BPDFamily.com

Learning to accept letting go just because my gut feeling tells me so.

Compassionate withdraw.  No running away.

Not sacrificing my own needs or doubts to fix another person.

Not being afraid to stand up for myself.

Loving me.

Hi Laelle

I just read your latest thread on staying. I didn't post because I don't really feel I should post on there, not being a stayer. Your last post gave me goosepimples- that you do not need to sell yourself and you never did, everything you wrote. That's true growth.

I am absolutely impressed by your journey and the place you have got to and so pleased that when I just moved from your thread on staying to look at PI I saw you here.


There is nothing else to be said- that is what the journey in and from BPD land is all about in my mind. Just so, so glad you have decided that you are worthy of healthy.  |iiii

Thank you so much for the encouragement Maria.  You are always welcome to post as I will be joining you on leaving now because I dont want my personal experience to hinder those that are giving it their best.  I have endless admiration and support for them.  I remember your heartfelt posts as I had just found this website, and I know how you have struggled with making some pretty hard decisions.

I am pretty happy today.  I know the hurt will come, but I am really free now to breathe and heal.  Its been a long fight and I honored him and the relationship by giving it my all.  I am satisfied with my efforts and its time to let go.  I am left now to clean up the chaos created and to heal now, and I very thankful to have the support here to help.

Welcome laelle,

I'm glad to see you here--I'm starting to think of this as my home board these days. If I had seen this thread first, I probably would have put the Rumi poem up here instead of on your last Staying post. 

Thank you Grey Kitty, It was a welcome poem either way.  It makes hurting alot easier knowing its to help me grow and fill my life with better things.

Am talking to a friend and cursing my ex out.  It feels good for the moment.     

 to you, laelle.

This was beautifully written, and I can relate.  I am done sacrificing myself and not standing up for myself.  I am done walking on eggshells.  His reactions are his.  I am loving myself.

Thank you so much NonGf,

I think its great that you are investing some time, care and love into yourself.  They can deal with their own garbage.  I have my own that I must carry, I can not carry another persons as well. 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzQ_HD08y_Q

Hi Laelle,  It can be quite difficult accepting that the relationship is not right for you.  I still find myself questioning at times, but my gut tells me I am doing the best thing for both of us by letting go.  I try to take it one day at a time.  Best of luck to you.   

Btw, cool video... Evanescence rocks!

Thank you Phoenix,

Looking back just 2 days go when it happened I cant believe what I was subjecting myself to.  Someone said yesterday that they had "powers", Im not sure if I could disagree with that.  I will get my old self back one day, and thank you for showing your support and letting me know how you have confidence that your "gut" is right.  :)

Yes, still trusting my gut.  I do take this a day at a time.  I have not spoken to my ex in over 2 months now.  Some days are easier than others, but overall my stress is WAY lower than it was while trying to have a relationship with her.  Take care.

Thanks Phoenix.  Even with all my mixed emotions atm, im not eating my emotions like I did when he was around.  I have a future without all the false promises.  Its a bleak one, but its there.  :)

We both have great futures if we strive for just that!  I can relate to it feeling bleak at times, but hope still abounds.  It has to.

Your right Phoenix, life does go on.   

I'm sorry to see you leave The Staying board, but I'm pleased that you are in the place where you are just now... . I hope it continues for you.  

We're all still here for the bad days though, don't forget!

Thank you Cardinal 

It sucks to fight so hard for someone that you love only to watch it fail, again.

To keep losing him over and over and over.

When you hear stories about the love that could never be, I never understood why not.  I get it now.

How are you? 

It does suck.  I suppose it is unrequited love.  I was thinking about my ex this morning and felt a deep longing to connect with her again.  I wanted to call her and tell her I love her, but I'm not going to do that today.  I don't believe it would improve the situation.  I understand the heartache.

I know that feeling well Phoenix.

I would have never thought I would end up in a situation where I actually longed to be hurt.  That was the only sure thing in my relationship.

History repeats itself without change.  I can change me, but I cant change him.  He doesnt want or cant change.

I think its great you are avoiding contact today.  Tomorrow can take care of itself.  I really admire your courage when faced with such pain. 

I wish I could just **poof him from my heart the way he did me.

I believe I'm seeing the end here, too.  Yes, it really sucks when you've loved someone so much, had such high hopes, and invested so much into a r/s... . only to watch it unravel.  I was recently thinking about what you said about "the love that could never be."  Yeah, why not?  Well, it takes 2 people who feel the same way about love, I suppose.

Sending you   and a big  .

