BPDFamily.com

Yikes ... . I came close to blowing almost 6 months NC. (see my last post).

I became sentimental, forgiving all of those nice healing ideas, Thought contact would be a nice gesture. I got lots of good advice ":)ON"T DO IT". Glad I looked to the "fam".

I need to remember the abusive nature of this r/s.

- frequent abandonment - a small unintentional slight and she would "split" - going from loving to cold as ice - then I would get an email stating the length of the "detachment sentence".

- all problems were my fault - I walked on eggshells and still screwed up

- when she reappeared I was scared to ask "what happened? let's talk" for fear that she would take off again

- she had 23 years of recovery and held that above me - I saw her as an authority figure and felt "less than"

- she hated all my friends and things I held dear - I became isolated

- my friends said she was "emotionally abusive" and was using me financially - I ignored that

- we would talk of marriage. later she would say she was "just kidding", then she told me she was still married to her "ex" and didn't finish the papers so she would never marry.

- I told her early on that I used porn "OK - just don't ask me to watch it with you". When I made a decision to work on this addiction she said she was traumatized - our love making stopped suddenly. That happened at the height of our explorations - the most beautiful connected sex I had ever experienced. It felt like I was being punished for making a positive change in my life.

- she could not hold a job and pay her bills - she would appear "with an emergency - if something wasn't paid immediately the world would end". I would fall for it. When I asked to sit down and put everything int a spreadsheet she would refuse and state that she was an expert budgeter.

- she constantly criticized my house and was pushing for me to sell mine and buy hers - I was close to doing so. Ub a moment of weakness she confessed that her stopping the sex was a tactic to get me to sell my house.

- I foolishly got her a contact job with my organization - she suddenly quit 3 times at very bad times - times that we needed the work and had no back up.

- she would not communicate f2f about r/s issues - instead send me long intellectual essays showing me it was all my fault. Ant then say that I had poor communication skills.

- and then the final betrayal, moving back to her husband, but she wasn't intimate with him and that she still loved me ... . What the heck!

... . ok that's enough, I'm glad she's gone and I should NEVER initiate contact ... .  I have enough pain and deserve much better.

I am grateful to the year with her - i have learned so much about myself and what go me into and kept me it a sick r/s. I know what I want and need and it ISN'T her.