BPDFamily.com

 Hi!

Whenever we hear of a recyling attempt/ a re conciliation/ a chance meeting, how many of us have come back to the boards saying " Gee i saw my ex BPD and he/she looves me, im feeling good to go, this is totally like the best thing everrrr" (said in Valley girl accent... no offence Valley's  lol)

No instead heres what we feel/hear.

" Oh my gosh as he/she approached me i was shaking"

" Reading that text made me feel sick"

" Peeking at his/her Facebook has me feeling worse than ever"

" I don't understand as last week he/she wanted to be with me and now they're so distant"

So having taken that hit on the BPD crackpipe... we then feel the comedown... .sometimes worse than the original comedown we suffered only months back... .

Why don't we acknowledge our bodys internal system of warning  |>

These people are not healthy for us, their sheer re-engagements leave some of us back at square one with old wounds fully reopened.

New grief, New crazy.

The good healthy people in our lives

We can read their texts and not feel sick

We don't feel sick or emotionally gutted looking at their Facebook pages

When they approach us we are happy to see them

If we reconcile with a healthy person they put in the time and effort and they don't game play us.

Its really that "simple" which is the cruelest irony   as getting over a BPD partner isnt that "simple".

 |iiii  Love the analogy. LOL You are so right. The day I heard from my exBPD after 2 months of NC, it was only through a note on the door... .I felt funny inside. almost cried just knowing he had been at my door.  Not sure if I was happy , relieved or sad. That night I had horrible dreams and woke up soaking wet from sweat from the nightmares I was having. Had not had this happen to me since I had gone NC. Now within a few hours I was Physically affected by the THOUGHT of him.

red-flag I must learn to pay attention to my sub conscious reaction's and my instinct's. Pay attention to what my insides are saying. "This PERSON IS LIKE POISON TO YOU!" I always  gain strength from ur posts Light. Thank you.

i am three months of no contact. i still think about her. i still long for her. i still want my hit of crack . i alway told her that i was addicted and so was her other exs. the honeymoon with her was amazing and the way she could hold on to and drain everything out of you. every single one of her girlfriends have been to the mental hospital after she was done with us and all three of us allowed her back in . i told her to leave me allow and let me heal. because if she was to come back i would want that fix and i would do it again. it makes me sick to think that i am so addicted to her. that i would put my self in hell again. for nothing but maybe a month of heaven. and then the rest in hell.

her ex girlfriend would not let her go and i seen the hell that girl went through to get her back. she is back with again for th six time. i eally hope she came hold on to her this time so she leave me alone. because i would go back . why in hell would i go back.

to get my fix .

This is a subject I've spent a great deal pondering.  Every relationship in my life is healthy.  The only disfunctional one I've had was with my xBPDgf.  I oftened wondered if it was b/c we met at 13 and our relationship and the abuse was kept secret... .only in the past 3 years have I really truly opened up about it all.  But I see the addiction on here... .by almost everyone. 

One theory I've started to research is a component to anxiety.  People who suffer from more anxiety related traits and those who have some OCD issues tend to be obsessed more than those who don't.  Not the obessed in the way of stalking but obsessed in the way that we ruminate and continuosly think about our BPDx's even when we've worked diligently to refocus, create healthier lifestyles... .I've been successful at not thinking of my ex for a full year once, sometimes I can go 6 months, but mostly the thoughts are always there.  I think it has more to do with the feelings she sparked(traumatic or making me feel good-either or) than her.  B/c I don't truly think of her... .just how she made me feel.  I think, lol.

Thing i learned is watch how much info you give them too... .mine is trying to recycle with me and shes coming at me at a whole different angle... and shes using things that i told her in the past to help with her efforts! just remember one thing... every word you say to them gets processed even though at times they act like they not interested in what you are saying. they are master manipulators and they will try to bait you.

Im right there with you brother.   I still check her Facebook, went a week without, but did today, and she's out in low cut dress and boots.   God I miss her, I love her so much. 

