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I think I'm going to write on how I feel each day and keep a log here to record the progress that I'm making.



Day one

I got out and I was very sad, I cried and grieved. But I know I did the right thing for me and for my family.

Day two

I went to move my stuff. With the helps from friends and family. The fight he started at the end, I understood where he was coming from. Somewhat I think he still thinks I will go back to him until he saw I took everything(he had nothing when I started dating him. Spent all the money on marijuana. My family bought all the furnitures. ) He was so angry that I took everything away from him including our dog (I bought her. And I was the caretaker, but the dog does love him more). I felt very guilty for doing it. But who will feel guilty for making me feel so powerless and shuttered? I know he doesn't. I know I did the right thing for myself.


Day Three

just started. My dog woke me up, and I got up. First thing I did - I came here to check if there is any new reply to my thread. I desperately needed help. I need somebody to talk to. I need another person to know about how painful I'm feeling right now. I feel the world is falling down on me. I'm just so depress. I started blaming myself again. It was me who didn't do enough, it was my fault. I'm feeling so helpless. I wished I had the strength to do it. I wished I was mentally prepared for this breakup. It happened just so so soon, I didn't expect it at all. On the back of my head might have prepared for this a long time ago. My logically mind kept telling me not to ignore the red flags anymore... .

Life is a lot easier without him. Why do I even miss him? I wanted him but not the him with BPD. I still refused to wake up from this long long nightmare. There is nothing I could do about it. I don't know how to love myself. I don't know how to love. I'm now left in a deep dark place where no one could come in to rescue me, unless I can do it on my own. I'm so weak, I'm so scared. I start crying again... .what hurts the most are not the name callings, breaking ___; they are the broken dream and promises. It will never happen with him. Not him. Forget about him. Think he's dead. Yes I should think he's dead and I'm just grieving for a loved one who no longer existed in the world I live.

Meg... .I arrived here a broken mess... .my thoughts were racing, i felt like I could never recover from such pain and all I wanted was for my ex to "realise" what she had done.

With the support of people here, my family (to a certain extent as they couldn't really understand), medication and a great therapist I slowly, very slowly emerged from my darkest days.

The pain of these relationships can feel unberable at times, I truly know that.  And yet we do bear it with the support of others. We are trauma bonded to these people and need to work through the loss, as with any addiction.

Your idea of journeling is great  |iiii   Have you looked at the workshops here on 'looking after yourself'?  It's been far too long putting yourself second best and time to make yourself a priority... .the steps you have taken already are all in the right direction and I think you are selling yourself short in how much you've acheived already by leaving.  It was incredibly brave of you... .

My dog was such comfort at times (and got me out of the house for a walk when I felt like a day in bed with the curtains closed!)

It will take time to FEEL the progress you are making but just posting here and taking small steps at a time is all you need to do right now.  Some days you will stumble... .it will be ok.

As the great W.Churchill said "If you find yourself going through hell... .keep going".   

it is only day 3 and this path is a tough one, you are grieving the dreams of what you thought the relationship would have. You have to remember, as you said, the name calling and breaking sh** is not good, that is not healthy, and you should think of that. Please know this is soo new, and it will be hard the next few days, weeks and months. You need to do a positive thing each day, look in that mirror at yourself and realize what a beautiful person you are, a wonderful person a caring person... .give yourself a hug each day. Post here each day, several times if that helps.

Break ups are not easy, yes, we all wish life was happy and great, but honestly, you knew you had to end it, thats why you did, you will miss him etc.

You are so not alone... .how are you feeling today and what is running thru your mind. Can you make a list of the good and bads and see probably how many bad things you did deal with.

Just keep posting, I know it will help. I just like to post and respond to threads just so I can keep active, maybe help someone or learn from someone. I do know breakups suck and they are so hard to

get thru.

Wishing you strength, comfort and support and ((hugs))

Deciding to leave an important relationship to you is a difficult decision. Good for you. You saw it wasn't working and decided to make a change.


He decided to spend all his money impulsively and leave you to take care of the adult things. People make bad decisions all the time. They need to be left to deal with the consequences of those decisions. He is not your child. You did the right thing. 


Your heart and mind are not in sync. You know the relationship is bad for you but you still care about him. That's normal. It is hard to just turn those feelings off. It takes time.

How do you love yourself? Good question. Spend time with family and friends. Do the things you love. Pick up a new hobby or try to master a new skill. Excercise. Eat healthy. It is a maturing process. To learn to accept loss. To sit with the hard feelings while doing good things for yourself. In time it gets better and the next time you suffer loss you'll know what to do. You'll remember it gets better. You'll appreciate your good relationships (family and friends). You'll have better boundaries for your next romantic relationship. Time does heal.

Wow - Day 3 is tough sledding no matter how you slice it - but Kudos! You are on the way!

I'm Day 86 of NC and am still scratching fleas periodically.

Day 3 was part of the Shellshocked/what the heck Just Happened Here? Phase - nothing makes sense and the facts seem contradictory and confusing.

I suggest a Therapist that is familiar w/BPD - someone who can objectively sift through the particulars of your relationship and point out the Standard Issue BPD Behaviors (there are a lot of 'em).

This will not only validate your current feelings but it will help alleviate any weird guilt/sense of remorse based on what you did/didn't know/say/do in the relationship.

meg,

I am 17 days out and I cried this morning, after not crying for days.

I still wonder what happened that HUSBAND could just toss me out like garbage-and at great hardship to myself with little money and no job. He blamed me for all his life's problems-He was the real victim here?

This was a HUSBAND who a week before had said he loved me. Yet a week later saw fit to file for divorce, telling me via text, from work!

Hmmmmm. major disconnect there.

If I had believed him and left every time he claimed HE was DONE we might have broken up more than two times.  ;p

It's a process of back and forth. I feel better some days than others.

PUH-leeze can they take ALL the engagement ring commercials OFF the air NOW? Along with Guys buying Xmas vehicles for their starry eyed wives? that too!

(sourest of grapes here... .lol)

We need time to get our heads around the crazy making behavior. It will never make sense.

But we can feel better that we probably did ALL we could to maintain our end, and keep the r/s going.

GL

 I need another person to know about how painful I'm feeling right now. I feel the world is falling down on me. I'm just so depress. I started blaming myself again. It was me who didn't do enough, it was my fault. I'm feeling so helpless. I wished I had the strength to do it. I wished I was mentally prepared for this breakup. It happened just so so soon, I didn't expect it at all. On the back of my head might have prepared for this a long time ago. My logically mind kept telling me not to ignore the red flags anymore... .

Meg,

First off I am sorry to hear that you experienced this pain.  Second, don't blame yourself for the actions of others.  I have come to realize that many of these types of relationships are based on a power struggle for control of your mind, soul and body.

The person displaying the PD traits keeps us at a distance when we get too close to their heart, and when we begin withdraw, that is when they choose to try and get closer.  It is all a defense/coping mechanism.

I think it is great that you are journaling your thoughts, feelings, and experiences.  It will be a good frame of reference for you in the future.  

Hi Meg,

I really understand how you feel, you are probably in shock that you found the strngth to leave. After trying so hard to rationalise, bargain, telling yourself they will get better, or thinking I can cope with this cant I? Then it hits you and one day you know you have to go. So you do it... .and you know there is no turning back this time, even though you would love to turn the clock back to one of those special moments that you thought life couldnt get any better, at least we all did have those moments. You would love to turn the clock back to last week when you were still with him and hadnt made that decision yet, at least you had the stability of what you knew, rather now the instability of the unknown future.

I am interested to know what was it that gave you the strength to leave so suddenly.

I understand why you had to leave suddenly, because he would not accept it was over, or he didnt believe you were really serious, or you just couldnt face the conversation and the pain and the tears. I rang my uBPDh in the evening after I had spent the day moving my stuff into a hotel. He was at the supermarket. i said I have left and I am not coming back. He said well didnt you have the courage to say it to my face. Make sure you get yourself a good doctor and get cured!

The pain, I am feeling it right now. I am thinking of you whereevr you are. You are not alone or isolated. You have been true to YOURSELF, something which you really needed to do. You havent done anything bad or anything wrong. You were just very unhappy and hurt, and knew in your heart someone who said they lovednyou should treAt you better.

Keep posting every day. Someone will always reply. It will be hard for a few more months yet, but take one day at a time. If all else fails eat chocolate!