I am really sorry that it seems your relationship isnt going to make it NonGF.  I was really hoping things would improve for you.  I know resigning your hopes for someone you love is a difficult thing to do.    I can really empathize with you on the crushing weight of its finality.  I think you are right.  It does take 2, but I also think that an overly romanticized view of love had alot to do with how I got here.  Romance is nice, but its really an illusion if nothing else backs it up. Trust, faith, stability, loyalty, love, intimacy, empathy and respect are all needed for a healthy relationship.  I wasnt getting all of those things, but I was so blinded by the romance part that I felt it compensated for what wasnt there and just hoped the other would grow in time.

In the end, it unraveled because the illusion was disappearing, the reality of the situation was setting in, and those things that are needed for a healthy relationship still werent there.  I started asking too many questions that I couldnt answer and he couldnt be assed to... .  the illusion died and *poof I was disappeared.

When one door closes another opens, I cant wait to find out whats behind door #2   :)

Me either!

Thank you so much for this, laelle.  What I've highlighted in bold letters is especially grounding to hear, and I can relate.

I'm just numb right now.  He broke an agreement we'd made that was very important to me and hits a very sensitive area for me.  Unless he offers a huge apology and can back it up (and I doubt he's equipped for that, based on history), I can't go on like this with him. 

I can't think of door #2.  I'm happy you're able to do so, though.  It sounds like you're healing.  |iiii

I wont be moving on to another relationship for a long long long time.  I need some time for me.  I would repeat the same cycle with someone else atm.

I just meant... . a new opportunity    I hope he greets you with a huge apology and a big bunch of roses.  If not, ill move my ass over on the leaving bench and you can sit beside me. Ill be here for you.

THANKS FOR SHOWING ME MY BLIND SPOT ON THIS,  LAELLE:


"I also think that an overly romanticized view of love had alot to do with how I got here.  Romance is nice, but its really an illusion if nothing else backs it up. Trust, faith, stability, loyalty, love, intimacy, empathy and respect are all needed for a healthy relationship.  I wasnt getting all of those things, but I was so blinded by the romance part that I felt it compensated for what wasnt there and just hoped the other would grow in time.

In the end, it unraveled because the illusion was disappearing, the reality of the situation was setting in, and those things that are needed for a healthy relationship still werent there.  I started asking too many questions that I couldnt answer and he couldnt be assed to... .   the illusion died and *poof I was disappeared.

When one door closes another opens, I cant wait to find out whats behind door #2   "



  DID YOU EVER NAIL IT THOSE SIMPLE WORDS FOR ME  !

Wow... .

I want to get here... . :'(

   

"THANKS FOR SHOWING ME MY BLIND SPOT ON THIS,  LAELLE:"  You are very welcome.  

I am to this point I think because I spent alot of time on the staying board trying to make the relationship work.  I had worked on a certain degree of detaching already.

We were long distance and didnt get to see eachother much, and had other issues.  The bottom line is that you cant have a mature relationship with someone who has the emotional maturity of a 3 year old. If you think your love will help them grow up, think again. He did it all, ignoring for punishment, insulting, tit for tat, raging.  He asked that I give all and make his needs my own, and when I tried to do the same, I got my ass chewed out and usually broke up with.

I cant be assed with the childish games anymore and I have too much to lose to mess with it.  

sheepdog - You will.  You have to get past the illusion first and it takes time.  Even I have bad days and I know the truth.

Ditto, laelle!  Thanks for sharing your story here.  Your words have been an enormous help for me and have brought some clarity to my situation.  I'll write more about that to you when I get a chance.  Hope you're doing great! 

Hello NonGF, I am doing great today.  Thank you for asking.  I am lonely and I am as bored as ever, but I am at peace.

When I sit and read alot of the post of the degree of hurt everyone is feeling, I almost feel guilty.  Its not that I dont miss my friend and what I thought was

the love of my life who cared about me, but his actions spoke alot louder than words.  When the jig was up, he got out of town without even a goodbye. I guess I should thank him for that.  I start my french classes again next week and have to meet the landlord about an apartment that I have been offered.  Hopefully it will keep me busy.

Maybe I have some object constancy issues?  

How are you holding up?

I'm struggling today, so ive come back to my personal inventory.  I am struggling today because im fighting feelings that were not there but now are.  I did hear about this, and expected it as the "shock" of him leaving wore off, but its kinda kicking me in the behind atm.  I know I should not fight them but allow them and make peace with them.

I have been taking short little naps when I feel overwhelmed. 