She still won't even speak to me.  It really pisses me off, as she was abusive, and now has everyone convinced that I was to blame for all of it.   That I abused her.   Nice.   Did 7k in damage to my car on purpose, hit me, emotionally tormented me, threw all my stuff in the yard in the rain, and my kids too.   And I'm abusive.

Fortunatly, my AWSOME lawyer found a nice loophole in TN law... .you are entitled to use physical force to prevent the destruction of your property, if a reasonable person would feel it was in danger of being destroyed.   Um, that's a no brainer.   And my wife was kind enought to tell the police that she went out that night looking to find and confront me.  Psychotic rage, anyone?

But God, I want so badly to talk to her.   I really want to understand so many things.   And, if she ever really did love me, why is she doing what she is now?   She told my kids "I truly loved your father... .but... .I couldn't and won't take him not coming home"    Yeah.   That was after six months of sheer torture, and I broke.   Guess truly loving someone is constantly threatening to leave them, absing them, lying, tell their children I'm a cheater and a horrible person, and on and on.   

This should be such a no brainer.   Too bad my heart and brain don't seem to be communicating on this.   I'm just crushed.  Debating a short term inpatient stay,lol.

 Hi! Guys i am so sorry for the pain and hurt you feel regarding your BPD SO's

But it was more to illustrate that after the crack hit... that little toke on the pipe... then what?

The harsh comedown.

Is your recovery worth it? Aren't you all worth so much more?

The feelings that get envoked by seeing them, running into them, getting a text, missed call, having thwm show up at our door.

The psychological stress, trauma, the hurt feelings it brings up.

Surely thats enough to want out for good? Or set boundaries? Limit contact (for those who have to co-parent etc... .)

I've smoked from that pipe all right... .the hangover is terrible!   

I don't long for her. I don't wish we could somehow work it out. I'm out of crack so I am tossing the pipe and moving on.  *)

I'm right there with ya! |iiii

Yes, light!  I know exactly what you are saying.  If I get a text, or see my ex somewhere, I get this cold chill that runs through my body.  It's not a positive feeling.  And you are right, we don't have these kinds of reactions to healthy people in our lives.  Our bodies are definitely trying to tell us something.  Other than sometimes wondering what he is up to (and what poor soul is trapped in his web), I feel better when he is out of sight and out of mind and with NC.

Your subconscious and your body knows this is BAD NEWS. When we were breaking up I had a dream. In this dream I was methodically preparing to commit suicide, and my ex was sitting patiently beside me watching the entire process. If that doesn't speak volumes, I don't know what does--aside from the shudders I get in my body. Miss him? Yeah, I do, because I miss the fun parts. Want him? My body shudders and I remember that dream.

Diotima

ive hit the crackpipe way too many times for my own good  (and always,against my better judgement); ud think after a while id learn my lesson, but sadly no... .I welcome her back with open arms, only to be screwed again even worse... .im afraid id do so again too, soI had to change everything: phone number, email, address and go NC with all mutual relations... .in a nutshell, ensure she could never find me again... .it broke myheart, but it had to be done... .time to throw the crackpipe away

Good for you Frieda... .removing all the possibilities of contact. Yes, it had to be done.

