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and still blaming myself for her leaving. I still also question my sanity constantly and I try to convince myself that my ex definitely had BPD and that it wasn't me. Sometimes I think that she is the normal one and I'm the crazy one. Somehow my mind puts aside the fact that she suffered severe sexual abuse when she was a child, the fact that her parents were separated and at least one of them had BPD while both struggled with alcohol addictions, neither of her parents were great support systems and at times she had to look after them. I look past all this and say to myself that she was normal and I screwed up. The fact that she used to cut herself and at one time she was in a facility for mentally troubled teens seems to mean nothing to me and I still claim I'm the screwed up one who caused her to leave.

But in the rare occasions when I'm feeling good about myself, I think about all the red flags and for a brief moment I believe that she was the ill one with serious issues and her leaving is a blessing in disguise. After all, there were so many red flags. Besides the above, I can't forget the fact that she was so black and white sometimes. Sometimes in her eyes I was adored and respected and she treated me kindly, but then other times I didn't live up to what she wanted and therefore I was a piece of crap. I think about all the times she made any shred of confidence I had disappear completely.

I remember all the times when she would get angry with me but her anger in my eyes was just blown out of proportion and nothing I said to her mattered. No matter how many times I tried to tell her I was sorry or that I loved her it didn't matter to her. How frustrating is it for someone to not believe you when you tell them your true feelings?

I still blame myself because the lie I told was the last straw and she left. I lied to her when she asked me if I had had intimate relations with anyone during our brief breakup period. When I finally told her the truth that I had, she wrote me off like that...claimed I was the devil incarnate and that I violated her body and that she wanted me out of her life for good...until months later when she started contact me again...

And I am to blame to because I fall for it every time and every time she tried to contact me after she left I pleased her by responding and I even went to visit her which was a disaster in which she wrote me off within hours of me flying halfway around the world to see her.

So here I am, she left over 2 years ago. Our last contact was 6 months ago in which she wrote an email claiming she was sorry for what happened when I visited her and about how no one will ever live up to me and how I treated her. Over 2 years and I feel like I'm stuck and will never truly move on. I think about her constantly, even though if you examine it more closely its obvious she is ill. Yet somehow I keep telling myself that she isn't and that it's all my fault.

Sorry for rambling on but I guess my main question is...How do I stop blaming myself for her leaving?

I know exactly how you feel dude. I blame myself incessantly for my ex leaving me. It just sucks, because she never told me why exactly she was leaving and my good friend wrote her an e-mail asking her if I should just move on, and she never responded.  I miss her terribly, and even though she would anger me alot, I still do. I have nightmares all the time about her, and I am scared that since I never got any real closure about anything that she could pop back into my life at any given moment.  There are days when I feel as if the relationship ended, because I never told my mom about her, but there was a big reason as to why I never told my mom. It was because after our second breakup, she allowed her parents to believe that I threw her down a flight of stairs instead of admitting that she did the self harm to herself, so that she wouldn't get kicked out of her house or should I say her grandmother's house.  It is also tough, because she did this whole disappearing act the day before my late grandmother was to be cremated.  I have my moments during the day when I am okay, and then the next I just want to bang my head against the wall.  If you ever want to chat bro, just e-mail me and I will be glad to chat with you..

:'(

Megatron   ,

You have been emotionally abused.  This is regardless of whether or not your ex had BPD.

Being abused may be hard to accept, but abuse occurs in many ways.  Even though emotional abuse isn't visible like the bruises of physical abuse, it hurts just as much.  Her anger was abusive.  Her black/white thinking and treatment of you was abusive.  She abused you emotionally.

We lie to our ex's to avoid the anger and it wasn't the reason or "last straw" that she left.  It is not your fault that she left...the ending to your story was written long ago and before she even met you.  It's unavoidable.  It's inevitable.  She left because she has many characteristics of BPD (regarless of a formal diagnosis) and BPD is an attachment disorder which prevents those suffering from sustaining any lasting relationship with you or anyone.  She projected blame onto you because it was easier for her to walk if it was "your fault" because taking personal responsibility for their actions isn't an option for those with BPD.  

I don't want to talk about her anymore though.  I want to talk about you.  You asked how "do I stop blaming myself for her leaving?" and this is a really good question.  You need to forgive yourself for all the behaviors and words you regret doing and saying.  We are human and, by definition, not perfect.  We make mistakes and do things we regret.  Nothing you could have possibly said or done would have changed the outcome in any way.  But you need to forgive yourself before the shame and guilt will go away.  You don't deserve to carry the shame and guilt any longer.  Let it go.  Forgive yourself for being human, for loving someone who could never love you back.

Peace to you Megatron    you are not alone.  You are not to blame.  You deserve to love and be loved.  Forgive yourself.  Forgive her.  Be free.

