Title: His gift to me Post by: smartwoman220 on January 10, 2013, 09:18:38 PM So... . I finally completely cleaned out the house. I went by myself to finish up the final cleaning. I needed to do it alone. I cried a little. But mostly I sang.
I have so much to be thankful for. Spell told me that pain I was feeling was my blessing and my gift, but it would feel like my curse in the beginning. Well Spell, you were absolutely right... . I've been pretty much on my own for quite some time. My relationship with my son's dad was tumultuous, to say the least. He was broken too. He was a lot like my BPD, only more mild mannered. We lived together for the last year and a half of our relationship, but we ALWAYS had drama. Hindsight is 20/20... . I honestly believe that he has BPD tendencies as well. When ever things got tough, he would jump ship, only to waive the white flag when I had dug us out of the hole. Our break up was very long and drawn out. And when it was really over, he gave me hell. When I began dating my BPD, My son's dad and I had been officially broken up for around 6 months. He was making my life miserable, since we were not together and I had to deal with him because of our child. I hated my life at the time. I was so lonely and under a constant cloud. I had forgotten who I was, and was only doing things ( buying clothes, going places) for my baby. And I was struggling. Big time. I wasn't getting any child support, and I had just lost my job just before Christmas. My BPD came at a time when I was looking for something. And boy, when showed up, he showed out. I was glowing again, I felt pretty, I felt like the 20-something I was. I had never, ever been happier with anyone else. I couldn't stop smiling, we couldn't stop touching each other, we were constantly on the go ... . wow :) The two of them NEVER got along. Some times it felt like I was in high school dealing with them. My BPD would go thru my phone and take his number out, and they would call and threaten each other. My sons father would just pop up and randomly start stuff... . They stressed me out big time. But hey, I guess they recognized each other for what or who, they were. And the competition for mommy's attention was on ( that's how I feel about it now) Needless to say, you guys know how things went with me and him. I came out of this not only wounded in my head and my heart, but also in my pocket. I had absolutely no clue where to start pulling my self back together. Its a damn shame too, because i make decent money. I must say... . in all honesty, I got it going on! lol So I was chatting with the DV counselor, and told her what was going on, and she referred me to a life coaching program to help me get back on track. I'll have a life coach/ counselor, a therapist and legal advocate for 2 years, as long as I am compliant with the program rules. We met today, and we are going to focus on my "economic" set backs, as well as my co-dependency issues. My son will also get therapy, even though he didn't witness any of the physical abuse, he has heard way more than a little guy should have. One of the rules is, setting the environment for change. That wasn't a problem, since I was planning on moving any way, but they wanted me to leave my big stuff, so I could start fresh. Now this scared me. My furniture isn't brand new, but it was mine. And, for a while, it was all I had. And I have soo many ( delicious) memories connected to those things So I was reluctant. Some thing inside me told me to go ahead and let it go... . So I did. A family is moving in to my sub division, and apparently, they recently lost everything in a house fire. I got in contact with them thru the community center, and they were able to get the stuff today ( our bedroom sets, my kitchenette, sofa,love seat and armoire). I called my coach after I had made the arrangements ( talk about stepping out on faith!) and she asked me how I felt. I was very honest... . I'm scared out of my mind. That when she told me she was going to make sure my new place was fully furnished. I never expected so many wonderful blessings. My pain is slowing turning in to my gifts . I have tried things my own way for so long, and I just couldn't get it right. I was so afraid of being "alone", that I completely overlooked my family and friends who were by my side all the time. I felt like I needed a partner, especially since I was getting older. So I'm ready to try something totally new. Yes, I held my breath before I jumped, but already, things are looking up. OH, one of the other rules is... . IF by CHANCE I run in to him, then it is my choice whether or not I speak with him, HOWEVER, if he finds out where I live, they will abort the mission :) They have his name and description, and they will have a police patrol the area where I live to make sure I am safe and to look out for him ( since he had been following me). My feelings for him are not completely shut off. When things slow down at night, I think about him. When I see my sister and her hubby cuddle up, I miss him. When I was cleaning out our house, and throwing his things away ( his mom told me he didn't want them anymore, which was weird since his home boy has been calling and asking my friend to pick them up... . I mean what? That BPD flip flop ... . lol) I could feel him. But like my life coach said... . right now is the time to be selfish. I've never been that with any one. I am, however, ready to try. Title: Re: His gift to me Post by: ambi on January 10, 2013, 09:51:10 PM Just wanted to say this was a great post. Life coaching sounds very interesting. Congratulations on taking the next step in your journey. :)
Title: Re: His gift to me Post by: smartwoman220 on January 10, 2013, 10:02:13 PM Thank you Ambi! my family thinks this a little odd. My folks don't believe in counseling or my ex's mental illness. They feel like I should just hate him, suck it up, and just swallow it as if he was just a do nothing low life who played the game really well, and made a fool of me.
So they think I'm nuts ... . lol But i am honestly excited about seeing how this turns out :). I do keep thinking about, and hoping that, something happens to him to force him to get the help he needs. I hate to think about myself getting well, and him still being sick, and it makes me sad. I really hope he is ok. Title: Re: His gift to me Post by: myself on January 10, 2013, 11:23:46 PM right now is the time to be selfish. I've never been that with any one. Same here, good for us. 'Selfish'= Self Focused. YES it's time. Now is the time. It's Now right now. This is a gift we are sharing with Ourselves. I hate to think about myself getting well, and him still being sick, and it makes me sad. This is the gift of compassion, which you'll continue sharing. With Yourself, now, as well. You need this too. 'His Gift To You' including the chance to be in the light you're seeing this in. What a gift, the offering of our love. Another: To be able to receive it. Sorry for your pains, but encouraged, inspired, and happy for your healing. |