BPDFamily.com

all you wonderful people out there,  I am so sorry to keep asking for help.  YOu are much more able to put things into a perspective which is greatly appreciated.  My other dd text my BPD dd about coming out for a visit.  We had planned to go as well sometime in the next month.  :)D lives across the country so it is about a 6 hr. flight.  In my last couple posts my BPD had text me things were bad there, bf son causing lots of trouble, etc.  

My dd text her to ask about a visit. next month to see them for 4 days.   this is the text she got back.  What I am wondering is how should she respond?  At least she seemed glad to here from her sister.  Oh I just wish BPD would get help.  this is just another chapter.  I think she is headed in the same place she was with ex. husband.  She is just driving him away, finding fault.  I sense a big big blow up.  We can't afford this. nor do i want her and her children to go through it.

what might you suggest her sister reply back with to keep communication open.

My dd text saying she wanted to come for a visit sometime in March, when would be a good time for you guys... Here is the response from sister with BPD  That would be great, but its pretty terrible here. I don't think I want anyone here. No offense to you but our household is full of lies and hate and fighting all the time and I want to be left alone. Please. The boys may go to moms this summer anyway. U can call them anytime

I sense she is really reaching out. she feels alone.  ( SHE IS NOT TALKING TO ME since our last text when I guess I didn't make it all better but just valadated her feelings.  She takes me not telling her what to do as not caring.  doesn't like it when I guess she feels I put it back on her. then she can't blame me.  I don't know.

Maybe your daughter could consider modifying her trip a bit.  Perhaps staying at a motel. I know my dd, (when she had a home) got very anxious before a visit from us. She would feel she had to clean and double clean to meet what she thought were our expectations. If your daughter had her own place to stay, it would remove the majority of the stress off your dd and the visit would be more relaxed. She could take the children out to a park or a zoo, with or without her sister or her sister's SO. That way she wouldn't have to deal with the negativity in the home and it would be a good time for the kids too.

She could probably do that.  I know it might be one of the things that would bother dd.  Usually when we are there she is glad and the kids enjoy sleeping on air mattress all together .   they do have enough room. 

Thanks for the suggestion.  I just still trying to figure out how to respond to the text as well as her sister and I feel it is another opportunity to let her know we understand things are not good.  and maybe an opportunity to open communications with her.  Just hard to know what to say. 

You are in a tough spot. Would she be upset if she knows that your other daughter told you about it? If you don’t think she would, then you might want to send her a text telling her that you are concerned about her and would like to know how she is doing. If she does not respond, then that’s a sign that she needs her space for now and your only option then would be to give her that space and step back for a while. If she does respond and tells you things are bad then you can offer to have a phone conversation for you to be able to provide some emotional support. However, be prepared to be the punching bag, you know how they get when they are stressed out…

who knows if she will be upset.  I can text her for sure just checking to see how things are in some way.  However,  I am still looking for suggestions for my other dd to answer.   She has read a bunch of reading as have I and she ask me what might be a good way to answer so she can keep communications open and help.  She really wants to.  BPD has 3 little ones that we also want to help. 

How about if your daughter says something like this: “I am very concerned about you and I understand that you might not want any visitors at this time, but we are not just friends visiting for the summer, we are actually family and I want to help. You said in your text that you just want to be left alone, and I totally get that, but having me around might even help if I give you a break taking the kids out so that you have some time for yourself. I will try to not get on your way and if I am, just let me know and will go do my own thing for a while until you feel better”. What do you think?

Eclaire5:  I think that is really good.  It validates how she is feeling and then it tells her that she is there to help.  I would just end with "love you" if that is okay.

Griz

Thank your for your help.  My dd still has not responded to her BPD sister yet.  I am passing on the suggestions from here.  I need to let my BPD that we are wanting to also visit during our spring break.  Not sure what sort of response I will get.  I just so want to take my dd in my arms and hug her say something profound letting her know i love her, she is not to blame for all the bad that she seems to think she deserves.  She has told me crying she doesn't know what she did so terrible to deserve such a life of Hell.  She said it is so hard but she is trying so hard to keep her life together and make a good life for her kids but everyone lies, to her.  etc. etc. 

This, to me, sounds like she is feeling invalidated.  For example she says "I am so stupid" and bf or sister responds "you are not stupid"... .  to her this = they are lying to me because I am stupid because I FEEL stupid.

The examples could go on and on.

I hope this helps your level of understanding of your BPDdaughter and leads to implementing the skills into your relationship.

You are so right lbjnltx,  This is where I get "stupid"      What I would say is or struggle with is, I woud probably say... .  So you are feeling stupid, or I am sorry you feel stupid, or  So you are feeling stupid... .    Geeze why can't I just respond the right way.  I am sure Most everything I say , by her response seems to be incorrect.    I over think it sometimes, too.  How do you guys all get it?  I am a teacher, I work with middle school kids all day.  I listen to them, work with them, help with behaviors.  Why is this so hard.  I do think because A mom by nature is suppose to make it better, protect, and comfort their child... .  

It is hard to stop the emotions from clouding our thinking skills... .  mom's have emotions too!

I would suggest the skill of wisemind to help you with this somuchlove.

Regarding the response to a statement about being stupid... .  If it were me in that situation I would not use the word "stupid" in my validating response... .  our words so easily get twisted... .  probably would respond more like this:

"it must hurt to feel that way about yourself"

or

"feeling that way must be difficult"

lbj

Here is some information on triggering, mindfulness and the Wise Mind:

TOOLS: DBT for Non Borderlines- Mindfulness  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0)