BPDFamily.com

I have spent a long time worrying about my BPD.  Today I realized that there are people in my family who I have left by the wayside in my effort to be good enough.

Me and my family.  Today I bought myself a monitor at a great price, sent my daughter (who lives in the usa) a necklace, and my family back home some chocolate covered strawberries.  I still have to get something for my ex husband's family (not the BPD) because without them I could not have survived here in France.

I owe them big time for putting up with all the stupid things I have done the past year.  Its time I stop feeding a selfish relationship and start feeding the healthy ones.

:)

Wow, this sounds great. 


This is a really great motto.

I will copy this on my proverb list at home... .  

 I have run away from looking at my issues for such a long time.  Way before my BPDex entered my life.  I ran physically and emotionally.

I hated the usa so much because of the pain it caused me (a mother who did not understand me and the memory of being tortured by my peers) I ran to France.

I always feared that if people got to know me they would reject me, just like everyone did when I was young and obese.  I pushed people away for fear that if they loved me I would only disappoint them.  I only got close to a few people. My BPDex didnt reject me when I opened up, he understood, loved and accepted me.  Idealized me.  

I tried to make my daughter as different from me as possible.

I taught her not to let people bully her, taught her birth control and emotional maturity vs abstinence through religious fear. I taught her to be strong.  What I felt I missed out on as a child.  

My mother was emotionally unpredictable.  I remember running to my room hearing her breaking glasses.  (she was never abusive physically, but I felt I could never find favor in her eyes)  I was scared of that unpredictability and I tried not to bring the monster out. Ok, I pushed the monsters buttons a couple of times.    My dad would cover for her by telling me.  "Its ok, you know your mom is crazy"

When I tried to tell my ex he would always tell me that he had it worse. He did, much worse.

I have had enough pushing people away because im imperfect.  I have had enough letting others in who lie and tease that little girl in pain.

I am 42 years old, I am young at heart, I am kind, generous and loving.  I like video games, computers,cooking, metaphysics, my children, writing, taking the train, bacon and tomato sandwiches and coffee    I am still exploring other things I like.

I am learning french to become an English teach in France, and I work part time helping a stock broker.

If you dont like me tough.  Your flawed and imperfect too.  I like me... .   no I love me and I wont change for anyone.  Im flawed and im damaged, but im a whole person who can think and feel and love.  

Ah ok, so I grew up not having my emotional needs met.  No wonder the relationship with my ex felt so normal.  Once he got up in my face and screamed at me and I kinda liked it.  I felt alive.

Personal Inventory  :)

Laelle, That was beautifully put.  You go, girl!  |iiii



I understand these feelings.  I still have a difficult time getting close to people.  A positive though is that this can be good if it's not overdone.  In other words, it's ok to take my time getting to know someone.  There's no need to throw all my cards on the table at once.  It's good to lay down one card at a time.

But for me, it's important to work on that trust and be willing to let others know who I really am.  I've learned over the years to put on a pretty damn good front at times.  I was taught to look good while you're falling apart inside.  Looks were more important than feelings. 

There are people we can trust who will let us be who we are and love us for that.  Maybe those people are in the minority, I don't know, but I know they are out there.  Just keep going. 

We are more than ok just the way we are.

Thanks Phoenix

I went on a bit of a rant there and came back later and... . well there is no embarrassment emoticon, but I would have put one here.  lol

Sometimes I seem a bit forward with my cards, I guess im trying to say... .   hey, im harmless.  :)  Not many people get to see the part that hurts, so I can understand what you mean by look good while your falling apart inside.  My psych asked me what I hoped to gain and i told her that I wanted to feel good in my own skin.

For me it was the same.  My mom seemed to only be proud of me when there were people around that would expect that of her.  Who isnt proud of their child after all?

How are you doing today?

No need to be embarrassed at all!  I thought your share was great, and this forum, I believe, is a safe place to do just that, in most instances.

I'm doing pretty well.  Glad it is Friday.  I see a new therapist for the first time today.  I'll have to set her straight!   :)

 Phoenix -Nice!  Good luck with your new T.  I know its difficult having to put the skeletons in our closets under the microscope.  I really hope that she can help you find peace of mind.  I'm sure you will talk her ear off.  :)  Thanks for listening to me babble so often.

Surnia- Its really nice when something that I say hits home and helps someone else.  I have a list too, but I have them all on post it notes.  I can hardly see my monitor.  Its why im buying a bigger one in 3D HD  :)

I was just sitting here thinking.  I am sure it has been thought before, but the reason his rage hurt so bad is because its

Character Assassination.  Everything good about me is turned bad.  Everything right about me is wrong.  Everything wrong about me is twisted until I am made

out to be blood sucking vampire.  He wanted to destroy the light in me.

Wow, light went on... .   people cant really love you and do that, right?

laelle, soo much of this resonated with me.  I bolded the stuff I could have written.

The stuff I left - it's how I used to be... .   strangely when BPD was still in my life, even around the perimeter.  Now that he's not, ,that toxic shame has come on full force and I just want to be me again.

Nothing to be embarrassed about here.  I have a similar post from many months ago.

I also thought your share was great.

Be yourself then Sheep.  You sure seem like a great person to me.  We were vulnerable, we made a mistake. We live and we learn.

You have your husband who loves you very much. Dont waste that precious time you could be having with him on some jerk who is gone.  Forgive yourself.

Plan a trip with you and your Mr.  Renew your vows, do something to re engage your commitment to the marriage.  The guilt will eat you alive if you let it.

