BPDFamily.com

Most on this board have heard from their ex in one way or another after the breakup.  I have not heard anything from my ex fiance in 4 months, since she dumped me.  Even if she had a replacement, which I don't know if she does or not (she claimed there was nobody else when she dumped me), even if she does now, I would have thought she would have at least acknowledged in some way I still existed, if nothing else, to rub it in my face.

It makes me angry, depressed, and confused that someone could cut you out of their life and have no thought of ever contacting you again.  Even to say I'm sorry for the way things happened or I hope you are doing well.  I know a lot of you would say I am lucky for not being contacted by her, but it is hard for me to feel this way when this was a person I had made a marriage commitment to, BPD or not.

It's hard for me to process that I meant nothing and am nothing to her.  Am I the only one who feels this way?

Im just over four months out, i herd from her once only to set me back by trying to tell me her dumping me was all my fault. Yep just started fighting with me over phone. I know it is hard to swallow what you are going through.I didnt do anything wrong. But I did hold my ground to boundaries she would try to cross. Maybe thats why she left. I dont know. 

You are probably feel like this a bad dream. This is the craziest thing I ever went through. I couldn't believe this is all happening.

Thats because there isnt any logic with people who are crazy. Thats what I tell my self when I'm having a rough day. there not nomal and you cant be in a relationship with them unfortunately. Hang in there. This will eventually  make you a better person. Im already starting to feel it. I still sometimes wish she would call and be nice to me. But realistically Its better she dosnt. Sorry your going through this. You got to hang in there and commit to this is the best thing for you. believe in that   

No, most of us felt that way.  I hate to say this, but you probably won't hear from her until she finds herself all alone again.  For me it was 18 months both times. (I guess that's the shelf life of his relationships.)

I know it hurts to be set aside like that.  But that's how they work.  You have to think of yourself as more of a "need' and less than a "want."  We don't hear from them until they need to feel loved, cared for, important, relevant.   They don't miss us like we miss them.  Think about a beloved maternal/paternal relative.  :)o you often think of them and want to see them and spend time with them?  Most of the time the answer is no.  But when life isn't going well, or you are feeling lonely, you might start to think about them, become nostalgic; and a nice phone call to "Aunt Tilley" makes you feel better.  Aunt Tilley will always be there for you, and she never asks for anything in return.  

I think that is what we mean to a BP once the relationship has ended.  We're just someone who is always there to care for them, but we get nothing in return.

You probably will hear from her again, but it's not necessarily a good thing.

I think that some BPDs truely know how dangerous they are... .and although, they may not love you in the true sense, they care enough to stay away knowing that they will hurt you.

My ex left me because it "wouldn't be fair" to me.  How noble!  He left me with a ton a debt... .on the same day that my family swindled thousands of $ from me... .left me with no family... wearing an engament ring... .and he was so very concerned about me that he left!  

Sorry for the digression lol.  I'm a bit bitter today... lol.

To revert to the subject.  It may be that they have someone else, something else, or that they are trying to "fix" themselves.  They are very aware that WE make them "crazy". They don't like it.  :)on't want to be reminded of the shame they cause... .so they disappear.  They'll come back when it is "safe" for them... .when they think we will validate them.  Be glad that they stayed away... .not all BPDs are the same

This is a very important key when you are not constantly being reengaged - likely you did show consistent strong boundaries in the past and that does not go over well for pwBPD.  My ex would see a strong boundary as a personal attack.

4 months is not a lot of time - although it probably feels that way to you.


Wrap your head around this - you actually meant everything to her; so much so, that the fear of losing you shows itself in such maladaptive behavior as to leave you before you could leave her.  It is not logical; but if she didn't care about you - you likely would not be seeing this side to her.

This behavior you are seeing is not a personal attack on you - even though it feels this way.  Be patient and kind to yourself, it will all start to feel different as you become less hurt and more capable of absorbing the facts.

forgetthepast,

It's so hard to let go of someone you love. I haven't heard from my ex is 6 months and I never expect to hear from him again.  :)enial and shame play a huge part in the decisions they make but this doesn't help us sleep at night and this doesn't help us to love them any less.  Compassion from your ex would require taking responsibility for her actions and this isn't likely to happen.  

I'm sorry you are hurting.  You did mean something to her... .but her feelings for you slipped through her fingers like water.  It was real; it just wasn't forever and it wasn't anything she could hold onto.

I found it helpful to let go of hope and literally watch it fly away.  I tore up a picture of him and let the wind take the pieces and scatter them over the hillside.  I know I'll never see him again... .he is too ashamed.  But I will keep the wonderful memories of the good times and cherish them forever.

Peace to you  

I'm in the same boat.  Technically 3 months, but other than unblocking at some point on facebook for an unspecified amount of time I've had no contact from her.

My guess is that since she's young and still attractive she's found plenty of replacements and hasn't had any "need" to recycle me.

