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Quote from: Boy on October 09, 2008, 10:35:59 AM

Is devaluation a kind of a dream that’s falling to pieces?


I suspect that is what drives it.

When a person affected with BPD falls in love, they see you very much the way the act, as a super wonderful human being.  You are their soulmate.  This relationship will fill their life and will finally make them feel loved and whole.

Depending how wonderful Mr. Wonderful is (that is how I was described) and how stressful their life is - probably determines how long it takes.

I think devaluation often takes place in waves - in the beginning they see you as wonderful 100% of the time, then 80%, then 60% - you get the idea.

We tend to feed these cycles.  When they first start to devalue us, we try harder... .and it works for a little while.

There is a very confusing period when your partner starts feeling their dreams slip away as you are reaching new levels in your love and attraction to them... .

Just some thoughts... .curious to see what others say.

Skippy

I know that nobody can help them as it seemed like in the idealization phase. As time goes by, we non are more comfortable with the relationship and no need to keep all the attention because we understand the real meaning of love as we know that the other loves us and dont need to hear it everyday because we know but in the BPD, they dont keep it in their mind like we do and have to have it repeated everyday and keep reminding them everyday of the same thing and always new thing. We nons cannot keep that up and thats what wears us out because we all do want to help them because we love them but they dont understand that real meaning of love. it the need that they need everday. its nonstop for the BPD.

my questions

Does this mean if both have stressful job (figuring that the BPD will be the most stressed) it determines how long the relationship lasts?

Is being annoyed with the non a sign of the devaluation phase? I see nothing of annoyed in the posts of devaluation.

Thanks!

Hope everyone had a great 

Narcissists devalue and then discard as a protective measure for their ego. In their minds, Borderlines don't devalue, they mirror. They see devaluation from the Narcissistic side (the desires of the other party) which serves as a catalyst for the "broken attachment" belief of the disorder.


Borderlines have a deficient, part time identity, they mirror others for good. Devaluing that good would mean that they devalue themselves.  Instead, they seek out others *who evaluate them with projective identification as good objects,* in turn evaluating themselves as good objects and *offerings* to that projected good "self"- This comes with the distorted belief that this will give the Borderline safety in the World. The fantasy merger comes from the ideas of reference of BOTH parties.  Since the fusional quality of the relationship IS a fantasy merge- it cannot stand reality testing - and therefore it falls apart.  

The partner then withdraws in order to protect the carefully constructed false self and the Borderline flees in panic to alleviate their fear of splitting and paranoid/schizoid actions. In other words they take flight to safety- either in secret searching or in the immediate arms of another good object- while the partner (also in paranoid/schizoid) isolates in wounded ego and yearns for the missing objectification, wondering if and when they will ever return.  Eventually the wounded partner (if left on their own without also finding a new objectification,) evolves through the required abandonment depression and comes out the other side with personal growth and development.