If I had to rephrase - would it be appropriate to say you are wondering how to forgive yourself for being human?

Megatron-

It was really sad for me reading your message. I've been through very similar emotions so I sympathise. 

You sound like you're a giving person and that's wonderful. This is probably the reason your exgf stayed with you also. You tried so hard to fulfil her needs and from what I've come to know from pwBPDs they love to have control and have their needs met. The only thing is, Megatron is it sounds like you have given up so much of yourself for her and it was not enough. And it will never be enough for her. Not from anyone. I guarantee this.

The giving part is hard because when she leaves she leaves you with very little of yourself and you try to hold on to that self she took away. You've investment in what you believed is a hopeful partnership.

It's clear you have done so much for this relationship and it shows from your writing. You are very human and a gentle person. You should be proud that you have courage to be giving and trusting. That you will go the extra mile for what you believe in. You have a big heart and are very human. Be proud of everything you have done and tried and ask yourself what she has contributed. My guess is very little and she wanted so much. If you hadn't mentioned you were intimate when you were apart it would have been something else. They will use every excuse to get out of it. It wasn't the one thing to break it. It wasn't even about you. It's something else. She doesn't know what it is but she will use any reason to sabotage.

Like SB said, you are being very human. The outcome would have been the same regardless of what you did. You can't do the work for both of you and you can't live her life. Give yourself a break, be proud of the strength you have to give (not all are capable of this) and know the outcome would have been the same. You deserve someone who will give back. It will take some time but this is what I realized much later I ultimately wanted from my exBPD though I never asked her for anything in return for my love.

I could use some support today. Feeling upset again. My ex emailed me last night. I had not heard from her since she last emailed me 7 months ago. It seems like every 6 months or so she makes contact and every time all it does for me is cause me pain. A year ago it led to me replying and then next thing you know I'm flying halfway around the world to see her only for her pretty much reject me after I get there. The last time she emailed me her "apology" for what she did to me when I went to see her, I responded again and we exchanged a few emails back and forth and then that was it, and I felt sad and felt like I had taken a bunch of steps in the wrong direction.

Her email yesterday was brief and just said that that she was thinking about me and hoping my family and I are doing well. It was strange because I was thinking about her all day yesterday as well. Of course I read into things too much. I'm really tempted to respond, even though the odds of it being a good outcome for me are slim. I guess I'm just coming on here looking for some encouragement to stay the course and remain no contact with her because it seems that is the only way I seem to improve. Even though I feel setback just receiving and email from her, I'm pretty sure that responding would only make matters worse. Any words of encouragement today would be greatly appreciated.

"Her email yesterday was brief and just said that that she was thinking about me (no she wasnt) and hoping my family and I are doing well (no she isnt).  It was strange because I was thinking about her all day yesterday as well. Of course I read into things too much. I'm really tempted to respond (do not),  even though the odds of it being a good outcome for me are slim (anorexic).  I guess I'm just coming on here looking for some encouragement to stay the course and remain no contact ( thats more like it) with her because it seems that is the only way I seem to improve. Even though I feel setback just receiving and email from her,( direct all her mails to JUNK - you do have the power) I'm pretty sure that responding would only make matters worse. Any words of encouragement today would be greatly appreciated"

Hi moving1, I understand what you are going trough.

Sometimes drastic measures need to be taken to protect your sanity. Block her emails, delete your account if you have to!

Think of it this way, how far are you willing to go to protect yourself from harm? If someone was pointing a gun at you I'm sure you would run as fast as you can. It's the same, she has her gun pointing at your mind, run run run !

Stay strong !

Hi patman - sorry I didnt make it very clear - i copied Megatron's post & inserted in red what i thought ! :)

Thanks guys. Moving1, are you saying that she really wasn't thinking about me and doesn't really hope I'm doing well? I know BPDs are awful but I always thought my ex was capable of showing some kindness and thoughtfulness on occasion. Why would she email me if she hadn't even been thinking of me at all?

No, its not blunt, don't apologize. I guess I just have to face the fact that she really doesn't care about me. If she did, she would have never hurt me the way she did. I'm just a fool for being hung up on her and having these fantasies where one day she will see the light and realize no one treated her as well as I did and that she will come to her senses.

Megatron,

I feel your pain and I know exactly how you are feeling bc I am going through the same exact same thing


It sux...it really does

I do the same thing, Megatron. Same thing. It comes in waves. Anger, Peace, Disbelief, self-blame. Because so much of what they do near the end of the RS makes little to no sense, you are left with the trying to figure out things on your own and making sense of that - and because you are the only one there, you end up taking responsibility and blame for their crap. God, I've done this too. hell, I did it yesterday. It sucks. Must purge the guilt. Keep moving on, forward, above.

