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This is really a moot point since we are basically done, and have been for some time, but it still leaves you scratching your head and feeling shame about what the new person has that you didnt.  Especially when you gave and did everything possible to this person unconditionally,and you have children, and an 18 year marriage etc.  Im going to ask this from the guys point of view.  My exBPD was very beautiful and could pretty much have any man she wants.  Im not vain, but women consider me good looking. I am older than her, but keep myself in excellent shape and people have no idea of how old I am.  I work in a white collar job.  She seems to  go for average or less than average in the looks department, and usually a guy that is pretty low on the totem pole as to economic status. (which has to be a come down, a she was very high maint)  Current guy in 40's, does odd jobs etc, lives on mom and dads farm.  They sit on lawn furniture.   Best thing hes got is the new truck his dad bought him.  Another guy was a mechanic fixing lawn mowers, again 40's living in a bad part of town in a one room apartment.  It seems she tries to get those who she would consider below her, and who would normally feel they never had a shot at being with her.  In that realm she can feel like they would be so grateful to be with her that she can control them and they would never leave her.  One guy was a tatoo artist, and he was probably the smartest of us all, as he threw her out in a month telling his friends she was schizo. It just seems like they dont do much in the interview department, but rather make an emotional selection based on thier immediate need at the time.  Besides just escaping from me, (as we had recycled for 2 years, her coming back after each failed try) her curent one was needed for security, and a safe place to stay, as she was living with some people who were selling drugs and had people coming and going all the time when she jumped to him.  And of course I hear thru the grapevine, she not happy with him as hes got her in lock down and wont let her do or go anywhere alone.  Probably knows of her rep.  But , she still stays, as probably that is the best alternative she has.  Im sure she is still scanning the horizon for other potential victims though.  She told someone she would never cheat on anyone again, but I doubt that.  I lived thru 5 affairs, with one that bore a child which I have custody of.  How ironic is that.  The only thing she seems to have learned is that she cannot have any contact with me, as everytime we did talk, it would cause dysregulation in her curent relationship and she would of course blame me when it went down the tubes saying the guy couldnt handle it.  Just wondered what yours did, and or what criteria (if any) they seemed to use in their slections process.

The same way they chose you.

Ok I knew I had that coming, as part of my rant was just a release for me.  You are right, Im a caretaker, and a fixer, but in hindsight at the time you never see it that way, cause we as nons start this journey thinking its for life.  They dont. Trust me I was a little leary at the start as there is a big age diff, but she kept on with the routine that she just wanted to have a family of her own, and kids, the house and white picket fence, you know.  So after a while I said ok, then surprise, she got pregnant, even while she said she was using birth control.  And I did what I thought was the right thing. Its just now that since she has isolated herself from any family she really has no where to go, so she leaps right in and starts living with a new guy overnite.  I realize its survival kicking in, but Im lost at what makes one more attractive to her than the next.  The only thing I can see for sure is that she feels guys with no prior marriage, and no kids, will cause her less problems as in her mind they have no baggage.  This becasue she always complained about dealing with an ex of mine.  Of course, a guy in his 40's that s never been married and or with no kids, can at times be a red flag in itself.  So I dont know,,

Perhaps you are scratching your head because you are trying to use normal thinking to explain the behaviors of someone who does not think normally. 

None of us are perfect whether we were involved with a BPD or not.  You could have always handled something differently.  So there is always a temptation to think IF ONLY I HAD…...    The truth is if you had done X then Y would have popped up.  Then Z then and then …………………a never ending process.

What are their standards?  Probably all over the map including who can they get right now.  For various reasons don’t think mine has been involved with anyone since we split. Might be wrong about that but honestly don’t care.

From what she told me about prior bfs they tended to be not too smart and didn’t make any money.  I gave her far more than everyone else in her life combined.  She wasn’t able to appreciate it.  I didn’t cause her problems (though I did enable her) and she didn’t choose to have them either.

