BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

Despite pretty clear BPD behaviours on her part (including a suicide attempt) that led me to having to end my relationship with my ex fiance after four stormy years, a month later I crumbled and made every attempt to get her back for months!

Sometimes she responded, a few times we went out, other times I was accused of harrassing her but at times with the number of texts I would send I can see her perspective on this. I felt very panicked at the thought of being alone. I didn't stalk her or anything, just made every effort to get her back and this is before I discovered BPD which suddenly made things all clear for me.

I'm sure this makes me co-dependent which I accept and a year on I feel pretty healed but has anyone else done the same thing? I really did not recognise my clingy behaviour at the time and applied no logic to the situation. Why?

Hi,

I spent six excrutiating weeks attempting to get my BPDex of two years back.  It was just six weeks of further suffering.  Everything I did was met with blame, projection, coldness, and dismissal.  It was a complete dead end that only allowed her six more weeks to tear my confidence and self-esteem to shreds.  I was extremely co-dependent with her, but she was also with me... .   until one day she simply said, "I don't want to do this anymore".  That was it... .   gone... .   she flipped a switch and became a different person.  Nothing logical happened to cause it.  It brought me to my knees.  Their behavior makes you clingy, they want to see you beg, they want to see you suffer, so they have the oppurtunity to project their shame and justify their actions.  I am 3 1/2 months out and am only now able to concentrate on anything other than breathing in and out.  I had never loved someone so deeply in my life, but I am starting to accept she was nothing more than a ghost.  I have never felt so much pain.

Thanks for the perspective and sorry to hear what you are going through... .  

What made you stop contacting her? Six weeks isn't that long in the scheme of things... .   interested in what you have done since.

Shadow, I battled the urge to run after my ex for months. I had to stop myself at every turn and repeat, "you are NOT a doormat." it is a very powerful urge, and I believe it comes from the intense bonding experience we go through during the idealization phase. Even now, 12 weeks NC, I still feel incredibly bonded to him, and wonder, really, if that will ever go away.

In a normal relationship, having second thoughts, and running after an ex might result in another try at the relationship. From what I understand of BPD, running after an ex pwBPD results in what you experienced: more pushing away. It's characteristic of the disorder.

Ye i did, I broke up with her and moved home, yet when I found out she had a new boyfriend the next day I got jelouse, we had sex again and hung out for about 2 weeks, and then she chose him over me. I tried for the next few weeks yet all I got was abuse. I was split black he was white, I had no chance.

Blessed,

That really, really helps... .   I remember in the first month feeling very guilty about cancelling the wedding of her dreams, so when she tried to get me back in this short period I relented just as you described because I was feeling very guilty and confused.

Once I did, it was like she played a game with me to get everything to be my fault in the phases post break up, without ever wanting to focus on what had gone wrong prior to and what led to the break up and before long I was literally on my knees begging for forgiveness, inwardly taking all the blame and apologising for trying to move on afterwards!

I used to think sometimes when we were together that her childlike behaviour meant we were intellectually and emotionally on different levels when in actual fact she was a lot smarter than me by a long shot... .  

Thanks trevjim,

Assuming this was a while ago, spare a thought for him,... .   it won't be long before he is black and someone else will be white!

This sentence spoke out to me BIGTIME

That's how it ended in the end. They made 'us' the centre of their world, then it all changes and were the ones who are clingy and begging

Interesting

I stopped when I discovered she had started seeing someone else, contrary to what she had been feeding me.  I was definitely being persistent, but not overbearing.  When I discovered her new relationship I sent an email and left a voicemail calling her out on her behavior, lies, and manipulation.  I let her know that I had been in contact with her ex-husband and felt completely validated that she was mentally ill.  I discovered she was engaged to him for six months, married for eighteen months, and did the EXACT same thing to him.  He was very kind and had a great deal of empathy for me... .   even though we had never met.  It was spooky how both our relationships with her played out identically.  Same time frame, boughts of depression, social paranoia, emotional 'fits' out of nowhere, increasing jealously over inane things, silent treatments for no reason, non-stop push/pull all leading up to "I don't want to do this anymore".  No reasons, no explanations, just done.  No response from the email, however the voicemail telling her I had spoken with her ex did ellicit a response... .   the filing of a police report for harrassment.  She had been exposed, she knew it, and she was angry.  Maybe I overstepped my bounds, but I was hurting severely, needed someone to help me process what was happening.  Nothing came of the police report, as I had done nothing illegal, it was just her way of hurting me one last time.  I'm glad I did it, as it gave me immense validation that it was not me who was crazy (I was starting to think I was, despite what everyone around me was telling me).  Mental illness runs in her family... .   brother, mother, uncles.  There were several instances over the last few months that she openly communicated that she felt she may have a 'mood disorder', but never followed thru with getting help.  I love her, despise her, and feel sorry for her all at the same time.  Two years of being nothing but kind, loving, and incredibly supportive to her, only to be discarded like a piece of garbage.  I wish I had discovered this site long before I did... .   it's been a blessing.

