BPDFamily.com

Hello,

  Earlier, I wrote about how I was trying something different. I was going to be nice to my ex and treat her as I always had, with kindness. Well... .  It backfired. I wasn't ready or strong enough and I ended up hurt again.

I went out of town on vacation for the weekend and let her stay at the house with the kids. All was good when I came back. Kids were happy, house was clean and the ex seems to be her normal self.

  Monday, however, was a different story. She left Sunday night about 20 min after I got home. She said good bye to the kids and ran back to her boyfriends. Typical and I expected it. Then, she disappeared for the next two days. Didnt call or come over to see the kids. So I called her to see what was up and got the usuall cold hearted response. Expected that too.

  Now here is where I hurt myself. I talked to her yesterday to try to find out why she left me and the kids in the first place. At first I got the usual answers. She was scared of me, I didn't listen to her, I always did the opposite of what she wanted and she was angry. So angry that she fell out of love with me, fell in love with our sons friends dad and left.

  We argued a bit and then the angry protector in her came out. She told me how all she wanted was the kids to be with her and her boyfriend. She just wanted me out of the picture. She blamed me for the kids not wanting to be with her and her boyfriend. That I was preventing them from moving on.

  A few more words were exchanged and I finally decided that I had enough pain for one day. I told her that I could not be friends with her anymore. It was not healthy for either one of us let alone the kids. I asked her not to call me or come over anymore.

What I learned... .  I am not strong enough or ready to have my ex in my life yet. Although it has been two years since our divorce and 5 years since she actually left, I am still not ready. So take your time folks. Don't rush the process. Work on being happy without them because I realized that I would not be happy with them... .  

I just wanted to say to you that I can feel your pain, really.  As bad as we think we have it honestly there are people on here that have it worse, and yet they still get up every day and do what they need to.  Some of these people that have somehow put up with spouse's crazy mess for twenty years or more for their kids, only to have to endure the fallout of multiple affairs and divorce in the end.  I know it is really horrible now, but there is no way I'd want to deal with that mess for twenty or thirty years.  We are on the path to recovery when we are able to find happiness on our own.  The words they speak can be illogical, irrational, and only serve to hurt us further, no matter how much we explain things to them, how much we try to understand them, or how much we try to be nice to them, I don't think it makes any inkling of a difference once they have painted us black and have a new supply of self esteem.  I believe all you can really do is keep any contact you have to have with her to a minimum and keep it all banker/dentist

visit professional type. 

Thanks for the support Scotisgone. I was married to her for 15 yeas. I have been friends with her for over 20 years. We have two wonderful kids together. I never realized how unhappy I was with her until a few weeks ago. I felt a sense of loyality to her. I felt I had to be faithful to my promise til death do us part.

I finally see that she is no longer the friend I knew for over 20 years. She is cold and uncaring towards me. It's a very strange feeling being around her. She's so different now.

She did make it perfectly clear that she no longer wants me in her life in any way and it's about time I take the hint.

Like several others here, I needed to accept that NC was for me, not for her, and the main part of it involved accepting that I am not strong enough to deal with her. She had years to hone her skills at manipulating me to a high level. Even if I know that this is true, that doesn't give me the knowledge or power to resist them and avoid getting sucked into the same counterproductive series of triggers as before.