Dont you think we have suffered enough?  Its time to live! 

May I ask you a personal question.  Please, if it is too personal, don't answer.

Did you tell your husband WHY you were divorcing him?  Did you tell him what happened?

Oooh, thats complicated to explain.

I divorced my ex husband because of things in our marriage that came along waay before my exBPD and were unavoidable.  My ex husband had some issues that would make it impossible to continue the marriage.    The only part my exBPD played was to expedite the divorce.  Yes, they knew about each other.  

The past two years have been sheer madness for me.  My ex husband's issues, having a BPD boyfriend, and im certainly not without issues.

Getting out today going to the Carnival  :)  just for the kids of course.  :)

I started not to go and then I decided why wait to give myself a little happiness.

You know Laelle I am so glad you are out and you are doing this stuff for you. I think you are great! No validation; I just like your cyber you- I like the way you manage to laugh at the darkest sides of your pain and I really respect your bravery and honesty.

You so deserve a rewarding relationship.

Hope you have some fun today. I put my exBPDs needs above those of my kids and every day I have them now I'm thankful I learned the lesson of enjoying them and being present for them. It's not easy but all we can do is try.

Aww, Maria, that has to be one of the kindest and most generous complements I have ever received.  Sorry, had a few glasses of wine and feeling sentimental.  :)

I am just me, but thank you. I really like you too.  Your fight has always been an inspiration to me.  Its proof for me that life can get beyond the hurt. I would like some day to have your confidence and conviction.  I had so much fun today.  I hope there are more times like that coming.

There were some very rewarding things in my relationship, but when push came to shove I always found myself alone.  I would like like one day to have someone who will actually stand beside me.  Not just in theory.  :)  I really hope that he gets the help he needs, because although it will hurt like hell, I hope to see one day that he is happy and laughing. Please keep in mind that I may change my mind about this opinion tomorrow.  :)

I did the exact same thing as you Maria.  I was in the same situation where my ex required alot of attention, but I already was a mother and my kids weren't appreciated enough for their many beautiful qualities. When push comes to shove, my kids are here for me... .   Uh, cause they are too young to run away yet.  :)

No worries Maria, we live and we learn.  It was a rude wake up call, but we woke up none the less.

I wish you the happiest of happy days today and every other day.  :)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=dx7sLNyIeQk

I'm so glad you had a good, fun day, laelle!

Thanks for posting that video.  It's perfect.

Thank you NonGF,  I did have a good day.  Yw for the video.  Someone else here on the board linked it in another thread.  I have listened to it so many times, I sing it in my sleep.  :)

  Have a great Sunday.

I just noticed that it has been 2 years since I registered here. 

Cant blame a girl for trying.

I can't imagine leaving this place for long any more- lots of growing and sharing to do! That Adele song- me and my kids sing along to the whole album. My daughter (nearly 11) said after she listened to that song for the zillionth time one day- I think she had a relationship with someone with borderline personality disorder.

(Nb. My daughter questioned and questioned and questioned and in the end I told her why i didn't think he could be in our lives any more and talked about the illness with both of them. Both my kids kept saying they thought he was ill at the end- SO hard)

Glad you're here Laelle 

I noticed the other day it had been exactly a year since I registered here.  I prefer, "Can't blame a girl for trying," over what I've been saying to myself. 

LOL, dont beat yourself up about it.  It shows your a loving caring person.  There are much worse things you could be.  :)

Huge breakthrough for me today. I dont need him.

I miss his company, but everything else he brought to the table ended up somehow costing me something.

I went to french class today and met a few people who spoke english and I had such a great time socializing.  I havent done that in a long time.

I didnt think about him at all.  I had lunch with my ex husband and I didnt even ramble on about my ex boyfriend to him.  Normally he listens and then does a 

I had a bad nite last nite where I missed him and had bargaining ideas which I would never act upon but they were still there.

I woke up this morning feeling like another piece of me had come back to me.

I hope everyone is having a good day too.

So pleased to read this. You don't need him. You need him gone. You need to find you because you are so much more than you even know!

Hi Laelle,  I don't need her, either.  I had a struggle myself yesterday.  Overall, I think I've been doing fairly well, but I hit a low spot emotionally.  I felt very alone, and I wondered about her being with someone else.  But if she is, it's probably true that she is acting out in the same way.  I was losing myself in that relationship.  The truth is I am much more at peace overall now.  The truth is she was horribly mean and cold to me at times.  The truth is that she was not good for me when I look at the big picture.  The universe has something better for us, Laelle.  We just have to believe it and act as if.  Keep putting you first.  Have a good day.   

Hi, laelle and PR.  I'm glad you are both progressing in your healing.   |iiii  

Laelle, I'm glad you're enjoying your new class and that you've been able to enjoy some time NOT thinking about your ex.  That sounds like it will be a very healing experience for you.

These pwBPD do NOT hold the keys to our happiness.  I, too, have finally, truly realized that I deserve so much more than the constant devaluing, broken agreements, cold-silent treatments, and disrespect.  I am joining you on the "Leaving" bench.

For you, in case it helps... .

I sang this over and over and over when I was at a similar stage. It pushed me forward. Desperately. Healing. Smiling and crying, over and over and over.

www.youtu.be/zNURXMzgOuw

 Thank you Maria -  I love him, but he does not love me.  He may have felt things for me, but love is more than words.  His actions tell me more that he was

using me to fill his needs, and my needs werent of much concern to him.  He may have felt differently about what his actions meant, but it doesnt matter because I have to live with my truth not his. It was also nice today because I had a guy looking and smiling at me at lunch today.  Maybe I had something on my face, but ill just pretend he was looking at me.  :)

Phoenix - Im glad to hear you are feeling better as well.  I worry that mine is with someone else too, but I know this will be the natural course for all of us at one moment or another, just maybe sooner than later for him.  I wish him well.  It bothers me, but I have to let it go.  If I want to get past this, I have to.

