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With her father present, and me, we had a long talk about mental illness with dd19.  We said whether it was due to something we did, or whether it was going to happen no matter what, like a switch flipping, she is where she is.  And like so many on this board know, and what we told her... .   We can't want you to get better more than YOU want to get better."  She told us she did not like how we were ignoring her. (we have been) and she demanded to know why, we told her "It is too painful to watch you destroy yourself, we just can be a part of that cycle."  She then sent this quote to me... .     saying that this is what she thinks we are telling her

The Worst Thing is Watching Someone Drown and Not Be Able to Convince Them They Can Save Themselves By Just Standing Up

Maybe this is a step forward for her.  She sees more clearly how we feel, and what her role is in saving herself.

Mikmik

Awesome quote.  I wish I could go back in time and could have shared it with my ex during the demise of our relationship.  Sounds like she really 'gets' it.  |iiii

Awesome quote and so validating to you and your dh.  Sounds like she gets it.

Griz   

I am going to hang that on my fridge... .  

Hello dear mikmik   

So good to see you hear again and especially good to see you are here to share good news.

As we know, being personally aware that there is a problem preceeds doing anything about a problem.  As your d moves towards discovering what/how to solve this problem it may be beneficial to her and your relationship that you reflect these words back to her.  We can only hope that it will give her pause to own her own recovery should she slip into denial and begin to project blame for her pain outside of herself.

Asking her in the form of a validating question if she "Can stand up and see a way to save herself in this situation?" will remind her that she has the power to change what she is not satisfied with in her life.  We can hope and pray for you and for her that this is the next step towards peace for all of you.

 

lbj

Dear mikmik,

So good to hear from you.  It sounds like the conversation was real and insightful.  Great Mentalization.  You explained your perspective.  Your daughter mentalized and articulated what she thought you meant and you concurred.  It helped your daughter realize how you feel and that she can understand those feelings.  Creates closeness and a feeling of safety for her.

Reality

To all... .  

I hope this is forward progress rather than one of those bright but temporary moment of growth and self reflection .

Thx to each of you.

Mik

mikmik

I just wanted to add my 2 cents... .   I had tears in my eyes reading your post. I see this as a huge step for your dd and I am very hopefully for you and your family. Such a hopeful sign and I think until our kids realize this they will continue to struggle.  

jellibeans, reality, griz, lbj, jkn, rose t,


We all shed too many tears on this board, for joy and sorrow, fear and exhaustion, haven't we!  It has been a few days now, since Easter.  And for whatever reason, whatever cards fell into the order they did, dd19 seems to still be holding on to bits of her self awareness.  She pointed out the difference for her, is that at this moment (how long do moments last in BPDland?) she wants to get better for her, not that we are making her, or telling her... .     Something happened that is creating a situation that she wants to get better for herself.  In that light, she asked to be assessed and has started a partial outpatient program today.  Only three hours a day, because that is all she could do.  She hasn't really left the house in months.  AND she said she had an OK time.  Only day one.  And there are fourteen more to go, and then a re-eval.  WE all know day one is doable, it is the next fourteen that will tell out.  I am not optimistic nor pessimistic.  I think I am just numb.

  I am still not taking a deep breath, or trusting this, or counting on it.  It is just unfolding.  For instance, she wants to take a bit better care of herself.  In that, when I ask her to bring down dirty dishes, she does not rage.  She currently has a load of washing going (first time in weeks).  Not fun stuff, but necessary.  We shall see.



mik

That is awesome - she seems to really get it, and seems very intelligent as well!

mikmik,

I think it is a perfectly understandable thing to feel numb. You have gone through so much, you've been there, done that.    Sometimes, more often than not, we have all experienced disappointment, so you do not want to hope ahead of time, or give up unnecessarily... .  

You are doing the right thing: taking it as it comes.   

Might I make a suggestion, though? If you take that deep breath anyway, several of them, in fact, you will feel better, more relaxed. |iiii

I think that your daughter's quote is a sign of a profound milestone. And I think you will be able to use it in the future to gently help her remind herself, how far she has traveled already.

mikmik I am so glad to see you here 

Whatever happens, you have those words to fall back on, you can ask her to stand up again.

I am thinking of you and your dd and her dad (so good to have him on board).

Yes, breathe deeply and evenly. Enjoy that you can breathe.