I tried for a good 6 months after he broke up with me.  It was so shocking that I stayed in denial for a long time.  I was certain that he cheated on me.  I did everything people recommended- I gave him space and dated others.  I figured if I gave him space, he would miss me and come to his senses.  We were practically living together at the time.

When I finally came to the realization that he wasn't going to reach out to me, I would send him a nice text or email- just to check in.  He would respond with attacks- blaming me, playing the victim, accusations that I turned people against him and no one liked him, etc. etc.  It was so absurd.  We share a lot of mutual friends.  At first, he avoided me like crazy and then started popping back up again- telling me that he would always love me, then telling me that he wanted to date others.  I just couldn't take it anymore so I dropped all contact.  I still see him out, but I don't make any more efforts to even be friendly, because I know the power he has over me.  He's so good at manipulating my emotions that it's best to stay away.  It's now been 8 months since I've had a conversation with him.   

Wow, I can see exactly where you are coming from Inpieces... .   good on you for contacting the ex that she had painted black before me. I have never had the bottle to do that... .   from her perspective he beat her and spent all her money before she left him way before meeting me. And I fell for that hook line and sinker! I should by myself a white coloured suit of armour.

Yet she had a brand new Mini Cooper for herself borrowed from an extortionately priced car loan company at 40% interest rate and was £50k in debt when I met her! Thank god I didn't bail her out but I did help her clear the debt via bankruptcy.

I would bet my house that he wasn't as bad as she made out and she drove him to violence in the end... .   not that anyone could do that to me.

Shadowlands,

After speaking with her ex-husband, I don't believe a single negative word she ever spoke about him.  It was clear after speaking with him that much, if not all of her percieved injustices, dealt upon her by him were total fabrications.  He didn't speak ill of her, but was open and honest about her behaviors.  The supposed credit card debt she was in was due to him, yet he was never aware of any credit card debt and it was never brought up in their divorce proceedings.  She would say he was incredibly controlling and obsessive, yet could not ever provide me with examples.  Her story of past relationships that she told me about were COMPLETELY different to her relationship history she told her ex-husband.  Names were different, time spans, even the stories of how/ where/ when the relationships started and ended.  I think they do realize their behavior is not healthy, if not why would they try to hide so much of their past from us.  I was, and still am, in love with a girl who never existed.  It's very difficult to accept that, but I'm getting there.

Not all pwBPD exhibit the same behaviors

Yes, it is a common trait that when a pwBPD separates from you it seems to eventually lead to hurtful behaviors.  I've experienced the ignoring and false promises, but not the blame, shame or anger.  I do believe part of their conscious/subconscious behavior is intended to hurt you in some way because you were close to them and did hurt them in the r/s and it helps them channel the pain they live with on to you and the failed r/s.  It's as if they want you to hurt as much as they do.

After reading a forum for pwBPD,  when they move on they tend to not look back.  This is why they quickly move in to new r/s so they won't have to deal with the loss and remorse.  A quote I read here once describes it perfectly,  "continued contact with them will only serve to explore new levels of pain."   A pwBPD has such a rapture on their s/o that they know they hurt them (mine has apologized for hurting me) when they exit the r/s and instead of empathizing, they do whatever they can to push you away.  When they're done, they see you as past tense.  pwBPD only look forward and the past is only riddled with pain, anyone who has dated one should know this.