I have low spots too.  Its amazing how one moment we can be so strong, and the next like a wet, mushy piece of silly putty.  I am needing less Xanax to get through my day tho, and I have learned that I love Black Forest Cake and I want a man who wants me as his girlfriend on Facebook.  :)  I think of the mean and coldness more of an OCD.  I watched my bf struggle to say things non aggressively or meanly. It was like he couldnt help himself.  He use to tell me that I needed to learn to walk faster.  Everything in me that was not as a perfect girlfriend in his eyes should be seemed to be painful for him to deal with.

He can get over it  :)  but that knowledge has helped to release the pain of the mean things he said.  

NonGf - I would like to say hurray! but im so sorry that your relationship has ended.  I can say the pain SUCKS, but its better to suffer now and be done with it than to suffer for the rest of your life.   I love my ex, but he will never be what I need, as hard as that is to swallow... . its true. You are worth more than the crumbs you receive.  I bet he wouldnt like it if you offered the same amount of crumbs to him that he gives to you.   If you need me, im here. PM me and I will give you my email and you can reach me most anytime.  

Listening to it now Maria, thanks  :)

laelle - I just wanted to pop onto your thread to say hello and do a little dance for you and all your accomplishments! I'm so happy to hear you sound so positive and healthy! You deserve this and I know you're going to find more and more joy as the days go by because you're spreading it!

Hello Arabella, its good to see you.  :)  Thanks for the dance... .   I will put the dance emoticon on my list to bug one of the Advisors about because we need one.

I have good moments and bad ones, but the good ones are starting to outweigh the bad.  I've known I needed to let go of this relationship not just because of the illness, but because of alot of other factors that unless perfectly executed would just not work.  The illness makes perfect execution impossible.  Im not dreaming anymore about it.

How are you today?

|iiii

Today is going okay... .   so far! lol I've been focusing on short-term thinking instead of getting too far ahead. If I think too far into the future I get overwhelmed and panic.  I have a mid-range plan in case everything goes bottoms-up and for now I'm trying to focus on getting through individual days. I'm hesitant to say anything, for fear of jinxing myself, but I think maybe things are getting a little tiny bit better? Here's hoping! (We may also need a good luck or crossed-fingers emoticon, yes?) :)

If I think too far into the future I get overwhelmed and panic.

I do this too.  Its what my xanax is for.  I work myself up into a nervous frenzy.  I think its very wise taking small steps into the future with a plan of where you would like to go but are flexible about it.  I think its kinda nice not to have to know all the answers, dont you?  :)

Lets be hopefully optimistic together, and on the bad days we can put lots of dollars in the cursing jar.  :)

I shout 'f*** off' very loudly now and again. It's amazingly therapeutic

LOL  |iiii

Indeed!  Also, Maria, thanks for the beautiful song.

Laelle,  When I said my ex was cold and mean, it came across in her silent treatments and when she would break up with me abruptly with little to no discussion.  She was not verbally abusive in the classic sense.  I suppose she was abusive in the BPD sense!  lol

I don't think she felt capable of discussing matters on a deeper emotional level.  She seemed to operate very much by initial reaction or strictly on a feelings level.  But she would very rarely discuss her feelings.  She just reacted.  I did love her, and I think she love me as much as she was capable.  Yes, I am still grieving.

You know Phoenix, I could have handled the emails where he totally assassinated my character because I know the things he says are only half truths, and I stopped reading them, what really got to me was the silent treatment and the way he punished me with them when I did not behave as he saw appropriate.  I'm tired of being punished.  I dont deserve it.

Here I am thinking everything is fine and I make one wrong move and I get an ear full of how unhappy he is and how im making his life miserable.  I am to blame for all his problems.  Then I get ignored if I dont answer him correctly... .    Ignored if I stand up for myself... .    Ignored if I express my wants or needs... .   He ends or threatens to end the relationship as a punishment... .   Its just all rubbish and im done with it. F*** him.  I'm better off alone.  If he cant be bothered to deal with me, then I cant be bothered to deal with him.  Let him taste my crumbs for once.

I understand your grieving Phoenix, and I promise you... .   Things will get better.  

Yeah, she can go jump in a lake!  :)  lol

LOL, yeah I'm sorry my empathy wasnt too convincing after I just told my ex in a post to f*** off.

I do know how you feel.  I've been there.  I love my ex just as you do yours and I understand how they probably did the best they knew how.

I refuse to be called a child while im being given the silent treatment and bullied around.  I wont be punished anymore for not being what someone else wants me to be.

I am fine as I am and you are fine as you are... .   unless your crazy, then your not.  :) lol

I'm going to bed, I want this day to end.  Have a good nite all.

Something I have to think about.

Met with my psychologist today and left really feeling defensive.

We talked about my past relationships before my ex.  Yeah, i did know that I had a pattern of walking into one relationship before another was resolved, and we discussed why.  It wasnt a case of devaluing or cheating, it was that I had such low self esteem that I entered into the relationships for the wrong reasons and then stayed in them instead of ending them when I saw my needs werent going to be met in it.  I didnt think very much of my own emotional needs back then.  I paired up with men who were emotionally unavailable but were generous.  It fit because my mom was always giving me things, but I dont really think I was ever hugged.  It was a comfortable set up for me... .   until I needed more and it wasnt there.