You'll hear it a billion times here: Your feelings are normal, so let them happen. Stick with us, we've all been there. I mean three days out- wowza! You sound objective and reflective and that is good. Be proud of yourself. :)

Talking about the emotional roller coaster after the breakup made me think... .not a lot... .but think none the less. The relationship itself was an emotional roller coaster. We have all discussed the chemical addiction we can neurologically develop to that chaos. We talk about how hard withdrawal is from that dependency. Maybe in al lot of ways the breaks on the roller coaster dont stop it immediately. The drug just hasnt even worn off enough to feel withdrawal. Maybe in a lot of ways, on its own, it can coast to a stop. Tools found here, your journaling and your honest objective reflection will help it stop faster. The fact that you made the decision to leave already shows that you recognize the unhealthy nature of the relationship, and demonstrates your strength. You will have good days and bad. Days of confusion and clarity. Write them both down. The people here can help you with the confusion, support you in the clarity and it gives you a resource when you feel lost to remember where you came from. On days when you feel like you lost your way, it can serve as a map  of where youve been and how you got there. I am sorry for your pain. I have certainly had my share and some seconds. I cannot stress enough how helpful this resource has been for me, and if you need it, it will be to you too.

Best Wishes.

Hey All,

I figured it out.LOL.  We keep classifying these PD relationships as an emotional rollercoaster.  I think an emotional merry go-round that never stops until one party decides to get off describes the process better. 

Meg... .

I feel the same way,  where you said that life is so much easier without him and wondered why you even miss him... .I wonder why miss my ex right now.

Why miss someone so incapable of being supportive when there is a real crisis going on and he still finds it more important to accuse me of false/delusional things just to make him back to being to focus of my world.

And that Churchill quote about going thru hell... .so good that I might just need to stick that up on a piece of paper to remind myself not to get stuck yet again... .

Hang in there... .   there are alot of us here... .

Hi all, thanks for sharing your thoughts and giving me advice. I cried when I read your posts.

Continue on Day 3:

I went to school today, talked to my professors about my circumstance, they were very understanding and extended the deadline on the projects I was behind. Felt depress the whole day. Didn't eat anything, I have been on liquid diet because I couldn't swallow (tried to eat, but ended up puking)

Almost cried in class, I wasn't thinking about what I did and how we ended this way anymore, I just simply felt very sad, I couldn't explain why. Although I'm aware this emotion is very normal, because it's been only 3 days.

I know I will be fine. I know I will. Plan to go visit my father and friends back home, I'll have a friend come school to go with me. We are going to buy flight tickets tomorrow. I haven't had fun in such a long time. I missed my friends back home.

I know there are so many people who truly care for me, and when I'm at my worst, they are always there for me. All my friends from home told me " just come back!" "we bought a house, you can come stay with us if you have nowhere to go!" feeling the warmth and support made me cry again. I'm a cry baby.

I know how attractive I am and how talented I am in art. I also know I have a very easygoing personality. I know everything he told me wasn't true. I don't believe any of it. I started to believe that the more he hates me, that means the more he loves me. Because there was love, there was hate. I wish I could just hate him. I know that someday I will be in love again.

Also bought some books, "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" and "Your Ex-Factor". I've never been a reader, lately I found reading help me to calm down a lot.

Ferris Wheel? Lol

Day 4.

No sleep at all. Have to get up in 2 hours for school.

I was surprised how I could still be able to do so good in school when I was living with him and fighting almost everyday. Now he's not behind my back to control me anymore, I have all this time to study and do even better in school, but I don't feel like it. I have to force myself to live the everyday life.

Just an hour ago, I was feeling better, and glad I finally left. Now, I'm depress and want to cry again.

I don't know if I do love him or he forced me to think that I do love him. I wasn't ready when we first started dating. I wanted to take it slow and get to know him better first. He rushed it, somewhat forced it, and I let him do that to me. I was so lonely and desperately wanted to love someone and be loved by that person. He came across and everything was like a dream - almost too good to be true. He treated me like a princess.

I just need to face the reality that I was living in a lie the whole time. Feel like he cut my chest open and grabbed my heart out with bare hands, then tossed it on the ground. I've lost so much and sacrificed so much for him, told me that I don't ever love him?

There will be a career networking event at night. I'm going to go because it will be great for my career.

Relationship sucks. Currently I don't think I could ever love someone again. Although I know this thought is also temporary... .So contradicting.

 Hi! Hi meg, sorry to hear that sleeping has been difficult. Its hard to relax when our minds are churning over the past. 

Its great that you are attending the career evening later today  |iiii  Doing positive things for yourself and your future will distract you, even temporarily from the negative feelings and thoughts.

I can understand the conflicting emotions of missing him, and yet knowing how destructive it was for you.  It takes time to really process what we have been through when we have invested so much in someone who turns out to be very different than we imagined, or hoped for.  It feels like a terrible betrayal of trust.

The craving to be with a person who has idealized us, then been abusive is very confusing at first.  Understanding the condition and the futility of a relationship with an untreated pwBPD will appeal to our logic, but takes a while to sink in on an emotional level.

I am so pleased to see you posting regularly, I hope your evening is productive.

Take care of yourself, members here are looking out for you  :)

Day 4 - pt 2

Overslept. Missed the first class. Emailed the professor about my circumstance. I went to talk to the academic advisor yesterday as well about what I'm dealing with. A friend from school was like "Why do you tell them?" I answered,"Why not? I don't feel ashamed at all."

Started crying again when I saw his mother's email, and she told me she was crying as she wrote the email.

And I started to feel very very sad. Perhaps I understand the pain in his mother is way deeper than mine. Because eventually I will move on to find that right person, and I can cut off all tights with him. But his family can't.

I don't know what I'm thinking, I'm so clear that this is done and I'm working on healing, I don't have any hope that him and I can reconnect in the future. Simply no more. Right now I just simply feel very sad.

I can almost cry my eyes out. Inside of me that scared little girl is screaming for attention and help– I stopped talking about him to my family and friends because they don't understand why I would feel sad because this is someone who treated me poorly... I don't want to wear them out.

I just wish God could hear my prayers, gives me strength to help me overcome this, and forget about everything.

Print out the 10 beliefs. Read them until they sink in.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm (https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm)

Look to the right of this page at the top. The five stages of Detachment. Stage 1?

You are hurt. It is understandable. Be kind to yourself. Take some time to do some things you enjoy. You will heal. It will get better  

Hi Newton, thank you for following up on me.

I just try do the things that would help the career I will be starting very soon. I have great passions in the field I study and so far that is the only one thing which kept me feeling good about myself in the past one year, and I know that if I keep working hard, someday I will become a very successful business woman.

That takes me back to the question : how to define being successful in women's lives?

Career? Marriage? Both? Can't have both all the time.

In the culture I was growing up, women needs to have happy marriages to be "successful". Somewhat I am scared that I will never be able to find love again. I know I'm still very very young, I'm 25 and just about to get out of college and start the career I dream to have.

He always bragged about me to his friends or anyone that he met, and was always so proud of me for the work I made, last time he said "looking at my work makes him feel like a loser" (in a joking way)

I have to overcome this grieve, I know that God will not give me anything I can't take. He has been giving me so much challenges in the past year because he wanted me to discover my inner strength what has been stopping me from being happy – I need to learn to love myself and love the people who love me. I know this is all in God's plan.

Can't stop crying ever since I woke up. I'm very glad that I found this board and found you guys who truly understand how I feel and had been to this path.

I dont know of these suggestions will help at all, but I remember riiiiiiight where you are. DONT FRET! We've all known the crippling sorrow, the bizarre physical reactions to it... .the whole gamut. Again, youre only four days out, so everything that youre feeling is completely normal. On my worst of the breakups I was where you are for weeks. It was affecting my work. I hated work, I hated music, I hated philosophy and I hated art. I am supposed to LOVE those things! Those things are a part of me not her! Right?

So, I nearly lost one of my contracts, but didnt because my client had been close to me for a while and watched my descent. I finally forced myself out of the pattern because I knew I couldnt live like that any more. The mornings were hard. Almost the worst. Nothing seemed important and i would usually talk to her in the morning- it was part of my routine. So, I changed my routine. I worked out every morning. Now, it wasnt just that easy. I would still wake up sad every morning, but when I felt that urge to hit snooze and try to sleep until I wasnt sad, I told myself, "I will not let myself live like this anymore!" Cheesy? Yes. You can come up with your own phrase or thought or mantra, but I found that it helped snap me out of my patern of thinking, so I could then snap myself out of my pattern of behavior. Now as you have heard from others, working out is so great because you get a sense of accomplishment and all that. For me though, I think that it chemically gave me something to replace the old chemicals I got in the morning (substance addicts do the same thing). I still thought of her alot at the beginning WHILE I was working out, but as the results started growing, it became more and more about me.

THE AFTERNOON: She and I would talk every day at lunch. It was part of my routine. Now I would get sad at lunch every day. It would affect my work. That, I finally decided, is unacceptable. This one was rough though. I couldnt just run to the gym real quick, or bash something with a pipe till i felt better (trust me, people look at you funny). So, when I felt my chest clench, I would go to the bathroom, splash water on my face and say, "I will not let myself live like this anymore!" Then, if I still felt a bit bummed, I would call a friend and bhit a little, but i would make sure to ask them how they were doing very soon into the conversation. Iwould make sure that the convo centered around work so that I could get the focus shifted more onto what I needed to do. This one was rough because I didnt have the freedom to do anything that I wanted to keep on a movin, but eventually it did help, and the old routine faded. i think you mentioned you were an art student- I could be wrong. Thats awesome! I miss my fine arts classes. I, you see, am a graphic designer, or more aptly, a corporate art whore :). If you're still doing fine art, and you have problems in the afternoon, what a great time to do some expressive peices or sketches that can become pieces. That way, you can still focus on work, you get to uninhibitedly feel your feelings and you get to create something. Creation is the most pure form of existence, so, BONUS!