It amazes me how someone can tell you that they love you and then not even have the respect for you to say goodbye.  Not a kiss my behind, Have a nice life or anything.  I have not exactly remained best friends with my exes, but I have been able to maintain them as a respected person in my life.  Its that wrong?  Should I have sent them a hateful email and disappeared instead?  Is it just me who has done it wrong?

I guess that is what we have been talking about on another post.  That BPD's dont give closure. 

I laid in bed and cried a little today.  No one can say I dont have feelings thats for sure. 

laelle - I am sorry you are having such a difficult day.  I have a post here in personal inventory where I ask if anyone ever feels all over the place.  So yes, I feel you right now.

The things you mentioned were very hard for me as well.  My therapist is helping me see that none of it was real.  That it was an incredibly false, harmful relationship.

That used to be a hard pill for me to swallow - that none of it really mattered to him.  But, I have no idea why, it actually HELPS now knowing that.

At least for today.    Who knows about tomorrow?   

We are here for you.  You got this.

Thanks Sheepdog, its great that you have a psych that is familiar with BPD.  I have an appointment with mine on Wednesday.  I had started them back after the last recycle but quit. She doesnt know anything about BPD tho and it has me a little worried.  I know she can help me with the childhood stuff, but I really want someone who can understand where I am at atm.  Its hard to find a psych who speaks english here, my options are limited.

You know my mind gets the logic behind all of this, but my heart doesnt understand such things.  I understand my mind has to rule this because my heart is sick and needs to rest up and get better.  Its still very hard for my heart to believe he could be so cruel.  Admittedly I was that cruel one time in my life, and I still have hellish guilt about it.  How horrible it is to mentally damage someone.  Does he not care at all?

Thank you for your support.  While I am sad that I am not alone because others have to suffer too, but its nice to have people truly understand what im going through.

wow, someone posted this song earlier.  www.directlyrics.com/kelly-clarkson-you-love-me-lyrics.html   She has obviously had a go with a roller coaster man.

She is a therapist, not a psych but she works for several hours a week with borderlines in group work so she knows a lot about them.

I don't understand any of it either.  I don't understand the cruelty, the lies, any of it.  

From what my therapist says, he is not thinking of me at all.  He has found someone else with issues who we can emotionally manipulate.  I was not an innocent bystander and had a part in all of this but I was selected, watched, and then played as well as Beethoven.

I was never special to him.  I was never his friend, the greatest person he ever met.  I was just another messed-up person who put up with his crap for too long.  

Now, I gotta focus on me.

You focus on you.  

Wow, that must have been really hard to hear.  It was hard for me to hear it just now.  If your therapist is interested in skyping sessions I would be interested.

Some do, some dont.  Its going to be hard for me to find someone like that here.

It was hard to hear at first. 

Actually, I quit therapy for a while and she contacted me several months later to see how I was doing and I just recently started going back a couple weeks ago.

She kind of told me all that months ago.  I heard the words, read the words online in other places, knew they were probably true.  Just not true for he and I.  We were different.

Truth is, we weren't.

On Saturday, I wanted to work on other things and she was not having it.  She said I needed to understand this relationship before I could move forward.  And she said those things.  She called it predatory.  Someone on here once said that to me and I balked.  But now I see it.

It was like that.

I argued with her and told her I had told him such private things about me, and he to me and he had promised to hold them dear and precious.  She said those were just words.  And they were. 

She said I was the perfect person for him - a raging codependent and shame-based.  It could not have been more perfect and easy for him.

The first time I read the article linked from this site about the truths, I cried.  Hard.  I don't know how I would feel now.

He hurt me.

My t says he hurt me part consciously and part not - that it is the pathology of borderlines.

But, there it is.  He hurt me.  Belittled me.  Shamed me.  Treated me like crap.

*I* allowed it. 

I want closure, too.  It ended undramatically.  Just - stopped.  I want to rip him a new butthole on some days.  Others I want to say, sincerely, "You're sick.  You need help."

But honestly, really, I never, EVER want to speak to him again.  He is so sick. 

But he makes me feel sick.

I am so glad I am out.

I saw things in him as well.  When they were his problems we had to address them now, when they were mine... .   they would be sorted out later.  Rarely were there, and never with more than half an ear of attention.

I guess he has repeated the disappearing act so many times, he has it down to a science.  I had a few friends who told me he seemed like a predator.  While I can believe he is sick, its hard to see him as a predator.  I dont want to see him as that, but it doesnt mean he isnt.

Hey laelle, I hope I did not make you feel worse. 

Just because my pwBPD was a predator, doesn't mean yours was.

