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After my exBPD abandoned me I tried to make contact one time and asked him why he had walked out when he always said he loved me.  He said he did love me but not enough?  Its always hurt me when i think about this but I keep thinking it sounds so logical - just to stop loving someone so much that I think did he leave because he was BPD or did just fall out of love with me?

It seemed so logical and matter of fact the way he said it that it haunts me that maybe I am trying to  pin BPD on something that was normal?  ... .but if you were normal would you just walk out when your partners at work after 15 years, with no warning? Do they have any logical thoughts about love? ?

Georgie, BPD is an attachment disorder so yes they do love but it's unhealthy. They bond with us to make themselves feel whole.  Every r/s has it's cracks, ups and downs and rough patches - healthy love is what gets you both through. You communicate with mutual love, respect and trust. You trust each other to know that you will be supported no matter what.

However, with BPDs once they see our flaws they perceive it as their own - via projection. Feelings are facts and the reality is severly distorted. Eg if they are feeling fear it's because they think we are dangerous. So there is no logic it's distorted.

So when he says he doesn't love you enough this is because you don't fill his empty bucket of need - and nor can you - he has do that on his own but he is not equipped to do that - his life is based on your actions - do a search in google on "the hollow self". Once you have a need that is all yours they perceive that as abandonment - "how dare you take your eyes off the game".  

They have learnt not to trust. Saying he doesn't love you is an easy out - no explaining needed there because it's all black and white - to him there would no argument - he has no idea why he 'feels' the way he does - absolutely no clue. Again feelings/facts

Yes - he did actually say near the end that he was scared off me so how could he love me.  He said he was in fear of me all the time because I abused him.  It wasn't true but he still believes it.

He presents himself as very together and rational to other people so my experience of him is like a different person.  People look at me like they don't believe me what he was like and the things he said because they never saw it.  It makes me look strange even to suggest these things and I must admit I feel like I need it all validated.  Even when I am on these boards I feel so far away from how some people are getting over what has happened to them, I've started to feel that people here will start to think I'm never going to get it and even they will get fed up with me!

He just seems to be throwing this argument at me that - people fall out of love so get over it!  Seems logical but when I add it up with everything else - it makes no sense!  He was always saying to me that I don't understand logic but I guess it's just his logic I don't understand? ? :'(

Sorry CM forgot to say - your posts always make me see clearer and help. thanks

He got to breaking point Georgie and the flood gate of emotions took over - this has nothing to do with you - it's love minute and confusion the next.

You will rack your brain trying to figure this out. Trust that he loved the only way he knew how.   . They wish they could be different. My ex said to me that he will never find someone like me when we broke up. He also told me that he self sabotages.

Borderlines find it difficult to hold two opposing feelings at once - its all black and white.

Hi Georgie,

So sad the BPD RS.

Logic cannot be applied to someone with this illness. It is an illness and trying to apply normal human logic to a person with BPD a waste of time and will send you mad.

Like a child who stubs their toe ... .they are in constant pain and lash out at anyone and everyone to make the pain go away. The pain may go away for a little while as they do things to soothe the pain inside them, sex a common tool they use, but the core pain just does not go away.

In my own ex BPD's mind logic told her it was all my fault. Blame was all mine and she was the victim of me. Reality and facts were that like most I was on the receiving end of abuse and gave NONE ... .NONE back. She however was the victim despite her never even being yelled at or sworn at by me let alone the physical stuff she did to me or the cheating ect ect.

Logic sadly never enters the equation.

Trying to apply logic ... .a waste of time.

When dealing with someone with a total lack of understanding that others have feelings or needs ... .emotions and we also feel pain like they do ... .a lack of conscience and remorse ... .no empathy ... .one maybe can understand the twisted logic that goes on. Don't dwell on it because its alien to any normal developed person to try and understand someone with BPD ... .and its an illness ... .who lacks these core ingredients.

IN some ways we all learn from past mistakes ... .if we did something and it hurt us we will be reluctant to do the same thing again. BPD suffers rarely ever learn or reflect on past mistakes and have used the same tools and way to relate to people they have used from an early age without a backward glance. For them to look back and actually reflect and take some real blame for their actions is not possible without treatment.


Logic of the situation is we can and will  reflect on our roles on the BPD RS ... .whilst taking the crazy side out of the equation. We see we lowered our boundries and accepted totally awful behavoiur in the name of love and move on. We take a lesson out of this and hopefully learn and move eventually into a loving caring and sharing mutual relationship with someone else.

This is the only logic one can take out of a BPD RS. Learn and grow.


Good luck with your journey 

My wife of 21 years has undiagnosed BPD. I know what BPD looks like though. My brother was diagnosed and my 21 year old daughter as well. It's an awful disfunction to live with; both for the BPD and for family/spouse.

Anyway, yes, logic does not enter my wife's thinking. If I try and use logic to explain something during a conflict or disagreement, she sticks strictly with "emotion thinking". No matter how I try and use logic, she just doesn't have it sink in. It's amazing to me to watch it, and there is nothing you can do to change the behavior - I know - I have tried for 21 years!

She refuses to get help, which makes me feel hopeless.