I asked her afterwards if she was sure it wasnt me who was BPD.  She said she was positive, but it frightened me none the less.  This is what left me defensive.

One strange thing to mention.  I never did that to him.  When he came along I changed, or maybe he came along at a moment when I was changing how I saw my relationships.  I was no longer overweight, and I felt beautiful for the first time in my life.  I wasnt desperate to find someone who would love me.

Now that he is gone, I have no want to move into another relationship.  I dont need or want anyone else.  I dont feel that frantic need to find whats missing.

Im all here, nothing is missing.  I changed, I just dont know what it is.

Any thoughts?

It makes sense. Why do you feel defensive?

You have grown and you are now somewhere where you can make it alone without a relationship to bolster your self esteem.

Its very straight forward and great that you got out of BPD relationship?

What is it you are wondering about?

Because with the other relationships, I would trade the old guy for a new one because I didnt want to be alone.  In this relationship I only wanted him, never wanted anyone else.  Even when I saw the relationship falling apart, I still loved him and wanted to make it work and was willing to stick with it.  I never lost interest.  Why was I so willing to go so far in this relationship as compared to the others?  I dont want anyone else, and would rather be alone right now.

I was defensive because I know BPD's move from one person from another, and I remember that fear of needing other people to boost my self esteem before meeting my ex.

I think i get you.

Isn't it more that this relationship grew more codependent than the others? It's sort of a different issue. You needed the other relationships because of your low self esteem, not BPD. You may have inherent CD traits too all wrapped up in self esteem.

I think BPD r/s become more and more CD than others because of the push/ pull craziness, they feed any CD traits in us because we have that core wound from childhood. It's that lonely child/ abandoned child stuff that 2010 talks about?

I remember clearly thinking I was stuck at my exBPD's one night after he was horrible to me. Every time before that I had left but this time felt different. I desperately wanted to be at home in my bed but felt unable to leave.

I worry at times about being BPD but I'm not. You're not Laelle. You wouldn't be on here doing the work if you were. You wouldn't have employed all the staying tools, not only employed them but practically earned a masters in them.

Needing to be in a relationship doesn't make you BPD at all.

Thank you Maria, I really needed to hear that.  I was so strong this morning after I woke up, and then after the psych I felt rotten.  I guess learning about yourself hurts a bit, but better to hurt and stop than to spend your whole life like that.

I had some serious CD issues when I met him, so at least I have him to thank for calling attention to them with his "special" touch.  Now I have worked it out where I can make it on my own.  I have a little help from my ex, but most of the power of me, stays with me.  Its the first time I have ever had that and its exciting.

I learned today that I repeated a cycle of relationships.  As you know my mom spoiled me with things, but showed little love.  My dad had a nervous breakdown when I was 10 and all the attention went to him and his passing out and stuff.

The two main, long lasting relationships in my life were with people who spoiled me with things, but were not available emotionally.  I had one relationship where the guy was available but too available and scared the crap out of me.  The men I really feel connected with, ~ on me. 

My ex seemed emotionally available, and was getting out of a relationship where she abused him.  I was over the moon, and really willing to give it my all.  Just picked the wrong guy I guess.  I will do better when im ready next time.

Exactly my history with BPDex too.

I'm so pleased about where you are arriving. Do you think you can keep yourself single awhile so that you can give yourself time to really find out who you are?

This is the first time that I dont need a man to complete some need.  When im ready, I would like to meet someone who is available and just for me.  One who thinks im funny and doesnt find flaw in most everything I do.  I wont say I wont have a cup of coffee with someone (not now but in the future), but I dont want a relationship. Im not right in the head yet, and dont want to waste my time or heart strings.

Sounds good- all sounds good to me |iiii

Laelle, I relate to what you said about your mom giving you things materially, but not emotionally.  My mom's family owned a successful business, so they were not lacking in the material sense.  They were not rich, but rather well-to-do, I guess you could say.  A lot of the way she showed me she cared was by giving me things.  But, like you, hugs or any type of touch was very rare from her.  She was distant in that sense. 

It's interesting now that physical touch scores high on my 'love languages'.  I took a test over the 5 love languages.  My mom was also unavailable emotionally.  She still is for the most part.  I've been drawn towards emotionally unavailable women.  I've been thinking about the emotional availability I receive from women on this site, and how nice that is.  I hope I can transfer that into a real relationship. 

I wanted to save my mom from her pain after my dad left.  I thought she was going crazy at times, and maybe she was.  I always felt I had to be the strong one emotionally for her.  I still feel that way.  The roles reversed early on.  So my emotional needs have always taken a back seat with her, and other family members as well.  I'm learning to state my needs, though.  I think you are, too.   :)

I love how we all take care of each other.  I am anxious to check the website in the morning to see what really cool stuff is waiting to be taken in and digested with my coffee.   

Yay!  Its now official.  I am going to get to go home next month for 3 weeks.  Just got my passport back in the mail.  I am soo excited.  :)

I want to get the flags out but they are all red and that's no good!  :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) *) *) *) *) *) *)

  |iiii  :) :) :) *) lol    

Thanks guys.  I love Europe but I miss my home.

I dont miss being told I cant have coffee or tea because its too late.  I think I will have a cup of coffee.

Go for it- enjoy  |iiii

absolutely 

laelle, you are sounding fantastic today.  |iiii  Dunno what will come and go next, but enjoy it while you've got it!