Megatron

I know how you feel. Unfortunately, I haven't heard from my ex...You've made the right decision to come here for support though...I wish i could take your pain away, but I know your pain too well and am still going through it I might add...Best wishes my friend

I'm really tempted just to email her back something short, basically saying the same thing she said to me. I won't ask any questions and I won't expect a response back. Is that a bad idea? Even though I should want nothing to do with this person, I can't help but feel guilty ignoring someone I loved for so long (and still love).

I understand completely how you feel my friend. I am in the same boat as you...

Sadly

Let me know how it goes...I hope for nothing but the best for you

You said yourself that NC is the only thing that's been helping you. So why would you break that? I understand the guilt, wanting closure, etc. But this is about you now, as you seem to already know. Keep the focus on that. I'm in a similar situation, it's kind of a pep talk to Myself as well. But you really will gain less by contacting her than you will by leaving it be. Hang in there, don't beat yourself up about it either way, and continue reaching out for help and healing in the most Positive ways you can. Stay NC.

Well I didn't listen to myself or anyone on here and I emailed my ex back. She responded telling me all about her life now and I responded to that and then she responded with this:

"I am trying really hard to be sober and to have a more settled life, but so many people here do drugs and no one really seems to be settling down. I would really like if we could be friends and really just friends, because obviously I am sort of an ass in any other circumstance. But I really do care about you and miss you and your family and I want you to be happy. I am coming home in September it would be nice if we could get lunch or something and just catch up. And I am sorry for my behavior and I wish that there was a way to explain how much of an ass I been towards you in the past, but I really can't. Its funny though because the longer that i am away from the situation the more I realized how nasty I was to you and how sweet you always were and forgiving. I mean you really did not deserve the sht i handed out and I can't belive I even treated someone like that. I think in the end we were really just not a good match. It turned me into a huge btch and you unhappy. But I can't help but still want you in my life beacuse you were my first love and my best friend for so many years, you were my family. I think that was maybe why it was so hard for us to let it go in the end because we were more like family eventhough we both knew we weren't happy. "

Of course now I'm upset, knowing I shouldn't have wrote her. How do I interpret the email? She said we weren't a good match and that the relationship led her to being a btch? So it is my fault then? Because we weren't a "good match" it turned her into a btch? I don't know how to decipher the email and it makes me think she is now a normal person who is sincerely apologizing. It really hurt me for her to say we weren't a good match because I thought we were for the most part. This just all makes me question if she has BPD or not. Maybe she was just acting immature when we were together. I don't know. The saga continues.

Seems clear to me - she's only partially taking responsibility, while partially blaming - she's still sending mixed messages (a BPD trait). She says the relationship (or "it" caused her to be a btch. That gets her off the hook. lame "it." And you two "not being a good match" is downplaying any issues that affected things and is an oversimplification that shows she hasn't worked on herself enough to know her own devastating role in things. She sounds like the same girl to me. This email should actually be helpful - she hasn't changed, and your NC can now continue, if that's what you want.

Also - the friendship she misses is all about wht she GETS from that, not what your needs might be, and what she can offer as a friend. I don't think an untreated BPD that blames "it" for her btchiness and the lack of you being a "match" for things not working out will make a good friend, do you?

also - TRYING TO BE SOBER? WTH? and blaming that everyone else isn't so she should either. ALL BLAME. So if everyone is killing people, I should blame them and start killing people as well?

She's full of sht, and not taking responsibility, and being vague, and trying to come out without blame. And guess who gets to be the same - HER

Megatron,

I know how you feel my friend. Last night, I wrote my ex's former friend(I don't know if they ever repaired their damaged friendship or not) last night a long e-mail clearing my name in that I never threw her down a flight of stairs. Today, I checked my mail and for some reason now I am getting my ex's mother's mail here.I wrote the postmaster telling them numerous times that no such a person with any of that last name of hers lives here, and yet they still send the mail here. I know how tough it is, I am struggling myself and I will continue to struggle for a long time. I can just tell you to do what you think is going to make you happy. I can't tell you what that is, because I sure as anything can't tell myself what will make me happy, but I can tell you to do what you think is best for you..

best wishes

Thanks guys. It is really a blessing to be able to come on here and get good insight from everyone. It makes me feel better to see that she most likely hasn't changed. A lot of her email doesn't even make sense to me. How could "it" aka our relationship have turned her into a btch when she herself even said I was so good and sweet to her? How does kindness and sweetness cause someone to become a btch and all of a sudden not a good match? You are right she definitely seems to be oversimplifying the causes of the end of our relationship.