Cheers,

Vivek      

ViveK and Pessim-Opt and Bio-Adopt,

Well, she went for three days to out patient, stayed home yesterday, but is currently getting ready to go again today.  Only three hours of out patient a day, but I guess for her, it is monumental.  She likes the people, and the T so far.  Funny enough, her own T who was to visit her last week called to say she could not locate her.  Come to find, she thought dd19 was in a different program in a different wing (how does THAT happen).  Know dd was there, because (yes I did) I drove past clinic and saw her car.  Correct license plate.  (Yes, I went that far).

The only thing that I know that changed is that I detached.  Something she shifted in her, meds, timing, age, real consequence of us selling house and her being on her own, her not wanting to carry her anger forward and putting it on someone she loves, the way she sees her dad putting on me?  Perhaps bits and pieces of everything and the stars aligned?  One thing I know about BPD is you can't trust it.  It will lead you by the nose, down a path of hope, only to pull the rug out from under you.  So, I am only in today.  I am only wanting her to go today.  I am only wanting her to get better for herself, today.  We shall see.

My T said about BPD and DD19, that when the student is willing, the teacher will appear.


mik

mik

I think you are very wise... .   living in the moment and not letting your hopes get too high because you are right you can only live for today... .   tomorrow might be very different. That being said I am very hopeful for you and you dd. 3 hours seems like a lot to me and it must be hard for your dd who has really been leaving the house. Such progress... .   such awareness... .   such bravery on your dd's part... .   I hope the stars stay just where they are for now because something is really going right in your world... .   may the sun be shining on you today... .   drink it up

mikmik,

How I envy your being able to live only in today. 

This is something very difficult for me to do.  It's not my nature.  I am a planner. 

It's so ironic that in dealing with BPD we must take on the BPD mindset, mimic the same quirks in order to help our loved ones as well as ourselves.

I to like the quote.  I have many times said,  I feel like I am watching my dd from the side of the water going under and under again and again.  Everyone on the side is holding me back saying she has to want to swim.  Yet, I think I know how to save her... .    

thanks for sharing.  Hope things continue to work out .   

I love the quote.  Is your daughter on her own?  Our daughter is on her own, but we see her almost everyday and it's painful and often conflicted. I can also relate to the numbness that someone mentioned.  I am so glad that the boards are here for people like us to share and read.

Hi Emptyness,   

Welcome to our parent's board. It's such a sad name you have chosen... .   you must feel sad for your dd (dear daughter) to cause you pain. We have all been there indeed.

My dd is now 32 but we only discovered BPD last year. Finally everything began to make sense. Posting on the boards here has been a godsend for me, it is a wonderful community of people who understand (finally someone who knows what it feels like!)

Why don't you start your own thread with a new topic to introduce yourself to us? Perhaps you could tell us a bit about your situation and what you would want to get out of posting here. I know people would like to welcome you.

Vivek    

I think is more like she is drowning and I am on the side of the pool with the swim instructor... .   who is trying to teach her to swim... .   I am telling her she should only go in the swallow end until she can swim well ... .   and she is going down for the third time... .   and I just want to reach out my hand and help her. The whole times she is screaming save me!

It is like watching them drown, and how desparate they are, and how they flail around.  They use all that energy, and only manage to suck water in their lungs.  In their panic they can't see straight.  And we panic, and we flail, and we fail to save them, because only when they can calm themselves and be in a place to hear the instructions willingly, can they save themselves.

I don't think I am brave, or srong, or wise.  I think like others here before me, I have reached a point of awareness of myself.  I told my daughter on Easter, during our talk, that this disorder that is consuming her is overtaking my daughter.  I don't want this disorder, I want my daughter back.  My daughter who is still in there somewhere has to be the one to fight her way out of this disorder.  So now I wait for her.  And while I try, I will not give my energy to feed BPD.  It is a sneaky disorder that feeds on the non's emotions.  The disorder has gone too far with me, and now I choose to ignore it, dismiss its loudness.  But I will give my daughter all the love and support I can.  As odd as that sounds, that is where I am right now.

Not brave, not wise, not strong at all.

mik

Hi everyone,

I really like the swimming analogy. BPD is like someone drowning. And when a drowning person flails around too much, they can actually drown themselves AND the person that is trying to save them... .   So sad.

But it looks like your dd is making progress at the moment, which is always a time of great relief (even if it is sometimes temporary).

|iiii bravo! and again you are so succinct!

love you mikmik,

Vivek      

pessim

I wrote a long letter to my dd today and inside I included the story about swimming.

Who would have guessed, in a moment of clarity, a pwBPD would provide such an insighful quote about how BPD feels, and how it must feel to be a parent of a pwBPD.  Thank you all for apprecitating the quote.   And thank you to the person who put those words together initially.  I don't even have a name to give them proper credi

mik