I think somebody already said it... .   but let me be clear: There are lots of ways a person can be a little messed up or a lot messed up, and BPD is just one! Your former need to be in a r/s to feel complete probably wasn't very healthy. So the fact that you are over it is wonderful news! But it doesn't hint that you had BPD!

Thank you Grey Kitty.

I know I had a part to play in this and that basically he played the role I needed him to play so that I would play the role for him that he needed me to play.  When I stopped playing my part he stopped playing his.   ehhh /shrugs

I still have that fear that as he told me "I will look back months from now and see that it was all my fault."  That I am the one who is sick.

I am feeling good, thank you  The pain in my heart has loosened up some and im planning my trip to the USA at the beginning of May.  I'm trying not to look back because while I do miss him, and sometimes I cry about it, if he came back tomorrow and promised me the moon, I couldnt say yes because I know I cant live like that.

Kinda sad and kinda glad at the same time.

thanks for checking up on me.  Have a good nite.

That is true growth, Laelle.  I'm happy for you.  I'm also glad for you about your trip to the USA.

Thank you Phoenix, psychiatrist visit this morning and he said I sounded so much better.  I feel good today.

I didnt sleep tho... .   drank too much coffee at midnite. 

Hate to say it Laelle but sometimes those BPD people get it right! Mine did, the b******!

Doesn't mean we have to listen to them though- we just need to get some decaff in and shout obscenities at their ghost while we are drinking it. Works for me.

Glad you are doing better.

we just need to get some decaff in and shout obscenities at their ghost while we are drinking it. Works for me.


Sounds like a plan to me.  |iiii

Yeah, he was often right in a rude kinda passive agressive way. 

I didnt care, was nice to be able to do it without getting crap for it.

 

I didnt care, was nice to be able to do it without getting crap for it.


Absolutely. That's the bit that really counts. I'd forgotten how annoying it is to be tutted at and judged. So great to be free of that. Have a good day Laelle

Yep, I am free too  :)

You have a fantastic day yourself Maria.  

Thanks for being here for me.  You guys have really helped me heal alot.

Probably saved me years of therapy 

The feeling is mutual- this place is amazing! X

Glad you're drinking coffee whenever you feel like it, laelle!  I'm glad to hear you're doing well and have a vacation planned for yourself... .   another positive step. :)

Thank you for sharing about your process.  I'll write soon!

Hey NonGf, how are things going with you? 

Ticket Booked.  Going home to Tennessee May 6th-28

That's GREAT, laelle!  |iiii  I'm so happy for you! 

I think a vacation is in order here, too.  I am feeling so done with BPD... .   feeling very clear that his choice to break up the first time was indeed "the most loving thing to do," as he said then.  I'm doing okay.  It's time to take the focus off of him and put it back on myself.

Yeah, you know NonGF, they hurt too.  We become a huge painful trigger for them, and being released from that pain im sure will help him to feel better.  At least temporarily.  I think mine did the most loving thing he could do in ending it.  We were both hurting.

I know what you mean about being done with BPD. Therapy is actually nice because I get to focus on me, and BPD is only mentioned in regard to how I see things because of the influence. All that goes away a little more every day.

If you could go anywhere, where would you go?  I am really amazed with how strong you are and how well you are able to see that the end results will always be less than your willing to accept.  Its good to think well of yourself like that.  We are all here for you.

Found 10 euros on the sidewalk.  Things are looking up for me.  :)

Don't spend it all at once!

YAY!  You can use that on your vacation.

As far as where I'd like to go, I really need some beach time.  *)  Fiji, perhaps.

You can buy me a cookie!   

NonGF, im going to Pensacola for a week when I get there, you can come with me.

Phoenix - I can buy you 2 cookies, the euro has a better exchange rate than the dollar :)

Maria -  lots and lots of    and in honor of Phoenix, rainbows, kittens, and crocodiles.

Thanks Laelle, not sure I'm wanting crocodiles thanks all the same! - I'm just about to watch the Matrix for the first time ever. I love the 'red pill' idea. Hope I'm not disappointed. I think I may like my version of the idea of the red pill more than the film but I don't care. Hope you all have a great evening x

I think the first one is the best one.  I am sure you will enjoy it!  :)

Have a great evening.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10151587998594124&set=a.307168129123.149289.305038574123&type=1&theater


so so so true

That is true, Laelle.

And now for a cute crocodile: www.flickr.com/photos/32391933@N08/3092749981/in/photostream/lightbox/

I know this has nothing to do with personal inventory, but what the heck.   :)

Well, you can store personal inventory in it if its a handbag 

He'd make a nice pair of boots.

Cant store personal inventory in that, only stinky feet. 

To keep the theme of "personal inventory" on subject.  I would one day like to bounce a penny off the head of

a crocodile.  I dunno why, I just always have wanted to.  I like Crocodiles, Chocolate Eclairs, and Superman. 

  :) lol

To keep the theme of "personal inventory" on subject.  I would one day like to bounce a penny off the head of

a crocodile.  


So important to have goals in life! You guys make me laugh out loud and that is such a good thing to do! Thank you x

Stinky feet aren't part of someone's 'personal inventory'?   

My feet smell like fresh roses, of course.   :)

Maria - get this, people say my goals are unrealistic.  I have a penny already.  Im half way home. 

Phoenix - Some people live in denial because they cant begin to see the bad things in themselves.  If you would like to see your stinky feet through rose colored glasses,

Then you really need to take a good, hard look at yourself.  Why deny what you are?  Lots of people have stinky feet.  its ok.  

