BPDFamily.com

Just curious.  Did anyone ever have a family member or friend confront them about how they treated you?

My brother and my son always wanted to but I wouldn't let them because they were worth way more to me than him.

Just wondered if anyone did, what the outcome was?

hi ve,

NO, but they asked me how I could let her treat me the way she did... .

wl

Hey ve,

Yes actually after one particular incident between me and my exBPDgf, my mom and sister both confronted her.  My sister through email and my mom on the phone.

Needless to say, it did not go well.  Then she convinced me it was my fault this had all happened and I was back in the cycle.

Looking back now though, my family saw things I just wouldn't or couldn't.  I turned my back on them for a while, but they never turned their back on me.  I'll always appreciate what my mom and sister did, even if I didn't at the time.

After my 4th reengagement I let my mom in on a tiny fraction of the crazyness... .Lol... .She asked me what my rush was, take your time. I was already leaning towards calling it off and just needed a push. Thanks mom!

Why do you want to confront a person with a personality disorder? If you are thinking that the behavior is done to you on purpose, then maybe it's time to realize that it's done to everyone and not just you. Stop signing up for it by participating in a "confrontation." Stop putting yourself in the rifle sight of the disorder by demanding that it stop. Stop personalizing it. You are not in control of someone else's personality disorder and you cannot change it. Let go. Walk away.

Pondering on confrontation just suggests that you feel this isn't a personality disorder. You'll be the best judge of this person, but you have to make that decision and question your motive. Are you thinking it's drugs causing the behavior or is it not? Is it behavior that exists in spite of drug abuse? Stop and think about it. If you feel this is just drug related behavior and not underlying issues, then perhaps an intervention is called for. If it is a personality disorder- You cannot intervene. It is a personality defect and the outcome is out of your hands. Let go. Even the Bible says to "avoid all such persons, turn away from them." If you have to tattoo that advice on your inside eyelids so it sinks in while your asleep- please do so. It's AASP- TAFT.  |iiii

First of all, I am talking about early on, before we knew what the situation was, and I was inquiring.

Secondly, that was a very rude comment.  We have all been attacked enough and we don't need it here!

I would say much more but don't want to sink to your level.

The last time I spoke to him, I asked him WHy he did this to me, and he said "I don't know... "(but he was sorry and he knew everything was his fault... .A BIG LIE... that's not what he truly felt)

now it's been 5 months and I still feel that I haven't had got closure, I have so much anger and pain inside... but I TRULY do not believe that whatever I would say to him would sink into his head... .

I wouldn't get the understanding and the empathy that I want from him... I wouldn't get any remorse or a logical explanation... .

My mom is really upset about this 2 and whenever we talk about this she says that one day she will confront him for what he did to me... .but I keep telling her that talking to a brickwall, a cold piece of stone won't give us any comfort... .

Think: he is sick- u cannot reason with a sick person... .just let go...

His sister did confront me.  The three of us were in his car and when he got out to pump gas, she asked me outright why I don't leave her brother.  I laughed nervously because I didn't know where this was coming from and she would not say anything else. 

ve01603, I'm sorry that you felt that I was attacking you about your question about confrontation. For the most part I dont believe in making personality disordered people pay for their misdeeds by punishing them. The best way to handle a personality disorder is to extricate yourself from the drama and walk away. Confronting a Borderline with an in-your face accusal just increases the Borderline perception of persecution, which plays right into the drama and increases the pain.

Are you 2011 or 2010?

I understand.  I think that mine's sister tried to tell me something about him once too.  She also used to tell me that if it weren't for me he'd be dead and thanked me for taking care of him.  His mother did the same. 

She lived out of state.

Apology accepted.  By the way, I was not suggesting confrontation.  I was just curious because my son and brother had wanted to at different times and I would never let them.  My son even wanted to get him arrested once and he could have but I didn't let him because I knew that it would only be worse.  I have much compassion for him.  I know that he is sick.  That is why I did not walk away sooner.  Only when he became a danger to me did I give up.

I think this is pretty spot on.   If we, who have been closest to them couldn't get through to them, how could someone outside the situation confront them with any success... .

If the borderline cared or understood the damage and pain they cause, they wouldn't act the way they do.  They are just out of control individuals who seem to use their "loved ones" in a very basic and primal way to get their needs met, and when they perceive (real or not) that their needs are not being met, they turn.  

No one is immune, and from what it seems, nothing much will change them.  There are no lightbulb moments for them, none that are grounded in reality, anyway.  Confrontation is futile, and will likely only get the person who confronts them, painted black.  

So sad.