THE EVENING: Bummer, I gotta drive home. Normally I would be on the phone right now. Its part of my routine. Wait a second! My phone calls other people! People who like me, wait no, who LOVE me. I call them. We bullPLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) about our days and I head to the pub. I know everyone at my pub so, its kinda like an expensive living room :). I play alotta darts, I bhit about politics, we are horrible cads about women... .you know, pub stuff. Now eventually, I realized that i was becoming kinda a barfly... .and possibly drinking on the reg. That aint to good, but it was good to be social again and laugh and be around friends, but it was time to move on, and my old routine was getting broken about where I got my laughs and companionship. So, I started going to the pub less and less. Eventually I would go one day a week, when all of my closest friends would meet up and we would do all the things we would normally do without the giant bill of going there constantly :). So I needed something new. So, I found a riend who lived close to me that needed something to do every day to unwind after work. We decided that we would either go out and play some soccer, or if we werent up to it, at least walk around the park. Sometimes I would go by myself. A lot of times I would still think and talk about it, but even when I did after an hour or two of waking or running, my routine of sitting and being angry or craving her was being broken.

These things arent easy fixes, they took time- more time than I would have liked, but they helped drastically from what I was like even the day I started them. I suppose my point is that when youre in any serious relationship, that person becomes a part of your life and a part of your routine. When that part isnt there any more you want it. It helps to know when those times are (ugh mornings and nights), and replace what was there with something nes, or something old that you had previously left. I know this isnt some grand revelation Ive made, but even when you feel at your worst, I promise there is an end in sight, and you will remember all the things around you that have always made your life rich.

Oh and one more thing: dont worry about finding love again. It will find you. In fact its already all around you! :) Get yourself back. When you do, that new, refreshed feeling will be better than any magical thoughts about love you could imagine!

My fingers hurt, so im gonna stop typing and sell some socks or whatever drivel they want me to make today :)

Sorry you are hurting, please believe that in the long run you will be better from going through this, facing it, working on your own life, staying away from people who cause you so much pain. I chose the quote above because so many of us have felt this way, but we need to remember so much of this was just a dream. See this as happening in a dream that was partially real but never could have been lived out forever. You're waking up now, and finding your heart is still intact, still beating, still growing. It's still inside of you. You wrote many positives about yourself, please keep those in mind and redirect your focus towards what is so good about you. Be creative! Be kind! Feel attractive! What you're going though is a time of loss and detaching, moving on, letting go of what someone else said to you and hearing your own voice (and heart) now. Hang in there, reaching out when you need to, crying when you feel to, release what is tense inside of you so your body, mind, and heart can relax. You will settle into your real self and live a good life. This is all so fresh. You'll make it through. Honor your own heart and live accordingly. Those who can't accept it don't get to share in it.

Day 4 pt 3/ day 5

I began the day crying. Talked to my mother. Grieved for him having BPD. Knowing that I couldn't do anything. I am just so clear, but I didn't know why I was feeling so sad, yet I knew it is really normal. Reading a self improvement book helps me to be more rational.

I forced myself to go to school, and I was running late. It was an important day because my school project is due and my professor won't accept late work. I wasn't thinking much, I just tried to get to school as soon as I can.

Went to school, turned in the project, the professor was about to leave but he waited for me because he knew I'm having some hard time these day, and I used to be on top of everything in the past, this was unusual but he could understand. Saw a good friend in school, she helped me to find a cheap flight ticket back home, and I booked it right away, so I'm going back home to reconnect with my old friends next week, I'm actually pretty excited, I've been missing them.

At night I went to a career networking event with my friend. I talked to a several people, and obtained some business card, one of them might be my "future boss" because I've been thinking to apply there right after I graduate. The guest speaker was a designer from Facebook. I felt very good around the people who are in my field.

After that my friend came to my home, and we had dinner with my mom. We spent some time drinking a couple glasses of wine, talked about our goals in life, our past relationships, school, movies, and other girl's topics. I was having a very good time. I actually could be able to feel starving for the very first time and I ate a decent amount.

After my friend left, I talked to my mother for quiet a while... .we talked about the issues that had impacted me as a kid growing up, I found out I was always bullied in school by either teachers or peers from kindergarden to 6th grades. I constantly wanted to do things for people in order to be "recognized and accepted" ( I had transfer to soo many different schools during my childhood) Therefore, I found the roots of my codependent issue.

I cried again when I talked about him and his illness to my mother, she started to understand this is an illness, he wasn't a "devil". I cried and regretted at times I was mean to him when he needed validating badly, I didn't know about his disorder by then and I didn't know his pain. Now I know every time he threatened me to leave, he was actually afraid that I will abandon him, because he knew his action has already damaged the relationship. He wanted me to reassure him every time by telling me to leave or acted he is leaving me. He wanted me to beg him to stay to reassure that I really want him. That was why he got so upset when I just let him leave or started packing my stuff when he told me to leave(I didn't know about BPD by then!) I was blaming myself, but then my mother told me "think in this way, you did one thing that is bad and hurt him, but he did 100 things that are bad and hurt you. So don't feel bad for the one thing you did." I guess she's right.

Tomorrow (today since it's 5AM) I will go to a career lunch networking event at a company I'm going to apply at right after I graduated. Talking to people in real life felt very great, I haven't done it in a while.

It's great to hear you have good support from friends and family... .it's a very raw time for you... .getting your appetite back, focusing on yourself and your career are such positives  |iiii

Try not to beat yourself up with guilt too much about what you could have done better... .we can all only act on the knowledge and life experience we have at any given moment in time.

When I first found bpdfamily.com I thought "great!, this is the fix I have been looking for! If only I had known sooner!"... .The communication tools and info here about BPD can stop making things worse... .but in order for significant improvement in your relationship he would have had to be determined and committed to YEARS of intensive therapy... .and even then the results may have been far from what you deserve and want from a trusting fulfilling relationship.  Imagine the possible effect that would have had on your ambitions, your focus and your career. 

Without him accepting and confronting his issues the push/pull and abuse would have continued... .no amount of effort or insight from you would have changed that.

ps/ great point you made about talking to people in "real life"... .normal conversations can seem quite alien to us when we initially emerge from the FOG.  When we spend lots of time around dysfunctional people it's easy to lose sight of how straightforward it is to interact with those who are rational, balanced and healthy.

Meg,

Practice a little Retail Therapy.

Go buy yourself something you can wear (a piece of jewelry?) or see every day (wall art?) that represents YOU. MAKE IT ALL ABOUT YOU.   

Your talents, your beauty, your strengths... .   Gift-Red

Remind yourself every time you see it that you are very important and valued. YOU MATTER!

Change your routines as BleedsOrange suggested.

Actually I am going to use those too! so TY BleedsOrange!

Add new or different activities that can become positive habits.

Sweety, you are going to get better every day, like all of us.   :)

 

GL

Newton, I found morning is the hardest. When I wake up each day, I have to remind myself again that he is not in my life anymore. Feel like I need to go through the pain over and over again. I cry in the morning and at bed time, also sigh a lot when it gets dark out. I'm afraid of going to sleep and get up to go through the pain all over again everyday. I've been sleeping only 2,3 hours everyday in the past 5 days. Plan to take some Zquil and go to bed early tonight.


Hi Gina,

thank you for your suggestion. I do indeed start feeling better as each day goes by. It still hurts when friends and family mention his name, I told them I don't want to talk about him and how he mistreated me anymore because I'm trying to forget. Talking about the bad things he did only cause more pain in me. I just want to forget.

I've been running around and tried to keep myself busy. I know I will be better soon.

Day 5 - pt2

I got up this morning and felt really depress again. The first thing I did was crying. It felt like there's a knife stabbing my heart and my throat. I cried more when I showered. I forced myself to get dressed and put makeup on while crying. My friend overslept so she was not going to the design society conference with me. Normally I would just change my mind and not go because I don't feel comfortable to go to a event like this by myself. I forced myself to do it today, because they were holding the conference at a large corporation I plan to apply after I graduate, networking with people from that company will help me to get my foot in. I forced myself to go.

After the conference was over, I saw there were people who I met at the design society event yesterday. I went up to the guy who is a director of one of the departments in the company, I asked him if he could give me a tour in the company because I want to work for them. He showed me around, the corporate culture and environment are amazing. The person I talked to told me to email him my portfolio when I'm ready, because they are actually looking for interns.  he will let me know. Taking the internship is the best way to get the foot in, he told me that. After I left the building, I was so exciting, I have a feeling that I will nail it, and my dream will finally come true! I also felt very proud that I was able to force myself to do the things I normally wouldn't do, and I could do it!

