BPDFamily.com

 :sign_attn: Choose your reading material carefully and keep it in perspective - and that usually means reading about the authors background.
 
There have many articles from professionals in the field that summarize their experiences with patients.  There are researchers that provide statistics measured under controlled situations. There are opinion leaders - experts in the field that summarize the state of the art.  Altogether, these tend to be very reliable sources. They are peer reviewed and approved to meet standard of profession before publication.  This is really where we want to get our knowledge foundation.

• NEA-BPD is an organization of the world leaders in this disorder.  They have an excellent and free video library (http://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.com/videos-by-topic.shtml).  This is the probably the most reliable site on the Internet about the disorder.

• Robert Friedel, MD puts together an excellent reference explaining the disorder in very clear terms - Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/borderline-personality-disorder-demystified) Everyone who is interfacing with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder should have this book.  The website is very helpful.

• Xavier Amador PhD writes about his lifes work and his real experience supporting a brother with a PD.  His work and book (and lecture video) (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy).  There is no better resource for understanding the thinking of a person with a mental illness and the issues associated with getting someone into treatment

• Alan Fruzetti, PhD. has put together a very straight forward, no-nonsense book  (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/high-conflict-couple)that couples can read and use together to improve their relationship.  He never mentions BPD in the book - although that is his specialty.

• Randi Kreger is a writer and web page operator who was one of the first self help books in the field.  Her fist book with Paul Mason, MS is probably the best known book for the public. Randi interviews experts, nons, pwBPD, reads articles pulls together a compilation of all these sources.    In my opinion, her second book is better (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/essential-family-guide-borderline-personality-disorder) - it hits all the important points.  Her book is very well researched - its not her opinions - and she has a publisher that has very rigorous standards and it shows.

• BPDResources on the Net  10 best websites for borderline personality is a responsible advocacy promoting factual and practical information for patients and family members dealing with borderline personality disorder. This website is an independent project of responsible consumers providing a venue and facilitating intelligent public discussion on Internet websites serving families. More  > here (http://www.bpdresources.net/)

• Personal experience / opinion writing  There is personal experience and opinion writing. This includes published authors (their work is reviewed by the publisher and edited by an editor and the need to submit to certain standards of documentation.  This includes unpublished/self published authors that have no second party looking at the work.  And there are the website authors and bloggers that are mostly POV (point of view) editorials.  These resources can be hit or miss - and even with an authors the work can vary.  It's really important to think about the mindset of the writer when reading their work and suggestions.
   
  
  • Bon Dobbs (not his real name) is a POV writer - his wife has BPD and they have a long working relationship.  :)obbs is self published, he has an active blog. He says much less on the website as compared to the inoformation that appears in his book -  possibly to not interfere with book sales.  In my opinion, he is a "non" that gets it, lives it, and has very down to earth examples.  His book is a "how to" with very earthy straight forward examples.  He has a telephone call dialogue in the book that is a great example of what to do (and not to do).  Some people have said they don't like his highly opinionated style - and some may not - but this is good (and quick) read about nbuts and bolts examples for someone living in a BPD relationship.  His work would benefit from a publisher and proofreader.

I have been reading Randi Kreger's new book of The essential family guide to BPD. It's an excellent book.

One of the points that stuck in my mind "It takes only one person to fundamentally change a relationship."

This is so true, by the way I look at things now with not engaging, validating and keeping true to my  our relationship has changed... .because I have changed the way I interact... .and he is changing because of it.

My dh is uBPD, high functioning.  We have The High Conflict Couple by Alan Fruzzetti PhD and it seems to be good.  I read it all and he and I sometimes work through it.  It doesn't mention BPD at all, and has really good exercises that help both of us.  When he is in a cycle that he wants to work on our relationship, the book is good.  When he cycles the other way and the problem is only me, he doesn't want to mess with the book anymore.

I also have the DBT workbook and it doesn't' mention BPD either.  For someone who wants help, it would be a good one.  It is much more intensive than the couple book.  I read it too, and use some of the tools myself.

I have read  Randi Kregers "The Essential Family Guide to BPD" last fall. I just got the new 2nd edition of Walking on eggshells and it is a great resource - it combines the best of both original books. Below are the books recommended by bpdfamily (click to see reviews)

Qcr

(https://bpdfamily.com/book-covers/top-10-books.png) (https://bpdfamily.com/content/book-reviews)

'The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie.

