BPDFamily.com

A little history… I am 6.5 years into recovery for various things and in that time have had a few relationships, made my mistakes and did a few things right but I never really gave up hope that eventually I would learn and someone would come along that would at least stick it out and actually love me for who I had become and travel the rest of the journey together.  However, for the first time, this experience has left me dry and almost empty and my mind now can’t fathom ever trying again.

If I even speak to a woman now and get even the slightest clue that there is a personality issue, I’m gone like a rocket. This sounds like a good thing on the surface, and it is to a degree but I think the hope has been ripped from me. I don’t even care to bother with it anymore. I don’t like being alone, and I know we shouldn’t put so much faith and trust in people, but I trust no one now and in my mind, everyone is a liar, a cheat and are only out for themselves. Words use to mean something to me because I don’t speak mine without meaning them. Having lived 9 months around a person who apparently never meant a single word has left me wanting to find a cave somewhere and stay there. It’s amazing how much this took from me, excuse me, how much I let be taken from me.

Integrity. A trait that is totally alien to a BPD. It exists only as broken promises and they are clueless to their impact.


Horribly, we can all pretty much relate to your experience. 

Something I have learned the hard way, never to underestimate the manipulative capacity of a BPD. They have no remorse nor sense of decency. Empathy or compassion? Nothing. Only for show when it may be deemed appropriate, otherwise... . for the most part, don't count on it.

Pretty tough for a guy who grew up believing in the golden rule. I am pondering a new rule these days.

Theboro,   Act, don't react. How long were you in the BPD relationship that has left you so dry, 9 months?  It may just take some time to heal up first.

   I, like you, cannot begin to think of having another relationship.  It is probably a good thing that I have such a check on my emotional life.  It will keep me from rushing into anything.  Perhaps you should just relax a little first.  Have some time to reflect and unwind - and I don't mean a month or two.  They say not to do any drastic life changes or to find another relationship for at least a year after your spouse dies.  That's probably a good starting place.  You are grieving just as much as if she died.

It makes me wonder if people of integrity are easily targeted. And if so, how do they know?

Emotional radar. :)

Hi Wiser,

Yes, 9 months but we have known each other for little over 6 years. I am letting myself grieve fairly well but I find myself very discouraged not at her behavior for whatever reason or disorder, but because I let it happen to me. Part of my problem was the 2 years prior I became very fond of her, or rather, who I thought she was. It wasn't until we became a couple that I started to learn the truth.

I dated mine for a year before a big commitment.  You would have thought I would have picked up on it, but no!  My mom even liked him.  Don't feel bad, even therapists are fooled by these people!  Intelligence does not come into play - but wisdom does.  I am - sadder but wiser.

I noticed things early, they were not BPD related, just overall dysfunctional from prior to me being around. I just didn't respect myself enough or was so hooked to begin with I stayed in it mostly out of a false sense of honor and friendship. All our mutual friend thought this was the greatest combination off all time. I did too. However, my mom read her as bad news early on, but my mom hates everybody, so I didn't pay attention. The other thing was after so many years in recovery, I would self examine and assume that maybe the issue here is mine.

Today I am just really discouraged. I like to think, and she would even tell you, that I am a good man. A good catch. I treated her better than anyone from her past and loved her more too, her words... . Again, words don't seem to mean much anymore.

I fear that if I keep hearing what a good man I am followed by Good bye, one more time, I will chuck recovery and go back to being a jerk. Good man = Target

No theboro, never give up.  Just heal up and then find a good woman.  Not a BPD, OCD or any other initials woman.  One who is healthy and doesn't need your relationship to function. 

Just remember, even women with BPD have lucid moments.  When she says you are a good man, she is being lucid.

You say your mom hates everyone ... . BPD there?  It could explain some of your attraction to this behavior.

Hence my own sick radar

Too dead inside now to even imagine feeling anything again.

I hear ya.  But from time to time, I see a chink of light at the end of the tunnel... . I find something funny that somebody said, or I make a connection (just a friendship one) and I realise that she hasn't taken everything from me that I thought she had... .

Day at a time. xxx

Today has been a difficult day for me as well.  I feel dead inside.  It has been over two months NC.  Just planned a vacation in Hawaii with two friends at the end of Aug... . praying that I will wake up inside.  Hawaii is one of my most favorite places inthe world.  I am so sorry to hear that others are hurting so much becuase of what BPD has done.  I cannot believe that I got sucked in too.  I am smarter than that... . well maybe not

You will... . So will we all eventually. I don't think our intellect was at play when the hooks went in. I'm quite sure we are all smarter than that. hang in there!

lol

Good man= Rare find

Don't see myself ever getting into another relationship. His first ex, never did either.