The rest of the day... .I hung out with a good friend, we went to grab lunch and we had a great time. We talked about our career goals and goals in life. I know that this is the best for me, if I'm still with him, I wouldn't be able to participate in that design society event last night, I wouldn't be able to know those people at the event, I wouldn't be able to go in to see the internal environment of the company, and I wouldn't get the opportunity to apply for internship.

My last worry is I will need to go to his apartment one more time to get my paintings and the cable box(the service is in my name and I'll need to return it after canceling the service) Going back to the apartment means it will remind me how unhappy I was in that place, and everything, all over, again.

I'm visiting home next week, so many friends ask me if I need them to pick me up from the airport. I miss them so much, I think I will feel a lot better after seeing their faces.

Hey Meg     Sorry to hear the mornings are so difficult... .it's good to hear you are letting your emotions out AND managing to carry on with day to day life.  It sounds like the conference was really productive and you were really challenging yourself  |iiii

So what's the plan about returning to the apartment?... .Do you have to go or could you write a list of items for the friends who accompanied you last time.  It was all pretty intense before... .its important to keep yourself safe and returning there may set back the fantastic progress you've made over the last few days... .

GET THAT INTERNSHIP! FOCUS IN A PSYCHOTIC BLOODLUSTY MANIA!

How great would that be? You get a new circle of people to get to know, a creative outlet, new intelectual stimuli, a sense of accomplishment and a reminder of where YOUR life is going! In case you havent noticed, Im excited for you. You be excited for you... .Im a little jealous too. Im gonna go hustle for a new contract! You think you can outdo me MEg? Oh, It's on!

I know this time is hard. You know Ive been there, but if you keep posting this stuff on here, and do, Im gonna keep trying to remind you that it only FEEEELS like everything is falling apart. In reality, you are doing great. Stocks can go up and down, but what really matters is the long term trend. Looks like yours is on the rise, my friend!

Day 6

I stayed up all night to polish my resume and created a linkedin account. I connected with the professionals I met at the conference, and hope that I will be able to get the intern position very soon (need to get my portfolio ready first!). And then I took some Zquil, and went to sleep.

I woke up this afternoon and felt very empty. I didn't cry until my family left home, and I broke down and cried for hours. I activated my facebook account again and have been talking to friends back home, they were so supportive and many of them volunteered to give me rides during my stay. I felt the warmth from my family and friends, and that made me sad. After a while I realized that I didn't remember what I did yesterday, the activities I did yesterday seemed to be 2, 3 days ago. I realized that I'm avoiding to think and was shutting my brain down.

I'm reading the book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson. In the book she explains how the forgotten childhood experience could triggered the fear of abandonment in adults. I started to rewind, and only discovered that my childhood was full of rejections by the peers group, my parents' constant leaving for business trips left me the fear of abandonment. I remember sitting in a room to wait for my parents to pick me up from kindergarden, and I was always the last kid to be picked up, I remember the thought of "they(parents) will never come" as a child. My beloved grandmother who raised me when my parents were away for business, she passed away when I was 10. I remembered not feeling anything for her death until I saw her body at the funeral. Now I know her death impacted me so strong, and I rejected to face to the reality because I was to traumatized. I used to think that I'm cold hearted.

I remember those failed relationship I have had in the past, and many of them abandoned me for another woman. All of these triggered my fear to be alone, and to be abandoned.

Just a few years back, I remember getting very drunk at a bar, and I was sitting on the floor crying out " Why did he do this to me?" I just got out of a relationship where the ex left for another woman without any closure, he just left without saying anything. A few months later, we got back together, and was seeing each other for another year and a half, in the end he left again just like the first time, for the same woman. I still remember the shattering feelings from the two breakups(with the same person) I went through. I felt a lot better and thought I have moved on after a month, actually I was never healed from the breakup, and I think I still haven't healed from it – rejection to the pain left me very vulnerable. I met BPDex that time, and the beginning was "too good to be true", he told me he want to settle down and build a family, I fell for it. I thought to myself I will never need to go through a breakup again. I guess that's why I'm hurting so much now. All the pain from the past came back to haunt me at once.

Hi BleedOrange, thank you! Good luck on getting a new contract!

It will remind me of everything if I keep posting here, indeed. Actually I haven't thought about much about him yesterday, and I tried not to think today as well. It is too painful to remember the lost dreams.

I started to analyze my past... .I went back all the way to my childhood, I now discovered where the pain and fear came from. I'm feeling better each day, and as each day goes by, I'm more confident for the choice I made (to leave him). I start to hope that someday I will find love again, but before that I need to overcome my fear and fix the issues I was avoiding the all whole.

I think I'm going to seek help from the people at the church I go again... .I don't want to go back there if I don't have to, but I have to. I hope he can just pack rest of my stuff and ship them to me, but I know he won't do it. I wish someone can just pick them up for me... .but that will need him to gather the rest of my belongings, I know he's not going to do that. I still haven't heard from his parents or him about removing my name from the apartment lease, I want that to be done, fast. Because I don't ever want to go near that area again, it's too painful to remember the lost dreams.

Fake it tell you make it isn't a bad way to go. Keep pushing yourself to do positive things for your future and the pain will be over quicker and your life will be at a better "starting" position. Self love is healing and forces you to redirect your actions back to who matters. You! Yes it hurts. It is no fun. You have shown amazing strength. You will make it through this.  |iiii

Day 7.

I just got done seeing my therapist today. I've crying ever since I woke up, and I was crying on the drive to see my therapist, I was crying during the whole session. I don't understand why, I wasn't thinking about much. I know so well that I already accept the reality and there is no going back, and I didn't do anything wrong. I know next time I will find a nice person who treats me right. I know I will be able to love again, I know my future is going to be so bright and I'm going to be able to achieve many things without him.

My therapist diagnosis me with depression disorder, since she couldn't prescribe medication for me, she referred me to a doctor, and told me that I need to contact the doctor and be on medication for depression.

I'm looking forward to be on medication.

Meg... .medication was the difference between me making it through the worst times... .or not.  Simple.  Find a good doctor you trust, google what they prescribe you so you know the facts... .and see how it works. 

I see such strength in your posts, meds may just be the mechanism that carries you through the worst.  Ask questions here, I think you'll be suprised about how many members have followed the same path :)

Hi Newton, I didn't want to be on medication but it seems like it's the only thing would help me besides alcohol. I understand how alcohol is an depressant. but any ways.


I actually acted more normal when I'm in the influence of alcohol, which is not good, my family is worried about me. But when I drink that is the only time I could remain rational. I don't know why. I feel the despair need to let him know that I'm alright, even thought he's not around, I think it's sth about being young... .irrational. I just can't wait till someday I could look back and think I was stupid on this day.

Anyway.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69192.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=69192.0)

Your Emotional Hurt Can Seriously Alter Your Brain Chemistry

Completely understandable. It is a difficult time. Take a look at this thread. It is important information. You'll get through this. You are strong and it will get better.

Day 8

I bought the online program "Step to heal" by Amelie Chance. It's a combination of life couching video and workbook. It helped me to get through the night last night. I spent most of my day today reading the material. It helps a lot.

My dog became very cuddly with me, she used to be only cuddly with him. Perhaps even she knows I'm having a hard time. Yesterday she "cried" with me when I was breaking down. She was upset too.

I couldn't do anything at all. I hate to breakup before X'mas. There was a movie we wanted to see together for so long, but it comes out on X'mas eve. That time X'mas just seemed so far away, I could never imagined we will be no longer together in the X'mas reason.

It sucks so much. I feel the knot in my chest, I feel difficult to breathe. I keep mourning for the lost of "dream", and although my mind is firm that there is no going back. I know someday I would meet someone nice who is able to treat me well, but for now it's hurting so much. The pain seems too much to bear, I just want to cry until there is no more tears left.

Oh Meg, feeling for you!   I know how overwhelming the pain can be.

Are you still managing to treat yourself kindly? Eating well - even if you have to make a real effort to do so? Long hot baths?

Let us know.

Love Blazing Star

DAY 9

Didn't wake up crying today. But still feel really empty. The emptiness is killing me. I almost cried on the drive to school, and I held it in.

And then when I was in class, I started to look at my injured finger... .the more I looked and touched it, the more it seems to be a bone fracture. It's been over a week now, but the swollen hasn't gone down, and I couldn't bend fully, when I tried to bend it hurts. I even have some teachers to look at them to confirm my thought, they all told me it's a bone fracture and I need to go see a doctor.