I did the best I could with what I knew and tried to get her help.  Despite years of trying it was not to be.

dont get me wrong, I wasnt tying to make it out that I was the best of the litter, although I think we all want to feel that way.  But you dont have to be a rocket scientist to see her selections since me (and during the marriage, ) werent the best.  Probably has something to do with the time I took her to the T,and she said she never felt good enough with me.  I looked at her and said "huh", where did  that come from.  Then the T said "you probably have felt that way all your life", which is probably correct, I just never saw it, until I knew what I was dealing with.  The worst thing I ever really did was invalidating her.  I was trying to be logical with an illogical person.  Thats really the only thing I would do or try to do diff in hindsight.   

Hi there,

My exBPDbf definitely chooses out of need. I don't want to say I'm the cream of the crop, but I was  ;p ... .and a few of his other ex's were pretty decent women too, but for the most part, although he was well educated and highly successful, he seemed to feel more comfortable around people who were not at his level... .sorry, but it is what it is. I think that a lot of pwBPD feel so insecure and unworthy that maybe it feels like a struggle for them to be with people that they feel are better than them. Let me be honest and clarify - I don't think I'm better than anyone else, but I do see that there are different levels of people, different levels of education, different lifestyle choices, etc... .I constantly saw 'friends' obviously just using my ex for his money and status, but he never saw that either because he so wanted to feel accepted.

Yeh, I alway say Im not better than anyone, I just choose to live my life different than some people.  My motto is moderaton in everything if you can.  I have friends in all walks of life.  If they chose to be overboard in drinking, drugs, or scrapbooking. lol... I still can be their friend, I just draw a boundary at the things they do that I dont.  Probably comes from my younger years when I was in a band, and everybody was into drugs, etc... .Not me,,and still proud I held my boundaries.  Got laughed at a few times, but I think in the end I was respected more as i didnt just turn my nose up at them.  The exBPD, just always seemed to make every decision based on emotion.  I used to say she never thought beyond the end of her nose. They never seem to think of the long term consequenses of anything they do.  Its only in the moment and whats needed to shut down the fear they are dealing with at that moment.  Probably wasnt a good thing to say, but again I was ignorant to what I was dealing with then.  I just thought she was nuts and my logical iron clad reasoning would bring her around. right

I didn't mean to be harsh.

They choose people by their ability to scam them with the idealization. People that they are able to take advantage of or manipulate.

It really does not matter how great you are.  This illness affects their ability to have relationships with others. Your connection was part of her illness, if she is BPD.

no prob, I know I took the bait, I just know why now, but still doesnt make the end results sting any less. 

I feel your pain.

Today was the latest hearing in our nasty divorce.  Sitting there looking at her all I could think was 'how the hell did I put up with her for twenty years?'  She lied on five occasions today (which I will document), she lost her temper three times and also began crying on three occasions all in front of the Judge.  Priceless!

Easier to manipulate and control has been my experience, someone emotionaly unavailable also seems to fit.

BAM! Mine said the same damn thing! I picked myself up off the ground over the years from a crappy childhood. Went from community college to Master's degree and she dropped me like a hot potato for a drug usin' former teen dad.

But I did the same thing--tried looking at arguments rationally (c'mon I'm an INTJ... .I wouldn't have it any other way). She used to runaway at the tiniest slights and she could dish it out but not take it.

She said she wanted someone to "kiss her on the forehead and tell her everything is okay." All I wanted to know was why the hell she was running away to another room for almost nothing--hence the rational approach to the argument. If I genuinely felt like I F'ed up, I'd let her know I was sincerely sorry. But remember, they keep tabs on all of your f**k ups and all the apologies in the world won't erase them, no matter how insignificant.

I do think they look for easier targets as they emotionally spiral downward. Her step-dad is sweet guy and has a modest job of managing horse stables around the area and yet her BPD mother still managed to downgrade to a gardener who looks at kiddy porn for her love affair. It seems they only "trade-up" when they are inherently unattainable anyhow (i.e. married, live far away, have a job that requires a lot of travel, etc.)