And I think she is somewhat delusional because she left me the final time because I lied to her and then admitted I hooked up with someone when we were broken up one time. She wanted me out of her life right then and there. Now it's "We weren't a good match", "We both knew we were unhappy", "We were really like family". I guess she has the official final say on what caused her leaving. what the heck? Now she wants friendship and "can't help but want me in her life" because I was her "first love" and I was her "best friend for so many years" Hmm. I guess that means I am now her ex-best friend? So  I've been downgraded obviously again to just a regular friend?

She also says that she is obviously an ass in to me in any other situation than friendship. Does that make any sense at all? So when she invited me to come visit her as a friend and she sht all over me when I got there, that's a different situation somehow? Huh? That was supposed to be a "friendship" situation was it not? If I meet her for lunch like she claims she wants to do, will she treat me the same way as she did when I saw her the last time as a "friend"


I am totally confused by this person but I know I play a huge part by constantly breaking no contact.  So blame me too but is my ex making any sense to anyone in her email? I know I shouldn't rely on it, but I find solace in others commenting and saying my ex is a loon or full of it, stuff like that. I am constantly seeking confirmation that she has some sort of disorder and that it's not my fault. Thanks again everyone for your kind words and support.

I'd say stay NC for your own sake. She sounds like she goes from one extreme to another, changes her mind too much, and lays the blame on you. Although I have to say, your ex did admit she was at least part of the problem. Mine NEVER did that.

When my ex left, everything she said was wrong with the relationship was said to be My fault, none of hers. She wouldn't stay and work on things, either. Many of the things she said I was now doing wrong, as in your case, used to be things she LOVED about me. She projected her pains and problems out onto me, but by then I saw through that and knew she was just running from herself. It still hurt, the words she used, the ways she twisted the past and truths to fit her reasons for leaving. But that's on her, not me. I just have to get through the healing from it. I know what I did and didn't do inside our relationship. I know I'm not guilty of the crimes she's accusing me of, the ones that ended it between us. It gets confusing at times but I mostly see what's what.

I lost a good friend, too. But did I really? Anyone that acts this way with me in the future won't get very many chances to continue acting that way before I'LL be the one walking away. It sounds like you should just go NC and stay NC.

I know NC is the way to go. I thought that perhaps I could get real closure if I only kept in contact with her. However I feel like after every contact I'm not even a single step closer to getting that closure. I feel like her latest emails didn't provide that closure I want either.

I think this is the no 1 'beginner-mistake', looking for closure with them, I did it too. You're looking for answers as to where did the relationship go wrong, where did I go wrong, etc...

It's crucial to understand that with a BPD the fact that they are in a relationship is what's wrong with it. They can't handle real intimacy, it triggers their darkest childhood fears, trauma's and what not. They just can't seem to comprehend that these are just feelings. At this point reality as WE know it is no longer theirs and their minds will create another reality in which these fears and feelings are justified.

So what kind of meaningful answers can be expected from someone who isn't even sharing your reality? BPD is a serious mental illness and should not be thought of as someone who 'is a bit confused'.

You'll never find closure staying in contact with a pwBPD, the odds are just against it. You're only keeping the wounds open, and allowing other wounds to occur. For both of you. I've tried it too, and there's now a lot of extra healing to be done.

What is it about me that keeps holding on? Why do I keep the contact going? I could easily block her email. I've already blocked her Facebook and I never try to check it anymore. But somehow in the end I always hope I will get contact from her. I can't help but still love this person but its obvious she doesn't feel the same. According to her, we were not a good match. The more I think about it, the more that really hurts for her to say something like that. How can she just say that our relationship is the reason for her becoming a btch? That doesn't seem fair to me. And also, she will never be a good match with anyone will she? It wasn't me and her together that turned her into a btch, it was her in her first ever intimate and committed relationship. Her in an intimate relationship spells disaster, doesn't it?

I had my faults and maybe sometimes I did annoying things or hurt my ex's feelings, but it was never intentional and I was always a loving and forgiving person. I'm still trying to figure out how that kind of behavior contributes to her acting nasty towards me?

My doubts about her having BPD are because she is actually admitting she was cruel to me and saying sorry. Is that something BPDs are even capable of? Admitting their wrongdoing?

She also seems to have a different memory than I do about the ending of the relationship. A week before she ended it she said she wanted to spend her life with me and loved me but according to her we were both unhappy and were just trying to hold and weren't good together because it made us unhappy. That's not how I remember it. I might have been unhappy at times but I truly wanted to put the work in and try to make us work. I did everything I thought I could but it wasn't enough for her in the end.

Sorry I am all over the place. I just feel so confused and I don't know how to deal with the fact that I might never get true closure.

Well put lessonslearned,

Megatron, this is breaking my heart for you, you sound to much like a super good person to be treated like this. Come on man, realize your self worth!