Count your blessings: I'm sure if you asked about 99.9% of the people here would say "THAT'S A GOOD THING!"

Trust me, she's not going to come back to apologize, and even if she does, it'll just be an attempt to get you back into her cycle.  In all honesty, it sounds like she would probably succeed, too, if you're craving an apology from her.

Oh, and to answer your question, when I think about it, you're right, it's confusing and it doesn't make sense.  Then I remember what is very likely going on in her head BPD-wise and it makes sense, and I can leave it alone.

Her incapacity to deal with the situation has nothing to do with me, it has to do with a cyclical script that she keeps playing out and will continue to play out with other people until she gets some help.  I, however, have since rewritten my script and feel like I'm at my life's peak now.  If anything, hopefully your ex will be a catalyst for you to do the same.

Very well said.  And thanks for the insight about boundaries; I was on again off again with the boundaries, and i wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that she hasn't tried to re-engage me.

They  come  back,  trust  me.  Mine  goes  2-3  years  in  between  recycles... .i'm  the  last  resort  she  turns  to  when  life  sucks  and  shes  burned  all  other  bridges... .

Mine came back after 5-1/2 months. 

i was broken up with and ignored for months on end. only when she had moved on was she willing to speak to me, which was 5 weeks after the break up. this was because i confronted the situation because i didn't know why i was broken up with and what the hell was going on.

all my texts for 2 months were ignored but the only txt that she replied to was the one i sent on valentines day to which her reply to me was "i'm sorry i have a BF'... who knows if she would of contacted me...

4 months with no contact from them is a very short period of time... very short in the grand scheme of things. Some do not come back ever but those would be more of the exception not the norm and of those I would think if they had steady supply like mine does (these women do cartwheels, best smiles get naked fairly quickly for her   ) so maybe she is full up in supply department.

Or maybe you did have really strong boundaries concerning her behavior(s) and she thinks why Bother? with him/her? So again no contact. pwBPD arent big fans of integrity or signs of moral strength. That part of their playbook has the pages torn out dontcha know!  .

Dont worry about them focus on healing you.Again 4 months? really? Had a ex with BPD contact me 4 years after tearing my heart out and feeding it back to me!  Hi!

Forgetthepast, I am sorry that you are feeling down.  

I agree with the others, four months isn't much time in BPD world.  Chances are you will get a reengagement attempt at some point.  May take months or even years, but it often happens with BPDs.

If it does, how will you handle it?

Hi ForgetthePast

Yep - identical situation here. But mine is 5 months NC.

I think our situation is a little different to many of the others because we never got an answer to a single question!

I took mine to see a theatre show on DEC 6th and never heard from them again. I called to say Merry Christmas. Nothing back. Happy New year. Nada.

Left a few voicemails in January to no avail. And then when he ignored my birthday in February, I got really mad and left an angry voice mail.

Most of the reading I have done has been to heal myself from the traumatic effects when a victim of the silent treatment.

The following article helped me a lot. /dirtywork.html

A BPD punishing you with complete withdrawal and with-holding is going to win every time. If you respond angrily they see that they have grounds to continue the punishment. If you don't react at all then we confirm to them we never really cared. It is incredibly cruel and goes to all of our own abandonment issues and is an extreme part of the verbal abuse spectrum (ironically enough!)

Just remind yourself you are dealing with an incredibly emotionally immature person and that you can't win this one.

As recently as last week, I caved and left a voicemail begging for them to call me and give me closure.

I am mostly ok and can be strong for weeks at a time, until a pang of complete devastation hits me and I am reminded that someone who shared my bed, my life, basically cut me off cold without explanation.

Toughest thing I have ever endured and it is a miracle my health and job have not been affected more than they have. I have had times when I could focus on nothing other than ruminating about what I did that was so bad to warrant this... .or on how to fix it.

But then I went to anger and that got me to acceptance and now I wouldnt dream of attempting contact again.

I am going to give them the silent treatment now... .but not out of revenge and not for a short amount of time.

It is in my own interests to never communciate wit this person ever again for the pain they caused me

My heart is too soft and I can overlook bad things too easily and go back to the good stuff. But not this time.

Be strong. Come to this site as often as you need to. Distract yourself from the pain.

all the best

BB12

Yeah, even though the length of time is similar your situation is different than mine. I didn't get my questions answered but at least I got responses.

Also, I cut off communication with her first. I got involved with another girl and decided it wasn't fair to be clinging to the past. I went LC; I wished her a happy new year, made a comment on one of her Facebook posts and subsequently got blocked. That was around mid-January. Haven't heard from her since.

Closure is a big thing, and the longer the relationship was the bigger it is.