Perhaps they choose these easier targets because it is less taxing on their abandonment fears at the thought of losing someone that they perceive as not that great of a catch. Furthermore, they know they are one-up on this person and can control them knowing this. This dynamic works well for them in both of those ways. And since they lack sense of self, they can go from enjoying all the things you loved to all the things the replacement loves at the drop of a hat.

The criteria is whatever best suits their abandonment fears.

I have a different view. They do not consiously select a victim. They fall in love just like we and everybody else do. They want to find their prince/princess and they want to live a happy life. Feelings = facts for a BPD. They hope the new love is going to protect then from their demons. It always fails. But their behavior attracts rescuers. And we are attracted to victims. They cannot maintain trust. After some time they get triggered and the roller coaster ride begins. 

iceman10,

Do you fall in love so easily?  If your theory is correct then how do they all find a new person days/weeks after ending with us?  Why does it always happen?  Time and again they find a new person right away.  Coincidence? I think not.  The rest of the world doesnt fall into a relationship that easily.

Most dont really know what love is. At least not as interpreted by a non.   And I dont think they make the initial selection on anything even close to love.  Its a needs thing at that moment in time.  Mine probably more so than others, as she had no where to go, so for survival, she ran thru the rolledex, and of the several she had at the door, made a selection based on what they had to offer, and or what baggage she perceived they didnt have.  Then its off to the bedroom, to seal the deal, and they are hooked.  You dont love someone just because you selected their house to stay at.  Maybe she thinks she can learn to love them. But when you dont see all the warts till after you bought the frog I would think its a crap shoot. Plus thats not the way a normal loving and trusting relationship developes.  They must use the idealization and mirroring to jump right in and overwhelm the victim into thinking they are the magical one they have been looking for.  I recall How I felt.  I fought for years just to get back to the happy place.  But once the devaluation starts, you only get to look in the door once in a while until its slammed in your face.  Now take your crumbs and be happy. 

The choice is absolutely based on whatever they can get, as soon as possible.  There's no real selection whatsoever.  I can see my ex scrambling, and while he used to tell me he liked intelligent women, and his ex before me was in this category, his attempted liaisons since we split were a) with a man who was an abusive jailbird and b) with a women he has known all his life and who he never wanted anything to do with but she happens to wake up early and is on Facebook when he is.  And he still has no one, but he is on dating sites frantically looking and trying to lose weight so that he will be more attractive. 

My uBPDw told me "I never loved you, I only chose you because you were safe".

Thankfully I has done most of my grieving before she landed this blow! It was like water off a duck back.

She is in my opinion looking for something entirely different from me next time around. Something a little less safe and possible a little dangerous. If so she could be the one burned next time around. I suspect after we divorce she will have another go at trying to recycle before finally moving on. I am no longer there for her.

She will at some time have to sit with her feeling and realise she is no better with me out her life. I will be better and stronger and the childen will have me to help them develop into healthy adults.

I wish her know harm but wish she would for her own sake and the sake of our children sign up to and comit to therapy. I doubt she will because she has to then look at the dark places inside herself.

My thoughts are along these same lines as iceman10s.


At time there is fear or pain driven bonding too like susanleona says - we see that with some our members two - series of in and out relationships that are taken instinctively to avoid facing a painful relationship failure.

When we get caught up thinking this "con/victim" relationship and that people with an impulse disorder (of all things) can mastermind these great schemes - we show our own denial and inability to face reality.

It's easy to do. It feels good.  And there are people out there selling this stuff (and it sells) which keeps it alive.

Try not to get caught up into it.   :)

Interesting. How do you account for the feeling of "falling in love" when, for many, such a feeling is often fleeting? Mine said she did not feel love, just emptiness (one of the trademark symptoms, I believe). Furthermore, how do you attribute such a high rate of long-distance relationships and affairs with married people, especially on this board, if they do not pick partners based on mitigating their attachment disorder? Lastly, because BPDs are often deeply insecure with themselves, don't they inherently know what "type" of partner they are "falling in love with" in order to feel maybe just a little bit less insecure with the person they chose?