Have an exciting nite planned.  Jurassic Park 1, pop corn and chocolate milk with the kids.  Its good to be back.

Not a bad day altogether.  Cried a bit this afternoon, but I took a Xanax and a hot bath.  I started to feel better.  Watched a movie with a friend this evening and ate cinnamon toast.  I love cinnamon toast.  Anything Cinnamon really.  Talked to some friends on my facebook about going rollerskating with them when I get to the USA in a few weeks.

I havent done that in years.  I miss rollerskating.  I miss friends.  I cant wait to make an idiot out of myself. 

It's so good to look forward to things! I'm happy for you. Friends are so important and so is being able to make a fool of ourselves!  |iiii

I'm watching a funny rom com called 'the rebound' I never watch romantic comedies but I'm loving this one! About a middle aged woman falling in love with a younger guy after her divorce. Loving it!

Not feeling so good today, I miss him.  Its just a feeling, Its just a feeling, Its just a feeling.  Go take a walk.

Sorry you are feeling bad today. It will pass. I feel better today. You will feel better tomorrow. You will feel better altogether in time. You are a strong, strong fighter Laelle. We are with you. 

Thank you Maria  

When I feel low I think about him writing such horrid things to me while picking up hundreds of euro I had just sent him to pay his rent.

I know that money cant be gauged when it comes to love and commitment, but it sure does show he was being a shallow, selfish, unappreciative jerk.

How is it going with you today?

Sending you lots of love, laelle.  

It's true -- you will feel better.  I was down yesterday but woke up feeling better today -- even went for a run!  I embrace days like these lately.

No feeling is final.

Thank you NonGf    How are things going for you?

Laelle- you are such a caring person   I am much better today thank you. Got my kids back and showed them some parts of the rom com I'd enjoyed last night ( a lot of it was inappropriate but they managed to enjoy the story anyway).

Back in email contact with exBPD but he is who he is and I don't have the same stirred up feelings as I have in the past. Much less anyway. My path hasn't changed, even if I stop and chat with him occasionally.

Thank you for your support. I hope you are feeling better this evening x

Thanks, laelle.  I'm feeling better after going for a run earlier.  It helps to keep moving and to be outdoors.  Hope your day got better.

I know what you mean, Maria, by, "He is who he is."  Good luck there.

As long as "who he is" isnt hurting you.   :)

Will write more later, its too early for me to think.  :)

I'm glad your feeling better.  I know this is rough stuff.  I long for my ex back when I know its not the best thing for me.  Its amazing how our selves can be so much at

odds.  There isnt much from the old relationship that would be even acceptable in any new one with him.  I've become a little depressed as of late.  I had been walking alot, but the last few days the most ive done is walked the dog.  No use beating myself up about it.  I'm not perfect and there is no one else here to tell me im not either.  :)

Keep your head up, your doing this for you.  :)

Laelle- you may need to feel some low stuff to grieve. You may have been holding that back a little. You are a tough cookie. We will all hold your hand however you feel 

I won't let the b****** side of him hurt me. He is a sick puppy but I'm stronger now.

I think I had anger and disbelief in how he treated me at first.  Yeah, I do understand why he acts as he does, but it still hurts.

The anger is starting to die and im alone.  I know its something I have to go through, but its not fun.

I'm not a tough cookies, I feel pretty weak right now.

I wish you luck in your friendship with your ex.  I know you will keep him at arms length and protect yourself.  

It's ok to be weak and its good to let yourself grieve. That's a strength in itself.

Its been a month.  Im tired of being sad.  I feel like I have been sent to my room without dinner for a year.

A month isn't long? How long do you think it will take to grieve?

I know I will grieve a long long time, but I hate it.  How can a relationship where the guy calls you a loser and a vampire hurt so much.  He doesnt deserve my grief.

No he doesn't deserve your grief but you do. And that will be a lot of grief because I'm guessing you are grieving for you and not actually for him. For him partly but more because you couldn't make him into the lovely person he so almost could have been. That really, really hurts. I almost got Mr Absolutely Perfect, trouble is those little imperfections (spitting in people's faces, sleeping with other women)... .  

I just miss him.  I dont miss him for what he could have been.  I liked the person he was minus the running off and ignoring me or raging at me when he didnt want to deal with me.

There is no stability in that.  As far as expecting him to be Mr perfect... .   not a chance.

It's ok to miss him. Funny thing though. I don't miss mine now. He doesn't seem to be who I thought he was. Maybe I've just got over him. Like any break up we get there in the end.

You will. It just takes time. X

  Laelle,  It's ok to feel weak and sad.  I feel some of that today.  But I do not want her back right now.  There are many aspects of the relationship that I miss, but she was too inconsistent in her feelings about us.  One day is was love, the next it was push away.  It got to where I was in a constant state of anxiety wondering if she was going to break it off again.  That's no way to be involved with someone you love.  I know she was sick, but it's important for me to know I can depend on consistency.  How can I be consistent in giving myself the love today that I wanted to give her?  How can I treat myself with respect?  Hang in there, Laelle.   

Hey Phoenix, sorry to hear your day wasnt so great either.  I hope tomorrow is better for both of us.  My poor French teacher got the bulk of my frustration today.

I know I was scammed.  I just cant grieve him anymore.  Its like grieving for the burglar who came in an took everything you have and then fled the scene.  You wouldnt

Going to take a weekend trip somewhere this weekend.  Dont know where yet, maybe Evian les bains.