Ve, I agree with 2010, the best thing is walk away. Very often they can’t accept a confrontation and a honest conversation. Me, I disengaged. I’m in love now and hope it will last – but who knows. Yesterday my ex dBPD ex boyfriend called me. He wanted to see me and of course make love etc. I told him I have a boyfriend now, and apart from this our r/s is over. He got crazy and told me he didn’t have a r/s after me. I know this is not true and told him what I knew. This just made him more crazy because I didn’t collude and unmask his thousand lies. I told him I didn’t want to hear from him anymore and I hope this time it will work. What I mean is, how can you confront somebody who wants to avoid confrontation? Walking away, as sad as it may seem specially when you have shared many years with somebody, is the only thing to do. How can I have a conversation with someone who tells lies and avoids the truth?

No- he burned bridges with most of his family memebers, and they have written him off completely. They never want to see him again.

My stbx's dad told me a few months ago that he was sorry he introduced me to his son- he said he thought he was better, but he obviously wasnt. Now I think he's worse than ever.

As my ex was painting me black and orchestrating defamation campaign that cost me my career, my income, and my professional reputation, her own sisters pushed back on her because she performed the "role of victim[ization] at its finest," in the words of her oldest sister.  While my ex imposed a bogus restraining order on me (bogus because she had the friend of a cop she was cheating on me with serve me a threat of legal action if I contacted her and her family) her sisters revealed things to me about her history, her behavior, her family's f**ked up dynamic that, had I known or had access to previously, I might have avoided a great deal of heartache and trauma.  One sister refused to speak to my ex and her own mother because of the sham that she attempted to visit upon everyone as it related to me and her representations of me after I discovered that she was BPD--the web of lies, the multiple emotional and physical affairs.

Funny about "confrontation," in that when, as my ex's behavior became more erratic and her decision-making even poorer, I suggested to my ex that she might want to confront herself (introspectively I meant), and she was actually pained at my use of the word "confront."  That, too, should have been a red flag of the infantile mind at work.

yes, BIL, and he spent nearly 20 hours in a jail cell for his troubles of 1. trying to get ex to see sense, leave our house so the children could come home and 2. getting my belongings if no1 didn't work out... .and I know BIL wasn't aggressive or abusive to him, but I sort of knew it would happen. BIL's stupid male pride took over and he was determined he could talk to him.

My sister and I also spent hours sitting in different police stations giving statements to get him out.

All charges of alleged assault were dropped in the end.

Spot on

Excellent post

Am I the only one who understands what ve is asking? She is asking if any of our friends or family ever confronted them regarding their treatment of us... .meaning on their own... .taking up our cause and trying to defend/support us... .BEFORE anyone had knowledge of BPD.

The question isn't suggesting that our friends and family knew about BPD and then decided to 'reason' with them.

Anyway... .none of my friends or family did... .mostly because not a lot of people knew the true extent of what was going on... .I felt too stupid to tell a lot of people. Those who did know just tried hard to support me (usually shaking their heads) and asking me if I was sure that this relationship was worth it.

Thank you breaking poingt ffor "getting it."

Are you ready for playoffs?  I say Vancouver in five, maybe six.  Love that Roberto Luongo!

Yup... .ready for play offs... .our defense healthy... .I say Vancouver in 4 or 5.  |iiii

O.K.  Let's agree on five. Don't like that Patrick Kane at all.  The sooner Chicago is out, the happier I am.

No, but I have had friends and family members confront ME to ask or demand that I stop holding a grude, being petty, etc.  They want me to bury the hacket, forgive and forget, let bygones be bygones.  They have bought into whatever story she is telling about me and I can't explain myself enough to get any of them to believe anything other than I must be the one who is crazy. 

She creates a negative image of me or some characteristic she thinks my family will disapprove of and then sets forth to find a way to pin that trait on me.  For example, she used to smoke cigerettes.  I don't.  She knows my parents would not approve of smoking so she asks me to borrow a lighter right in front of them or sends me a bottle of lighter fluid as a gift.  She wants people to think that I am afraid to be around others so she fails to invite me to a family outing, then asks everone if they have heard from me or whether I contacted anyone to RSVP.  By the time I even find out that there was an event at all, plenty of time has passed and when I say that I wasn't invited, she just plays innocent and says, "of course you were."  She think my Mom would not approve of my daughter sharing a bed with me on vacation, then she puts a security gate up to the kids' room making it impossible for me to step over it while carrying my sleeping child, therfore giving me no other option than to bring her to my room.  She tells people that I don't like crowds and I have a fear of them that I am not admitting, then invites us to Disney only to sit in a corner while her kid naps, until I can't take it anylonger and have to leave.  I'm contantly proving her points, yet I don't discover her agenda until it is too late.

My mom wanted to call him and confront him several times. I would not let her.