I agree, I do not think there is an ultimatum to hurt or con anybody and they genuinely believe the person they chose is their savior. However, saying that there is no pattern of the types of people they choose (independent of rescuers) seems a little erroneous. Of course there are the rescuer types but how about those that are just plain lonely, insecure, or maybe just want an attractive boyfriend/girlfriend to pow around with and put up with crap just so they can have their "trophy"?

Just some thoughts and questions that came across my mind when reading the responses.

Not really sure if they always fall in love. My ex met her current boyfriend, because she went out partying to get back at me and get herself a new boyfriend. She hadn't even met him before that. Say what you want, but that is NOT falling in love.

In all honesty I don't think they do that, fall in love. They bond with people. And as soon as you have a connection with them and start to understand what they're about, they discard you. Only to start talking again to you later on. But more than anything to make sure that connection is still there. It's a constant battle against loneliness and emptiness I guess.

It's odd, because in a way it goes much much deeper than any bond you will ever experience with another human being, but at the same time there is no love or mutual understanding.

Hi Alex DP,

Great insight. Very accurate assessment of "BPD love".

|iiii

The reason pwBPDs find a new person so fast is:

1. They start looking for a new partner after you have been devalued and long before discarding you. So when they leave you they are at a different page with new victims lined up. Some pwBPDs cheet before discarding you.

2. Most (but not all) pwBPD are good looking, charming and know how to catch a new partner.

3. They don't want to be alone and don't grieve like us. They can switch off their emotions at an instant. Actually, they didn't have a deep mature attachment to us.

4. They don't have empathy and remorse. Or to be more correct they switch it off after discarding you.

5. They won't need any closure because you are the persecutor. They truly believe you are the the bad guy.  This is a clear sign of BPD and the mental illness. You probably did everything to please your BPD-partner and fight for the relationship.

They leave us and it looks like we didn't mean anything to them. It's a disorder. The anxiety gets triggered when getting close to us and they "must" push us away. They cannot maintain love or love like we do. But my opinion is that pwBPDs look for a new partner to find real love. In the honeymoon phase they (and we) believe it's real love. The relationship always fails after some time because the disorder always wins. You can't beat it.

Excellent explanation, Iceman, I experienced these very things with my ex -- all one to five... .absolutely accurate.

And it's true that they always yearn for love, but cannot handle it when they are in the zone, so to speak. That's probably why it's so much easier for them to move on from us because they were never that emotionally invested in us in the first place, due to their engulfment fears. This is confounding to us because we are emotionally invested in them, so we assume that the same is true for them, but it never is -- perhaps on a fleeting level, but never on a consistent one.

They are masters of body movement, words, projection, manipulation, and mirroring, they've been practicing for years, so virtually anyone can be a victim, depending on their narcissistic supply and the current relationship scenario

I'd agree with what has been posted on the thread however the underlying and critical element to a BPD's choice of partner is a non with self-esteem issues. I include myself in that and reading the many sad stories on here it's the one aspect that stands out for most.

A relationship with a BPD doesn't get off the ground with someone with healthy self-esteem, respect and therefore boundaries. The intense nature of a BPD relationship, the intoxication of instant love is simply the non feeling completed or whole and the BPD being able to feel loved (bond is more accurate), both on a very temporary basis. The truth is that a loving relationship is a slow and ever expanding experience based on mutual respect, affection and admiration. Between two partners with healthy self-esteem the relationship doesn't act to fulfull deep set emotional issues of each partner.

If an individual with healthy self-esteem entered into a relationship with BPD they wouldn't put up with the abusive behaviour that often occurs very early on, they wouldn't be hooked on the intoxicated nature of the honeymoon phase to the same extent and wouldn't be drawing the same emotional nourishment that us non's with self-esteem issues gain from a BPD relationship.

