BPDFamily.com

My daughter(22) forms intense relationships with those she meets.  It is usually guys she tends toward and they are usually thought of as "brothers" or "father" figures. It is always innocent, but to extremes where she has such great feeling toward them that it can be all consuming.  Especially, when they start backing off some, and she doesn't hear from them as often.  Then her phone never leaves her side, even throught the night, and everytime she hears her email or text tone she frantically checks her phone.

My question in this is what stance should I take?  How far should I go in supporting these relationships that to me seem to do more harm to her than good?  They even interfere with her counseling and desire to get better since she can think of nothing else at times.  I don't interfere but I don't encourage contact either.  Occasionally, she will ask me to take her to visit one of them... .  So far they have been distant enough that I can get out of it.  Since I don't really know how the other person feels about a visit either, I usually tell her that they may prefer to stay in touch by email.  I have been trying to learn to validate her feelings about this.  Suggestions in this area helpful, also.  I am in the retraining myself on how to talk stage... .  ugh

She is starting her DBT this coming week, so hope that will help her with some skills in maintaining HEALTHY relationships.  But, this has been a real issue for the past year, as every hospital stay or group she comes home with more phone #'s and "brothes"... .      Most short lived, but a couple quite long and powerful force in her life, though they keep a safe distance which kills her.   Help!

It seems good that they are keeping a safe distance. I can tell you a story where my dd got sucked in by a very charming drug addicted sociopath who owned guns & whose parents taught him to hunt; and she was in such a very dangerously abusive and unhealthy relationship that we had to hospitalize her to get her out of it. He even proposed to her & was trying to trap her by getting her pregnant. It was like Stockholm Syndrome. They are very vulnerable. DBT will probably help with her relationships. They seem to push relationships too intensely and too fast, always starting out as a "friend." The amount & content of texting can be very unhealthy.

It seems like you do not have to intervene in the ones she's had. The obsessions seem pretty standard for BPD. Group DBT & encouraging outings with girl friends is important. We are not allowing any more "boyfriends" into our home we are so burned out from this.

Be careful of any associations with boys that involve substances - they can be very sneaky and use such to control & manipulate, even using addictive substances to lead to sex and prostitution. Boys sense the girls that are weak and needy & they take advantage of them.

All the best to you.

Not to over- analyze but it sounds like your dd is trying to "complete herself" via other people.  I guess my 2 cents is that if she if that obsessed as you describe- and she is going to start DBT - it might be best for you to not intervene.   I hope for her sake she will learn healthier behaviors once in the DBT program. 

Dear Sam, My d. is 20 and also shares this trait of intense, unhealthy relationships. The reality is that our kids are adults, at least legally. There is nothing that we can do to control their relationships. Its hard to let go for fear that they will be harmed.  I did let go a while ago and now we validate her positive relationships and focus on those. We completely stay out of unhealthy ones in conversation or activity. If she wants to converse about one of her negative relationships, I play Wise Mind or do not engage at all. If we are talking about something positive, I am validating. I hope that helps.

Being Mindful

Thanks for the experiences and tips.  I like the idea of not supporting unhealthy relationships by not discussing them etc showing that I in no way condone them.  To me it almost seems like all relationships are a ticking time bomb ready to send her into crisis as soon as they start cooling off or are not readily available.  She doesn't get angry, just sad and anxious and caught up in thoughts that can get to point of her being suicidal and back in hospital... .  where she inevitably meets more poeple.  One time in the state hospital a bad guy latched on to her and it looked very grim for awhile, but she even saw how bad he was and broke off contact.  She was well aware I in no way could support that and that he would not be welcome here at home.  So of course I was the enemy for a time.  I guess I wonder how far to go on supporting any friendship she has since most lead to same place... .     She has some good friends that are constants, and I always encourage her to go to them.  It's the new ones and the males I dread.  When she wants to be mad at me, she will bring these friends I don't approve of up.  Guess this is where I practice setting limits for myself with her.  What to say, what to say!  This is the hard part for me, is re-learning how to talk to her so I don't create problems, but can help smooth things over. 

Dear sam,

You have gotten some very good perspectives from the other moms!  All valid and worthy of consideration regarding your level of involvement, what/how to communicate your concerns within your own healthy limits.  It is all relevant.

I would like to add to the food for thought.

Validate:  "I understand the need for companionship, we all have that need".

Communicate care and concern: "I just hope you are not overly invested too quickly.  I wouldn't want you to get your feelings hurt. Developing true friendships take time."

Reinforce the positive:  "I  like your friend Lisa.  She seems to want the best for you.  I hope you are keeping her close."

Ask validating questions: ":)o you think that this relationship is mutually beneficial?" or "How do you think this relationship meets your needs?" or ":)o you think you are living a balanced life?"... .  which hopefully will lead to a conversation about what "living a balanced life" looks like. and "Tell me about George.  Is there something about him that causes you to want to form a relationship with him?"

These are all non judgemental questions that provoke thought, reveal her feelings and needs, and have the potential to open up a line of communication while showing your interest and concern.

Hope this helps

lbj

Thank you lbjnltx for the suggested conversation.  This is just what I need.  I have also discovered some other helpful places here on the site beside the blogs which I have just begun to read.  I can tell a difference already since I am changing the way I think and talk to by daughter.  I will continue to learn... .  and it will be easier with the help here.  :)

lbjnltx, I find these sample dialogue options so incredibly helpful. Can you please come live inside my head for a while?

Thanks!

Glad to help sam!

These validating questions and non judgemental and validating phrases are based on what I learned in this book:

"I Don't Have To Make Everything All Better" by Gary and Joy Lundberg

Here is a link to the book review:


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=128027.0

If there was one single book that I would recommend to anyone with children of any mindset or personality it would be this one!

Sunshine... .  I can't "live inside your head"... .  all of you live inside my heart.

lbj