BPDFamily.com

I posted this in the wrong board.

well yesturday would have been 5 days without contact with my exBPDgf. I was doing ok. was very sad and down but ws still trying to pick up piecse and move on. though we dont work for the same companies but our companies work very close together and are entertwined somewhat. Anyway I get a text message asking me a question that about 4 other people could have answered. I was slow to respond because I was busy at that time. She then sends another one "never mind" I answer her question. She then responds with thanks and an open ended statement that would usual prompt me to ask a question. But I didnt. I didnt hear another word from her and still havent. But the text made me very nervous, anxious and almost sick. I was back to feeling very down. I cant block her or change my number becasue of work. In the past this has always led to somesort of recycle. and I admit I never wanted it to end. I was happy with us going the therapy even tho she didnt make but one session. My T said that it needed to end then and I couldnt fix her. But she was the one that in a drunken rage said she was done and was doing thsi relationship anymore and that she was discontining therapy and that we was toxic for each other. I said fine and stopped attempting to talk to her. I gave up. This text message yesturday shook me to my core. I fear a recycle attempt and also fear not getting recycled is this a normal feeling? was the text a recycle prob. whats in store now? im having some serious anxiety. any advice and helpful words would be apprciated.

I'm not sure if it is a recycle attempt, I don't think so. However, I do think it's to fresh at the moment and 5 days NC isn't even healing a little. So breaking that feels like pouring 4liters of salt on your wounds and splitting open your skull. It freaking hurts through the bone, also a good feeling in a way to realize, hey your not the one with BPD!

On the other hand, be careful that you don't allow yourself to 'swindle/drown' in these feelings. Thats what I do. I want my ex BPD back, however I know it's not the healthiest thing to do. However, i'd be open for recycle, on the other hand, i shouldnt. I want to move on, but with this behavior, there is no moving on. It's pure torture. Actual torture ...

your right it just like that. It made my heart sink to my knees. The only reason I thought it might be a recycel attempt becasue in the past she ususul starts with something work related to Break the Ice. as a way of gauging my emotional level so I dont reject her. If I reject her she can right it off as I was rejecting something to do with work and it not her. On the oterh hd she knows that i will always repsond to something with work because its my job. BUt Im just trying to make it with caving in. But at this stage I am misrable. I have been longer in the past and for some reason I dont remmebr it feeling this bad before. we have been up to 4 ot 5 weeks without contact. and I was doing pretty good but at that point I was very angry. Im not angry this time. Im just sad and very down about it all.

It seems evryting around her involves huge amount of triggers your way. Cuz it seems you know step by step what she does, wants and how it impacts you.

maybe so. I dont know. I used to could some what predict what was going to happen and when it was going happen and how it was going to happen. But I cant anymore. Im just trying to make it tru it all until I reach a  better place. I know it has to end, she said it has to end because of the cycles. I do believe that her last stunt was so embarrassing for her, because not only did she act out to me she acted out in front of her freinds that have never seen her act that way. Of course she will blame it on being drunk but I have seen her act out in lesser ways while sober but she never did it in front of people. I think in her mind its easier to cut me lose then face the shame of her own actions. as far as triggers for me. She has me trained, bad to say but I have been conditioned by two years of push/pull about every 5 to 6 weeks with a diffrent excuse for her behavior each time. Im doing my bets to focus on me but I do find it very hard.

mitchell, its OK to be down - work through those feelings - are you getting out and about mixing with friends, family?

When you feel like this - remind yourself of the facts - list 5 things that you know you wouldn't want to go back to - one might be being raged at - recite these 5 things when things get tough. This will help filter out the facts in the midst of all the emotion.

Clearmind, yes Im getting out. I went out with friends over the weekend. Had a good time. and I spent some time out by myself. I have repeated it over and over to myself of why this has to end. It helps it reminds me of how I want to be treated and alos reminds me of how many times i felt so misrabale in the relationship, how I could never do anything right. How i was nit picked and put down for everything I did. Sometime when I think about it I have to laugh but then at other times i feel so down about the loss of what I perceived as a perfect relationship and then I wonder how I got sucked into all this and how after everything I stayed for over two years. Then I get disgusted with myself. I think about the raging and the constant put downs and contridictions. examples.

Me: you probabley had enough to drink.

her: you are trying to control me.

Then when she falls on her butt because she was to drunk to walk.

Her: you should have stopped me and I dont trust you to take care of me anymore.

me: how im i soupposed to act.

her:all you do is make excuses.

I can go on and on. I certaininly dont miss all this.

This is helping me, maybe I should start a list on that subject alone.