My exBPD began to behave abusively within a matter of days, I was well aware of the red flags but the intoxication and temporary feeling of self-worth the relationship gave me meant that I was prepared to pay a heavy price, any price to maintain the relationship.

I suspect if you look at most partners a BPD selects they will be someone with self-esteem issues at their core.

this was a great post, and i think it's dead on, certainly in my case.

the thing is i have, innately, a very strong sense of self esteem and self confidence. but i do have issues at my core. especially after 4 BPD relationships, over 10 years (was not in a relationship that entire time). it's part of what kept me going from pwBPD to pwBPD. i was a very very different boyfriend with the last one. i did have boundaries, some of them firmer than others, and some of them ultimately caved. i definitely saw red flags, i even called them that at the time, and i consciously overlooked them. i did not buy into the honey moon at all, kept some distance, pulled away for almost the entire relationship, and did not rely on her for any real need, including self esteem or self confidence. she did however, support my ideals of myself. and regardless of what i was guarded from, none of it ultimately protected me.

as for the victims she chooses, or doesn't choose, that's a good question. none of us seem to have anything in common except me and the new guy, who couldn't look more like me, and has a huge amount of overlap with interests. i wonder a WHOLE lot about that. she's really only had like 4 boyfriends that i know of. the first one did abandon her. it was kind of drawn out. the second one, she abandoned. i know the first one had some boundaries. but he's a tiny, skinny, nerdy, indie kid. the second was foreign, good looking, and if im not mistaken, kind of preppy. i have long hair and a beard, and im in a rock band. not to inflate my ego, but she was clearly the most into me. i was also by far her longest relationship. i believe she told me that her past boyfriends were more compliant than i was. that's telling to me. the behavior she describes treating them with included lots of things i did not experience, and would have never tolerated. so i think their are probably some things in common, ESPECIALLY the core self esteem issue (i don't know if this applies in all cases, but again, it definitely rings true to me), but i think it differs, depends on what they can get away with with who, etc. when they leave you for your clone, though, i have no idea what to make of that.

I agree with you iceman.  I do firmly believe my ex loved me in the only way he knew how.  He has spent his whole life searching for his princess. We all expect our lovers to be our protectors in life. You are right... .I was the rescuer that was attracted to him as a victim.  But I thought he was just the victim of an unfortunate lot of bad luck and bad choices and I thought I could make a difference. I had no idea in the beginning he had been seriously victimized as a child and had a mental illness (unacceptable coping skills) as a result of that.   Here is a quote regarding love from a person who has BPD: "The greatest love is love from a BPD because when we love we love fiercely. The only downfall is that our love is short lived. You are the only person that matters to us when we idealize you but this idealization will turn to devaluation in an instant. Its in the devaluation process that the manipulation, mind games, abuse and intentional hurt begins to manifest. When we meet someone, we genuinely like that person, genuinely fall in love and genuinely want to be with that person. When that individual is not able to live up to the ideal expectations we place on them we begin to find ourselves bored. This boredom leads to irritability, then a total lack of care and understanding and eventually sheer hatred." (from "anonymous" at  www.myBPDrecovery.blogspot.com/2010/01/how-to-tell-someone-that-they-have-BPD.html)

How do they select the next one?  Whoever is sitting in the closest barstool to them and seems to respond to their charms.

I'm not joking about this.  I don't think there's a complicated selection process.  I think it's proximity and willingness to engage with the BPD. 

I think they select the next one the same way as we all do. But they are extremely good at catching a new partner. They maintain incredible eye contact, use compliments and look a little vulnerable. They instantly start the mirroring. Maybe they lower their standard a bit to avoid being alone. But they are trying to find a "good" man to have a real relationship with.

After my exBPDgf devalued me I could see her in action even at my presence. I will never forget her eye contact with men of her interest. I think it was an unconsiuos act very natural to her. Of course she also used the strong eye contact when we met for the first time. But I was approaching her, not the other way around. She was very manipulating and could easily attract a lot of men. So my conclusion is she selects men like we all do but she is extremely good at catching them. And she is good looking which makes it a lot easier.