Diotima

December 18, 2011

I come here to these boards when I think I both need clarity and I need a taste of simple sanity known by those of us before or with in BPD relationships. (I am 33/ He is 26) He is BPD/Bi Polar and refusing Treatment. We were in an almost 6 month relationship, and it was my first after 8 years of no relationship period! I admit he was slowly like my ":)rug" and I found him intoxicating. YET he also stole my freedom, put me in dangerous situations beyond reckless driving, and controlled many aspects of my life before I knew it my friends were gone, or so severly limited. I recently went on a date on Monday after he and I have been separated / broken up since Sunday/Mon after Thanksgiving. He went on ahead and contacted me about every 2 weeks now, Monday I went on that date and Felt pressure to "commit" and was happy that it would take "Said guy time" lol, I was even more relieved when he wasn't sure he was ready to date yet... .lol This is open ended though we shall see what happens. BUT EX BPD BF texted me 2 times on that date, and then today sought me out on Messenger to tell me he believes I'm a "Slut and a whore who talks to more than one guy at a time" because he saw me on the dating site we met through, and he has had a profile on before the demise of our relationship. I might be alittle Lonely right now, but I got to bake 3 batches of Xmas Cookies tonight if he would have been here he would have acted like I shouldn't be doing that, Only doing what he wants! I went to cook with the kids in an afterschool program and he would have said because I don't get paid and they aren't my kids I shouldn't have gone. My Best friend, and Collegue who I have talked through her own relationship ailes called me tonight and I cherish our friendship, He hated her! He swore she only wanted to take advantage of me, but in reality he was jealous of her, and When I look at the things that I have done this week of the things I love, And Gaining my Best Female friend back over a Toxic , Heated, jealousy ridden relationship with him, who was supposed to love me, but really just loved to control me, I think I am coming to a point where I can get past this! I didn't have to ask him for permission to talk to her, to bake cookies, to volunteer with the kids, or to call the other guy! I hope when I am weak I can come to this board and remember what I wrote today at this moment! lol (On a side note I do totally sometimes respond because I know it irritates the hell out of him when he tells me BS like I'm a slut or whore ect, and I tell him like I did today"It must really suck to be you: Everything either in Black (Evil) or White(Idealize)  he sent back a ? mark and I didn't respond to that. lol My point has been made, and now I must move forward. This is not to say that I won't feel the internal struggle here and there, and maybe more than I want to, but there is one thing I know for sure I am STRONG, and STRONG WILLED!  |iiii  

SugarHi,

You don't need that in your life. Mine tried to control everything too--gradually over time. Jealous of everything. It goes with the disorder. I am glad you came here for a reality check! And that you baked cookies and didn't give a crap what he thinks.

Diotima *)

I am so happy I subscribed to this group!  I had an off and on relationship with my undiagnosed BPD partner for 5 years.  We had been broken up for 2 years, with no contact.  Then, in July she contacted me and we attempted to be friends.  She had lied about not being in a relationship.  I found out after we slept together twice.  It was actually the other girl who called me to tell me!  She had lied to both of us. 

I didn't know then that there was a name to explain her behaviors.  I wished anything that I would have known before or during the relationship, so I wouldn't have lost so much or even believed that I was to blame for the whole thing.  I know when her relationship fails and she has no family, no money, no shelter, etc. she will be calling me.

The worst part of it is... .I have an instinctual reaction to answer.  I've tried before, during the 2 years of no contact to prepare myself for that phone call and I failed.  The reality check of it was beyond hurtful.  Now, with that added to the pile, I find myself still gripped with fear for that phone call.  There's this flawed piece of me that wants to know she is okay.  I can objectify all the reasons not to answer.  I've lived the hell... .so why is my soul still caring about this person when all I truly want to do is to run the other way.  It is that horrible dream; where you want to run, but everything is in slow motion and you can't!  Wasn't 2 years of no contact enough time to let go?  I feel like her coming back into my life with all the lies, just set me back with what progress I had made.  I would like to know... .Do BPD people ever feel guilty about what they put people through?  It seemed like even the "suicidal" moments she exhibited were manipulative and not based on inner reflection of her behaviors? Perhaps the answer is somewhere on this site and I just haven't read it yet.  But to those of you who share your experiences, thank you so much for your insight.  You truly are helping   

I'm glad you found your way here too! I don't know that BPDs feel what we would call guilt because they are so underdeveloped emotionally. Think three-year-old (or less) in an adult body. Much of what they do is intended to ward off shame, which is a more primitive emotion. Shame is about them and if they feel shame they will project something onto whomever they are in a r/s with, i.e., in the form of blaming, accusing, criticizing. Guilt involves respect for another human being and some acknowledgment of the other. BPDs are only concerned with themselves and avoiding their fears of abandonment, shame, chaos, etc. These feelings run their cognitive processes as well. Hence all the distortions when you talk to them. Yes, they use suicide threats as manipulation, although BPDs do have a high suicide rate in relation to the rest of the population. Best to call 911 and stay out of it. I wouldn't worry about whether your ex is OK. She has been running the same trip long before she met you with other people and she will continue to do it. Your first priority is healing yourself from all the abuse.