Reading her email gives me the chills, it's like my ex gf wrote it. Excuses excuses excuses, no sincerity at all in her message. Every failure in their lifes was caused by externals sources, never by themselfves. She drink because others drink? what the f$% is this supposed to mean? I've been sobber for a couple of weeks now. Do you think I hang out with my drinking buddies? NO WAY. I'll make sobber friends before doing that.

To change our lifes requires drastic measures. It'd the only way change can be accomplished. Block her messages, delete your account if you have to, but at all cost protect yourself from this abuse, your life is worth so much more. I'm re enforcing myself by saying this to you 

Hang in there and man your post soldier, man your post! 

Megatron,

You are looking for logic and reasons that simply do not exist.  This isn't about you and the sad thing is...it never was.

Your ex has a distorted view of the world, the way things ended with you, her life, you, the cat next door, etc.  I would just stop wondering if she has BPD or not because it just doesn't matter anymore.  She has characteristics of the mental illness and a diagnosis is irrelevant at this point.

You keep holding on because you gave her the power to determine your self worth.  This is dangerous because when we give people the power to make us feel good about ourselves we also give them the power to make us feel bad about ourselves.  It's time to reclaim your power because it was never hers to begin with.

You also still hope she will have a  :light: moment and want you back.  First of all, this isn't going to happen my friend.  She isn't going to wake up one day and be mentally healthy.  Second of all...you are holding on to an illusion of what she is and not who she really is.  Hope isn't always a good thing and it keeps us with these people long after it's mentally healthy for us.

People with BPD may admit their wrongdoings...they may have moments of clarity...but this does not make them sane.  This makes them human and she is human but she is also disordered. Don't read too much into anything she said or says.  Focus instead on what she did/does/will continue to do if you let her.  

What we do is never enough because this isn't about us.  This is about them...their attachment disorder...their arrested emotional development...their core wound of abandonment...their vicious relationship cycles...their quest to find the *perfect one* who will make the pain stop.

Closure is a gift you must give yourself.  No one can give you closure, no one can make you feel better about what has happened to you.  This is your job and while it sucks to have to go it alone...you will regain your power by finding closure and feel better about yourself immediately.  

You will never find the release and comfort you seek from your ex; she is incapable of soothing herself and she will never be able to sooth you either.  She is the catalyst for your pain but she cannot make the pain go away.  The pain is yours to heal so be kind to yourself.  Love the man you are and the man you want to become.  Give yourself everything you wish she would give you.  Take your life back.

The abandonment pain you feel is real.  The suffering is real and I'm so sorry you are going through this because I do know you are devestated.  Please find comfort in knowing you will find the love you seek and so completely deserve.  But not with her.

Peace to you,

tailspin

Thanks for all the good words of wisdom. It's hard letting go, especially when this person insists on being in your life and maintaining contact with you. Now she'd like to meet up when she returns here in a few months. Its like she just makes it up in her mind that because i responded to her emails she just assumes that we can be friends now and everything is normal and our past doesn't matter. It always will to me and this is someone who I could never be just friends with as she so desperately seems to want.

megatron,

In my book you did the right thing as a sane/normal person.

you admitted guilt/fault of what happened during a break up...and sheand used it as leverage against you.

she may have done the very same thing at the same time-but no matter(in her mind)

I still have doubt and mistrust in my H (then UBPD Bf) who said once we had been broken up for 5 months.

that's what he told his kids.

In MY BOOK it was one month!

that's how long he took to toss me out and then recycle me.

So his reality was probably that HE did whatever he wanted for five whole months- while stringing me along for at least 4 of those.

And he will never tell me the truth about what he did while he was seeing me for 4 of those months.

I thought it *odd* that at one point in that time he officially asked me to be his GF again.  ?

I said-I thought I already was! 

I was SO DENSE!

So Megatron-it's NOT YOU. You are good, normal.

it's HER screwed up version of reality. it will never match what's real. what WE see.

GL

I actually think if you re-read her message paying attention to how vague her statements are it might help you. You're filling in the blanks for her. What DOES 'not a good match' mean? I'd be willing to bet she could not provide any real solid answer to that, with concrete examples, because that's only as far as she thought about that statement. There's likely nothing behind any of her conclusions, they are shallow excuses that are good enough for her, but not you, because you actually rationalize things based on information not just assume based on feelings.

In fact, much like a 'psychic reader' can hit on personal information by using generalities to get feedback from the subject & zeroing in on it, by the very virtue of you looking for answers in her statements you are giving her weak rationales substance where there is none. Make sense?

This has been the hardest thing for me to understand in retrospect about my own relationship--I was reading into his vague assertions as though they actually carried weight! I finally realized what was going on, and when he dropped me on my head with the lame excuse of 'growing in different ways' (an inapplicable statement in SO many ways, but ignoring that fact) the only thing I decided to do to in response to the entire dumping was ask him to define that one concept. I knew if my theory about him was correct he would not be able to flesh out 'growing in different ways' with any specific information, and he of course could not even begin to. It was an empty string of words that sounded good to him.