The last thing mine said to my was to go F myself and never speak to her again, so I went NC starting then. I haven't heard from her in close to a year now, and it's definitely very weird as she still crosses my mind every day. I'm doing a lot better now but still miss her sometimes, overall I'm okay though. I doubt mine ever re-engages me due to the fact that she has a new boyfriend and due to the fact that I called her out for her wrong doings in the end such as cheating, lying, and stringing me along. The "Go F yourself and never talk to me again" thing was actually a response to me getting fed up with being mistreated so badly post break up, I finally stood up to her and got shut out as a result. These people are very sick, mine showed zero remorse for any of her immoral behaviors at the end of the relationship and afterwards... .nothing like the girl I thought I was with.

You'll be okay, just make sure to feel your pain. Your pain is real and your thoughts are real, try to feel and observe them from a neutral stand point whilst also not letting any of it get in the way of you working towards your goals. Best of luck  my friend.

'

Thanks Vicious Cycle

Yeah my situation was borne of me pushing back too.

I think, subconsciously, I wanted to let him know that the way he had started to treat me was not cool. Boundary setting I suppose.

He had begun to pick fights, roll his eyes, and generally pick fights.

The romantic side of things was already over and in retrospect, he must have sourced new supply. Then snip... .he cut the cord and painted me black.

I think the silent treatment only happens when we have pushed back, offended them with a demonstration of strength or boundaries. And if they have lined someone else up and they feel confident they have someone else to fill the void, then bang... .they're gone

Bb12

From what I've read, they process the end of the relationship completely opposite of how we "nons" do. We grieve at the beginning and slowly recover and feel better. They on the other hand, are fine initially, whether it's because they have a replacement or just paint you black, but as time goes on, it gets worse for them and they begin to miss you more and more and then will eventually reach out in need.

BTW, this explanation was written by a woman supposedly"recovering" from BPD.

That actually makes a lot of sense.  I wonder what other people here will think of it.

Three years out and not a peep... .I left her suddenly which may have contributed to that, but at the time I felt a bit worthless that she didn't try and pull me back in.

Three years down the track and I'm grateful that it worked out that way, I don't think I would've had the strength to keep walking if she'd tried.

Regardless of how it plays out now, it's the long-term result that matters... .It hurts now, but it's much better on the other side.

My ex told me this verbatim on multiple occasions. He said that the more he was not with me, the more he realized how much he misses me and realizes how special we were.

Now, a normal person who understands his/her mistakes would follow such realizations by trying to heal the hurts and behave in ways that rebuild. But not so fast. In him, these realizations motivated nothing more than empty words that he didn't hesitate in sharing with no good intentions.

It's easy for me to say to you, "Be very glad you haven't heard" - and mean it - but unfortunately, it's not possible to know what it's like to walk in another's shoes on this.  On one hand, you have the validation of perceived continued involvement in his/her thought processes. On the other hand, and this is important, ask yourself what that really boils down to:

* Continued involvement in deeply disturbed thought processes

* Continued push/pull - even within some of the same communication

* Continued engagement and fresh new wounds, whatever those wounds might be. I don't think I've read of a single instance when this kind of contact lead to honest awareness, solid understanding, or peace.

What do you want from the communication? I can tell you at least from my own experience, whatever you think or expect you'll get from it - you will not. In my own experience, what you will get is more pain.

I empathize with how you feel, and can't say I'd feel differently in your shoes. The bottom line is that the ends of these relationships are fraught with pain and unanswered questions, regardless of whether or not our former partners continue to engage. The pain, for me, lies in large part in the absolute absence of honor. Relationships end, yes, and that hurts. But to be discarded without honor has hurt me more than I can describe.

Be careful what you wish for... .but then, I give myself the same advice. We can't always know what color green the other side of the fence provides. In these scenarios, unfortunately, all we can know is that neither side is green at all, but brown.

I think whether you hear or not depends on how attached they got. Mine "let me in" quite a bit and a year in a relationship for him, is a milestone. I believe he will never stop contacting me, unless I truly go NC, permanently. He always seems to reach out when I'm feeling weak and then I respond and it starts all over again.

When we've gotten together, it's like it always was. Fun, happy, laughing, idolizing. He is so good at compartmentalizing and splicing events, as if they never happened. Unfortunately, I believe I've become good at it, too. Ugh!

At the height of our relationship my BPDexgf and her daughter lived with me and my boys, her daughter even had her own room.  Then as we all know, the wheels started to come off but like many of us I though love would prevail... .

Well, we go through a 'silent' phase with her still reaching out with an 'I love you so much' or a 'I hope you're saving time off so we can travel this summer'... .then... .BAM text message that says 'hey your boys saw me at school today with a new male friend so I hope you told them we're no longer sweeties... .'

And that was it... .she disappeared from my life complete NC for a little over a year.  Then one day I opened my email and my heart laterally almost jumped out of my chest... .an email from her.  Well I posted it here and remained for the most part no contact and finally asked her once and for all to 'Please don't text, email or call me again... .and please respect this boundary... ."

Well this summer will be two years since she last reached out with her long love letter to try to re-engage me and I turned her away... .now when I see her she looks the other way... .nervously turns and walks away etc etc... .I don't think I will ever hear from her again, even though she bought a house in my neighborhood... .