I got so angry at him all of the sudden. So I started writing emails to his parents to demand medical expense. Before I heard from his parents, he emailed me - the first time ever since we broke up. He simply wrote " you did it to yourself, I'm not paying for it, don't pull me in." What? He shut the door when my hand was on it! He didn't even look back and just ran away, and 2 days later he demanded me to give him a massage when my hand was so swollen! What the FFFF? I was so angry. But I don't know why I told him - I love you. He replies, "I love you too. I just hate how you handled getting the stuff. If you ever want to be back in my life, stop the madness" ( the way I handled getting the stuff: meaning I took the bed, the dog, and just showed up to the apartment without scheduling a time with him? not sure. Stop the madness: emailed him many hateful emails when I was really drunk last Saturday)

I forgot I was doing NC. Big failure. I explained to him that was because I don't want him sleep in the bed with other women, and I don't want anyone else to be our(my)dog's new 'mommy' (she's our baby), I said it hurts too much so I acted that way. He didn't reply after that. I didn't know I felt so relieved after I told him that. At the same time I was scared of the feel of relieving - does it mean deep down I still want him? Really, someone who abused me like that, and refused to pay for my medical expense, and the repairing fee for breaking my car. And I still want to be back with him? Really? Something must be wrong with me.

His parents contacted me and said they talked to him, and said he will drop off the cable & my paintings to the apartment office when he signs off the paper to remove my name. They didn't say when he will do it.

I started reading many other posts on here, and did research on what is "abuse"? I had a very loose idea about what it is, I guess I was lying to myself for too long (I remember I already considered myself in an abusive relationship with him the first month after we moved in together.)

Anyway. It's been only 9 days, there is already someone who shows interested in me. Somehow I have this fear - I fear to meet someone who is a BPD again. Having that thought makes me want to stay single forever. Can't seem to trust anyone in a while.


I'm also a little scared that this is not it. Bc he mentioned "if you want to be back in my life"... .Ugh.

Meg I wish I could "show" you where I was when I joined bpdfamily.com.  These chaotic times will pass, with time.  The internal conflict you are having right now is perfectly normal and part of the grieving process.  You have been through an emotional wringer in this relationship... .try not to be so hard on yourself.

If there is a chance your things will be dropped off at a third party... .take it.  The last time you met him you were injured... .emotionally and physically... .

These awful feelings will pass, with time.  You will be ok.

ps, be cautious of the new "interest" in you... .its time to look after yourself and recover from this trauma... .not necessarily the best time to give your energy to a potential love interest.  If he is serious about you he will still be around when you feel stronger and more balanced. 

Meg... .   I'm right there with you right now going through this same pain... .  the same insane interactions that completely change the history of events... .  I thought I was beginning to be stronger but my one step forward led to 50 steps backwards yesterday (or so it felt).  The pain and tears were so ridiculous at work that I just had to leave yesterday. 

I just don't understand why I still love someone who has hurt me so badly this much and still want him back so badly.

I may need to look up that dvd you mentioned about healing. 

I just wanted you to know you aren't alone - I hope you have a stronger, better day today... .   

Hi Take2,

I'm glad to know someone is also going through the same pain.

This sucks so much. I don't want to look back but the emptiness and depression kept haunting me.

How long have you been out from the relationship with your ex?

Hi Newton, thank you for your kind words again. I also know time will help to ease this feeling.

It's has been so many years since I've been single... .I always jumped into a new relationship very fast right after one ended. I didn't have the courage to deal with the pain on my own, and because of that I always met wrong guys and ended up hurting again. so now I'm here again, all by myself. But this time I decided to take time to learn to deal with this, I can't always rely on someone to comfort me... .I need to learn to be strong.

It's so close to graduation, school has crazy work load. I was glad that I got out otherwise I wouldn't have time at all for school work.

Day 10

Woke up crying again. Felt very depress. Can't seem to focus in school at all. I was telling a good friend from school how I was feeling depress and couldn't do anything for school, she patted me on my shoulder, and kindly said "you'll be alright." As soon as she said it, I started tearing in front of her and another peer. I told her how I hate myself being so weak, and I don't understand why I cried again. After that we changed the subject, and I was able to hold my tears in. We were talking about random stuff and joking around, I felt alright after that.

After school we went to a print shop, a lady who I met last week from the conference works there. The lady showed us around and I learned more about the printing business, and she also said she can hook us up with her connection for the magazine we are making (my friend started a magazine company, and I'm helping her on the design.) Everything seemed good, and I felt productive.

On the drive home I got lost, and stuck in traffic. All of the sudden I had this breakdown and started crying in the car. I called my mom and told her I don't understand why I cried again, I was feeling so depress. I told her I want to be on anti-depression medication as my therapist told me (my family didn't want me to be on medication). She said okay.

So now I'm here again, feeling depress and extremely empty. I'm leaving back to my home state tomorrow, I'm hoping that is going to make me feel better after seeing my old friends there. I can't wait.

DepressedIsolatedMeg... .you asked how long I have been out of my relationship?

Honestly I can't even answer it.  A week?  He is and has always been SO vague with exactly where his head is at for the past 3 YEARS that we have been together on and off - although according to his rewritten history, it's been 100% of the time that's he been here with me and faithful (lies).

Two weeks ago?  My dad (who is elderly) wound up in the ER (I took him) extremely ill.

Like dying.  The ex?  who was an ex reached out and swooped in to be the super hero and being as vulnerable as I was and am - welcomed him (as always) with open arms.  He was AMAZING.  And then exactly one week ago today - I spoke up in a meeting at work (we work together) and once again he decided that I throw myself at every man in the office and cannot be trusted (insanity that has been going on for 2 years now).

So he again dumped me as my dad was released from a week stay in the hospital only to go home on "hospice" - which means he now will just die of infection without any more hospital interferance.  It's beyond the most difficult painful time in my life.

My mom died 11 years ago.  My sister is very far away (1500 miles). 

I NEED him here for me now.

We see each other daily.

It's so unbelievably cruel and painful that he went on AGAIN with some girl he met online because of delusions in his head - that I SHOULD be disgusted enough to move away (emotionally) from him... .but I am SO overwhelmed with depression from my dad's circumstances that I can't actually function at all.

had to leave work early yesterday.

Worked all day today but am considering staying home tomorrow.

How are you?  I hope you are ok.

Antidepressants DO work (generally) and will help you.  I hope.

Right now?  mine isn't really doing the job.  I called my doctor today to ask for a higher dose or different medication.  I NEED to function.

I am here for you and truly hope you are ok.

Feel free to message me any time... .

Is anyone else here having these flashes of "I can't understand why they left me / I can't believe that they left me" thoughts?

Every day this crosses my mind at some point.  I mean, I believe it... .SHE'S GONE... .but it just just seems unbelievable to me.  I really loved her.  I mean REAL LOVE.  And she did such a good job convincing me that she loved me too which is why I struggle to believe that she was so eager to depart.  I mean, if two people really work to resolve their problems, odds are they can (see the High Conflict Couple).  But I guess one of the learnings is that you can only work through problems if you try to remove as much of the emotion as possible so you can have calm discussions that focus on resolution vs. the emotions of anger, sadness, and pain.  You can't get that with a BPD partner I guess.

But still... .I can't believe she's gone in many ways.  It's been 3 months and it ended terribly, but I figured I would have heard something by now.  I guess that's not going to happen.  The sad part is that in the last fight we had, I made up an immature lie in an attempt to stop her from walking out the door, and it really bothers me that she believed that lie.  I guess I'll just have to accept it... .but boy do I MISS HER.  I MISS HER SOO MUCH.

Absolutely. I assume we are all human on here - so it's bound to happen.

Often it pops up out of Left Field - something stupid or mundane will remind me of her.

But one thing is for sure - as I was signing the Divorce Decree this morning- I was NOT in a reminiscing mode.

One other thing that has helped is the Telling the Truth Out Loud - be it to a T that I pay to listen or if I clue in my friends with 5 or 10 minute sound bites, the effect is the same.

Hearing her INSANITY SPOKEN OUT LOUD - does wonders for ME - provided I am being 100% honest and doing a Dragnet style 'Just the Facts' listing - no Character Assassination or Judgment Calls - the FACTS are plenty enough in Black & White to have me sighing with relief in a huge way... .every time.

'Cause I dunno bout y'all - but I can ping pong stuff in my head until it makes zero sense or I get majorly pissed or saddened - but listing that PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) out loud for someone else in a plain fashion = real relief.

Of course, a T would be best - as I prefer to keep my friends!

JP,

Brotha to tell you the truth, I dont think that. Now that I can look back at this thing with a clearer head. She and I both should have run from each other in opposite directions as fast as we could. That thing was MESSED UP! Now, the other breakups I believed that it was alllll my fault. I do take responsibility for my part in this, but I can see now how sick the games we were playing were and how sick it had made me by the end. Soo, no, If a friend's guy was acting like I was at the end I woulda told her to bail. If a friend's broad was acting like she did the whole damn time, I would have screamed, "RUN AWAY! HURRY! DONT PACK! GO GO GO!"