Everyone here must realize that the dynamics of a normal r/s are still in play with a pwBPD.  If they lose respect or get bored, they may look elsewhere.  If you didn't validate their feelings or prove your loyalty, they will find emotional attachment elsewhere.  My ex has even said while we were together to "never to beg", because she had a deep-seeded respect for me she never wanted to lose.  It was very tough during our split and in the initial 1.5 weeks she was there to talk things through to me although she wasn't interested in working it out (she had new supply), but then began nearly 2 months of about 4-5 messages which she either ignored or a quick empty promise to call me back which never happened.  Last week she finally replied to the message, "Can you at least tell me you're happier now?"  I think it was a great message because it showed I cared about her happiness more than anything else.  We met briefly at work to catch up and she even apologized for hurting me.

So what do we learn here?  :)esperation will be met with shame, blame and anger.  MAINTAIN YOUR RESPECT even if you try to continue contact.  Your attempts to contact them should be once every few weeks.  Understand you're not part of their life anymore and have no idea what they're going through so timing is everything and it just becomes a guessing game.  :)on't pour your heart out either, just make it a friendly non-committal attempt to reconnect in some way.

Grad,

Excellent advice that I wish I had at the time.  I was in an utter state of panic and confusion, with no clue as to why everything fell apart so quickly.  The pain and sense of abandonment made me take myself to places I never thought I would ever go (chasing, begging, complete desparation).  I allowed my confidence and self-esteem to be shattered 'In Pieces'.  It was only after my therapist heard my story months later and referred me to a therapist specializing in treating those suffering from BPD that everything made sense.  It was like a million light bulbs all going off at once... .   our entire relationship was textbook BPD.  It still hurt incredibly, but I started to get some understanding and the closure I needed, by knowing there will never be any.

I have to say no, I have not tried desperately to get him back. I ended the relationship after pouring out all my love, patience, and compassion on him only to be told he hated me and wished I would disappear. He shattered my heart in so many pieces that night, I could never go back. I lost all trust in him and felt I no longer knew him. After I told him I was ending the relationship, I never made further contact. I gave my heart to this man and love him, but I know I would be going back to further abuse. I don't see how a friendship could work--even if I could maintain strong boundaries and actually keep it as a friendship and nothing more. The hurt he inflicted is so deep it is beyond repair. The last thing I would want to do is make contact and find he's already dated a bunch of women since we broke up and forgotten about me.

Thanks for all responses... .   as ever they help every time.

It's funny, recovering from a normal relationship break up is like climbing back up a 10ft wall after you have fallen down. Tough to do, but do-able.

Recovering from a BPD relationship after discovering what BPD is feels like having a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle that you thought you had almost finished suddenly smash back into many pieces and the only way you recover is to try to put together what the helll happened piece by piece as you learn more about BPD... .   but when you get to piece 965 you realise that you will never find the other bits!

Every time I visit this site though I get stronger and stronger by a couple of percent and I am please to say I am 90% there... .   and the urge to want to help others on this site makes me a better person in the process 

Once she made up her mind it was done. However, she did once say after she had decided it was over: "I really want to be with you right now". I walked her back to her place and she said she wouldn't invite me in because we'll end up having sex. I did feel like I had a chance to mend things after that but the more I gave her attention the less she was interested and for a sweet gesture of delivering flowers to her office I was met with a text "We should stop talking to each other".

Basically they will push when you're kind. Be desperate? Probably push stronger. Not care and ignore? They'll forget about you, unless you contact them from time to time giving them the attention they need when they're not getting enough attention from their new and idealized partner. And maybe when there is room to wiggle you in and you make a move then they will concede another go at a relationship.

All the options seem doomed to me and I wouldn't want to be part of it even if I can have another go.

Those nons that are trying to reunite with the BPD play an interesting role in the whole scheme.  The exBPD now has a new soulmate yet is willing to rekindle the r/s with the ex?  A healthy person exits one relationship completely and presented an opportunity, will look at a new relationship when, and only when, it seems there is a connection and when the individual is healthy again.  Yet, here is the BPD head over heels in love with one while trying to manipulate the ex into supporting he/she.  If that's not messed up I don't know what is?

I can totally relate to this, even the timeframe. It is like I wrote it.

Mine told me she had BPD (self diagnosed), bought me a book on loving someone with BPD, and asked me if I was in this for the long haul. I said I was. I assured her I was.

So when she broke up with me via text and a phone call just a day or two after spending six days together, and six weeks before I was to move 1000 miles and get an apartment near her, I really could not believe it. Besides the shock at her turnaround, there was the feeling I had that I had to make sure she was serious and this was what she really wanted.

