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I have been hanging around the boards, reading posts and workshops for a while now. I have been putting a lot of the information into practice and he is a lot more regulated now. This is my first post... .  We even had a successful camping trip where he was social!

Well I am having problems with what to say when he is dis regulated. If I ignore him he takes that as invalidating. So I have used a lot of validation (https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation) of his feelings, and acknowledging the mistakes I am making... .  

We had an incident when we were camping and this is an example of similar instances that happen all the time... .  I packed up the camp stuff for the night, it was late and I had minimal light so the items were not put back neat. In the morning he was angry and I validated his feelings, apologised and tried to explain... .  

He told me

'if u were sorry, then u wouldn't do it'

also

'U must be trying to make me angry. It's cause and effect. You don't put it back neat, then u know I get angry, so u r making me angry on purpose'

Now obviously neither is true. Things get messy and out of place and need to be tidied, things happen and I can't do it straight away (like this instance). I am genuinely sorry for how it makes him feel, but I also don't want to run around all the time and 'walk on egg shells' anymore. And obviously I am not trying to make him angry either. He is projecting his feelings onto me... .  

So how else can I respond?

How can I still acknowledge his feelings, acknowledge the parts I did wrong, but keep my boundaries and have a better outcome for this type of scenario?

We have an acronym: JADE. To remind us not to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. Since that rarely helps anything.

How could you respond?  Well, nothing you can do can control his reactions. His reactions are up to him, not you.

Validation involves feelings, not facts.

E.g.

"You sound pretty upset. Yeah, it is annoying when things are messy."

See what's happening there?  You are acknowledging that his emotion makes sense. But you are not apologizing, or arguing, or agreeing about blame, or any of that.

If he pushes it into blame, disengage. Leave the scene. He won't like that - he wants you to stand there and take the blame - but his likes are not the king of the universe.

You don't have to stay in a conversation that you do not want to be in.

I second that re JADE - I used to justify, argue, defend and explain - it got me absolutely nowhere - in fact, it made things worse.  I agree, disengage, even if just for your own sanity.

Yep i meant respond as in, my words/actions, not respond as in change his actions... .  

So it seems like, from both of your posts, im still a little confused on the difference between what is validating and what is not... .  

So when i say something similar to what Auspicious just wrote, and he starts with the blame "why did you do it, are you purposely trying to make me angry etc" ... .  then i say nothing and walk away and disengage?

So by doing that i will make life hell to begin with as its invalidating, but it will show improvements in the future as ill be validating him other ways throughout the day and building back up the trust? and also saving my sanity as I wont engage in these petty blame games anymore?

Yes, if you don't rise to it, it will change his actions by not engaging in his petty blame games - just that.