As far as you believing that she is "gone," you may be counting your chickens a bit too early. MAybe she's never gonna pop back into your life, but I wouldnt bet on it. It sounds like you want her to. Now Im not gonna preach the whole, ":)ont ever talk to her again or youre doomed" thing, but it sounds like you're still really caught up in some shame and doubt and pain. If there is a future where this person is back in your life and her patterns that have led you to believe that she exhibits borderline behavior are still present (lets face it, they probably will be) I dont think that you are really in a position right now where you could handle it.

If you want that future, you NEED her to be gone until you have fully processed all the junk that went on and you have detached enough to be objective and not let your emotions cloud your reasons. As per usual, Im saying this to myself as well. However I dont think there is a place in my life for mine to inhabit any more. My therapist told me just yesterday, "Give it a couple of years, get yourself back, find a healthy relationship and then think about it. I would bet that once you remember what that is like, the thought of letting that dangerous person back in your life, in any role, will not seem as appealing."

Take this time- and I mean TAKE IT, IT's YOURS- to get yourself back. She's not doing this to you. I miss her too. I dont miss the pain. I dont miss the uncertainty. I dont miss the games. Own this time. Wipe her fingerprints off of it. What is it you want from having her back? What is it you REALLY want- not the fantasy of what you want. Based on what you usually get and what you will probably receive, what is it that you are really looking to get? I dont doubt that you love her. But you and I and many of us need to remember when we think that we miss them and want them to be around in whatever context, what it is that we're really looking for and whether its love that is driving us, or need.

I know for me, it's validation. Outside validation that I dont give myself- that Im good enough, worthy of love, a good friend or even a good person. Thats pretty messed up! Whats more messed up is that not only would I try and look for that in anyone but myself, but that I would go to someone who has shown the ability, will and while maybe not completely conscious, the intent to tear me apart from any weakness she can perceive or is given.

What is it for you?

So again, no. I dont wonder why shes gone. I know why shes gone. Have I been shown that there are some weaknesses in me that I didnt completely recognize before? Yes. Will I feel shame that they were carved out of me and shoved in my face as the reason for all wrongs in our ... .whatever it was? Hell no.

Quite frankly, with the alternative being another recycle with me ending up deeper into her rabbit hole, her finally leaving permanently when I was apparently too weak to do it for myself, was the kindest decision she made and the most mature and responsible decision either of us made since we decided to get together. I mean that with no bitterness attached to it. My only overtone here is that of self-preservation.

Give yourself a hug, bro. Go outside. It's beautiful without her.

Oh, and RDTX, No kidding right? The shocked look on my T's face when I laugh about some of the mindful, sharp cruelty that I took for granted as normal, snaps me back into perspective pretty damn quick. Her normal response is, "There's just no way. There is just no way she doesnt know what she's doing. She's too smart, too good at it not to." I still laugh a little and shake my head. No bitterness. Just a roll of the eyes and a long, "JEEEEEEEEEEEZ. no kidding." :)

day 18

It's been a few days since I came to the board to update my progress.

The last few days I was traveling back home, reunited with old friends, but, it wasn't too fun for me. I anticipated to go back so much when I was with him, and I did now, only turned out to be, not as fun as I thought.

Got to meet with one of his best friends, and was told about his past, how he lied and hurt many people in his life. But his friend told me, "He did love you. He said you were the girl for him. He never said this about any girls he was with before." His friend told me he had always dated women who were a lot older than him, that was why she was so surprised when he brought me to her, because I am so young, I was the youngest girl he had ever dated. His friend told me, "I knew you were the different one, so I thought he would change for you." His friend also suspected that he has BPD ( he has not been diagnose professionally, but he had 6 traits out of the 7.)

I got to learn about myself a lot more during this trip as well. I realized I was not a "good person" as I thought I always was. I was really depress not only from this breakup after the trip, I was also depress about knowing the truth about who I really am. I have hurt so many people without knowing it myself all these years. How my father does not like me because I have always been a selfish person.

All of the sudden everything he told me seem to be true. Maybe he was telling me the truth the whole time, somehow I didn't understand. Many things he said to me, they started turning out to be right.

I have not gone a day without crying and missing him. I miss him terribly, even after knowing his past and what he had done, and what he had done to me. He was such a bad person for me, my life will be a lot better without him, but I miss him terribly. So I wrote him a very long letter(email), to explain him my love for him, why our relationship didn't work out. Because our breakup was so heartbreaking and ugly, I wanted to leave on a good mutual term at least. He replied to me, " Thank you."  I thought I felt relieved.

After the trip, I made a very foolish decision. I have decided to seduce him into a sexual relationship - tried to convince him to be my booty call. Not smart, I know. As a young woman, I didn't respect myself and my body. When I was sending him all those messages, I was crying on the other end. I lost myself, that wasn't me, but somehow I thought I can use this to keep him in my life, and maybe if I only think about the pleasure that sex could bring, I could forget other stress he will bring into a relationship, but we will still be connected, in a weird strange way. He doubted it was someone else who wrote those messages to him at first, and later he doubted if I did that to trick him into something, in the end, he agreed to meet. I went over to his place - our old home, to meet him. Not smart. And then he told me he couldn't do it, he started to cry, he asked me why I was doing that, it wasn't like me at all, it wasn't who he fell in love with. He rejected me, he said he love me and respect me too much and he wouldn't allow me to do that to myself. I kept pushing at the beginning, until he cried to me and said "If I let you do this, I wouldn't want you to leave me anymore, please... .listen to me at least once. You know this is not right." I knew that I need to stop hurting him, he was having a very bad breakdown, he was a man and he was crying like a little child. We both were.

We were both crying the whole time. He was shaking, and wouldn't stop crying, and I was the same. In the end, he told me I should leave, I agreed. Before I left, he gave me his diamond earrings - he doesn't have a lot, that was the most expensive thing he owned, he gave it to me. We were both crying so much, and we both knew there is no going back.

When he asked about our dog, I said she's doing okay. He started crying even more, he said that's his baby, that's his baby, that's his family, and he lost her, and he lost me. I lost him too, I did many horrible things to him as well. We both did many horrible things to each other, the person we loved. We were holding each other, we cried aloud and said " This is not suppose to be like this!" The reality is, we both have a lot of problems. He's not the only one that has problems. I had a lot of problems too - my own mother told me that just a couple days ago, how she realized it wasn't only his problems why the relationship didn't work, I had many many personality problems as well, and if I don't work on myself, any men would leave me because of my personality.  

After that, we texted each other for another day, simply saying " I love you" to each other (not smart, gave him my new number - I called him first so now he has it). Today, he stopped texting. I think I should stop too. I need to let him move on. It's weird we had been broken up for more than 2 weeks now, somehow I still think I'm with him. I'm feeling so hopeless, I'm such a hopeless person, I know this is not right but I keep screwing things over.

I keep having thoughts that maybe years later, when I'm able to become a better person myself, save up money to move to a different state, and he is able to become a better person himself as well, stable and save up money too... .If that's the case, I will run away with him and abandon everything I have here. I'm so stupid. It's been only 2 weeks, but I'm thinking about what will happen in years.


Right now I'm hurting so badly. I had fun with a good friend going out yesterday, she bought me gifts to cheer me up, she was a very good friend and caring. After I went home, I chatted with my mother for a long time, not about him, but other stuff. Now it's 6 in the morning, I'm depress and crying again, but I'm not going to let anyone know that I'm still crying - because it's already been a while, everyone thinks I should be able to move on and stay strong. Now I'm at a spot that is same as many of you who had messaged me, and mentioned - how we can't express emotion to friends and family anymore, because they were worn out after a while. This is where I am at now. I'm pretending to be okay and better each day, but when I'm alone and in the dark, I'm so depress and I just cry, I feel so helpless and lonely. I need him to be here to hold me now, and tell me everything is going to be okay.

So I'm here again, I didn't make any progress at all. It's still hurting me every day. I still can't believe that we broke up.  I knew that he did love me and he will always do, for some reasons I'm so greedy, it was not enough, I still want that dream, that dream of building a family with him, but i know that's merely a dream because we both have a lot of problems, we will need to work on them before thinking about the future, and who knows what will happen tomorrow. I kind of wish dooms day will come, so I could escape from this pain forever. The pain is so real, and I could feel it up on my chest, I feel suffocated, and the psychical pain, feels like I'm having a mild heart attack.

I want to tell him how much I miss him everyday and love him. But it's getting old, I need to leave him alone, for his sake, and for my own sake.

What I could say right now about my feeling for him - "I'm hopelessly in love with him." What does it mean? "It means that you are completely devoted to the person you love. Even if they're a bad person, and you know they're a bad person, you still love them." I knew about his past, I knew about his lies in the very beginning of our relationship, but I still love him, how else could I explain why I'm feeling this way? I want him so badly in my life, I want him to be the one. I'm just like a kid crying for candy, I just want it, I know if I have it I will get a stomach ache and suffer in pain, but I still want it. I want him. I'm crying again.