Absolutely no substance with these people, it's us providing it and getting duped by our own reflection.

What confuses me is how she remembers the end of the relationship and how I remember it are completely different.

How she remembers: Our relationship just casually ended because we were both unhappy and the relationship was making her a btch and we weren't a "good match".

How I remember: A week before she left me and moved far away, we were planning on getting back together after we had been broken up for 8 months and she told me she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me. A week later after she kept prying and I finally told her about something I did during our breakup, that was it, she said she wanted me out of her life and that I was the devil.

How I remember is what truly happened. But it seems like my ex completely ignores facts that actually happened and creates her own version of events. Yes, there were times when we were unhappy, but I wanted to work through it. I didn't want to give up on the relationship. I thought we were a "good match" when we really tried hard to make it work. She didn't want to put in too much effort. She almost seems to convey that the end of our relationship was a mutual thing. What the hell?

Why exactly do BPDs have a distorted view on things that happened in their life? My ex suffered terrible abuse as a child and overall had a chaotic childhood and her mom had BPD and father was a drug addict and she never really had a stable upbringing. I wanted her to know that she deserved love, but it wasn't good enough I guess, but what makes them completely change the facts of what happened? Why do the seem to forget things? I remember my ex told me when I flew out to see her last year that she forgot so much about our relationship. Why does she suppress memories and thoughts of significant "bad" experiences in her life?

It really helps posting on here because the more I do, and the more feedback I get, the more I realize I deserve way better and that this person is toxic for me.

Perhaps part of the blame game you are a lil stuck in is maybe you being a little neurotic (part and parcel after those r/s though).

Also, did you know that when we overly blame ourselves or overly take responsibility for things it's bc if we can see ourselves as being at fault/to blame- then on some level we see 'it' as we can still change the situation, if it was our responsibility then it is in our control to change how we feel about it see it all or even change future behaviours. Interesting huh.

So, just accept what is yours and accept what is hers what she has and what is. You are the one and only in control of your future situation, stop internalising the feeling of all to blame and  you wont feel so inclined to take her calls/texts...maybe.

The last questions you were asking...all defence mechanism stuff.

I really want to stop being hung up on the past with my ex. I just worry that I'll be alone forever. It's been almost three years since she left me and yet I am still in contact with her. I haven't been in any other relationship since then because I am scared about that. I've dated here and there but usually it never works out because I don't let it. I've probably passed up on some girls that I could have had a nice relationship with had I been completely over the past. The situation with my ex also did a number on my self-esteem, so I tend to walk around thinking I am not good enough for someone to want to be with me and love me. So I guess I do have a lot of work. I'm seeing a therapist and his goals for me are for me to learn to accept and love myself and then after that to find a happy and healthy relationship. I guess I need to accomplish the first one before I can even consider the second. It's just really hard getting your confidence back and being able to respect yourself after a relationship like I had with my ex.

Don't worry megatron I'm exactly in the same boat. I'm shy by nature and my self esteem equals that of a carton box.

Work on yourself and your self esteem. Personally I've started weight lifting after years of not doing it. It's boosting my confidence slowlly as I grow bigger.

Maybe I'll get as big as megatron.  :)

Your a good man don't forget that. You can choose not to be the door mat.  |iiii

I'm hung up too. I'm 20 months out. I think the biggest problem is simply finding closure. Going through something traumatic and abusive, that takes longer than a so-called normal relationship where two adults mutually or one of them decides it's not going to work. My ex-ex and I - well that was sad when we parted, but there was nothing damaging about it. My experience with my ex was damaging.

Closure is the root of close, so in other words, we have not been able/willing to close the book on this chapter in our lives and move on. I'm torn on whether or not I should continue posting at bpdfamily. In many ways it is soothing to come here and be among people who have had the same experience as me, read other members write things that I have thought and felt. But I wonder if by continuing to come here I am putting this front and center in my life and not letting it recede into the background.

I do think that when you've been through something traumatic, it takes awhile to come to terms with and overcome. Maybe our pain is simply that we are in touch with our feelings and unlike them, we can't repress, deny and ignore. Maybe the pain is that we choose to face it head on.

GP44, you are bang on with "Maybe the pain is that we choose to face it head on"

We do need to face this head on cause we need to find why we attracked them, took the abuse, and sometimes want to go back for more.