Nope, no more of the romantic relationships here, either.  Emotional vampires.

Apparently not rare enough to keep from being traded. Rare generally equates to more value. Not in this realm.

Don't kick yourself Theboro.  She's crazy, remember?

Theboro

Live and learn.  Some lessons suck.

You have been hurt and devastated emotionally, and it will take time to heal.  Do not assume everyone is an emotionally sucking vampire, because it is not true.  Take your time... .   learn to trust your inner knowledge and instincts.  You have them for a very good reason.  Life will go on, and so will you.

Just stop beating yourself up.  Let it go.  We have all made our own BPD mistakes.  We know exactly how it feels, but it has to be done.  Stop dwelling on an illusion.  Be cautious but never give up.  If you do your ex has won.

When you can forgive and forget... .   you will be ready to move on.  You will get there... .  

Without a doubt it's a part of it as well as where we might be in our lives when a BPD comes into it.

Funny how one of the first things my ex used to say to me all the time (and still does) is about my 'integrity'. It was a huge attraction for her, made her feel safe and grounded knowing that I was a standup guy.

And yet... .   while I must admit she (almost oddly) does have integrity in many areas of her life, including how she's always been honorable even when broke and always paid me back, even during times it would have been easy for her to rationalize or justify doing so.

Oddly, she has very little integrity in how she treats or treated (i get so confused... . last i heard they broke up after she visited me... . She can have sex with her newest bf, be close to me via text email or a call and then have a fight with him in which she makes him say he broke up... . and then she will sleep with me with no guilt... .   then go back to him and do it again!

But this time she means it! haha... .   how crazy does this sound... .   (and I get my part in this. of course).

I too have dated lots of women and am also very sensitive and scared about making a bad choice, especially after I made just about the worst choice after i broke up with my ex... .   over a year in hell with a NPD... .   who was the same idealization but only if she needed something then I could be dead in the street... .   I'm not even sure which one was worse!

I think we have to give ourselves time and realize of course there is always something in another person we will not like... .

Sounds like there is more healing to be done.

Me too.

What they admire in you is the same as what they hate about you.  Think on that one a bit.  :)

theboro


You talk about integrity.  To someone with BPD integrity in a partner equals "trust".  They can trust and count on YOU.  People with integrity are often kind, forgiving, and they work hard at relationships.  They are givers who like to make things better for everyone.

They are perfect victims for pwBPD because, as we all know, they are takers.  

They are NOT trustworthy.  

I think laelle hit it right on the head.  They search for people who are everything they are not.  Eventually, the relationship will fail for that exact reason.

Having integrity is a wonderful quality.  share it with someone who will appreciate it.  A non-BPD.

It's a bit of a juggling act to continue on the path of being a man of integrity and yet not let myself be done this way again. To be what I am and take the target off my forehead. My hurt in all this, in my particular case, is being done in by a friend and sister. (I don't mean sibling) Along with all that, I carry the burden of being the only friend she has ever had that saw this stuff. All the others are clueless to what I saw and heard. I suspect they will remain that way. More of that integrity stuff.

Thank you

Theboro - Just hold the line anyway.   It is so hard to describe the behavior that only those who have experienced it really understand what you mean anyway.

This is easier if you are a secular person.  Even if you have integrity, you know that you are not obligated to cater to "crazy." 

However, if you are a spiritual person, the marriage wasn't just about you and the other person, right?  So now you wonder if you are letting God down... .     It makes everything so much harder.  You gave your 70 times 7.  You did your best to take the log out of your eye.  You acted in good faith.  You kept trying. 

The problem is, relationships are between at least two people.  We all have our free will, including her. 

So, don't seek revenge.  Don't let it change your core for the worse.  All things work together... .  

I won't, this is just a set back in my spiritual as well as recovery life. I let God down 2 weeks into it when I found out she had the morals of a billy goat and I didn't say adios... .   which would have done both her and me some good. My only issue as a man of faith is love enduring all things. I settled in there with, I will endure it from a distance.

Yes - Love hopes and endures all things.  If you can still feel pity and love for her, you have not let God down.  The philios love is more important than the romantic love, in the long run.  There is no despair like the feeling that you quit the race before the end.  However, we must get up and continue on.  The valley of the shadow is not meant as a permanent camp ground, but something to pass through.