It's hard for me to believe he was but the more I think about it... .   I do see how well-orchestrated it all was.  How gullible and believing in his goodness I was.

He would tell me all the time that he changed himself in every situation to become what the people around him wanted him to be.  Mine was incredibly intelligent - like Mensa-smart and he watched.

The half-listening... .   that is one of the things that hurt the most.  When we first met, he made me feel so HEARD.  He really listened.

Until, he didn't... .    

Again, didn't mean to make you feel worse.  You are very strong.  I see it in your posts.

Awww Sheepdog, dont worry.  Sometimes the truth hurts, but I would rather hear the truth than believe a lie.

Isnt that what we are fighting to get back in our lives... .   truth?

I see those things too, I have since the beginning.  I didnt see them as predatory, but more having a need that is so intense they look for people to fill it for them.  Not to intentionally harm them.  They have to be obvious to the fact however that it always does.

Does that still mean predator, I guess so but in a less intentional way.  I was more than happy to give a little of myself.  Am I an idiot or what?  

I was aware that he was BPD, he told me.  I read the books, but it didnt make sense to me in laymans terms.  It wasnt until coming here that I began to understand it.

I am really concerned about getting an appropriate therapist.  I emailed mine and wanted to clarify how she wanted to approach the BPD stuff or if she even wanted to.

I am not strong, but I have to pretend, or im ripe for the picking.

Thank you Sheepdog... .   I feel worse and better at the same time.  :)

That is where I am right now.  That is why I think I am saying these things in such a metter-of-fact way.  Pasrt because if I think about it, it scares me but also because I am the kind of person who is better able to face what I have in front of me once I know what I am dealing with.

My person also had sociopathic tendencies so again, may be very different from yours.

I was also more than happy to give myself to him.  I don't know why.  I am trying to work that out.  I made myself incredibly accessible and vulnerable to him.  It disgusts me. 

I understand your 'am I an idiot?' question.  That is one thing I am really having difficulty letting go of.  Could there be a bigger idiot on this earth than me?

The first time I talked to my therapist on the phone, I told her that I had been in a relationship with a person with BPD.  Her response?  "Then we really need to explore YOU.  No one who is healthy maintains a realtionship with a BPD."

You *are* strong - you survived something incredibly hurtful.  And hopefully we are both less ripe for the picking of others due to this experience.

I feel strong and stupid and such shame.  I have a long way to go.

Sheep, I think your being a tiny bit hard on yourself by blaming yourself, They are GOOD at what they do.  Even psychs fall prety to them. I do understand that after so much time receiving only half truths, that it would be important for you to get down to the bottom line.  I feel the same.

I survived yeah, but I almost lost everything.  He would tell you that I dont have anything, but he's wrong.

Of course he's wrong.

You have the best thing ever - YOU.

Hi, laelle.  I've been thinking of you.  Sorry you're having a tough day.  I totally understand.  You are not alone.

My therapist is very familiar with BPD and is a DBT therapist, actually.  I've been to her twice so far, and I like her.  She almost immediately said I need to work on sticking up for myself.  She's so right.  I'm doing that, and I think it's landed me at the end of my r/s.  I'd be happy to ask her if she does Skype sessions if you'd like.

Thank you Sheepdog,  I seem to have lost that fact somewhere along the way. 

I would absolutely love that NonGF, mine just emailed me back and said she doesnt have any experience with BPD. She is nice and I dont worry about trusting her, but I dont think anyone could fully understand what being with a BPD is like unless they hve been there.  Please let me know. :)  and thank you

I'll let you know a.s.a.p., laelle. 

My prior therapist is nice and trustworthy, too, but she doesn't have the experience with pwBPD like my new therapist does.  I understand what you mean about needing to work with someone who understands it.

Hope you're feeling better today.

Thank you NonGF,

I just need someone trusted, some exp with BPD, not too expensive, and willing to skype.  Thats not too much to ask for eh?  

Today im giving myself a real hard time for not getting over it.  Relationships end all the time.  I didnt cry this much when I left my ex husband.

Both of them.    I feel like if he could see me getting hung up over all this he will tell me to get over it.

I understand the need to find someone inexpensive.  She is a PsyD and therefore not inexpensive.  I've found enough value in her work, personally, to "splurge" on myself.  Actually, I know this isn't splurging.  This might be changing the course of my life, my future, and that's priceless.  That might sound drastic, but it's true.  If I continued on the course I've been on... .   well, that's a scary thought.  