She never appreciated that I hung in there and kept in contact with her for two months. She did not even care that I did that. She cared nothing about our plans for the future, she then claimed she did not have BPD, and she found a new man within two weeks or so.

It was at this point she wasn't in denial and felt shame about the failing r/s and was willing to do anything to make it work.  Since the core issue with BPD is abandonment, she wanted to make it work until... .  


She had found her new supply and the denial set in once again.  You must realize that BPD is a very serious mental disease and it's easier for them to forget the troubles it "has caused" and start over with someone new.  It's only after the pattern repeats itself and damages enough people she truly cares about to truly seek help.  They know they're broken but they blame it on the environment and rarely want to admit they're wrong.

Hi Shadowlands

This reminded me of my attempt to explain my situation to a friend.  I said that I felt that my ex and I had been completing a jigsaw - building it together - and then he'd run off with the last piece.  Then there was always something missing.

I have never asked him to leave. I have never asked him to come back.    He has done both several times. However, I must have been giving off some signals that I wanted him back or was willing to recycle because he always managed to want to reconcile at a time when I was open to that.

Yes, I did. When my ex left me without warning, without letting me know, simply deciding to cut me out of his life splitting me completely black in a matter of 10 minutes, refusing all contact, I desperately tried to communicate with him. For 3 months I tried everything. Then I continued another 2 months to get my stuff back. 7 months after the break I sent him a text, partly because I was still in so much pain and partly because I had to inform him of something. The way he responded I knew things had changed and we met to talk a few weeks after that. I later found out that this coincided with his splitting his new male friend he had triangulated me with, so no surprise I was all of a sudden white again.

We got back together, good at first. I felt better equipped having found out about, and educated myself on, BPD during the time apart. But all the same problems came back and his disordered behaviors. We went for CT which helped to a degree but then it all fell apart. He triangulated me again with new people and old and I decided I couldn't do it anymore. There's no point regretting trying again but the only good thing that came out of that was knowing I tried with the knowledge of his BPD and it changed nothing. But it would have been better had I already known this when he left me and spared myself so much more suffering by getting back together. Getting them back only means more BPD craziness and more suffering. There really is no way for us to win over this disorder, and I am wondering if there is for them either.

Not sure why that post with the quotes came out all jumbled. Here is what I wanted to say:

Yes, but we were good when she heard from a friend that she might have BPD, and then took the assessment test online.

I think the core of BPD, at least in the case of my ex is emotional attachment. I found a blog from a woman who suffers from BPD, and I wish I could find it again. It was about how she felt suffocated, and like she had lost control of her life when someone got too close to her. That's when she had to break off a relationship.

So, the "soulmates" thing, the once in a lifetime love, the closeness and attachment that many (most?) people crave in a relationship actually seemed to make my ex run.

I still love my ex, but would never go out of my way to try and win her back. The prize isn't worth the effort, plus she's already on the rebound in a LDR.

I tried, and quite desperately at that. We got into a huge fight about religion that I found out later was premeditated by her, and she went to her moms for the weekend to "think it over". I later found out she had already made her decision before all of this. I found out in a short email the next morning that our differences were apparently irreconcilable and it didn't matter that I acknowledged my wrongdoings and was willing to work on my problems and change. I then tried texting her a flurry of texts to reconsider, that I'd change, that this was crazy, that we loved each other, that she should give me the chance I gave her with her drinking. I said I couldn't live without her and that I'd do anything to keep her back. I said I'd try and open up to Christianity. I bought a bible, started reading it, watched documentaries on a case for a creator and Jesus and reported to her. She said she was reconsidering, that she wanted to believe me that I'd be open to belief and would change and could make her happy, that she was afraid to see me because she'd do something impulsive. Then a few days later when my sister tried talking to her, she said we didn't know god like she does and she only said she was reconsidering to get me to leave her alone.

I then texted her a few semi angry texts about how after everything she put me through I deserved a chance and that she was seeing things through a distorted view. I told her I was having constant panic attacks, couldn't eat, was having very dark thoughts. She just said sorry can't help you, find god. I mostly have up, but about another week later apologized for the things I did wrong and said I hope she'd find happiness in a letter and sent her flowers. I read something on her Facebook about fear being the opposite of love, and I freaked out and texted her all of the fear she put me through and that I stayed through it all only because of how much I loved her. She said leave her alone, I had dashed her to pieces, and there's no hope left. She said only god and Jesus could help me. I was able to hold off contacting her for another three weeks, but when I recently realized a lot of my behavior constituted emotional abuse, I apologized in a long text and told her the measures I was taking to improve myself and recommended a book on emotional abuse that give help to both the abided and the abuser. I again wished her the best. She ignored it.