Personally I don't want to just forget this and put in my subconscience. I want to process it and be able to explain it to myself in front the mirror  lol

An AVOID this in the future

From reading her response, She sounds very Borderline to me, classic. I do not think pwBPD are evil or don't have feelings of remorse or genuine caring, they do but it's changeable and fleeting and so it doesn't matter because it never changes anything for the better long term, it won't inform their future behavior at all,  they still act borderline, they are a relationship trainwreck waiting to happen. They can be talented in other areas but in relationship they suck. Of course a good relationship would trigger her and cause her to be a btch or act like an ass, intimacy triggers the symptoms of BPD. You have nothing to do with that.  She is telling you she is unstable, and if you get even a little close to her she will repeat the same pattern again cause she is borderline. She may feel sincerely bad about it but that doesn't stop the symptoms, get close and she will do it again. This is BPD. It sucks! As for how she remembers things like the end of the break up, how it's so different from your memory of what happened, this is BPD, too, I've seen this so many times with my ex that I know he does not retain emotional memory like a normal person does, I am convinced it's not contrived either, he does not store emotional memories or connect the dots the way a regular person does. It will drive you crazy unless you really get it, that they do not process experiences the way we do. It is different for them. It makes being with them crazy-making unless you really get it that they are inherently different. she is borderline. Accept it. She is relationship challenged and intimacy challenged.

Megatron I hear you and understand your fears of being alone. Fears can tend to be irrational though and it is best to beat them down with rationality. So I will try and beat yours down with...you sound like a great guy with a lot to offer...like you said you met a few girls but you weren't completely interested... which is perhaps likely bc of the maintained contact with ex. No chic/lady is going to have a chance in your heart/mind while you're still maintaining contact with ex.

Ever heard of Stockholm syndrome?

The sooner you break away as complete NC, you will be stepping up your chances to not being alone, even though you will feel alone I'm sure. Sometimes, we have to be brave enough to cut free from what we love/hurt, to be alone completely alone, and understand ourselves before we can find another we fit with healthily.

No one is alone forever, not even you in your worst fears :)

I have been out of mine for over a year and NC for 7 months-so early ish days in comparison to your 3 years.

However, I have had a 2 year break from him at one point where we maintained contact, I, like you, was hoping that in doing so would help me break free. It doesn't work that way. I was still drawn in and drawing him in. This time round is the longest I have ever been NC and I tell ya Megatron, it really sends you such a  message of respect, and the feeling of pride knowing that you can do it is great. You can do it  :)

And if it makes you feel better, I have only dated one guy very briefly in the last year over a 4 week period and shut down on him. So I knew I still needed time to work on me, which is a good thing, it doesn't mean I will be alone forever or that I wont meet anyone, it just means me time for now.

I understand how hard it is to regain selfrespect and self love after these r/s. I really do. mine was a 9 year roller-coaster, besides losing repect for him I lost it also for myself and felt very low. I almost found it easier to forgive him than me, as I should have known better is what I kept getting stuck on.

Which ties into this, forgiveness of myself for choosing the traumatic chaotic dramatic mess of a r/s. That was one of the hardest points in this journey of recovery from my ex.  Forgiveness comes though with acceptance and reminding yourself that you are worthy and lovable.

And you know what Megatron, you always have the now, and someone wise said, there is no better time to start than the now.

We can beat ourselves up for, where we could be, should be, or wish we were. Yet, we can still take that little step and make the start now. There is always the start to start at and it is never too late (for your healing).


All the best with your journey to freedom and in your therapy Megatron...some lovely lady will come into your life when you are ready and at peace within yourself.

Send yourself a lot of love and direct all your energy into you.

You know you deserve it and need it.


 

maybeso and daydreambeliever, your last posts really struck a chord with me. They were the last little push I needed to get moving forward. And thank you to everyone who has contributed nothing but kind and encouraging words for me to remember. I really appreciate it. I know what must be done, I just have to do it. I need to be good to myself and not beat myself up so much over what happened in the past. I put a lot of work and effort into other aspects of my life, so why can't I put the same amount of effort into learning how to respect myself and appreciate who I am and what I have to offer? It won't be easy but I know when I'm feeling down I always have this board to come to for encouragement. This message board has truly been a Godsend for me.

Yay  that is awesome :) You are the key to your freedom from this current situation, and you are the lock, she isn't either. You can free yourself without her and regardless of any closure or lack of from her. It's all in you my friend...you can unlock yourself from this hurt.

When you think about it, the one person in our lives who we are gonna spend the most time with is...US...so it makes sense to give ourselves love and make peace and forgiveness etc invest in us so we can enjoy being us and being by ourselves for a little while.  Turn that fix it energy onto ourselves.

Stay strong and put yourself first  :)

I would highly suggest to take some advice from the professionals. Find an ebook written by doctors and implement it. If you dont know where to start you can check out this website: www.low-selfesteem.com/

Hope I helped. Good luck!