It can take much longer than "usual" to disentangle one's self from a r/s with a pwBPD.  What you just experienced sounds like a trauma, not a "normal" r/s or a "normal" breakup.  My prior T did know that much, and I found that somehow comforting in my healing process after he broke up w/me last June.  It was SO hard detaching from him!   I've spent some time recently kicking myself for reuniting with him.     I have to remember when those thoughts are spinning in my mind to be kind to myself, to stop, to think of something else.

Are you doing the 12-Week Self-Acceptance course?  I think Tara Brach is one of the teachers this week, and I've found her so helpful.  She's one of my favorite teachers ever.

I really hope she will take me.  The euro to dollar currency conversion is great. 

I just want to get better already.  Im not interested in talking to anyone or do anything.  Im just sad.

Spending so much time with him I didnt really have any other social contact.  I've forgotten how.

Dont beat yourself up about returning.  Sometimes going back seems easier than dealing with the pain. I am sure that your doing all you can to make it work.  As I said before, if you decide its not your thing, Im always here to whine with you.  :)

Hi Laelle, 

Stopping by to wish you peace and happiness and flowers and singing birds and sunshine.   lol

I do hope you are feeling better soon.  My emotions have been up and down the past couple of days, so you're not alone.   

Hey Phoenix, you forgot bunnies and rainbows too. 

Thanks for your post.  I am literally up one moment and feeling good about moving on, and the next I am sad and hopeless.  Its bizarre really.  I guess the only good part of it is that it is coming and going.

I'm sorry to hear that your emotions are wobbly as well.  I am told it just takes time.  I wish that time character would hurry up.

Wishing you kittens and pumpkins and maybe Bambi or something.  :)

Have a great day.

Hey, try Pete Gerlach. He is really, really a brilliant therapist. He is inexpensive and skypes. I mean, he is really, really good.

Thanks Mary, I will check him out when I finish work.

I had a session with my psych today.  She said that she would rather deal with the damage he did and not deal with the BPD angle of it because its his problem not mine.  Not sure what to think about that.

Check Pete out. He is a big picture guy. He is very good at integrating.

:) 

I agree with the fact that we don't process the ending of these relationships like we do 'normal' relationships, whatever that is!  Anyway, I know I still feel a considerable amount of confusion at times due to the extreme mixed messages I received while with her. 

Like you mentioned in an earlier post, the heart does not match up with the head in these breakups.  Closure is difficult to experience on the heart level, at least it has been for me.

Leaving my husband of 10 years did not hurt me as much as leaving this relationship.  I dont get it.

Speaking to my psych today she asked me if he came back around would I go back.  I had to pause for a few.  If I say no, I will struggle with my heart, and if I say yes, my head would be giving me some major crap.  I am riding the fence for the moment so I dont start a war with myself.  I think thats cheating tho. 

I've found that saying I will not contact her today works pretty well for me.  I don't know about tomorrow.

Yeah, I caught on to that when you said it the other day.  I think I will steal that thought and use it if you dont mind?  It allows me to keep the anxiety from building.

Please do!   *)

He must think he's cool or something.

Hey, its nice thinking.  It calms my nerves just saying it.  He is very cool. (uh... .   whoever he is)  :)

You wrote this two weeks ago.  From the other comments, and how I know I feel, up and down is part of the process. 

Learning to accept letting go just because my gut feeling tells me so.

Always, always follow your gut.  And your gut sounds like it is saying you miss him ( of course you do - you loved him ) but your gut says stay the h-e -double hockey sticks away.  I would listen to that second voice.

Compassionate withdraw.  No running away.

That is some serious stuff and I am in pain for it but I am not running away.  I am facing it head on.  If you're not there yet, it's okay.  If you are, great too.  You don't have to race your healing against anyone else's.

Not sacrificing my own needs or doubts to fix another person.

AMEN!  Ironically, there is a song that my pwBPD loved that said "I live in Crazytown and I'm married to the mayor."  I never told him but that's how I felt, except I was not married to him.  Thank God.  Actually, that whole song was familiar to me.  He'd frequently tell me he was sending me 'messages' with the songs he'd give me.

[bNot being afraid to stand up for myself.][/b]

You are standing up for yourself when every minute goes by that you have remained NC. 

Loving me.

Please let me know how to do this one when you figure it out.

Thank you Sheep, I really needed to hear that.    I dont deserve to be treated badly.

No you don't.

There has to be a reason.  Or what the hell was it all for?

You were THAT strong two weeks ago and you will be that strong again.  And the time between the two will lessen until it is all strong.

With all the great kindness and support that is shown to me here, I am sure of it.  I'm not NC btw, he erased me.