I think I'm finally done trying to contact her. She's apparently seeing a new guy already based on what I can deduce from Instagram and Fb, though I've sworn off checking as of last week. I last saw her 6 weeks ago during that last fight.

Hi, I think most people who answer yes to this question will have been in shorter relationships where they still have hope that their partner can and will change. Maybe you will be like I was, unaware of the diagnosis but knowing something is wrong with their capacity to love and show care and concern but feeling like you will be able to help them, that you have enough love to get you both through. And maybe you'll see that sometimes it seems like its going to work, and they are trying really hard and it feels safe to make new plans together, but then something happens, there's another unresolved argument, another situation that doesn't make sense and they need more of your love so you can move on together again. And pretty soon the years slip by, and always just when things seem peaceful and calm something else comes up and you wonder where did this come from, if I can only get him to understand how wrong this is surely I will have by now covered every aspect of living and we will finally be able to live the quiet, loving life that I know is within our reach. But it never happens. You will never fix him, it is not your job. You are not qualified to do it. And every time you fix something you give up a part of yourself and you lose the energy you once had for life. And many many years down the road when you finally realize this and give up you are too tired, you are only a shell of yourself and you don't have the energy anymore to even consider trying a little bit to get your xBPDh back, you know it would destroy you. Please, think seriously before initiating contact again. Educate yourself, know what chance he has for change if you stay with him. When you are young you don't think you will ever be old but the years slide by faster then you can ever imagine. Love yourself, find a partner that will share the challenges of life with you, not increase the agony by creating ever harder challenges, find a partner who will be a good parent to your future children, find a partner to grow old with, sharing each others memories and a lifetime of mutual love.

Thanks Cumulus,

I really feel for those who were married for years/decades to an affected person, and then it ended. I know I am lucky that I did not reach that point.

And yes, you never know what the next issue will be, but there is always a next issue, and it is usually sooner rather than later.

Well said, Cumulus.  |iiii

BPD seem to thrive on uncertainty and chaos.  They fear getting too attached themselves.  This is why the minute things seem to be going perfect and they're telling you they've never felt this way before, that they've never been this happy, and they feel like a little kid again... .   catastrophe seems to come from no where and challenge your ability to maintain the r/s (and more importantly, prove your love to them).

Wow, just writing that out gave me an epiphany.  Their core abandonment fear is in play so the minute they feel the engulfment of losing themselves to happiness, their self-defense mechanism, splitting, the one that says "don't get too attached, this person will leave you", kicks in and now you're navigating a very complex minefield to prove your love while they are trying to push you away.   In a sense they're going to make you get attached more then they are.  This is how the BPD maintains control and why us NONs are left wondering What the heck when they leave.  They make you lose yourself in them trying to prove you truly do love them. 

I never officially tried to get my exBPD wife back... .   although I have thought about it often.  I wrote a letter to her that was extremely revealing, honest, and told her how much I really did love her despite all that happened.  I wrote it with intention of moving her to tears.  In fact, my parents actually teared up after they asked to read it.  It was therapeutic and felt good to do so. But there was no begging. 

It's been a full week and I have not received a response back.  I don't think I'll ever receive one.

I made a point to never come off as desperate to her.  I came off desperate to once to a non-BPD gf many years ago and felt so embarrassed by it that I promised I'd never humiliate myself like that again.

I realize that I've been painted black by my ex-wife and she'll never come back... .   which is hard to accept.  I choose to divorce her... .   and even though she filed she'll always know I'm the one decided to end it. 

She is so cold, she won't even tell me what town she lives in and will not tell me a thing about her life.  She will not let me see our dog.  It's very bad.  Talking to her is like talking to a complete stranger now and it is hurtful.  This was someone I was married to, we shared a bed, a home, and 80% of our waking moments were spent together.   I've never experienced such a cut off like this in my entire life, and I've had a lot of girlfriends, most of which I'm still on speaking terms with!