Thanks, I'm ok, just feel blah and insecure today.  I don't feel confident.  It will come back, though.  I was considering a weekend trip myself.  I have some friends who are going camping.  I might take my motorcycle out there to the lake.

On a lighter note, do you know what the termite had for breakfast?

Oak-meal   :)

 lol :)  Thanks for the joke, I really needed that.  :)ont have my sense of humor hat on today, but I will make it up to you.

Blah and Insecure!  Exactly how I feel.  Camping sounds like a great idea.  I use to camp the entire summer when I was younger.  :)  Watch out for the snakes.  Two things I dont like about camping.

Public outhouses and snakes.     Amazing how many wonderful memories I have of pork n beans and trying to find the toilets in the dark.    I hope you decide to go and have a fantastic time.

You cant really camp here.  The gypsies take all camping spaces to live in.

I'm much better today.  I dont want him even near me.  Doing personal inventory more than once is helpful.  I have so much to gain from keeping him out of my life, and so little for him in it.

I'm just bored, lonely and need attention... .   Its just my codependency talking and I will get over it.

thank you guys for all your help yesterday, it was a bad day.

Just got back from the vet.  My dog was showing aggressive behavior, howling while Im gone, barking and hyperactive.

The vet says he was taken from his mommy too early and was not taught coping skills that he needed to know.  So he gets angry and barks, howls for him mommy, and lives in the moment because he is hyperactive and does not have the ability to remember one second from the next.

Oh fantastic.

Oh laelle- this made me smile. At least you can retrain a dog with dog treats. I just typed fog treats by mistake!

Just don't look in his eyes and keep him well walked. And give him a good pat every now and again. And thank your lucky stars he is just a dog!  :)

:)  It rang a bit true for me, but you know it helped me see things better if you can believe that.  I love my dog and he truly cant help that he didnt get what he needed and behaves as he does.  He's not holding out on me, he doesnt have the ability to.

I am going to get him the help he needs as he cant get it for himself.

He has a collar and a plug in incense that smells like his mommy, he has doggy xanax and a collar that shoots him in the face with citronella when he barks.  While he is sleepy from the xanax I have to make changes like feeding him twice a day for only 10 minutes at a time.  Cant sleep on the beds and ignore his bad behavior.  After a time with a Xanax he is going to go on a drug that will help him to learn better.

I may not be his mommy, but I will have to do.  :)

It was kinda funny and sad at the same time.  He would smell the vet, go to the other end of the room, turn around and come smell the vet again and again.  Vet says he doesnt remember that he had already smelled him and just keeps repeating.

lol house smells like citronella now.  Dumb dog.

I'm sorry, didn't mean to make light of it. You can definitely change the dog through behavioural stuff and that is good

LOL, what are you sorry for?  I didnt find your post offensive in the slightest.  I was only thinking about how sometimes people /animals missed out on some stuff from when they were little and it effects their relationship with the world.

My dog will be fine.  He has stopped barking already.  lol

 I would never be upset with you.

Just thinking about my dog- I loved him! He had this way of looking at me. Maybe I'm really looking for a man who can live me like my dog did! 

Actually maybe I just need a dog!  :)

Just left my therapist. She thinks I am insightful and making remarkable progress.  I have my exbf to thank for that.

No, I did not send this.   :)  Its for me.

Thank you my dear ex.  I am very sorry that you are ill, and that you were unloved.  You should have been.  You didnt deserve what was done to you.  You deserved love.  You were a kind and loving child and through no fault of your own now have problems relating to the world.  If I could have had any wish answered, I would have loved for it to have been used to make you well.  However, I am not being offered any free wishes, and you have already used the three I gave to you.  You are on your own now.  How you choose to see and live your life are your choices.  I am not responsible for them.

I have told you how I wished it could be, but it is not, and I am worth more than how it is.  I have repeated my past relationship with my mom through us.  It would never have ended.  I could never have pleased either of you.  I will just have to be content with living my own happy life without either of your approval.

I hope the love and care that I have had for you will stay with you somehow, and will help you to feel worthy of yourself and to allow yourself a happy tomorrow.

I am done fighting to keep a fantasy, Its time to live my life, and it deserves to be a happy one.  Indian Food and all.   :)

That's beautiful, Laelle.  You are taking the high road.  It is painful, but the most rewarding, I believe.  Let go with love.  Take care of yourself.

On a side note, we can sure learn a lot from animals.  If people treated each other with the love our animals show us, the world would be a better place.   :)

That's beautifully expressed, laelle.  I could say the same things.  I'm soo happy to hear that your healing is progressing. 

Thanks Stinky Feet  :)

I wouldnt say I am taking the high road, but being mean and ugly to him only reinforces how he feels about himself and the world around him.  It hurts him, I dont want him to hurt.

How do you hate someone who is wounded?  I have done some things that I am not proud of in my life influenced by my FOO.  I cant really fault him for me letting him walk over me.

I have to take the blame where it is due, so I can remove the blame from where it is not.

I let him and in some sick way I liked it until I didnt.  I failed the trauma contract.  Thank Goodness.

Thank you NonGF, you are not stinky feet, btw.  Im sure your feet smell awesome.  I am healing.  I gain two steps, lose one and then gain two steps more.  Im a work in progress.

I notice that as each time frame passes, I change how I see things.  I gain clarity, insight and hopefully soon, real peace.

LOL, Maria... .   you dont want a man as a lap dog.     But, I know what your saying.  Dogs know instinctively that your hurting and offer love and empathy.