This is a book of gentle grounding meditations and truths presented in 'daily journal' form.   Growing up in a family where sacrifice, duty and obligation are the gauges of a persons worth, it's comforting and validating to read these messages of hope and inspiration and how we can apply them to our relationships and self care.

Exert from the book for today, September 9... .

"To often, we try to gain a clear perspective before it is time. That will make us crazy... .Let it go. We can let go of our need to figure things out, to feel in control. Now is the time to be. To feel.  To go through it. To allow things to happen. To learn. To let whatever is being worked out in us take its course. In hindsight, we will know. It will become clear. For today, being is enough."[/b]

justhere

Check out Xavier Amador' PhD book I Am Not Sick, I Don't Need Help.

Also check out:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy

He deals with this fear head on - heck, he focuses on talking in a validating way with schizophrenics, who believe some really wacky things. There is a way to do it without reinforcing false "facts", but that still lets you connect and build trust.

I just got the Xavier Amador PhD book and am looking forward to reading it.

I just looked Xavier Amador up on You Tube. Fantastic! Will be revisiting his videos there. Thank you very much, Auspicious. I have a lot of learning to do & it will be great to get his help.

Have just ordered a couple of his other books too. Must read that other one.

I have just ordered the book "High Conflict Couple" by Alan Fruzzetti, PhD. It will take a couple of weeks to come.

"When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us - Letting Go of Their Problems, Loving Them Anyway, and Getting on with Our Lives" by Jane Adams, Ph.D.

www.amazon.com/When-Our-Grown-Kids-Disappoint/dp/0743232801/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1297561406&sr=1-1

I usually post on the "Supporting our Children with BPD" board, and there are many of us parents there with adult kids. Learning to accept them as they are, detach as best we can, let them live their own lives and take care of our lives is particularly hard in the parent - child bond. I have read a lot of things, and just picked this book up again and wanted to share it. It is very helpful in encouraging me to forgive myself, let go of the intense guilt and feelings of failure, and stop feeling 'selfish' to focus on surviving in my own life. I supports so many fo the techniques in other books and workshops. I hope it helps others here.

qcr  |iiii xoxo

I think this book is the missing link.  So often you will see folks talking about "positive" and "negative", good or bad, emotions.  Karla suffered sexual abuse as a small child, and it is largely why she credits herself as becoming such an empathic being.  She has learned how to trust the role all our emotions play in our life, and how to honour them.  She talks about the importance of channeling our emotions rather than either expressing or repressing them.

In this book, and some of her audio cd's as well, she helps us understand how to acknowledge the place of all our emotions, including those often classed as negative, like anger, fear or depression.  That repressing them is not going to work in the sense that we will no longer have them, and just be happier.  The role of anger, for instance, is to help us create healthy boundaries.  The role of fear, to keep our instincts honed.  Sadness is designed to help with flow, like letting water wash through a culvert unobstructed.  And that when properly honoured and channeled, we do not repress them, and do not tend to lash out in expressing them inappropriately.

I think "High Conflict Couple" by Alan Fruzzetti, PhDhas a lot of good tools.  I originally bought it thinking it would be a good book to introduce DBT to my BPDw, without using the BPD label.  It would be good for that.  It spells out very clearly in the beginning what healthy conversations are and what they are not.  The high emotional arousal conversations they discuss fit most of our conversations well.  

Having said that, the more I read the book the more I discovered some solid tools that apply to me.  Who knew DBT could be for nons too?

As others have noted, this is a good book to pick up for tools as part of a bigger journey.  I say that because the book is all on positive things you can do to enhance the relationship.  It does not, at all, deal with boundaries, which are usually necessary in our relationships.  Every problem is approached with a positive solution, and many of the illustrations are a bit too ideal to be practical in a BPD relationship.

It is a good book to have as a piece of your learning, but absolutely must be combined with other tools in a BPD relationship.

I have been reading the book "High Conflict Couple" at night to my BPDw, and she and I are both learning how to deal with dysregulated emotions. This is a large format paperback book - recommended by this web site - written by Alan Fruzzetti Ph.D. with a forward by Marsha Linehan, the developer of DBT. Alan conducted the first clinical trials of this therapy at the University of Washington. The book is cheap on Amazon.com

Many years after the development of DBT Alan realized that couples could work together with DBT to both improve their r/s dynamics. Because of the growing stigma of the term BPD, this book for couples was written without even mentioning the term, which helps in my case, because my W adamantly believes she does not have BPD. She was diagnosed with it years ago but her current T says she doesn't think she has it - heaven forbid if she told her she did.

