BPDFamily.com

My Husband who is a uBPD keeps saying he wants to discuss where our marriage is going and tells me he is doing "everything" he can to make it work (He tells me this BTW at least once a week lol). He is going to see a new counselor for addictions and feels he just needs someone to talk to, however this has never worked out for him before, he' goes a few times then gives up, they dont know he has a personality disorder (he's very good at covering up) so then when he wants to talk to me about where our marriage is going and what we should be doing what do I say? Obviously he needs the type of therapist who understands and can spot the borderline traits and "really" help him. He's floating around out there without getting the proper help that he needs. Before I knew better I read the book walking on eggshells and thought wow there he is but naively mentioned to him that I believed this is what he had and would need a therapist who understood this disorder. He said he was open to it but then turned it all around that I had all those traits and could fit that category too. So how do you approach this with a borderline? I mean I get tired of seeing him waste his time and money on counselors that do him no good and soon after he starts to find fault with them and makes excuses to leave. He knows there are things wrong with him and feels if he can just attack the core issues and such he will be fine. When he wants to talk about the marriage what do I say to him. He's always insecure and needs lots of validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation), but I get tired of the constant emotional drama and would be glad to see him in at least  the right type of therapy, getting the help he needs.

just wondering if any of them specialize in dbt?  Maybe get him with one that does?

His last therapist told him he didn't think he had this disorder lol. I don't think he specialized in this or knew much about this disorder. I will try to find someone who does perhaps and suggest we go together. It's kinda tricky as he's ultra sensitive to whats going on and always on the alert and always feels threatened by stuff so how to get him to a therapist who specializes in this disorder without mentioning the disorder? How does that work!

I think it's encouraging that your H admits to having some sort of problem at his "core" and that he wants help for it.

It doesn't matter what you call this "core problem" (ie: BPD). 

What helped with my H was to really acknowledge him when he admitted to having something wrong with him at his "core".  He didn't consistently admit this, but when he would I would validate him (ie: "Yes, I can see that something is causing you great pain".  I encouraged him to find a T that could help him understand his pain and offer him some sort of solutions.  I empathized with him.  I wanted him to feel better for himself.

And when he turned to discussing how the solution could somehow be found within our relationship, I told him, I wish there was something that I could do to make things better for him.  But there just wasn't.  He had this pain in his life before he even met me.  All I could do was support hiim while he found the answers he needed within him.

Of course there was a great deal of projection (etc . . .), but I stuck with being consist and empathetic in those moments when he acknowedged his internal unhappiness.

When I first read the symptoms of BPD, I told my h he might want to check this out. He read it, and said, "OMG, this is me."

Another thing that helped was reading various blogs and first-person accounts of people with BPD. He read a lot of things he could totally relate to.

I am careful how I approach the topic of BPD/mental illness. No one wants to hear the implication that there's some terrible thing wrong with them. Instead, I focus on his abusive stepfamily as the people who had something truly wrong with them. My H developed the traits he did to survive emotionally. That isn't crazy or stupid; it's rational and smart. The problem is that those traits aren't serving him well in an adult relationship between equals. And he has no way of knowing how to conduct such a relationship; he did not grow up with one to model. It is not fair, but he'll need to find a way to make up for what he should have been provided during childhood, but wasn't.

Sometimes I suspect BPD has a strongly biological element and abuse is not the major cause. But I don't really know. I do love and respect the healthy side of my h and therefore I do believe what I say about his abusers being the truly screwed-up ones in the situation, not him. And I make sure I clarify this is he starts to feel I'm pointing fingers at him. It makes a big difference.

Ellmurf, I wonder if we focused less on the diagnosis, and more on the cure? It might be presented that DBT has a wide range of benefits. Yes, we may know about the BPD, but will telling them about it help? In some cases, probably yes, but if we focus on learning emotional control, the benefits may be greater. The phrase of leading from the front seems to fit here. I have started to learn DBT to better deal with my favorite BPD, but it has benefits that help in other areas of life, such as business.

I also want to reconnect with my BPD ex girlfriend/former fiancée. I would really like to know how? I am not looking for quick fixes as I highly doubt they exist. There's always an abundance of information pointing to what to do in the opposite direction but a painfully small amount on repairing an the relationship, especially post break up. Please help me out.