The irony in all of this is that Waifs are really looking for sadists in order to prove their theories about the World. They initially attract Heroes that provide them with protection, mirroring all the best qualities of humanity- then slowly turn those qualities into controlling aspects, claiming abuse, and then defaming and slandering the good until it becomes bad. All in order to attract a new Hero.

I cannot think of anything more insidious than turning a hero into a sadist. Incomprehensible to most people but right as rain to the disorder.:light:

Mine was a Waif. Perhaps why I don't believe they just fall in love with "anybody" as previous posters have implied. Different BPD types beget different perspective on this illness from us. Any one of us isn't inherently wrong in this regard. Even as she was exiting the relationship she even said "You were supposed to be my knight in shining armor." All I could think was, "I thought you'd grow up"  lol

i suspect that might be how mine was with the new guy, but not with me. she behaved in a way i never saw again, once we were a week or two into our relationship. she had kind of a btchy nervousness. she definitely had a problem maintaining eye contact, though. i tried to kiss her pretty early, and i could tell she wanted to, but was nervous. eventually she kissed me. but it was this distinctive blunt, btchy nervousness. i for whatever reason anticipated this, and played it off nicely. again, otherwise i never saw this behavior, including eye contact problems, ever again.

My exBPDgf said "You are not the man I expected you to be". Now I understand she was very far from the girl I expected her to be.


In her head my exBPDgf turned me into a sadist at the end. A nightmare of the worst kind. When she discarded me I didn't know anything about BPD. She was completely out of control or maybe controlled by the disorder. A real Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde transformation. Now it makes sense. I think BPD is the worst mental illness you can imagine. Because it's hidden and it destroys the life of so many partners.

I'd also agree with this. when I became emotionally unavailable, she was all over me. She said, "I've never met anyone like you before... .how can someone who annoys me so much, turn me on so much?"

Me being "annoying" was showing her love and affection, and she'd emasculate me for being that way because - to her - it was an effeminate trait. But when I stopped being that way, she done a 180 turn around. fact is, if I'd remained emotionally unavailable, she would have started telling me I'm cold and emotionless to her. So you can't win either way.

I totally believe this it is anyone who gives them attention.  It is a plus if they are married so its not consistent only on her terms.  Mine got with the married unemployed neighbor.  There is really no rhyme nor reason to their insanity.  Her boyfriend of seven years is vice-president of his company has a boat, drives a benz, lives in a big house and she is cheating on him with the unemployed neighbor.  It really is who ever shows them the time of day.  


My exBPDwife said the same thing "You are not the man that I married."  This was after she devalued me and was having multiple affairs.  

I understand she is not the woman I thought she was either.  A friend of mines husband had been cheating on her for years.  She said 'when I think of him now, the man i feel in love with is gone." To me its a little different with a BPD.  The woman I fell in love with was never there.  It was all a sham a total lie.  There was no person that changed, she was always that person I just didn't see it.  

I was naive, when we first met she was cheating on her fiance with me. I didn't know he was her fiance till she dumped him.  She even told me "I have cheated on every man I have been with until you, I finally found my prince."  What a moron to think I was any different then any of her other prey.

Wow.  My wife said essentially the same statement. This is when she had treated me to one of her wonderful monologues about how horrible I am.  I asked her if I'm so horrible why did you marry me?  Her response:  "Only because you loved me so much you made me feel safe".  I now believe she was being completely honest. 

dragonheart,

yeah, i think borderlines in particular hate sweet sappy guys or anybody that seems too into them. that was the lesson i learned with the first two. with the third i had the game down considerably better. with the last one, she would always express that i had the perfect mix. in this relationship, it was the first time i ever even uttered words to indicate a breakup. i did have a natural confidence around her. there was nothing i could do to shake her. i could be every bit as romantic as i wanted to be. but i always maintained some degree of detachment. and now i've realized this was all learned behavior and defense mechanisms and  my-issues s. it may be the reason the relationship lasted as long as it did. it had exactly the same conclusion. i still agree with the person who said the borderline tends to go for the non with self esteem issues at their core. i think they are also strongly attracted to "what feels familiar".

