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I have found that when pwBPD try to remake contact with a non, they seem to do it in a non-direct way at times. Instead of calling or texting you direct they make silent phone calls to your work place hoping that you know it's them. Why do they do this?

I actually did not experience this.  My BPD ex-husband did however, always have an excuse for why he had contacted me after our divorce.  The excuse was manipulative and designed to undermine my logical reason for why he should not have contacted me.  I believe that when they are painting you white (putting you back up on a pedestal), they want to be back in contact and will do anything to get back in contact.

Who knows? Just know that 9 times out of 10 many pwBPD will try to re-engage/recycle because something has gone wrong with they new SOULMATE?LOVE! So they need supply. think emotional vampire.

My exBPD had her girlfriend call me to open up the door I guess .

One never knows what goes on in their minds but in my opinion it is part of the manipulation they continue to give us.  What do they want, who knows, but when they leave us or we leave them they begin with an emotional advantage because they can detatch themselves from their emotions and we can not.  However, at some point in time their advantage fades, and then is gone.  It is at this time they begin to want to reconnect with us because they begin to feel we dont need them anymore.  Because they do not want us to know what kind of emotional mess they are in they do not do it in a direct way.   They desire us but do not want us to hurt them the way they hurt us.  At some point in time they will become desperate with us if we do not respond in their covery ways.  Like many I am going through this covert game and it can be amusing.   Just hang in there becasue I have a feeling your life is going to get more interesting. 

BPD is an inability to self soothe. Emotional dysregulation leads to impulsivity. Impulsivity leads to acting out. The phone call is placed, and the tension is released. It is also a trigger for shame, which lends victimization and serves a self defeating prophecy. That's all it takes to split good into bad until the next episode where they wil seek out good again- perhaps not with you but with someone else.

Hi,

With over 100 silent phone calls the last 12 months ... .yes changed my number but she got it anyhow ... .I also wonder.

She moved on within 7 days ... .told me he was the one within 7 days ... .but still the calls.

I have moved on and very happy with my new partner ... .she is a gem everything the ex wasn't.

At a loss to explain this calling ... .other than to know she ... .my ex was and is very sick.

Applying logic where there is none a waste of time.

Take care  |iiii

Mine is dong the hangup calls and someone tried to get into my FB account the other night from her hometown which is just 20 minutes away from my house.

It's a mind-game that is pretty easy to get your brain entangled in... .  Which may also be part of an ulterior motive on their part, but that's just a guess.

When I went NC, my ex showed up at my house and banged on the door for 45 minutes before he finally went away, leaving a box of sentimental things I had given him during our relationship.  Then he went silent for 4 days.

Then he sent me a 1 line email.  And a 2-line email the next day.  Had his son text me to say "hi" the following day.  And later that afternoon, anonymously dropped off a gift for me at my house.  Now I haven't heard from him in 4 days... .  Bizarre.

I have him blocked from calling or texting me.  And I've blocked him on FB.  I had my home phone unplugged for over a week.  So I've been doing my best to limit his access to me.

I really hope this is the last that I've heard from him.  But geez, if he IS going to make contact, I wish he'd just SAY what's on his mind, instead of this stupid "reaching out without really reaching out, hoping for a reaction without actually soliciting a reaction."

On that note -- psychologically speaking, it may be part of that whole "object constancy" thing where they feel the need to stay close to you -- coupled with the fear of abandonment and rejection.  By being covert, they aren't opening themselves up to an outright rejection, because technically, they're not soliciting one, right?  Dunno.  Just a thought.

You have to remember -- there's nothing "on his mind" to say.  All he needs to know is this:  you are available to him.  Not for a relationship... .not for conversation... .not for anything in particular (unless and until he decides to re-engage more deliberately).   He just needs to know you are not gone forever.  He still has a number to text to, a doorstep to drop things on, etc.  That's all he needs, in order to feel better.

And you may think he's risking rejection -- but he's not.  Because whatever you may say to purportedly "reject" him is irrelevant to HIM.   You may respond to his (weird) little contact attempts by calling him every name under the sun and telling him you never want to see his face again... .but -- to HIM -- it doesn't matter.   All he needs to know, is that you were there to receive them, or (better yet) actually listened, or (even better still) you replied.

Yes, this was my thought too. Even when we were together, my ex couldn't even ask me outright if I wanted to go out or do something... .a 40 something y.o. business owner. It was always "i'm thinking about going out to dinner", and then it was up to me to ask if he wanted me to go? At first it was confusing, but I finally figured out the language. It is about fear of rejection. My ex does the calls too, and also sets up fake profiles to contact me on a dating site. It's so crazy. If they put half the effort into getting healthy that they spend coming up with these tactics, maybe things would work out better for them. But alas, I know they really can't help it - it's part of the disorder.

htl67

Everything you're saying sounds accurate. The thing is, short of selling my house, I'm doing everything I can to NOT give him that impression. I haven't responded to any of it. (Even his son -- which crushed me, but I knew it was a set-up). I took the gift off my porch, but I left it in the bag, in plain view inside, so if he came by again, he could see I didn't "receive" it, as intended.