I guess to boil it down, overall the contact SUCKED!  It hurt it had mixed messages and in the end I had to do the hardest thing I ever have had to do and tell this person I love to please leave me alone... .forever. 

I know it doesn't make any sense and it hurts... .but NC is better in the long run... .sad but true... .some days I'm still torn about not letting her in last time she reached out... .oh well

Be strong and wish for NC you will be better off for it... .

Newstart

I have wondered this too.  You read these forums and get this weird jealousy that others are hearing from their crazy ex and not me.  Honestly, though, our post break-up dance last a while - almost one full year.  It had to stop at some point.  I have read so many stories on here about ex's just disappearing never to be heard from again.  This was hardly the case for me.  She agonized after making the decison and all the mixed messages that followed made me feel like a pretzel.

At some point it had to end,  we were on post b/u dance #2 and I ran into her with someone.  I said my goodbyes and blocked her number.  I am pretty sure she knows I don't want any more contact.  She tried through a friend and I ignored it.

As an aside to those who were broken up with and never heard word one.  I befriended a borderline in recovery a while back.  She had all the history of chaotic relationships, and in my eyes still had a long way to go.  Nonetheless, she was very self-aware and aware of what she did.  She told me point blank that a lot of borderlines know when they have made a giant mess of a relationship.  They won't revisit for they don't want to be reminded of that ugliness.  It is easier to start fresh.  She told me this a few times. 

Also, if someone doesn't want to be with you whether they are disordered or not in my opinion the right thing is to end communication.  As much as you may not realize it your borderline is giving you a gift. 

I was who did not hear from mine for some time and now she has began the re-engagement, not yet recycling but I have been told that is coming sometime later.  To tell you what to expect if you do get re-engaged, and you probably will, you will not geta sincere apology, they will continue to try to blame it all on you.  You will still be lied to, they will still try to manipulate you.  they will make excuses to talk to you, but not really say anything worth hearing.  And you will get tired of then rather quickly and the more you do not wish to deal to them the more they will try to deal with you, but it is not the same, you never can trust them and you find yourself not being able to stand being anywhere near them.  Mine has declared she is engaged to her new interest and is wearing the engagement ring I gave her.  I have no idea what to make of that.  But Forgetting and the rest, you will probably hear from them again becasue they tend to rewrite history in their own mind and at some point you will be back even if you dont want to be.

Outside of her response to my lawyer's letter for return of personal property, I haven't heard a word from her in 1.5 years_

SWLSR,

Forgive me, but I laughed when I read that your ex said she was engaged to someone else but wearing the engagement ring you gave her?  Who does that?   ;p  

On a more serious note, thank you everyone for responding.  I have been going through some changes lately, I am moving back into my house this week (long story), but it is my home and I do have some mixed emotions.  I rented my house out to be with her and her kids.  We were going to buy a house together and get married, but obviously that never materialized.  I suffered great trauma in the aftermath of this breakup as her whole family verbally attacked me for trying to make the relationship work.  We had split up about 5 times and I was trying one last time to make it work.  She agreed to work at the relationship but dumped me a week later.  I know her family is dysfunctional and I shouldn't take it personally, but at the time I sure did.  This was a family who really liked me, or so I thought.  I feel relieved in a sense to go back to my own home after living in an apartment for the last 7 months, but I am also sad that I am moving back into the house I thought would remain a rental as we would purchase our dream home together.

I continue to doubt I will hear from her again.  I think OTF said it best, that they know when a relationship has become a mess and it is easier to start over with someone else.  I do see some logic in that, but it is tough when you wanted it to work with this person.  I believe that is exactly what she is doing.  The thing is, she caused the mess, but she will never see it or admit to it.  She is still a person and despite what happened, I do care about her and the kids.  I thought maybe she would have extended some sort of gratitude for the time we spent together, the things I did for the kids, apologize, etc. but the fact she hasn't just confirms to me that she is not healthy.

I am slowly trying to get through this, but there are days when the confusion and pain bubble up to the surface.

FTP  

I havent heard a peep in almost 1 year. He left his OW about 6 months ago- still I've heard nothing. And mind you, we are still married.

Pretty sure I'm not going to hear from him. He told me while we were dating that he NEVER goes back. Plus, he's too narcissistic.

Simpleone-Interesting point, mine was an extreem narcissist as well and I wonder if this has something to do with the no contact?

Mine is a serious narcissist- I think he'd rather die than "move backwards"- when he's done with you, he's REALLY done. He'd feel like a fool if he contacted me. It would hurt his ego too much. And since he told me everything was my fault anyways- why would he ever contact me again? Nope, pretty sure his intentions were to hurt me, and never look back again.

From what I've read/heard, narcissists tend to NOT recycle.