That being said, I'm literally chomping at the bit to meet someone hotter, mentally stable, and a all-around better person begin a new life with.  I know this is the wrong way to go about things, but I'll be patient and wait for the right one to spend my time with.  At this time, I feel this is the only way I'll personally be able to rid my thoughts of her.   

Meanwhile, she'll continue to idealize, de-value, hate, and be lonely again.  And one day, she'll see a photo of me and cry at the wonderful life she squandered. 

great thread shadowlands - and a big yes from me

my neediness and clingyness was ridiculous and like nothing I had ever witnessed in myself

like you, I could see things from my ex's perspective and 14 months later can even wonder if my codependency issues were greater than his BPD / NPD problems

some of the wiser members on here reminded me that it was a dance... .   with two players. We only respond with desperate neediness because of the devaluing they did to us and our need to right the ship. My ex deflected, blamed, shamed and then discarded all with incomprehensible speed, so I am convinced that even the healthiest person would have pursued for answers.

I eventually stopped trying to win them back when I realised none of this was really about him. They trick us into making the whole r/s about them... .   passively and overtly... .   so half of the problem is the gap they leave. There is no-one left to focus on but ourselves and our own issues... .   and this can be very hard to bear. We try to reduce the anxiety that this causes by pretending to ourselves that we were in love. We were not.

I can still feel the pull of that r/ship at times... .   and would love to find closure. But they won't give that to us. And I will not cave and give him more supply all this time later. He would shake his head with pride if he knew I still had so many questions after all this time.

I would try to flip my desperate need to with my ex back by reminding myself that it was my inner child that was actually screaming out for understanding ... .   and not, in fact, my ex. So I channelled that energy into understand my FOO and the erroneous beliefs instilled in me at a young age. Trying to understand that person is far healthier - and far morely likely to succeed than pursuing a disordered ex

bb12

This has been a fantastic thread I can relate so much to this my gf of 2.5 years after probably a dozen recycles dropped the same exact bomb on me about 30 days ago.  After only days earlier pressuring me to move in together. I received a late night text "I cannot do this any more I dont feel the same" I let her cool off for about two days and went to talk to her.  All I got was more more of the same "I am sorry i dont feel the same you are the most intelligent beautiful motivated man i have ever met but i dont feel anything for you any more." "Thank you for trying to help me" This was literally the only time she has ever apologized in our 2.5 years.  I asked her yet again can we please see a T together. She said she has no desire to work on anything that she doesnt care about. She told me that she met someone who she has a little crush on but doesnt want to pursue him.  I dont want to find out if that is true or not i just need to detach for good. I was extremely emotional the entire time and her level of coldness was unparalleled. She couldn't even give me a hug goodbye.

I have been NC ever since and do largely in part to the help of this board.  I really appreciate the strength this board has given me. I told her when she said this to me that I cannot go on or ever let her back in my life after this unless she agrees to see someone.  My only regret is not finding out about her BPD sooner.

Great quote this resonates with me.  It is so much easier to work on us and try and find someone new then trying to fix something that isnt fixable

I'm starting to post on these forums now as it is helping me in the latter stages of healing - a few weeks shy of 6 months no contact.

When mine 'flipped the switch' and no longer wanted anything to do with me, was already wrapped up in her once painted blacker than black ex I went to the new found lows of hundreds of messages, asking to meet, looking for answers etc, she met with me and I dont need to tell the story about how that went - projection, insults, heart break etc. It was then that I, luckily, found out about seeing her ex again - digusted I went no contact immediately - left many unanswered questions and had to work through the emotional turmoil of it all from scratch. 

Personally, no contact is the only way forward but in the early stages of break up it comes at a high price namely almost losing your sanity. I also feel that strict no contact eliminates the chances of them ever reconnecting, I was called stalker, bunny boiler, a monster to women everything - no contact was my tool to start breaking down that image in her head and her troupe of enablers. Strict no contact does slowly repair your self respect, but also I feel it makes you 'unapproachable' to the BPDex.

6 months down the line? Healed - partially. Willing to partake in a new relationship? - maybe, with the correct person. Got my life back - getting there and speeding up now. Yearning for a reconnect - yes, and that is I think my final stage of healing - however I think my strict no contact has aided all of the above but ruined the reconnect. Any thoughts?

Yeah I tried.

Usually when we broke up, we kept fighting for a while a got back together.