Sorry this post is going all over the place.

Meg, we have all been there. Otherwise the recycles wouldn't be so prevalent throughout posts. It's pretty telling that you both cried when you saw each other. You are both in pain. That aint good. It certainly isn't a good place to begin a new relationship, and lets face it, if you were going to pursue a relationship, it would have to be new or obviously, it would just be the old relationship. I tried this so many times. Unfortunately, from my experience, once a dynamic is set in a relationship, it is very hard to break.

You say that you are not a "good person". I wouldn't be so sure. We all have things we can change about ourselves. Plus you are in a very transformative part of your life. Youre supposed to be figuring out the person you want to be right now. Don't focus on the past and the things that you have done wrong. Think about this person that you want to be and be excited that you are on your way! I will refrain from telling you how happy you should be about how it sounds like your design career is starting. Magazine layout exercises so many skills that cross so many platforms. Many students dont get an opportunity like that. Be proud of yourself.

Now, back to the relationship stuff. These interactions hurt you. That is obvious. These interactions hurt you. That is obvious. Thank God you didnt do that booty call thing. I wanted it too. You know that you were going to sacrifice more of your core just to get any piece of what you want back. I have been there. There was nothing more damaging to my inner self than all the pieces of me I gave up to make it work no matter what. Eventually you would have nothing left. That is not good boundaries. If something with this individual were ever to work those would have to be iron-clad. In fact in future relationships they need to be too. You know this. That is not a criticism and you shouldnt be bummed about it. It is another thing that you are on your way to and should be excited.

Another mistake I have made: you cannot make these changes to get him back. They have to be in the effort to be who you want to be. Just like any addict, if you do it for someone else, the changes will not last as you dont get the results that you want. Read back over your post. Are the things that you are saying sound like love, or do they sound like addiction? I dont doubt that you love him, but really think about where your wants are derived from. You are young. I know how hard these relationships are. I know how hard young love is. I promise, be the person you want to be professionally and personally. Do only that. Let him do what he needs to do without your concern. This is a very important time for you and if there is any time to be selfish it is now. Ill say it again and again and again. Be excited for where you can go (brings up memories of Dr. Suess :))

and think about whether more interaction with this man helps or hinders it in the long run. I just dont mean being with him, but managing the relationship that will have to be managed.

Be excited Be excited Be excited. You are on your way and you know it! the voice is quiet behind your pain, but you can force yourself to say it. Say it over and over and over. You are not lying to yourself, you are telling yourself the truth. You will eventually believe it.

Much love,

BO

Hi BO,

I'm glad that I was not the only one who tempted to execute the booty call thing.

Breakup during the holiday is extremely hard. On the day I left, I was not aware that Christmas is so so near.

Christmas this year is on a Tuesday, it is going to be on his day off. My best friend is traveling oversea, so I pretty much have no friends to hang out with (other friends are spending the day with their family). You will say "why not spending time with your family?" Yes, that's right. My family doesn't really celebrate for holidays... .I know they would like to do something with me on that day.

Thinking I'm going to need to spend a Christmas without him is extremely hard. I'm so tempted to ask him to spend that day together. He has no family here... .I just hate breaking up right before Christmas, I wasn't thinking about it at all!

I managed to go out to do things with friends in the meanwhile (before she goes on traveling) I have a very good friend who ended a 5 years relationship earlier this year, after the breakup, she has been the one who is always down to do things with me, and keep me accompany. Knowing that she's going to be gone for a week really put me under high stress (she's going to travel in oversea too, that means it's going to be difficult to get a hold of her)

You were right... .is it LOVE or it's an addiction? I think for me it's both. After many ugly truth has been reveal to me, I still cannot stop thinking that, what if one day we have both changed? Are things going to be different? Although I have ready many posts in this board, some people here reconnected with their BPD loved ones after decades, and it was still the same, or even worse... .I'm scared that I will become one of them... .

It's been 19 days now since the breakup... .I still cry everyday. When I hung out with friends, I could put him behind my head and forgot about him for a little bit, but when I'm alone again, I just feel so overwhelmed by my emotions. I'm so scared to be alone... .

The things I miss being with him are always the littlest things... .getting a butter finger and shared it together while watching our favorite TV shows. Reporting daily routine to each other, "what do you want for dinner?" "what do you want to do tonight?" I remember him asking me what I wanted for Christmas this year, and I told him "but I have no money to get you anything." he said, "you don't need to get me any thing. Just be nice to me, that's all I wanted."

Today I texted him, I said, I will stop texting him from now on because I knew that I'm crossing the boundaries again. He told me not to contact him, but I still do (he still will reply, not to every message. But he will text me and tell me he loves me too) I told him I'm going to have faith in him that he will always love me back, even I don't hear it everyday.

Breakup before Christmas is the worst choice ever. Everyone out there is so joyful and picking gifts for their loved ones, but I'm just so sad all the time.

As I write, I'm waiting for my friend to be done with her errands. I tried to work on my projects for school at home, but I was alone and I sunk back into those dark thoughts. So I called her up and asked her if she wanted to go study together at starbucks.

Yes, it's the best time for me to start my design career... .I have tons of work to do. I can't imagine being with him, fighting everyday, taking care of the house, and still need to be able to finish my school work... .but when I'm able to do all the things I couldn't do when I was with him, I found out I didn't enjoy doing them at all, they were not as fun as I thought... .I just couldn't really enjoy doing anything. I don't know if I'm going to be happy after I get what I want in my career path... the uncertainty certainly kills me slowly day by day.

Friends told me to delete his number... .I did, but I remember it in my head. I wish I could just forget... .I even asked him to change his email and phone number... .that way I will not be able to get a hold of him, even I want to.

Dont worry. 18 days aint nothing, and the lack of interest in stuff you thought you liked (design) is a normal response to grief and withdrawl. Don't sweat it. Remember to tell yourself that you are ok, that you were ok without him before and that there is no reason that you wont be ok without him now. Tell yourself whatever truths you have to. Just keep telling yourself. I will type this a thousand times till you believe me. Keep telling yourself. Self-affirmation, while seeming silly is a good way to remind yourself these things when you dont have someone else to remind you. Be your own best friend. You will feel a bevy of things. Accept them and allow yourself to feel them, but when you feel them taking control remember that you can get addicted to those feelings of sorrow and helplessness too. So tell your body what is and what you are going to do.

Remember that you are very early in your process and dont feel trapped or helpless. I have been on and off these boards for quite a while nowand I have seen so many people move past this. You will too. You have too much going for you to let someone else dictate your future. You are the only one who should or can do that!

I have nothing but faith in you :)

Be easy on yourself Meg  . Breakups are hard, I remember when I hit my "Wow I didn't cry today" day, and then "I have only cried 5 days this week", and then "Only twice" and so on. It just takes time lovely. Please create a safe and comforting space for yourself to grieve.

Are you seeing a therapist to help you deal with the pain, and then look into the things you would like to change about yourself for your next relationship?

Love Blazing Star

Hi Blazing Star... .

I just wonder when is this ever to end? I remember the last time I was single for 3 months before my ex started talking to me again (the relationship before this one. We broke up for 3 months and got back together, dated for another year and a half.)... .in that 3 months, I constantly tried to find things to do, I had no interest in anyone. The day my ex contacted me again, it was like the happiest day in my life... .when it really ended, I didn't regret that I chose to be back with him... .I guess that was because I got the second chance to do all the things we said we are going to do before the first breakup.

Now, it's X'mas. I remember we are talking about getting a little X'mas tree and decorate it at home. And that movie we have been wanting to watch 6 months ago, it finally came out, but we are no longer together. Things like this keep haunting me... .the lost dreams.


Somehow in the back of my head, this is not over, I'm still with him. It's odd, the relationship ended, I'm not with him anymore! But somehow I still feel like I'm with him... .Not being able to see him, hear his voice, and touch him is killing me. I miss having that little family and home with him. I don't even think about there will be a "next relationship"... .I'm crying again. I feel like if there is no family holding me back right now, I will definitely go back to him and "try" again... .

I pray to God every day that, God will help him to overcome his problems and my problems, maybe someday, someday in life, we can continue our relationship again... .

It had been 9 years since I was single, in 2004 I was single for a year, but there was someone that I really liked (so it felt like I was with someone). And in 2009, that was the last time I was single... .it lasted 3 months before the ex started talking to me again, and we dated for another year and a half before I met him... .

I keep jumping from a relationship to another relationship. I just don't know how to be single anymore. I know that I need to learn to be by myself, because eventually everyone will leave and there will be only me... .

DAY 20

I went out with some good friends last night, it was my first time out without him in over a year. It was really fun, I went home at 3AM. But on the way home, I cried again because I missed him. All my friends had a date but me. I didn't want one. Seeing how intimate they were, reminded me the time I was out with him, I wished he was there with me.