Hi, I think this post might be over with? Not sure, but wanted to comment anyways, just in case it's still open. Well, comment/ask a question too. I came up on this thread through a google search, looking for advice on not hearing from your ex after a few months, even after trying to contact them yourself. I already knew he was a pathological liar, a maybe some sort of mild version of one, I'm not sure exactly what to label him. He also had some sort of weird fetish/addiction thing to a certain kind of porn I'd rather not discuss-but let's just say after 1 year and a half of being labeled "the crazy one" (and I even bought it for a little while and sought the therapy myself as he suggested I do), anyways, also I was told I just have a higher sex drive and my hormones were out of whack, and after settling for being "intimate" for once a week-if I was lucky- I finally had enough-after eventually discovering the lack of intimacey was a side effect of his long time porn addiction. He came clean after I discovered it. Yep, it was morning and night , even before being "intimate" with me that he was watching it. It was pictures of women posting themselves live-dont want to get more detailed than that. Anyways, didn't want to settle for crumbs of affection anymore, so I broke it off (2years total of being together, and 4 months out of that of living together) -and I moved out.  I've been doing all the reading, attending S-anon groups for support-anyways, my question is - the compulsive lieing thing-is that trademark BPD behavior as well? I totally understand the not hearing from them. It's been 2 months since I moved out - and of course I'm angry, but still want to be acknowledged, but getting the feeling that I may never get that- and it wouldnt surprise me. I just figured, if you're the one who messed up, wouldn't you feel guilt on some level, if not, reflect on the love you had for someone before being discovered, and want to reach out to them? Does he really just not miss me? That sucks, because that really makes me feel like I wasted the past 2 years if the feelings were truly one sided this whole time. They need to hurry up and invent a device that can read chemical activity/brain waves of people that can dictate the one's with BPD, for the love of God, so people at least know to not get ROMANTICALLY involved with them. They are tricksters! They need to be exposed!

Wow-p.s.- I don't post things very often, and just saw a lot of grammatic errors and how LONG my comment turned out to be! Whoops, guess I just needed to vent. Anyways, hope someone reads and can understand. As for the original post, I feel your pain and thankful I came across this site because it makes more sense out of my situation. So, thank you.

I agree. I've been going through this since we broke up. At first it made me angry, now I laugh inside. We ended good, but it turned ugly. She painted me black and was sure my replacement was "the one" until she got dumped. The first contact was when she text me to ask for her birth certificate. I saw with my own two eyes when she packed that away when she was leaving my house. lol I can always tell when her relationship is taking a beating or she's just plain lonely or just nosey wanting to know if I have some one new. smh!

If you been a really good person to her... .  she'll be back in some capacity. Just wait for it... wait for it! (=

I know this is a late response but it was the appropriate thread.

I've identified my uBPDexgf as a hermit- BPD. It's been about a month now and complete and deafening silence from her.

Does anyone have any insight into how Hermits recycle? If they're more prone to just never contact you again?

It would be nice to hear any epilogues or new chapters on this thread

A very interesting and educational thread here.  But aren't they all?   

I have been total NC with my exBPD wife for 10 months, other than one email I had to send her for court purposes.  And that was 7 months back.  Gotta say, I'm lovin it!  I have no concern for her attempting contact.  The last time I saw her, I gave her a "gift" which was wrapped and I walked away.  It was a copy of "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  In it I wrote her a note that I hoped she would finally get the help she desperately needs.  So to answer your question, I don't believe I will hear from her unless or until, she faces her demons.  In her email response to me last August regarding the court matter, she also included that she didn't have BPD, but had been diagnosed with severe ADHD.   

Deny, deny, deny.  If anything, she is TRI-morbid.  Multiple affairs, stealing, theft, 5 children with 3 men.  4 marriages, soon to be 5.  Compulsive lying and shopping.  Binge eating, some sort of neurological disorder, fibromyalgia, lupus yadda yadda.  I doubt she will attempt contact merely because she has never shown ANY sense of remorse for the hundreds and hundreds of salacious and unsavory acts against here x's.  She knows that lack of remorse was the absolute last straw before I divorced her. 

Sad.  So very sad.  I hope she finds peace some day.  But it can't be with me or with my help because I've done all I possibly could.

I'm interested to see when my exBPDbf will reach out to me since he has a long history of staying in contact with his exes. Granted, he's engaged now but I anticipate that r/s turning to s%&t within six months. He was amazed and happy when we surpassed the six month mark because he told me he never managed to be in an r/s for more than six months, excluding his beyond dysfunctional marriage to a woman with a long list of psych issues. I feel for her since I know that being married to him was not a healthy thing for her.

What's funny to think of now is his observation that every time he gave one of his gf's jewelry she would leave shortly thereafter. And guess what? Two days before breaking up he gave me a diamond necklace for Christmas, like it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Its been 7 months now. I struggle daily with the feeling of not being good enough and that I wasted 16 months of my life on someone who only used me as an emotional tampon until she could find someone more to her social background. I saw a photo of her and the new guy on her (strangley now open) Instagram account. I said simply "Im glad your happy, Goodbye love". Got a scathing text message back. Learned a big lesson on that one and wont ever do that again. Im still around her a bit because she coaches my son's HS Volleyball team. Yay... .I dont know if I will ever hear from her again and really hope the fu*k I dont.