As for reading: look the right of the screen at the "Lessons." You will find many threads with information. There is also a search mechanism on the upper left side of the website.

Best to you,

Diotima

"As with heroin and its irrecoverable euphoria, or cigarettes smoked in routine excess, something initially sought for pleasure is held more tightly after it ceases to provide enjoyment. Now it is being maintained for negative rather than positive reasons. The love partner must be there in order to satisfy a deep, aching need, or else the addict begins to feel withdrawal pain. His emotional security is so dependent on this other individual around whom he has organized his life, that to be deprived of the lover would be an utter shock to the system of his existence."

Love as an Addiction.-on the Stanton Peele Addiction website. The best and most challenging read you will ever find.

www.peele.net/lib/laa4.html (http://www.peele.net/lib/laa4.html)

Peele, S., with Brodsky, A. (1975), Love and Addiction.

Wow   

I think my experience was more due to a trauma bond due to the break up scene. Had we discussed it like two adults and parted ways it would have been difficult, sad but not so hard. Had he not abused me as he did... had I not witnessed what I did... we might have remained friends.

However, it is what it is.

I think sometimes the reasons the break up with a pwBPD is difficult is due to the severance of our attachment, and particularly if there is abuse, it leaves one shell shocked and hurting. Then the "hope" the relationship returns to the idealization phase. When I evaluate my feelings during the r/s, I was not so bound or caught up with him, during the devaluation stage... it just changed, suddenly I could not stop thinking of him. I was very perplexed by the change of events...

Anyway, I think there are components  that make up the dynamics of the r/s and although there are common patterns, each person's emotional response is varied due to life experience.

I was addicted to his approval... I craved it in the end-horrible experience. Would I have gone through this had he not tore me up mentally and emotionally? I doubt it. During the relationship I used to tell him to not place me on the pedestal... I had my feet on the ground. I do remember however my heart warming toward him when he noticed little things about me others did not. I realize now it was the unfulfilled childhood needs that were being filled in our r/s, I liked that feeling and had no idea how powerful the draw of that need.

But was it an addiction... not quite sure. Whatever it was or is, I work very hard to shore up my fragility and vulnerability.

C

As a fellow addict, thank goodness we have this board, each other and insight.  What do THEY have?  Just misery.

Amen, brother!  I find myself coming back to these boards every so often just to remind me that I am sane.  I am so thankful for all of you, even though what binds us are our horrendous experiences with these people.

Every time I hear from, or see my xuNPDbf, he always says something that reminds me of how miserable he is, and always will be.  Last thing I saw were a couple of youtube songs he posted to his facebook page.  One was "F*ck Christmas" and the other was "The mouth don't stop (the trouble with women is)".  Wow.  I know he is in the process of building a relationship with a woman, just divorced, owns her own house, has a good job (sounds familiar... .that was me when I first met him).  I know what she's thinking when she sees those songs he posted... ."oh, it's so sad that he feels that way... .I'm sure I can make him feel differently".  Good luck, sister!

Well that's about where I've been in the last 6 days.  As I posted last week I called exBPDbf about 5 or so times in one day (stalker much?) because I was worried about him after he posted many posts on fb saying he wanted to kill himself.  He never answered or called me back. 

How I'm taking that now is ------- thinking constantly of him and trying to figure out his reason.  If anything it has really highlighted his "disorder".  Normal people don't completely ignore someone's overwrought calls checking up on them, no matter if they did break up with you or not. 

Anyway, I am thinking more clearly now that I've been NC.  It's amazing.  I've been NC before but this time my eyes feel more open. 

But just that tiny bit of contact (looking at his facebook, etc) shook my world!