I slept all day today, and did not do anything. I was watching a TV show, it made me depress because there were "wives" and "husbands" in the show. I remember that night he was crying and telling me, all he wanted is have me to be his family... .why did it turn out this way? All I wanted was to have that family with him too. But reality is, we are both very dysfunctional people, we fought all the time when we were together. I remember he once was telling me how he was scared that when I would be angry and what would make me angry... .I felt the same way towards him... .

We texted each other once a day, just to say "I love you"... .it always needs to have distance to see how much we love each other, when we were together, we didn't see it, we doubted each other if the other person was not loving enough.

I had done so many things in the past week that I was unable to do with him, they were fun, but at the same time, they are not that fun. I'd rather being with him, and not doing any of those things, because right now this is hurting me so bad.

Meg... .I feel for you... .Christmas is almost upon us... .it's a very significant time of year for those who celebrate it and we will feel pain and loss for those who we wish were with us... .I appreciate why you are having a hard time of things... .I am dwelling on someone I wish was here with me... .it's painful   :'(

Going out with friends must be very difficult for you... .and it's also the best thing you could be doing right now  |iiii

There is a great phrase I read here when I first joined bpdfamily.com and was trying to push through some hard days... .

... ."Fake it til you make it"... .

I interpret that to mean getting on with the day to day... .still sharing your pain and heartache with people who you trust and can understand... .but MAKING yourself go through the motions of exercising, eating well, seeing friends etc... .even if you feel absolutely crappo on the inside... .acting opposite to your feelings will drag you through... .It's hard, but it works... .things will improve  |iiii

This is so hard. I kept flashing back the day I left. When he was screaming at me and demanded the apology, or else he's taking me back to my mom. I remember how heart broken I was, and what on earth that made me say "yes, take me back to my mom." Because I didn't want to continue, apologize for everything I did or did not do. Now this pain is so overwhelming, I miss him, I miss having that little family with him.

I'm actually going to see him tomorrow, he said he want to see our dog one last time. He loves our dog, she's like our baby. He cried so much when he mentioned our dog last time, he said that's his family, and he lost his family. I'm so heart broken, and scared how he is going to react tomorrow. Because in the past couple days, he stopped replying my text messages. I know it's normal, bc we can't keep having contact like this, I'm just scared how distance he will act toward me tomorrow when I see him. This might sound silly, but my horoscope for tomorrow tells me that someone is going to reveal his/her feelings to me in an obvious way, and it tells me it's okay to show how disappointed I am in front of this person. I'm really scared, I know some day he will date someone else, I just don't know how to face to that now. Having that thought is driving me insane... .I have no interest in anyone, not to mention to build a family with someone else. I felt like that part of me has died, and I could never feel the same for anyone anymore. It pretty much destroyed me to hope for someday I will be married and have a family. I don't want it now. I guess he's right, I am really going to be alone for the rest of my life.

Day 20 - pt2

I keep having thoughts that my goal now is to save up money, and someday I could run away with him... .if there's no family to hold me back right now, I would have returned to him a long time ago.

It feels so weird to call him as my "ex boyfriend", it feels so weird to realize that I am single again and he is single as well. I want this to work so bad, I want to be with him, it doesn't matter we don't have a lot in common, when we were good, we had fun, I love him, and he loves me too. All I wanted from him is happiness, and that was all. I don't need a huge diamond ring, fancy car, or a huge house. All I wanted was to have a little home, where we don't need to worry about how to get money to pay bills. I don't need to go on nice vacation every year, I don't need to have designer brands - that was what he thinks I wanted, he couldn't provide those to me that was why I was unhappy the whole time. It wasn't like that at all, he got that all wrong and he didn't believe in me.

I felt like I lost my purpose in life. I have no motivations to do anything. Do it for myself? I don't know how to do things for myself to make myself happy. I'm just an unhappy person in nature, I guess. I always need to please someone to exchange happiness. I miss him, this is an addiction... .and it sucks. I don't know who I am anymore. As the days pass by, the more I wanted him... .Why did we always need distance to see what's more important to us? Now I think back, everything I wanted to do when I was with him, I could do those things now, but I am not happy still, I want him. I'm like a kid crying for candy again, I don't care, I just want him, I don't want anyone or anything else. Career? Whatever, I don't want it, I want him, I can be a stay home mom, I was so happy to take care of him, I was so happy to organize the house and cook him meals, he always appreciated my cooking. I'm like a spoiled brat, I don't care I move everything out and caused a scene,  I want him back in my life, I want him to be a part of my life... .

I couldn't move forward -- no, I don't want to move forward.

Day 21

Went to see him today. He was mad because I was late again. I was always late.

Starting today I will go no contact with him completely. That's what he wants me to do as well. He said he hope i will learn how to love myself and figure out what I want in life. And, we could never be together again bc what we did to each other, and that caused my family to hate him. He doesn't want me to be in the middle to choose him or my parents. He told me to leave him alone because my texts distracted him so much and interfere his work. He was right, I only think about how I feel, without thinking he's hurting too. And I was the one who had no faith in him and left. He was right. He knew me so well, and he cried again. Before I left, he held me tightly and he was crying. I didn't cry, I felt numb, I just wanted to leave there. Before I left, I told him "I will do those things, if I love you."  I turned around and didn't look back.

I felt like the part of me has completely died today. From now on, the minute I walked away, I decided to really put into actions, try to be a happier person and live my life. I feel like I have lost the one true love I have had. But I keep telling myself, I need to be strong, this is my life, I was okay to live without him before I met him, so now I could still do the same. I keep telling myself that I'm a strong person, I will be happy and have a bright future without depending on anyone.

Two days before Xmas, I felt like our relationship officially ended today. From now on I'm by myself, and I will love myself this time, genuinely.

I understand your feelings. It is a very sad time. What can you do to be less depressed and isolated? 

Thank you for all of your kind words!

I stop posting here because I start to feel better.

Day 30

School finally started yesterday. I was feeling great when I was in school, I didn't think anything about my ex at all. I guess school is my ultimate place to get away from all the sadness and stress.

I didn't go out on X'mas eve and X'mas. On new year's eve I went out of town with my mother and some of her friends to visit my cousin. It is weird that now it's 2013. 2012 has just gone way too fast, and it was chaotic. I'm just glad it's gone now. I decided to try to live to the fullest in 2013. Become someone who I will admire.

I started doing more design work after being so unproductive and depress from the last 3 weeks. A published author who I knew from the past contacted me, and I offered to make a book cover design with no cost for him, (last year I was going to make him one, but all the fights and everything stopped me from finishing the work. I felt guilty so I offered him a design with no cost. It's going to be published thus it is going to look nice on my resume as well.)

I am meeting with the lady from my school's career service tomorrow to talk about an internship opportunity at a marketing company. I have submitted the application at the big corporation I mentioned before, but I'm not going to just wait on that. I need to get my career going since there is only one month left until my graduation.

Ex texted me both on X'mas and New year. I still have contact with him, but I only see him once a week when I take the dog over to let him see the dog. Besides that we have no communication at all. He still gave me a hard time sometimes, but I learn to just validate him and not to defense myself at all - now I finally understand there's no way to defense myself, and it only put myself in a worse spot. I don't plan to go back with him, I like how it is right now. He cries every time when I leave. I just feel sorry for him, but that is not enough to make me want to go back. I don't want to go back, I don't know how long this is going to last, but I'm not going to think too much at this point, I'll deal with it when that day comes. I just know that I don't want to go back to him, unless he is completely changed - which is very unlikely.

BOOM! Big Corner turned! Congrats on the book cover. Those are tons of fun! I understand why you wanted to do it for free, but to quote the Joker in the Dark Knight, "When you're good at something, never do it for free." Figure out what a "student rate" for you would be appealing to both get the work you want to build your portfolio, and get you some money. Gotta make that paper (did I really just say that?).

It's good that you have made a concrete decision on what you want as far as your ex goes, but you still have some questions you should ask. What is the real purpose of the dog visits? What are you getting out of it really? What is he really getting out of it? I dont mean these in any nefarious ways, but if he cries every time you leave, is this really good for him? Is he really ready for this LC? Now Im not saying be concerned with what is good for him, only for yourself. Yet, you should really take a look at what is going on objectively. I dont have the answers for you, just questions.

You sound like you're doing really great. That is awesome. Keep it up, but stay mindful. I know that often, right as I started to get my confidence back, I became vulnerable and short-sided.

  DIM

this are good news! So great you found your way toward healing and to creativity!  |iiii

And you could shift your attention from the past to the future, by submitting an application. I will keep my fingers crossed.  :)

Keep going like this.

Good news. Sounds like you are doing better. Too much time to dwell on our hurt feelings can be very counterproductive. Glad being busy is helping you. I don't really see a problem with the limited contact. It seems like it is helping you ease out of it. When our illusions are shattered a bit of limited contact can help reinforce our new found reality.  |iiii