I'm not available to him, for anything. Eventually, he'll get the picture I suppose. Heck, maybe he already has! :)

My exuBPDgf moved out end of Dec and contacts me every week like clockwork! It is quite amusing for the most part. I have been emotionally healing and I'm sure her new toy and honeymoon period is running out lol 

One reason I would say is that they do not ever like to admit they were wrong.  They can not look at us and say they should still be with us.  Even when its obviuos to everyone they should

Just an update if i may.   The silent phone calls are still arriving at my work place.  How long is this going to go on for?   We have been apart 12 months now and i thought that she would have moved on.    If she wanted to re-make contact why doesn't she just speak, and then i can tell her where to go  :) 

You are pre-supposing she's normal.  Stop doing that.  A few reasons for this behavior.  First, the whole object constancy thing.  Hearing your voice helps her remember you I'd bet.  In the same way my ex constantly wore a sweatshirt I gave her the night we met to bed every night.  Also, gets you thinking about her.

I think they're really sensitive to rejection, but their impulses have them act out in odd ways.  So she's contacting you but she's not.  Again they make no sense. 

 

Because they are cuckoo?

Hi!

OMG... .htl67, I know we've talked before as ours are so alike! He was the same way, never directly aslking me to go to dinner, etc. Always, "well I'll be at so and so place, Sat night, let me know if you'll be there" or instead of just asking me to come over, it was always, "are you in for the night?" or something similar. I too believe it was total fear of rejection. If they don't ask, you can't say no!

Fear of rejection.

They do it so they're not asking for anything that would even be close to you rejecting them. My ex has been sending me texts hoping Im well and liking my pics. She didn't ask anything that would require a reply, so I didn't.

Bingo Nylonsquid. Mine has been doing the same on Facebook ie liking almost everything I post usually 3 days in a row and then nothing for several days. She told me once she hated to be rejected by someone she really cared about. And i think this a "covert" way to signal to me that she is ready for me to give chase/give attention. But its never anything direct like I would do. So like you I dont even respond.

I mean grow the cup up!  Hi!

I suspect that they are making contact with about four ex-partners simultaneously. They have realised that if they covertly test who among their old, wilted flames is still able to rise back up and show interest in another dousing, then they can narrow their 'choices' down to a shortlist without anyone figuring out what they're up to. They can post a link to John Lennon's 'Imagine' on their Facebook and caption it, 'Oh, my darling John', with the hope that their ex, also called John, might get the secret message. The next day, they might post Paul McCartney's 'Another Day', saying, 'Actually, I think I prefer Paul', and their ex, called Paul, might send them a PM declaring undying love. Of course, they have 'something' for George after all these years. Just remember: when you are on the receiving end of this kind of multi-tasking, covert seduction, just be like Ringo, and sing 'Back Off, Boogaloo.' lol

I've been NC for about 4 months now. The only connection we still have is that his name is still on the mortgage (no need to speak so long as I pay it) and our children.  The youngest is having some issues so I emailed him to suggest that the teacher's suggestion of therapy was something I think we need to do.  His response was that our communication was what was needed and that he and I need to discuss and engage at each drop off.  Just a ploy to open the door.  Keeping it so I don't have to engage with him has allowed me to heal and move on. It has been wonderful.  The idea of talking to that manipulative sick person actually makes me ill.  I won't subject myself to it.  The toxicity of our divorce has been hard on the children but the only cure is to put the brakes on his manipulation and my participation in that manipulation.  I quit!

Putting a border up to protect against the borderline is the only way to get through this horrible experience.  His life has gone haywire since he moved out and it is not my problem anymore. 

Not much about having been involved with a pwBPD is funny except usually in hindsight. But the post in this thread by Normality Arrives had me laughing until I had tears in my eyes.

MY BPD ex did this all the time when we dating with the posting of youtube videos of love songs to her facebook page.

It was really odd at the time because a couple of women (different ones but all supposedly just "friends" always commented or liked these songs!

 It now seems to me that  this was one way she was gauging our interest level/desperation to be with her by HOW OFTEN we commented. I thought it odd that she posted so many SAD (sylvia Plath Sad) music videos so I never commented.

So HEADS UP to me! these women falling all over themselves were my replacements! Now these women never like or comment  but a new crop with different names are liking commenting. These are my replacements/replacements!

I so dodged a bullet... . Hi!