BPDFamily.com

Hi all. Sorry that this got long... .  maybe I just need to get it all out in the universe to 'cleanse' myself. Been awhile since I have posted. I was in the Undecided board, but uBPDso and I are back together, but I think what really keeps the peace is that he travels alot. I like it when he is home, but he is so scattered (I am more organized) and breaks my routine with me and our DS, that I am glad when he goes on another trip to I can decompress and put everything 'back'!

A little history. I had a really bad experience with prenatal and postpartum depression. It was bad. I raged, cried, hated, feared. Needless to say, therapy and drugs saved my life. My poor SO was not treated well during that period, I blamed him alot for my PPD. But during that period, his BPD started to emerge. Rage, lies (lots and lots of lies), his inability to answer honestly to the simplest question, hate me/love me changes. My PPD treatment has worked. I don't rage, I don't hate. I still get sad at times, but therapy has taught me how to manage it. And like anyone, I still get angry at times, but I don't rage.

The most recent example is the Can Opener. Something so simple. BPDso left for a trip, so I spent a day having to clean up after him. I'll admit, the resentment builds. DS was getting hungry, so I wanted to make tuna salad. Opened the drawer for the can opener, no can opener. I tore that kitchen apart for the can opener (30 minutes or so), thinkin SO just put it with the plates or cups (he does that).

Finally I called and asked (with DS crying because he was hungry), "Hon, have you seen the can opener? I

can't find it." 

SO-"Ummmmmm, well I took it to the workshop. Yah, Yah, I dropped it in the bucket outside the workshop."

Me, frustrated. "Why is it in the workshop?"

SO-"I was opening cans to attract the coyotes" (we are having to trap coyotes on our farm right now)

Me - "OK, well this is really frustrating for me! I feel like I am always having to track essentials down and kitchen utensils don't need to leave the kitchen. If they do, they needed to return immediately."

SO - ":)on't yell!"

Me- "I am not yelling, I am frustrated. This wastes alot of time for me."

Anyway. My issue isn't this exact conversation... .  it is how it was perceived. Today my SO announced that he still doesn't tell me things (hence, lies... .  but he feels if he doesn't tell me, then it isn't lying) because he is scared of me. I.E. how I yelled at him about the can opener.

I'll admit. I am a take charge person and SO is probably feeling a little 'demeaned' because i have taken charge of his finances (not because I want to, but because his debt was getting out of hand). I am animated when I talk (use my hands) and when I get excited I talk louder. But SO is always telling me that I yell. I really feel that if I talk in a whisper, he would still think I am yelling. And then his assessment that he is scared of me. When he says that, it makes me feel like he sees me as an abuser. And then I question if maybe I am the one with BPD.

SO's description of me is not isolated. I have watched him "roll over" many times with others out of fear. His mom just has to say, "Give me (or grandmother, my friend, your stepdad) money." And he will just hand the cash over so they won't get mad at him. Happens with his friends too. (We are self employed) He often gives his friend 'freebies' to make them like him more (of course, when the friend doesn't return the favor, then he hates them and they are evil).

Is this normal in BPD? To victimize oneself by accusing others as being scary? Any suggestions how I can change my behaviour? My therapist and I have worked on changing how I react to him, but after awhile I can't change any more. Am I really yelling? But don't I have a right to get angry at times (especially when it is his actions that time-suck my day)?

Thanks for listening.

D

What is similar to my husband is that he always finds a way to be Victimized. He doesn't get scared of people though. He does however feel the need to please or he feels pressured to do things. Such as, he was actually at a DBT group therapy session and one of them invited everyone out to a bar. My husband didn't want to go but he didn't want to say no so he went even though he didn't want to. Those are the kinds of things he does. After staying too long at the bar and never comming home that night he did find a way to make it someone elses fault. It was all his fault, I don't understand how they can do something and find a way to blame it on someone else. Anyways, I think this is his way of not being blamed for something. If he feels like you are attacking him in any way, you could be wispering but you were still attacking him. You have to learn how to talk to him without attacking words. I have noticed exact sentences that make my husband turn on me, accusing statments should always be avoided.

