BPDFamily.com

Hi all, happy new year!

Please give me some advice. When I met my BPD gf, I told her I would do anything for her. And I did, I kept up with all of her demands. But her demands started to become ridiculous, and I finally realized that in order for me to stay sane, I need to have at least some boundaries. So, for the first time, I stood up for myself. Like I said in my previous posts, she made a demand, and I said that I will not do it, because I need respect. And of course I said it in a very understanding way, I told her that I Love her, that I understand that she's going through a lot, but I need respect.

I spent New Year's without her (she was ignoring me), and I e-mailed her wishing her a Happy New Year. Now, I'm getting a slurry of hate e-mails from her. She's telling me that I promised I would do everything for her, but I lied. And according to her understanding, I abandoned her as a result of not doing everything she wants me to do. She uses her BPD as a shield. She says "you know I have BPD, you know how hard it is for me, but you're not willing to do everything you can to make me happy. Instead, you broke me, and now I'm depressed." She's blaming me for giving her hope, and then taking it away from her.

I know, this is typical BPD behavior, but I DID promise that I would do anything it took to be with her and make her happy, so I DID lie to her because now I'm not willing to go with her every demand. (Of course that at the time I said that, I had no idea what BPD was, and where our relationship was headed. I had absolutely no idea she was going to start making extremely ridiculous demands.)

I cant help feeling guilty, bc I die lie to her. Maybe she's right, I gave her hope and then let her down. Do you think I should feel guilty. Be honest. Maybe I should apologize to her.  She is trying after all. She's working through a DBT workbook, and talking to another pwBPD online for support.

I cant help feeling such guilt!

Also, I'm practicing JADE, but is there anything I can tell her to reassure her. Every time I try to reassure her that I Love her and will not abandon her, she explodes at me, tells me I'm a liar, and that I have already abandoned her in her eyes. Is there anything I can do/say?

I feel so guilty and so powerless  Please help!

Hello again, mate. I've only recently been walking in your shoes - and I've come a long way since then in quite a short amount of time. I attribute a lot of my success to reading books and gaining invaluable insights and strategies. I can only recommend you do the same. There is somewhat of a theme resounding from your posts (I'm not stalking you :P ) and my (unqualified) conclusion is that you are very co-dependent. The fear of losing your partner has total dominion over you. This is not unusual for partner's of BPDs. The years of abuse and devaluation can severely impact on our self confidence.

I can personally recommend a few fantastic books: Stop Walking on Eggshells.

Codependent No More - by Melody Beattie.

Self-Esteem by Matthew McKay and Patrick Fanning.

From what I can tell, you're not yet in a strong enough place to start erecting boundaries successfully. You need to work on becoming emotionally independent. You'll be surprised how enlightening these books can be. A couple of days of reading could completely change your life.

This is an excellent thread, if you have not read it. It may help you.

SELF-AWARE: What it means to be in the "FOG" (https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog)

Giving in to neediness is not the same as doing what is best for her, An extreme example if she is feeling suicidal and asked you to go get the caustic Soda so she could drink it and burn her insides out, would you? Of course you wouldn't, and you wouldn't feel like you were letting her down.

Doing things to make her happy in the long term is doing things that improve your relationship. This often does mean boundaries and blocking her immediate neediness.

If she was your 4 year old daughter you would want to do everything you could so she had a safe and happy childhood. That is not the same as giving in to every tantrum and demand.

Dont allow a diagnosed mentally ill person to dictate what is right and what is wrong. You are the leader in the RS whether you like it or not. You have to make the tough calls, and she will fight them and try to twist you, because she is mentally ill and not capable of making those responsible decisions.

No matter how RIGHT your arguments are, a BPD can ALWAYS find a way to prove them wrong if they want to.

Good you stood up for yourself, but I feel a tinge of sadness for you that you feel guilty. You should not - you are improving a relationship for yourself and for her sake, you are teaching her coping and life skills whether you intended to or not ... .  and you are still there for her! It's more than most people who ever do ... .  as much as I am aware of the high and lows of living with someone with BPD (my sister), I still question why people stay in relationships with them. Don't lose yourself. It doesn't have to be this way.

It IS typical BPD behaviour, and I'm sure you know it already, cska, pwBPDs are very good with shifting blame.  So much so that we as nons actually feel guilty for whatever we have done/ failed to do.  You did the best you could at that time.  No, it wasn't the same as doing something for her instant gratification (what she considers to "make her happy", and no, she will not understand it now.  But you are doing the right thing by starting boundaries.  Took me a long while to get started, but it helps, and even though it will not be appreciated, you will be protecting yourself and her too.

If you focus on the literal meaning of your words, of course you will feel bad. I'm sure you didn't know what you were signing up for.

She lives in a black and white world of right and wrong.

She doesn't see grey.

If you join her in her world, all is lost... .  

For both of you to survive you need to be the strong role model...

The partner who can look beyond the demands to the long term impacts.

An essential family guide to BPD is a great book

Also, get out of your mind and into your life