On the contrary forgetthepast, you meant ALL to her, that’s why. Been there, exw parents have been there.

And yes, I is hard to depersonalize as it wasn’t about us, no, but WE/Family were the target that were hit.

Try to look at her past, really back to the very 1st time (even ask old friends/family, if you can), that predicts the future.

Relating to exw, she is a people cutter, took 9 yrs. to re-establish any contact with her parents. So I know enough, despite exw never said goodbye or never told me she wanted to file for divorce… 

PwBPD never say goodbye…

As earlier mentioned that pwBPD grieve in reverse, I don’t completely agree. For some maybe, but from my experience and based on a Board for pwBPD the grieve is processed by suppression.

In order to overcome emotional losses, pwBPD ‘switch emotions off’, they can do it because of their coping (kind of conditional memory when the emotions become too much to coop with).

Grieve, hurt and losses can only be processed (in a way) by keeping busy, busy with burying themselves into another r/s that sooths them, busy in activities, etc.

At the moment the audience is gone, pwBPD face there half empty self. Anything (object, a smell, etc.) in such a moment that reminds them of past hurt, causes pain again. Pain that must be avoided and the cycle begins again.

My exBPDgf is already 7 months in NC with me. I don't think she will come back. I'm blacker than black, she'll hate me for the rest of my life. Looking at her past relationships she was able to tell that they never lasted longer than three weeks because after that she just didn't want it, it was too much etc. and she didn't recycle - she always said "If it's over it's over." (even though she told me when we were broken up already and I asked her whether we would try another time "I don't know what happens in a year or so but not any time soon... .", so yeah, a bit weird). Our relationship lasted two and a half month (I even gave her the chance to get out earlier, but she didn't want to), but our friendship much longer. So taken together we were hanging out with each other for a year. So I was her longest girlfriend (I'm bisexual and female). But maybe that's exactly the reason I'm the blackest black ever. I got too close to her.

When I got together with her she still hated her last ex-boyfriend (they had been broken up two years already!). One night we were out with our sport's team (we played in the same team) and her ex showed up. He didn't show up because of her but because he was a former team mate but had left two years ago (I suspect he left because of her because the break up and him leaving happened all by the sam time). You should've seen her. How she raged at him, "How dare you showing up here?", then he left with some other friend to go to another club and she followed him there to only tell him "what an assh*le he is", she said she just needed to tell him that. She did not try to recycle but hated him still even after two years. WOW.

At the one hand she knows about her problems with relationships, she even told me after our break up that she didn't want one anymore. She even painted black EVERY single friend she had here. First her friends, than me, than the team. There's no one left. And that's the truth. She's a hermit. She has no replacement, that I'm sure of. She's very untypical about that. And she's still not reaching out to me. She doesn't need someone else anymore I guess. She accepted her misery. That's why she drinks so much, also why she self harms so much. That's her supply now. She won't reach out. She's way too proud to do that anyway. The more narcissistic they are the less they are prone to recycling.

they do recycle. I'm not sure why people on here think a sociopath or narcissist will not return. Because I've read hundreds of pages where they do. Bpd's don't use the cutting of contact as punishment.  They do it because you "hurt them"...

you are correct. They never truly say goodbye or let go. And the blacker your painted the more you meant to them.

It's been a little more than two months for me. I feel a bit better but I still deal with much anger and hurt. I just want to get over it. I was only with her for 6 1/2 months but now it's 2 months of feeling miserable. LOL. The weather is getting nice and I still don't want to work out or do anything.

Some of you (JRT, Denno) have been here since I first came to these boards and your stories are so familiar and heartbreaking.

I look forward to the day when we all can put these people behind us.

Couldn't agree more

Mine is a waif/hermit type.  She wanted to work things out and kept the door open and tried to contact for a bit.  I contacted a few times in a friendly/apologetic way, but I made it clear that I was done.  Then I cut contact.  I think now she either has fresh supply or she is too embarrassed to keep pestering me because it will make her seem like the needy one.  Given how she acts, you would not think she is as image conscious as she is.

It was pass my friend... .it will pass I promise. The pain is gone for me largely and I am almost 6 months. True though that I still wonder... .I still think... .I'm also pissed. Being here helps. Doing things helps.

It has to because if you look at the people who originally posted in this thread they are long gone. Hope so! Peace to you brother!

Getting ready to tear open the scab. My sons Volleyball season opens soon and she's the coach. I have my stone face mask of indifference ready. Even though it's going to kill me to see her, I'm following the deodorant commercial, "never let them see you sweat". I'm ready.

