BPDFamily.com

I haven't posted here for awhile, in part because life got very busy but even more because things were finally starting to improve between my uBPDh and me.  They improved somewhat after I started using the tools and even more so when I took the (possibly mistaken) step of trying to help my H get what he said he wanted most of all -- to move back to his home state.  I figured if I was going to stay in this relationship instead of bailing when he was at his lowest point, I needed to show him that I am committed to him and willing to listen.  So after much searching I applied for and went through a series of interviews for a job out there.  Due to budget problems with the state, the job offer was put on hold and then finally seems to be back on track again over a year later. 

So we've been mostly doing okay, I think because the idea of moving has given him some hope that he will finally be getting something that he says will add joy to his life.  In the meantime I became pregnant again, our third.  We have two daughters, 4 and 2, and he is a fantastic dad overall.  But over the past month or so things are starting to fall apart.  Now that it has taken so long for this cross-country move to happen, the real estate he's had his eye on out there has started to climb drastically and he fears now we won't be able to afford a house.  He sees this chance for what he envisions as a dream life slipping away, which all on its own would be a trigger, but with the added burden of a baby coming any day when he has nothing but negative emotions roiling around in his head, things are sinking fast. 

He's been dysregulated all week since I've been home for maternity leave and he also has too much time on his hands -- He does some freelance work from home and takes classes a few nights a week, but it's his spring break so he's had little to put his energy towards except raging at me.  He has alternated between sleeping for hours and waking up angry, stomping around and yelling that he has no interest in taking care of a baby and helping me at the hospital, how we're all burdens on him, how it's all my fault we're stuck living in this place he hates and that because of me he has no future, etc.  I used to just get up and leave when he started raging at me like this, but it's hard for me to do that now when I'm so hugely pregnant.  I can see occasional flashes of guilt that he is treating me this way when I'm so vulnerable, and sometimes he's the one to get up and leave before it escalates further, but I am just feeling so sad and exhausted and scared that I guess I just felt this was the only place I could share what is going on. 

If anyone has any positive thoughts to share, I sure could use them right now.  This is not the way I want a baby to enter the world, and I am trying my best to stay calm and centered.  Thanks for reading.

   

I just want to give you a great big hug!  I am so sorry that you are dealing with this right now!  My guess is he senses your energy and attention elsewhere right now, rightly so you are almost to give birth, and he knows only more and more of your attention will be going elsewhere.  

As far as his dreams slipping away, I am sure you are right.  It sounds like he is feeling really frustrated, and like you and your kids are a burden (I am familiar with this mindset and it's affect on me) but please don't take that on yourself!  :)on't drink the kool-aid!  Can you talk to him and validate him?  I don't have a lot of practice with this because I just get silence and distancing.  Would it make a difference if you did approach the topic with him?

You have a lot on your plate right now.  :)o you have support besides him?  Can you rely on them right now?

Could someone come stay with you or could you go somewhere else?  Just because you can't get away from  him physically doesn't mean you can't get away from him mentally.  

I wish I had a better suggestion.  Take care of yourself right now and think about what is best for you.  That is the best you can do for your kids and your baby! BEST WISHES!

Thank you, 4now, I really needed that virtual hug.  I've dealt with his ups and downs through my previous pregnancies but never this close to the big event.

I did try validating in the earlier stages of his dysregulation, and each time it only opened him up to further raging and blaming, and I know from our history that not participating in the back-and-forth is the only way to break the cycle.  I have considered asking my sister to come over to help, but we don't really have much space and I want to be home for my girls when they come home from preschool.  I also can't really go elsewhere as I'm prone to short labor and can't stray too far from the hospital where I will deliver.  I hate having to depend on him for anything right now though, so if he is still behaving this way when labor starts, I will call my sister or neighbor and ask one of them to drive me to the hospital.  Sis is coming to the delivery room anyway, as she has done for the previous two, because both my H and I know that there's a chance he won't be able to provide the full support I need, and my sister is great in pressure situations. I have a feeling he'll find a way to push it aside when the time comes though, because he won't want to look bad to the family, doctors, etc. and he knows what he's doing is not right.  He just can't/won't stop it until he "has" to, I guess.