Looking through your supposidly yelling statement about the can opener. I would pin point the moment you told him you were frustraited. You were basically giving him an order that if he takes something he should return it and since he took it, he did something wrong.  He doesn't like to be told that he did something wrong. I could see how he could see it as you yelling at him. Of course you weren't yelling but he sees it that way.

My husband for instance tells me I am yelling a lot of the time when I am doing no such thing. He will also tell me I am being btchy when I hadn't btched about anything. Apparently he is reading the expressions on my face. We have had fights because of the expression on my face read btch to him. It couldn't just be that I was tierd and worn out or something. That's why I think when something small like you confronting him about the can opener can feel much larger to him.

Its great that you were able to seek out help for your PPD  :)

It sounds like two things going on - your resentment and his sensitivity.

Resentment will destroy a relationship if not addressed. The solution seems counter intuitive - radical acceptance -or willingness - to have him and love him as he is. Not to try and change him. We can't change other people. Trying to change a person is like trying to get a duck to bark. It only frustrates "you" and pisses off the duck... .  

His sensitivity can be addressed by using other com methods, such as SET, or GIFT, and using lots of validation. Any invalidation will scare him.

Boy, do I recognise this. I've tried making a conscious effort to smile and have a pleasant look on my face as much as possible, but in the end it's just not feasible. And not healthy. So now when he gets all worked up wrongly interpreting the expression on my face as btchy, I try validating some. If it doesn't work I just leave him be. My stuff, his stuff... .  

Sometimes people with BPD cast themselves in the role of the victim for a variety of reasons.  Maybe he is hearing your frustration as anger and therefore "yelling." 

Definitely check out Lesson 3, which deals with communication tools.

Yes, you have a right to feel angry and frustrated.  But remember, he also has a right to feel afraid.  You each have a right to your feelings, and it's great that you are looking for new ways to communicate with him.

Agree with briefcase.  They like to be seen as victims.  You know, if they're the victims somebody must be in the prosecutor role, and therefore THEY are to blame, right?

From personal experience, my H likes to say he's scared of me, he doesn't trust me... .  etc., particularly if I tell him something he does makes me scared (like the way he shouted at me in the past).  He would immediately say, "I'm even more scared of you."  I think it may be another way of turning the blame away from himself. 

Thanks all! It just really bothered me and made me question who I am as a person when he said, "He is scared of me." Especially when I have been told by many parents that I am an incredibly calm,patient person, as a teacher.

I have gotten much better about letting his 'issues', especially his disorganization, roll off my back. It just gets hard when I have deadlines, our DS to care for and all his stuff to clean up after! And I beat myself up more, because it is always a little, tiny thing that puts me over the edge. I can ignore him leaving his wallet at restaurants multiple times, but then the can opener makes me want to confront him. My counselor and I have talked about this a lot. She agrees I have made progress, but maybe we are hitting a point where some couples counseling would help. SO has agreed to that, we just have to get to a point where we are in the same place!

I did suggest later that the two of us set a new year's resolution that BOTH of us put things back where they belong, or where we found them. He liked that idea, I think because it puts me in the 'blame' as well.

Again, thanks for the points, thoughts, ideas, etc. Everyone's view is appreciated!

"I did suggest later that the two of us set a new year's resolution that BOTH of us put things back where they belong, or where we found them. He liked that idea, I think because it puts me in the 'blame' as well."

That seems to be a theme song for me now.  It's a crazy little game that I feel I must play, but in order for him not to feel that he's "bad" I have to be "bad" just a little bit too.  He says that I'm so much better than him at everything, but when he's raging, I'm portrayed as absolute worm sweat!  I'm not perfect... .  I don't care to be... .  but it seems that he needs to see me of less of a threat to his ego in order for him to feel less insecure.  I'll gladly oblige... .  keeps me off the hook of perfection :)