I agree with this post.  pwBPD do have selection criteria at a concious and sub-concious level as they know how to separate the "healthy" ones from the not so healthy.  I do not believe they just go for the next person who will meet their needs.  They must be able to take advantage of the next person, so that would imply there is some separation criteria being processed.  They know how to identify the 'weak' ones and pounce on those (self-esteem issues at the core sums it up nicely).  As I mentioned in another thread, pwBPD don't go for healthy individuals who possess strong personal boundaries because their "tricks" won't work on those people.

This statement may be true.  I have read Borderlines are often attracted to Narcissists like magnets.  Makes sense under the false superego is a very damaged self-esteem. 

See, she was a totally different person on facebook and on the phone; she made out that she just wanted a guy to love her, and that's all she ever wanted. So I thought this was what she wanted, yet she couldn't seem to handle it when she was in the zone. She'd cuddle up to me when we were watching a DVD or whatever, then she'd start blowing cold after a while, so I was pretty confused about how to handle things. Then she'd dump me, and then try to reengage me on the phone, telling me she loves me deeply, and that I'm the only man who ever loved her and made her feel safe... .that's why I was really confused about everything.

well of course you were! you were in a relationship with a borderline

yes thats closer to how it was with the first and second. i would chase any affection, at certain points. i started to learn if i acted mad the tables would turn. by the last one, had she ever turned it off, so would i, so i really don't think there was ever a time she wasn't affectionate.

Yeh Lucky, I hated having to adapt my personality just to make her want me. I found that mirroring her was causing me to become like my borderline because my emotions were swinging back and forth like a pendulum, and it was causing me internal chaos. She called me a pussy boy, and that's why she kept dumping me, but I used to have a serious anger problem when I was younger, and the anger I was carrying around was making me paranoid.

I spent years trying to mellow out and calm down; I succeeded in doing that, and it felt good to have that level of inner peace for once, but she kept on goading me by emasculating me, so I raised my fist to her once and I was seriously going to punch her in the face, and she became terrified and ran in the house and put every lock on the door. I could really feel myself slipping back into my old ways, and I've got no doubt that if I didn't end things when I did I would have started beating her. I know that's totally wrong in every way, but I felt so overpowered by her constantly gnawing at me all the time, that I felt the only way to silence her and have power over her would be to assert my masculinity by physically dominating her. I knew that I'd have ended up in deep sh!t in doing that, so I got out before it got to that stage, and I'm so glad I did.

I started chatting to a girl on facebook who I used to know from years ago, and she seemed like a lovely girl then. However, she'd just split with her bf and started bashing him on her fb wall -- calling him a liar. This was a serious red flag to me because this is what my ex used to do to me and all of her ex's -- absolute attention seeker and drama queen. So I stopped talking to her after that.

How do they select their next hmmm well my husband did find someone a month after cutting our relationship off we had been seperated 2 and a half years but still together every weekend and then he totally ended that. Well she couldn't accept he was not going to divorce me he told me he broke up with her because "we" made the decision to stay married until we found someone else to marry.

Then he found someone immediately after her who must have accepted this sitation whom he is still with . I met her accidently 2 months after at the house .He had me come over to get christmas presents he told me come over I thought he said 2 apparently it was 3 and she was there. Well she was heavier and very plain looking and got up and left without a goodbye basically to anyone.  We visited for a couple hours he never told me she was his GF but called me a few days later to chew me out for being inconsiderate and making her feel uncomfortable ... .I said what how do you think I felt I AM YOUR WIFE!

In any case the GF before me was also average looking and sort of looked like the current GF shorter and heavier than me and not even a HS graduate ... I have a college degree am a couple inches taller blue eyes and light colored hair similar to his first wife but any of his GF have all been brown eyes ,brown hair and dropouts not stupid but maybe he felt superior . He only has a HS diploma but excellent paying job. He also is very life smart and hands on smart I'd say.I also believe he wouldn't be with anyone who couldn't hold an intelligent conversation so his GF although dropouts must also be intelligent enough to hold his interest (maybe he believes he is making them better then dumps them ?)Because they start to question him finally.