My W knows DBT was developed to treat BPD, but by us reading the book together, each of us trying to understand and apply the concepts - without the label BPD even being mentioned - seems to work, and she enjoys me reading it to her. We love this book so far, and have been able to understand and apply these concepts together without any accusations, blame, or mention of mental illness.

Facing Codependency by Pia Mellody

Not about BPD - but you can apply the principles learned in this and see how the BPD relationship opened up our core wounds to really look inside and heal.

I really like Feeling Good by David Burns. It's not specifically for nonBPDs, but you can think of it within that context.

Attagirl... .yes "Feeling Good" is a good book. It's based on cognitive thinking. I really love to read buddisum material. It helps me to center more and focus. I feel more at peace. This isn't anything that will come overnight for any of us here on these boards but we got to start somewhere. We need to practice, practice and practice.

I am just finishing up Shari Manning's book Loving Someone with BPD.

I like it---she expresses a great understanding and lot of compassion for the struggles pwBP, as wellas a lot of respect for her mentor Marsha Linehan. She provides some DBT strategies for us as well as the partner to use.

She also includes a five-step, clearly explained method for communication with the partner. An area I was surprised about----the "masking" that pwBP use to cover up emotions----I always saw them as being outwardly emotional and histrionic.  I'm glad I'm reading it.

Take care

Shatra

Agreed.  It is a very well written book with lots of compassion.  Highly recommended.

Aury

I too, highly recommend it  |iiii

Margeret Paul, PhD and lnner Bonding

Seems like this is about healing and focusing on yourself, detachment.

Wonder if anyone has any comments positive or negative?

Its a website and a course. She also writes books.

Margaret Paul, PhD is a reputable source and her work appears on this site.  This may be helpful:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=66672.0

mscj

Hi everyone:

My husband and I have been reading Loving Someone with BPD by:  Manning, PHD.  We are going slow, but it has been such a help.  I have to go over and over things sometimes before I get it, once I get it it sticks.  I think we just read chapter 4.  I had an incident last night with my SBPD and remembered  "pause"  and deescalation of emotions.  I could feel my emtions rising and I kept calm,  remembered alot more after the incident, but validated myself for what I did do.

It is hard and complicated, this illness.  I want to scream and choke others at times, lol, but I will keep trying and hanging in there.  Love and support to all of you.  Kelti

It's great that you and your husband are reading this book together.

"Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder" by Shari Manning is our top pick on the  Foundational Reading list. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56210.0)

lbj

Hi Kelti

Good for you and your husband. This book is and should be a slow read. I too had to go back over some stuff, and still refer back to the book for different things. I have a found a few useful books on the subject, so I am glad that you  have too.

I also want to commend you on your ability to pause and deescalate emotions... .this is a difficult thing to do, and you sis it, so good job on that.

I just wanted to tell you to keep up the good work.

Tristee:

Hi thank you and ibj for your support.  Glad we can get support and share here.    Kelti

I've read the High Conflict Couple.   The plus for me was that it didn't mention the dreaded word BPD.  What I was less happy with was the focus.   It seemed to wander in places.

Yeah... .I don't think he is ready to face a "BPD" book. :P Thanks for your imput! I think something straightforward and extremely practical (including exercises, or something) might be better then.

Perhaps something with DBT for anger? I'll do more research and maybe come up with some titles to post here.

There are a lot of resources on youtube for DBT and related stuff.

Maybe have a peek over there? I spent some time there. You can also find free DBT workbooks online. I am not sure that they are the full "official" workbook, but they have a lot of things that help with practice of mindfulness and so on.

Ah good idea, Daniell85! Thanks for the suggestions. I will look on youtube and see what I can find for DBT anger workbooks online.

I guess this is the classic paperback DBT anger workbook: www.amazon.ca/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook/dp/1626250219

And this is one, with a self-compassion perspective, looks good as well: www.amazon.com/Compassionate-Mind-Guide-Managing-Anger-Compassion-Focused/dp/1608820378