BPDFamily.com

My separated BPDw saw her D29 for the first time since their text war over Christmas.  Just 20 minutes after they sat down together at the restaurant, my cell rings. It’s my wife hysterically screaming, “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY DAUGHTER!” then hung up.

Her daughter (my stepdaughter whom I’m very close with, though she only lived with us between years 9 and 12) is the only one in the extended family ballsy enough to look her in the eye and call her on stuff.  Not surprising then that the two weeks before the meeting had my wife sweating bullets – she even asked me to consider being there to "protect' her.  I said no.  So wife says, “Then call her and tell her not to rip me to pieces.”  I did.

D thinks her mom is incredibly stupid for leaving me. Here is D’s account of what went down.

After 20 minutes of chit chat over margaritas, D asks her mom why she was leaving me.

Wife answers, “Three things: his ex, his daughter, and money.  He didn’t stand up to his ex, he coddles his daughter, and he's been controlling and stupid with money.”

D knows what her mom can do to somebody when she’s finished with them (see: her father). D pleads,“Mom, the punishment doesn’t fit the crime! He gave you a good life for 20 years, you never had to work, you always had money, you know how patient he is with you. AND SO WHAT if he is close with his daughter?  You should be happy he has a good r/s with his kids.  And his ex --you only have to see her a couple times a year. So what the HELL are you thinking?  He loves you with all his heart!  Even while you are betraying him, he is still protective of you... .  who else is going to have your back like that?”

W says ominously, “You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.” So daughter asks, “Has he ever laid a hand on you?  Has he ever cheated?”  W says, “I’m not going to answer that.”  (D knows I never have.) 

D continues, “Have YOU ever been violent with HIM?  Are you cheating on him NOW?” (D already knows the answers and knows her mom would lie).  At that point D said she got freaked out as her mom's eyes went dead and she stared straight ahead, almost like her soul went black. (But I explained that her mom was not not evil, but what she saw was essentially her mother's prefrontal lobes seizing up. From then on her mother was not going to hear anything right.)

W goes on the offensive and says, “You want me to forgive him, but when are YOU going to forgive me?”  D says, “It’s hard to forgive when you are never sorry for what you do.”  D gives example of her mom not being sorry by reminding her of the time she was 12 and visiting. They got into a loud argument and Mom clubbed her upside the head with a phone, causing extensive bleeding and scaring her so much she bolted down the street to knock on a random door so she could hide from her mom for a few hours until I got home.  (Neighbor didn't call the police. Irony must not have been lost on this neighbor who knew my wife as a well known community advocate for domestic violence.)

Wife denies doing that, saying “I slapped you and that was all!” 

D: “YOU ARE LYING MOM!” 

W: “I’m not going to take this abuse!” 

D: “Your family and friends are all keeping their mouths shut  or saying, ‘poor you.’  I’m going to call you on your crap because someone needs to.” 

W storms out as the food arrives, gets in her car and dials to blame me for everything. Next D calls me, worried her mom is going to hurt herself.  I said, no, I don’t think so…she’s pretty used to this kind of turmoil.

D confesses she grew up thinking I deserved someone better than her crazy Mother.  I try to tell D not to be angry at her mom; she has a serious mental illness. She needs to get help. Daughter won't budge from, "If everyone keeps protecting her and feeling sorry for her, she will never hit bottom, and will never admit she needs help."

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this; it must be really painful to see your stepdaughter in the position she's in.

On the other hand, I applaud her resiliency and determination to stand up for herself (and you) and I hope that she is able to do so without internalizing the conflict she has with her not-very-stable mother.

I'm guessing the NC will probably continue, then, after what happened this time?

The pattern in her family with conflict is intense verbal fights, then NC for a while, then a awkward hello's at the next family gathering, then relationships back to 'normal'. Nothing is never resolved or discussed.