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I have noticed this before and had a conversation with someone yesterday and now on another post .  It seems to me that many of our kids are either Bisexual or gay.  I don't have a problem with this and frankly could not care less as long as my DD is happy, but it just seems to be a thread that runs through so many of our children's lives.  In my case DD never said anything about being bisexual until she was almost 16.  Prior to this she had a boyfriend for over a year and right not long after they broke up did her life take a complete turn.  Once DD had started to suffer from anxiety, depression and self harm she went from being an extremely well liked kid in school to an outcast.  The kids teased her, made fun of her and shunned her.  I have never seen someone treated so horribly and bullied, although now I know it happens all the time.

In the middle of all of this DD announced that she was bisexual.  At first I thought she was doing it for attention.  Then I wondered if she was just trying to find a place to fit in or if this was something she always knew and just kept inside.  I guess it is safe to let anything out if you are already treated like a leper.  Anyway she has been with her current boyfriend for over two years now but still refers to herself as bisexual.  She know my dh and accept this and she is free to be who she is.  It just seems to me that so many of our kids are in fact bisexual, gay or pansexual and I wonder if there is any correlation.

Any thoughts?

Griz

Sorry, I also wanted to add that while DD and I were attending DBT almost all of the kids in the group were also either bisexual or gay.

Griz

I have noticed that my almost 15dd goes which ever way the wind blows.  If her current (and always fleeting) BFF is bisexual then so is she, lesbian then so is she, straight... .  so is she. I always assumed it was part of her identity issues but you bring up a good question.  Will look forward to what others have to say.

I think this is a valid observation. I suspect it has less to do with an actual left-of-center sexual identity and more to do with an unstable sense of self, a need to try on different identities for size to see if they feel more natural. Also if you're trying to figure out what makes you different from everyone around you, you might seize onto the idea of being gay or bisexual to explain that feeling of being not like everyone else.

Adolescents is a time when one questions ones' own sexuality.  It is a normal part of growing up.  When the unstable sense of self is present they become more likely to experiment.  Also, their peer groups can be extremely judgemental of homosexuals making them outcasts.  This can cause low self image... .  along comes another person with low self image... .  like an adolescent with BPD, who wants nothing more than to be accepted into a peer group (of girls... .  as they are shunned by them).  The homosexual accepts the pwBPD.  The unstable sense of self and identity compounded by the turmoil of adolescents is a recipe for the pwBPD to take on the characteristics of their peers that accept them.

That's how I see the cycle begin and develop.  It may not last.  It is good that they are not judged... .  just loved and accepted.  The intense shame pwBPD often feel certainly doesn't need any fuel.

Such interesting observations... .  thanks

Griz

Griz you made my hair stand on end!  Not because of sexual preference, but my 14  nBPD just came out to me as bisexual and she is exhibiting NONE of the BPD signs. I am happy about this obviously, but I don't know about anyone else but I am watching my other three kids like one would watch a suspicious package for signs of BPD... .    Fortunately I was very cool with her announcement, but this will make me wonder... .  Is she going to do it too?  I mean get sick. Sorry for my rambling everyone, I have had a bad few days.

We know an unstable sense of self is fundamental in the criteria, as such this is reasonable.

Overall, there is a much larger acceptance of bisexual label in teens than there was 20 years ago.  In music, Katy Perry gained fame with "I kissed a girl and I liked it"

Adolescence is the time for figuring out sexual identity... .  without the taboo... .  more teens feel ok with a bisexual label, I don't necessarily relate it to BPD, but it would fit into the unstable sense of self part of the criteria.

Thank you. I just don't know how I could survive her going off the rails as her sister has.  I congratulated her on her ability to be so self-aware at her age.  I am especially spooky right now as my BPDd15 has just been admitted for her first ever psych stay. I am certainly feeling a little paranoid about BPD and its way of slipping into your life... .  But am perfectly comfortable with the sexuality of the 14 year old. Just not ready to have another go down the BPD road.

I did read this about pwBPD at the beginning when I first researched BPD. I really do not believe my dd is gay. In fact if you ask her what she thinks about that she has very strong views and really hates it.

She did tell me that everyone in the psych unit was gay though, she also said all of their parents were divorced. Interesting. Yet look at really poor kids in other countries, they cope ok mostly. So who knows, interesting though.

heronbird:  I am certain that all are not gay or bisexual. I was just wondering if it seemed to be a common thing.  What is it your daughter hates.  Is it the idea of alternate life styles?  Is it a religious belief? or black and white thinking.

trainwreck4:  I can see how you would be worried about your d14 or any other children.  We are all so sensitive and have been through so much with our kids that the thought of another child going down the BPD road would scare all of us.  It sounds like you handled your daughters sexuality wonderfully.  What better than when a child knows that their parents love is unconditional.

Griz

Thank you Griz. I have no misgivings about her sexuality at all!  I am really looking at people within my family without rose-coloured glasses and would not wish this BPD on anyone.  Thank you for not being offended at my paranoia... .  :)

Trainwrecked:

I would never be offended and really understand.  It seems like I am also checking on the behavior of everyone around me.  On a funny note I meant to mention that your statement "watching like a suspicious package" did make me giggle.  I can't stop thinking of my family members as suspicious packages. 

Griz

My daughter has not said anything to me about her sexual preference but recently I observed her hanging around a young gilr at a volleyball game and she was gay... .  she looked just like a boy that I really didn't beleive that she was a girl. This young girl was drawn to my daughter and stuck with her the whole night and my daughter seemed to enjoy the attention. Could it be that our BPD kids like to experiment and sex is just another experiement to them? These kids want to try everything and they like to mimick who they are with.

My DD26 had a very serious r/s with a transgender girl when she was 15 - the girl dressed like a boy, used a male version of her name, etc. We did now 'know' he was a she until the middle of their r/s. It was starnge when I accompained DD to the high school graduation and everyone used the female name. We thought of her as a him. Dd admitted later that she was trying to get to us with this r/s. I believe this was only part of the answer.

I was actually very open minded about this - her first 'bf'. And releived there was no risk of pregnancy! This fell apart after about 9 months and the 'bf' got very depressed. Breaking up is so hard for her to do - often ends up in domestice abuse or violence that she is very much a part of, though she has just recently begun seeing her part in all this.

She seems to be showing signs of some good basic values and learning to set some boudnaries for herself. I am so proud of her in this.

qcr  

ps. as far as I know, this was her only serious r/s from a bisexual perspective.

My daughter (16) has also toyed with the idea that she may be be bisexual. I think these kids are looking so desperately for a place to fit in and feel that the gay community is more accepting of what's not " the norm" that they feel that's where they belong.

I don't care what sexual orientation she identifies with. As long as she's happy and finds someone with whom to share her life with and doesn't live with me forever!

Peace

AV

I know I'm late to the party here, but wanted to add that my daughter has informed me that there are a lot of lesbian/bisexual girls in her treatment center, and hinted around that she may be interested in them. There was another time where she told me that she had "gender identity" issues.   

She's confused and doesn't have an identity of her own so who knows.  Hopefully in time, she'll figure it out.

I was just listening to Blaise Aguirre, psychiatrist at McLeans on the Adolescent BPD unit.  He says that gender isn't the issue, rather it is the immense need pwBPD have for connection.  What appears to be sexual, is about being close to someone, physical, emotional, psychological closeness. 

Interesting... .  

Reality

That makes so much sense.  I feeling to belong, where ever they might find it. 

I wish she knew how much she belongs here.

Griz