Maybe I was his challenge he thought I was so smart, better looking  ... .so he had to marry me and destroy me emotionally and succeded beyond anyones dreams we are still married and sep over 5 years... I am the fool.

His GF now must be worse off as they say ... she went back to school on his dime and got into the same exact job I had before I became disabled strange wonder if she feels like he is making her into me somehow and he could toss her easier kind of ... .his house... .his support... .etc...

i certainly wouldn't call you a pussy boy, but it's difficult to imagine a kind soul with an anger problem. and i do thank god that these relationships give us the gift of insight. what i've realized is that without knowing it, a huge part of me kept trying to put on new and better armor, and venture into the dragons cave and beat it. i spent three years single, and decided it was time. the troubling thought in my mind was "even if its another crazy one. this time i'll be able to beat it. this time, i'll even walk away if i have to." i was kidding myself, and that's exactly what i got myself into. in the prior relationships, i'd felt like i was in a competition i didn't sign up for. i wanted to be that significant ex, if anything. the one that they couldn't get over, or would remember the most, what have you. i think i achieved that, but at all cost, no gain. certainly no dragon slain.

you do have to essentially adapt your personality. by the fourth it was really just a natural detachment and keeping my distance, not to say i wasn't completely hooked, but i always felt, to put it simply that she "liked me" more than i "liked her". i loved her, don't get me wrong, but at the same time i couldn't really tell you why. the ways in which i mirrored her really creep me out now, and i probably wouldn't recognize myself. i'd have childish, needy moods with her, and as much as i absolutely hated it, i even picked up on the baby talk    i suppose i don't need to tell you don't ever let anyone, especially your significant other, call you a "pussy boy." the last ex had behaved that way with others (told me she told her first ex that everyone thought he was gay, had the balls to lecture her second one on "not being dependent on mommy" but that just would not have flown with me. turn my life upside down sure, but don't you dare call me a pussy.

i certainly don't judge you for reaching such angry heights. you have to remember you're human, and you had someone pressing your buttons, who is a master at pressing buttons. thank god you didn't do it. not only for obvious reasons, but had the relationship continued if you had, it would have been a constant issue and almost certainly gotten worse. my ex pushed my buttons like no one i've ever met and caused violent reactions out of me, not at her, but in general. i never would have struck her, but when they flash that STUPID smile, who wouldn't want to? i think perhaps the craziest was when i was at the hospital with her, as her grandpa was dying, and she was being a total btch to me. believe me, i tried to suck it up. i knew she must have been going through difficult things. but its when he actually died, and we left the hospital she really picked it up. i was in such an impossible position. totally lost it and went a bit hysterical while having to drive her back. ended up pulling my own hair out, which was a pretty extreme behavior for me. basically i was shouting at her that i was HERE for her, and she was treating me like this, and that i knew what she was going through, but she just couldn't treat me like this. somehow in all this she managed to turn it around on me as an hit_ treating her like sht when her grandpa just died. to top it off, when we got back to her apartment complex, she demanded to get out and walk. she got out. i pulled up and tried to convince her to get back in the car. she wouldn't, so i'd had it and i sped off, with no choice but to leave her to walk the couple blocks to her apartment.

not only do they bring out the worst in us, but they can turn us into the bad guys in any case.

Mine told me a month and a half after our break up that she had developed feelings for a co-worker that was a recovering drug addict and already had a girlfriend. Considering he had a girlfriend, she tried saying it wasn't cheating because she couldn't do anything with him... .but its still emotional cheating and it hurt to hear that so long after the break up. Just a general opinion, but they tend to be homewreckers and also go for needy and vulnerable people with self esteem problems (which clearly a drug addict is a vulnerable person).