I really think that hermits don't necessarily need new people to replace you/fill their inner void. I think they can also fill it - at least temporarily - wiht some new hobbies, objects, or they change their jobs, move to another city etc., they just need some "projects" the can work on and compensate their bad feelings. My exBPDgf used to read A LOT of crime books, she went to the gym daily, she didn't eat properly (then it turned to binge eating), she drank huge amounts of alcohol, she cut herself lots of times etc. - that's how she escapes from her turmoil, she doesn't need people as a replacement. I'm an asperger, I would call myself a hermit (not as in BPD-terms, just a real-life hermit) and hermits in general don't need much from the outer world. I can simply withdraw for two or three months until I feel the need to go out again and meet people. I don't necessarily need people to make me feel good (I though have friends, value them and love them a lot).

So what I want to say: I think that hermits are the ones to recycle the least.

My exBPDgf ALWAYS used excuses to contact me. When I was sick and couldn't go to practice I wrote it in our WhatsApp-group to inform the team. Only then she contacted me, asked me what was going on, how I was and then she would turn it into a normal conversation. But she never just started a conversation just because she wanted to speak to me. Hermits don't like small talk (again, I mean the term in general, not the BPD-term) and I can say that about myself as well. It was difficult for me because I'm like that as well and yet I always had to contact her to plan dates etc. Otherwise we wouldn't have seen us at all.  lol

Good assessment 1989. That has been my experience after the breakup. (I can't really call it a breakup... .It was just an outright, deceitful abandonment. Cut- and-Run, if you will)... .my exBPD a partner was still with new supply... but it was 18months later after the black paint job that she made contact. I could not FULLY see it at that time, but it was as you described, which of course confused me, I was "in love" with this person ... .but they were just contacting me to "consume" me... .totally for their needs. They also expected me to be that same thoughtful, supportive caring guy that I always was despite their completely unacceptable, abusive behavior. It was very "childish" contact. No awareness of any responsibility of my feelings or needs.  No awareness or responsibility of the feelings of the person that she was living with apparently  either. It was all about selfish, childish her. It was unsettling. To say the least. I did not know about BPD then... so it was very confusing.

As you say... .hearing from her was NOT a good thing... .on those "terms" it was very upsetting and painful.

Thank God I was in T and I firmly dismissed her (not abusively), and took care of me.  I was still working hard at my healing process.

This is my first contribution to this useful website. My daughter lives in Ireland with her partner who has a personality disorder (not sure if it is BPD or NPD). My daughter lacks self esteem and has become a clone of her personality disorder partner. They have a daughter who has serious congenital disease that is reversible. I have offered to pay for all the expenses to have our gd treated in the US. My daughter and her partner are both unemployed but show no appreciation for all we try to do for them.

They often cut us out, refuse to let us see our gd on Skype (we live in the Mediterranean) are often verbally abusive and have even threatened to kill me. My wife is on the verge of a breakdown.

I have had a very successful career but I feel I have been a failure in the thing I desired most - being a grandfather to my gd who is a lovely soul. We are now practically NC and while this eases some of the stress we have been through in the last 7 years, I know that time is passing by and we may never get the chance to see our daughter and gd again.

Life seems to be all about luck. My wife and I slaved for decades to bring up my daughter in the best possible environment but what we get now is ingratitude and heart ache.

Married 25 years.

3 kids, beautiful home, 2 dogs.

Hopes, dreams, plans for the future.

Then I find out he's 8 months deep into an affair.

Throw him out.

A week later, he's back

2.5 years later, 2.5 years of lies, deception, abuse, I finally said "enough".

Divorce was final June 2014

Threw him out July 2014.

Haven't seen him since.

He's with another woman; my youngest saw him at the store with her.

He (if he ever did, which I doubt now) could care less if I lived or died.

He has moved on.

He has fabricated in his mind his own reality and his own perception of 'what happened' and NO ONE can tell him any different.

He is a monster.

Yes, it's been 8 months since the divorce and I still have days where it sucks the life out of me to know that I wasted 25 years of my life with an abusive liar that didn't love me.

That sucks.

I pray the Lord gives me 25 more years... .good ones.

I know it hurts. I know... .

But you have dodged a HUGE bullet.

Work on you. Figure out WHY you picked this person, and learn how to spot this (the little red flags) sooner!

Take care... .time does not heal wounds, but time and self healing help forget the pain.

Well said GP. I too struggle with the fact that I wasnt good enough for her. All that I was to her was an Emotional Tampon. That our time together meant nothing to her but to soothe her fractured ego. I am trying to figure it all out. I am getting better at the red flag things though. I cant and wont repeat this disaster ever again.

I can relate. I have not heard from mine at all. We were together almost 9 years and engaged. The email to break it all off was clear. We are done, I want my stuff back etc. mean and cold and to the  point. He proceeded to email me 11 times wanting his ring back.

