BPDFamily.com

Hi Everyone!

There was such a good level of participation and insight, admin had to cap the previous thread (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196731.0), so, here is the next posting.

I read our previous posts where "we" are quite diverse, talented, and able on many levels. "We" also tend to have a caretaker and nurturer loyalty also. Some of "us" may even lean toward codependency and battle self-worth and self esteem issues to which a pwBPD uses on us quite well.

Let's continue this thread.

-Tut

i know codependency for myself is the #1 thing, i am an enabler, I do have low self esteem. Scary thing is I hope he dumps me, cuz i am too afraid to break his heart, but I still can think of all the times he breaks mine.

I am posting this, to give me strength and know that I am a good person and should never ever settle for less. At times I just wish I could be that much stronger.

Three characteristics that come to mind when I think about the people of this board... .  

- Soft on the exterior, unbelievably tough interior.  Strong soul and heart. (BPD's have tough exteriors, soft interiors)

- Emotional Maturity

- Positive, pay-it-forward attitude.

BPD's recognize these traits and know they are getting more out of us than with others.  BPD's do not work well with other volatiles!

I would have to agree with everything previously mentioned.  For some reason I want to add in depression as something that many of us may share.  When you have a possible lower self esteem you are more likely to be depressed I believe.  I don't think that it takes much at all for a BPD to exploit to the nth degree. 

We have to be emotionally mature to handle all the outbursts by them, if we weren't no relationship could take place. 

I guess it's time to be brutally honest with both myself and you all here... .  

For me, it's codependency. I always suspected I was codependent to some level but this experience has brought to light the severity that I am. I feel COMPLETELY worthless without a partner. I can not begin to describe the level of "emptiness" I feel without having someone who loves me in my life. I don't feel whole, I walk around day to day like an empty shell of a person. Sure I have hobbies and interests but I don't find interest in them anywhere near like I do when I have someone in my life. It's like I can't function without having someone who cares about me and when I do/did, it's like a huge weight has been lifted of my chest. Finally I can take comfort in life and move forward with content.

Unfortunately this situation was all that times 3. Because she had two daughters that also idolized and loved me it was made just that more worse. The sense of belonging and purpose I felt was like nothing I had ever experienced in my adult life. As a result it made the brutal abrupt ending that much harder. I long to find happiness and that feeling of contentment in myself but boy is it ever hard. I so desperately want to love myself, I really do. I want my love and opinion of myself to be based on me and not on who loves me.

This isn't easy for me to admit and makes me very sad to talk about. The depths of my loneliness can honestly not be put into words.     

  dave - I know that feeling too. For me I think it had its origins in my FOO. After reading about co-dependancy & thinking about my own mother & the dynamic with her & my father who displayed lots of narcissistic personality traits, I am realising that maybe it wasn't entirely my fault that I felt so unloveable growing up. When a person who is regarded by the world at large as almost literally a saint withholds love or is incapable of giving it, i think it sets the "unloveable" child up for these kind of relationships (after all the martyr/saint can do no wrong)

I'm going to keep it simple, but one characteristic that really shines out to me, is tolerance. We are all, or have been,  ridiculously tolerant   :)

@Expos I agree with much of your post however I would challenge the thought about emotional maturity. I agree we have compassion – probably way too much and many of us suffer from compassion fatigue. However, I see this as being different to emotional maturity.

Our relationships/partner choice is a reflection of our maturity. I’m not suggesting we are devoid of emotional maturity however it’s possible many of us hold varying degrees of emotional immaturity.

The reason many of us entered into a relationship with a Borderline is due in part to our own trauma history (BPD parent) and/or experienced an emotionally invalidating environment as children. In turn, we seek out to mask those feelings of invalidation/unworthiness via the mirroring/idealization of a Borderline.

Emotional maturity for me is the ability to see our part in the r/s dynamic, which this thread is addressing, owning that – building inner self trust, emotional control and emotional expression (good use of coping skills), exercise self validation, express autonomy and connectedness with others, protecting our core values with healthy boundaries, adapt to change while maintaining balanced emotions, don’t enter into self-sabotaging relationships, allow others to own their part and we accept ours.

On the other hand care-taking and fixing comes at a price – they put others first – leading to feeling empty, guilt-ridden, shameful, angry, anxious, afraid of rejection and abandonment – much of this is expressed throughout our posts here – we then feel emotional and physical exhaustion rather than growth.

One of the biggest benefits of finding bpdfamily.com is that we can process The Why’s on personal inventory – it really is a process! We will heal.

This is bloody honest and I can totally relate to that...

When people say to me "You should find a hobby!" The thing they don't understand... .  I have many hobbies, I just don't enjoy doing them anymore. Because all I feel is depress, I cannot concentrate on anything, except work. To me, going to work is a form of escape. 

Exactly... .  

In a discussion with a friend he pointed out that I am a peace maker.  I had know this before but it took on new meaning (again- learning lessons again).  One of my higher values is having peace. SO the choice is the peace I will lose when I leave, which is an unknown, verses the limited peace that I can sort of control if I stay.

Does that fall into codependent? 

Is that chickening out?  i do have D15 S13 that I know are not happy about BPDW/M.

I get this. What I found was patience was to become one of my biggest lessons. Working on you, with a T, on these boards, reading, working lessons... . all take time. Slowly the realizations about ourselves come. Taking the time to get to know who you are is key, you are worth taking that time and/or giving yourself the gift of this process. Learning to cope with being alone first, then being comfortable and content with being alone before you look to another relationship. A new relationship prior to this process being complete will only be a bandaid, the original underlying issues will remain. Building up your life around you, with hobbies (that you enjoy) and such, is a good start but it's only a start, that alone doesn't "fix" all.