Hi everyone. I just wanted to give an update on how my life has been going. I've been really down lately and its due to things that don't directly involve my ex. I've been trying to date and meet women. I figure its been 3 years since I have had a romantic relationship with anyone. I went on two dates with this girl and I thought the dates went extremely well but then she disappeared and I haven't heard from her in weeks. Another girl I asked out that I have actually known for a while and she just told me she didn't want to date right now and just wanted to be single. This was a girl I had feelings for too. I just feel so rejected. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I think about how my ex rejected me, then these girls, and then I just think that I am damaged and that I'll never be able to be in a healthy romantic relationship with anyone. That no one will consider me worthy. I fear I will never fall in love with someone again, that I'll never have a family, and that I will die alone.

I really hate dating and trying to meet women. I just feel so uncomfortable and I think how comfortable I felt around my ex. I just get really depressed. I'm only 28 years old but pretty much all my friends are either married or have girlfriends. Here I am still alone. I still think about my ex too and I just don't know how to move past it completely. I guess I am just hurting and wanted to share my feelings with this board that has made me feel so much better in the past.

Megatron, check out my post "someone please remind me" if you are interested in my story because I have been where you are.  The lowest of lows when my x and I broke up. 

Directly after the breakup, I refused to let go.  This went on for approximately 5 months.  I would get an occasional email, or I would see her out, or whatever and I just allowed my self to wait around hoping that one day she would return.  During this time, I was miserable and wallowed in my own depression.

I want you to know that the ONLY thing that got me out of this hole was NO CONTACT.  Healing has to occur first before you can start dating.  You are likely feeling needy and depressed right now and this is simply not attractive to ANYONE let alone women.

Know, however, that it WILL pass.  You MUST make the conscious decision to LET HER GO.  FOREVER.  You will get better.  I have been there.  Many of us have.  Commit to NO CONTACT. NONE. ZERO, ZILCH, NADA, NOTHING NO MATTER WHAT.  Dedicate your life to Yourself and you will heal, slowly, but you will heal.  You will have bad days, you will have good days, it will be difficult, but it will slowly get better.  First things first, GIVE UP THE DREAM. and COMMIT to moving on.  Otherwise, you may end up wasting another 3 years of your life...and remember YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE

megatron, i can totally relate to your postings. You sound like a caring warm hearted, considerate guy. Your Gf sounds very much to have many of the BPD traits. When i hear what you write i see alot of myself in you. As ive bent over backwards for my gfwBPD, and nothing is ever enough or right, always a no win and never her fault. I was, and sometimes still, blame myself, for her leaving. But then it seems to atleast for awhile ease the pain, when i start to read the posts from the supportive people and tools on here, again.

  Dont worry you will find someone who will love you, for you.  I know you want to test the waters, and see what the response may be from women, but this is not a good gauge of that right now, as its very early in the healing process. I know its been 3 years, but only recently have you begun to focus on loving yourself, and you are so worth it. Dont let one little set back, right out of the gate, deter you from your healing process. Believe me, you will be so much better off healing yourself, and becoming aware of all the red flags and ur own part in the BPD relationship, than repeating this again, cause ur in a hurry to get into a relationship and dont want to be alone.  Im slowly going thru it myself and have good and bad days yet.

  Today actually wasnt such a good day, thats why i thought id post. Then i saw your postings, and i sure can empathize/relate. Ive been feeling just kind of numb and in shock these last few days. Its so hard sometimes to view this as a disease, although when i do, it does help to put things in perspective again. I still get in the mindset sometimes yet, where i not only blame myself, but i still feel shocked that she can cut off/compartmentalize her feelings for me, in a matter of days/hours. Im not sure if she just stowed them someplace, or if she painted me black, as there was no fight that led up to our separation, and right beforehand, we had big plans for me to move in with her and get a house together etc etc.

   Thats the thing thats hardest for me, is that she can just cut things off out of the blue, and that she can chop off any feelings for me too just as quick, as tho they/I, never existed-even tho the nite before the NC started, she said how much she loved me. Doesnt make sense. She has never made any complaints or communicated to me, that anything was wrong, just that she needed a little space. I have a hard time wrapping my head around how they can do that (cut everything off so abruptly)? and the reasons why?

   Anyway, I do have proof that she has been looking, and/or has a replacement for me, even though she denies this. Although, i think shes keeping things on the low down, in case she wants to try to come back. So ive been working hard on just trying to detach from her and focus more on myself. Its the only thing that keeps me moving forward a bit. I dont want her back, unless shes in treatment, and can atleast start to recognize her illness. I am trying to gain the strength here, so if she comes back and shes not in treatment, i can say no and put up a boundary.

   I can see your are making progress, its two steps forward and one step back alot of days, but be patient and compassionate with yourself, and thanks for sharing your post. Helps to know someone else understands this slow and sometime painful journey. Im sure at the end there will be alot of personal growth and it will be so worthwhile. Hang in there.