The pain and the PTSD from his month of projecting his anger and guilt before the b/u was excruciating. For two months I had this pit in my stomach. I was in total shock. How does someone you love and have been with this long just send you an email and it is over. I have not heard a word from him.

I do not know if he has someone now or not. I do know he loves revenge and he probably hopes I still hurt. I never expected I am sorry we couldn't have worked it out or isn't this sad. Nope. Not his style.

I still can't believe it some days. He is gone. He was just pretending and using me for almost 9 years. Oh, to top it off he said he needed to date because he hadn't in all these years. Amazing how he thinks, I will get engaged, start devaluating her, cut her off sexually, cut out all intimacy, lie to her, make her squirm and be on edge and uncomfortable, then I will rage at her when I am alone with her. That will do the trick. Sick, and I miss what?

I love how they twist things and carefully orchestrate it so that it looks like it's OUR fault... .

How those on the outside say "well, ya know, she ______" when they don't see the abuse that happens behind closed doors.

I simply don't give a rats a double s what anyone thinks.

I and my children know truth.

We lived it.

Married 25 years.

3 kids, beautiful home, 2 dogs.

Hopes, dreams, plans for the future.

Then I find out he's 8 months deep into an affair.

Throw him out.

A week later, he's back

2.5 years later, 2.5 years of lies, deception, abuse, I finally said "enough".

Divorce was final June 2014

Threw him out July 2014.


Our marriages almost mirror one another.

Married 22 years

3 children 1 dog

Going to retire in Palm Desert, enjoy grandkids, loved life

He starts acting weird 7 years with a woman from work according to others at his office.

He will not move out.

I buy a condo and move down the street.

Women starts coming to my home behind my back (no boundaries).

My attorney says move back in. I do.

Ugly divorce. Final Sept. 30, 2006.

Kids a mess as they love both of us and felt displaced.

Dad gone. Moves in with affair woman and then buys big home and marries her.

I am lonely, stunned all of this has gone on and I was too busy working and taking care of my kids to see how odd he had become. I am mad at myself and lonely.

I get on the internet and I meet this great night in shining armor. Welcome my BPD.


Haven't seen him since.

He's with another woman; my youngest saw him at the store with her.

He (if he ever did, which I doubt now) could care less if I lived or died.

He has moved on.

He has fabricated in his mind his own reality and his own perception of 'what happened' and NO ONE can tell him any different.

He is a monster.

Yes, it's been 8 months since the divorce and I still have days where it sucks the life out of me to know that I wasted 25 years of my life with an abusive liar that didn't love me.

That sucks.

I pray the Lord gives me 25 more years... .good ones.

I know it hurts. I know... .

But you have dodged a HUGE bullet.

Work on you. Figure out WHY you picked this person, and learn how to spot this (the little red flags) sooner!

Take care... .time does not heal wounds, but time and self healing help forget the pain.[/quote]

Yes... .they are masters of being ruthlessly abusive , but can easily manipulate others to think that they would never act that way. It's a wonderful skill set for them and serves them quite well in their twisted little world.

Exactly!

So true. I wouldn't call it a wonderful skill set, but destructive!

Of course, I was being sarcastic. Can't help it when I think of some of the emotionally cruel things that she AND her new supply did, if I accidentally ran into them when no one was there to see. They had a preplanned script that they would act out. Something that they had discussed in advance? I would tell people and I could tell that they doubted me and thought that I may have gotten it wrong as she had everyone, including me, fooled as to who she ACTUALLY a was.  It was real 7-grade stuff and I just wondered is the new supply mentally ill too or did she just manipulate him in such a way (telling lies or fabricating stories about me?), that he enjoyed being along for the ride of her cruelties?  I can tell you one thing, that that certainly was not the person that I had lived with for 5 years... .it was definitely someone else... .

Author of this thread had last comments on this board in 2017. It had been 5 years and still nothing for him. So, either theres some recycling going on now   or BPD-s do really disappear.

Personally, I dont think myself that there could be any big ties left after so many years. Usually. There are some situations where its possible (i have read some threads here where i believe theres something left), but most cases, and i mean most cases, theres nothing left anymore. Maybe you get some "hi, hows it going" when youre 80, but does it matter then?

That topic is good and it has clear sign - we need to move on, no matter how hard it is.

I can assure that it is possible, if we only keep our own promises. There are different methods for healing. You can visit therapist, talk to your friends/family etc. But they cant help you, if you dont want to help yourself.
It is possible to heal even just reading this board and other materials from Internet. Thats what i have done. So, everything is possible - you just have to believe.
Give yourself promises. These can be little ones at first. Step by step.

8

We have had some members recycling for over a decade, after other relationships, in one case that I remember, a marriage.

If a relationship fails badly, its important to process it, learn, and let it go.

Agree.

The only sense I've found out of dating then having a break up with a BPD is that it makes no sense.

Hard to take, yes, but these are not the people you hold hands with and sit down on the couch and work everything out with.

It's just not in their DNA.