The last time she was different. She started blocking me on messenger such as whatsapp and viber and didn't pick up my calls. She then told me that she doesn't want to see my number on her phone and that I should stop calling or texting her. If I had anything to say I should email her.

The following 2 weeks I tried to call her and talk with her. No chance. She either didn't pick up or when she did she told me how great her life is now, how glad she is that the relationship is over, how she can do things now that she couldn't do because of me and that the relationship was the worst year of her life. I tried again on our anniversary, which was 2 weeks after we broke up. She forgot about the anniversary already, for her the 2 weeks seemed to be like 2 years. At some point she said that she doesn't want to meet me because she is scared of me and thinks I want to beat her up. After telling her that she ever says I want to kill her again or tell other people that I want to do that I would sue her for defamation, I stopped contacting her because I realized that it was simply impossible to talk to her. I called her a couple of weeks later on her birthday and that was when she told me she is already seeing someone else. After that I stopped contacting her ever again and ever since then I don't want her back.

Looking back I assume that she met that other guy shortly before our final break up, because she acted very different from the either times when we broke up. Or maybe it was because for the first time, I said no when she asked me to help her with something.

Anyway, I tried. But once your are painted black and your replacement is in the line it's impossible to have a normal conversation with them.

Apparently some of them try to contact you again later, but mine is the cut off kind of type. I don't think I will ever hear anything from her again. Considering her behavior at the end, I also actually don't want to.


Which is absolutely for the best, because she is simply insane. The longer you have NC the more you will forget about her. Time can heal any wounds after all.

Looking back I am glad that I tried. Seeing what a cold b!tch she can be helped me to get closure. I don't want to be with a woman who can treat a loved one like that within such a short time after the break up. It's simply insane, BPD or not.

Many thanks for the validation of her insanity. The minute my heart was shattered I knew that No Contact and time were my only weapons against the disorder. No Contact has been a process, long and arduous, but it was the only road to take. My goals have fluctuated during that period as well, wanting revenge, wanting an apology, wanting validation that I meant something. Just shy of 6 months I can now safely say that my one want is to have total indifference, and as you said, only time will give me that.

I am not nearly as far out as you (2 months nc) but I too feel nc has been the only option for me.

I did not feel tempted to beg her back this time... . well I was tempted but I am stubborn and made a promise to myself that I wouldn't.  I had begged her back so many times in the past and this time if she wanted me to stay she was going to have to take some actual accountability for what happened.  Right after the fight I apologized for what I had done wrong... . and I realized it was always me who was saying I am sorry. 

It takes two people to have a fight.  One is not all wrong and one is not all right.  I let her be all right for far too long.

So my stubbornness got me thru at first.  The nc has been what has gotten me thru the worst... . well that and putting the focus back on myself!

Time does heal!  I look back at my journals from even 4 weeks ago and see I am in a much better place than I was then. 

Really good stuff and very happy that you are on the upwards. I kept a daily journal as well, it helped in the beginning.

Around the 4 to 4.5 month mark I had a bit of a relapse of feelings. From experience, if you get something like this, apparently it is quite normal. I suddenly felt anger, some rage, some depression almost fluctuating throughout the day, little comments or even banter could set me off a little to someone. I can attribute it to the toxicity receding, the spell being broken and also my personal boundaries returning or being formed. I felt ready to start 'mingling' with women again but it felt forced as if a piece or two was missing - overall effect - frustration. The BPDex was long gone, already in new relationship and happier than ever, where I had been licking wounds for months.

It was as though I was feeling all the things I was not allowed to feel during the relationship. I suppose it was my closure to the relationship, one that I manufactured from within. Since that relapse, and because I focussed on bettering myself even though that was extraordinarily difficult at times, things have started getting better, and truly better. If you do get that little relapse mid healing, stay strong and weather the storm, you'll see that its only a passing cloud rather than a torrendous downpour.

wow this.  I remember my exBPDgf said that our relationship was "all about contro" and who has the power.  It's like they project this weak unassuming persona but underneath is an alpha predator.

Snap, its crazy, another example - I am a relatively laid back individual - not a lot flusters me type of person. During idealisation I was her calming influence, her rock, someone she could lean on, during the devaluation, with the same calming influence I was lazy, demotivated, walked around like a 'stoner' and when discard came around I had no go, would never amount to anything, no woman would ever want me and I was no man at all. Its like a ying and yang effect, any quality you have that was idealised at the start is used against you in the most vidictive way by the time the discard comes around. Painful beyind belief and makes you question your own core. Your an instant soulmate and then they start building a picture as to why you are not their soulmate.

'In the beginning they mirrored us and it was wonderful, in the end we mirror them and its horrendous.'

I had this exact same thing too. Just remember its projection. Its they who feel like they will never amount to anything & no-one will ever want them, so thats what they accuse us of.

Try to ignore it & stay strong  :)

Hey Everyone.

I am a not so innocent "victim" of BPD. I met Him nearly 18 months ago. I was married and not in a very good place.
My marriage had been tenuous at best for the last year and my ex and I had been swinging for a few years when HE came over. I felt an immediate connection. We had never met but our worlds had been dancing around eachother for most of our lives. I told my ex how I felt and that I wanted to pursue a relationship with Him. I said I felt a deep connection to Him and I would only accept such in our next sexual partner.
For obvious reasons, that didnt go over well... .But it didnt stop me. In what I can only describe as a selfish rage, I decided to pursue Him. And I did, and it worked.
For the next year He and I were on again off again friends and lovers. All the while my marriage crumbled around my feet. My ex and I attempted marriage counselling, but neither of us was entirely honest about what we going on. Finally almost 4 months ago I left. A year after I should have, and I wish I had then. But I was weak and scared and confused about my situation. But I summoned my courage, and packed my ___.
Within a few weeks... HE and I were back together. He had been open about his mental illness with me for a while. He had disclosed his diagnosis before my ex and I had called it quits. So I went into this knowing he was not well, but he was medicated and seeing a psych nurse weekly. Things were amazing. For 3 months we spoke everyday and saw eachother 3 to 5 times a week. He helped me put in my garden and I helped weed his.
He was still struggling with depression, sometimes my visit was his reason for getting up. I often woke him in the morning, stopping in on my way to work.
After about a month He started calling me his girlfriend and introducing me to his friends and family.I began to do the same. He seemed to feeling more stable and dare I say happy. Around the 3 month mark he met my kids. My son was head over heals for him. They spoke the same language. It was lovely.
To give you a little background at this point I think is necessary. He has a child too. The childs mother is very manipulative amd uses their child as a pawn. She is very hurtful and uses his triggers against him often ( there were times when he would see her then sleep for 3 days).
Anyways, 3 weeks ago he broke my heart. We were at the point where we were seeing eachother almost everyday. He had met my kids. We spent a weekend together, went to the Bay. Played in the water with the kids. Had dinner and a sleep over. He left Sunday morning. He was going to see his daughter so I didnt bother trying to call until the evening. He didnt answer but that is typical of him after spending time with his childs mother.
So I tried him in the morning and got a cryptic text. "Too much bad news. Call you later". When we finally connected after work he dropped me like a sack of hammers. Said it was over. He had spoken with the childs mother and she put things into perspective and he called me a fantasy. Too good to be true, he got carried away. He didnt want a relationship.
I have tried to contact him since with little success. Save for returning items... .All of which at first he instsited I throw away because it "hurts to much to see me".
I am devastated. I honestly felt like this man was connected to me the way i felt connected to him. Like he was my companion. I felt I could be myself around him and accepted him as he was without wanting anything more than his company. Reciprocity was, I thought, the basis of our relationship.
I guess I was wrong.
I am on here looking for closure I doubt I will get from him. I have read about a lot of people who were ditched over night when they thought their partner was in love too. Bpd is a hard road I have come to understand.
I am still in that holding on for dear life stage. I have this hope that is so deep within me, that perhaps he will see what he has tossed aside and let me back in. Like before when I was still married and we were on again off again.
I text him good morning daily still.
Outwardly I am trying to move on, but in my heart of hearts I know I would drop everything for him.
Thats sad. Pathetic really.
How do you cope with this feeling of utter rejection? I am at a loss.

Yes 4 times in fact, after these futile attempts (I did not know she was s BPD at the time) the same thing occurred, she punched and kicked me repetivetively. Once she almost killed my children and me while I was driving on the expressway going 65mph by beating on me, throwing the GPS at my head and throwing everything in the glove compartment at me. It still took me sometime after that to break away from this possessed demon.

Now I know better, I know about this nightmare brain disease that has no cure. I cut my loses and have slammed the door shut for good.

Knowledge of BPD is now my strength to move on with my life.