Except my dog.  LOL, he cant remember a few minutes ago.  He is also a work in progress.  :)

To me, this is taking the high road.  You are not lashing out in your pain and you are showing him respect and expressing empathy.


Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat!  Where's that cookie?  :)

I ate it, sorry.  I made peach cobbler today, you can have some of it.  Was nice, it reminded me of home.

Taking the high road is also writing it for yourself as you need to say it... .   and then not sending it because it will just cause hurt and/or dysregulation if he receives it.

|iiii 

I really like that note that you didn't send. It really shows how much you've processed and how far you've come in healing yourself. Inspiring!

My feet have started to smell significantly better since I converted to merino wool socks (light ones, not those hot thick ones of the past)!

I now have a HUGE craving for peach cobbler. I  peach cobbler. And pie. Also, it doesn't necessarily have to be peach, but peach is a favourite. The more I think about this the hungrier I get. I may actually have to bake (and eat the entire thing myself *oink*)!


Phoenix.Rising, you have clearly never met my cat. She really only sees me as a kibble dispenser. Good thing she's cute! lol

Haha! 

I'm sure she feels the love for you.   :)

Grey Kitty, I could not say I ever loved him if I turn around and try to hurt him.  It gives him more reason to mistrust relationships.  I wont be one of those people that leaves with anger and venom.  Im not mad, just disappointed and hurt.

Arabella, LOL, you gave me a good laugh there.  If you could tell Phoenix where you got those wool socks, it would help him out.  Dont tell him that I said so tho.

I really enjoyed that cobbler.  Added vanilla bean ice cream to it.  I cant eat much sugar because I release too much insulin when I do, so I end up falling asleep.  I was sleeping like a baby.  :)

Phoenix, Arabella says you have stinky feet and she has some socks you might want to try. 

Soaking feet in Jell-O?  Um, ok.

www.voices.yahoo.com/10-ways-cure-stinky-rotten-smelly-feet-592500.html?cat=70

Maybe one should just drink the vodka.  That might 'cure' it as well.

Laelle, your take-home message from your r/s is so positive - I love it! I think you're heading into a really healthy and comfortable place. Good for you!

Obviously you added vanilla ice cream - that's how it's done! :) I only wish sugar put me to sleep, usually I end up wired for sound if I eat a lot of sugar late at night. Such are the trials of life. *sigh* lol

What a waste of Jello and vodka! Also, I can't help but think that I might end up with stained feet? Sticking with the fancy socks (covered in cat fur - maybe it's the cat fur that's helping and I'm not giving kitty enough credit here?) hehe!

"What would you like to drink Madame?"  "Um, give me one of those Vodka and Jello foot shooter's please."

Arabella - I bounce back and forth.  The mind can only call them like they see them.  Your feelings dont care about the facts.  They just "feel"  Thats their job.  Its ok that I hurt tho. 

Its quiet, I'm enjoying my kids and my french classes.  I got to go look at some apartments this afternoon.  Its still about 6 months off, but I have worked really hard these past

few months trying to get every thing set up to be able to have the resources to get my own place.  I was hoping that he was going to maybe share it with me, but his loss.

Looking at that emotionally available article this morning, I dont think i'd be much good for anyone.  I'm jealous and insecure.  When I meet a guy I really like, I get weird.

One month today since we broke up.  I have heard no word from him.

I feel good today.  I am starting to remember certain things that happened and say to myself "something wasnt right about that"  i am more secure in myself and that what I

saw was the truth vs his distorted reality.

I went to join a gym today.  Got all the info, and will join when I get back from the states.

You are doing absolutely brilliantly Laelle. I bet you love the gym  |iiii

LOL, not alot, no.

No- me neither  :) love the idea of it though!

Yeah, I have thought about just getting a stationary bike too.   

I cant believe I denied myself so much trying to give my ex the things he needed and wanted.  All that to just get deserted.

Its quite a bitter pill to take.

It's a very hard pill to swallow. I think that's why it's so lovely when they come back again. The reality of the situation is very painful to get your head around.

Time for you now though. Your time is coming. I try and think of my ex as the start. The actual relationship was good for me, not just the end of it. You are properly discovering you now?

I spent most of my time trying to figure out how to make things better for him.  It left me feeling bitter that everything always had to be about him and his needs and wants.

I wasnt allowed any, or they werent taken seriously, or I was told that everything was not about me of all things.

Without him to worry about, I am extremely bored, but less depressed.  I am not eating as much sweets.  My nerves are alot better.  I feel more self control.

Doesnt mean I dont miss him tho.  Miss who I thought he was anyway.

Just had to make my 1000th post. 

Can you explore new things for you? Is the gym a way of doing that? I always wonder with me and my women friends whether eating is the only way we get our needs met. We hide ourselves away in relationships and in our weight. I have anyway. Learning how to sit and be still with myself is hard.

I used to have this exact thing with my friends. It was like eating was our only social activity (I think it's a cultural thing too). I met new friends at the gym, and through work, who like to get together for walks or yoga or fitness classes. It's made a big difference! (Okay, so we sometimes go out for coffee or ice cream afterward - it's still an improvement!) So I'm throwing my hat into the ring to say that joining a gym has additional benefits beyond those provided by a stationary bike. :) Oh, and yoga is teaching me how to meditate and be still. Who knew being calm was so much work? lol

Anybody who thinks being (mentally) still is easy obviously hasn't tried it lol  That sort of yoga and/or meditation practice has always done me a lot of good... .   despite how badly I do it  :)

Wow laelle, 1000 posts! I guess I've still got a long way to go!

The eating I referred to wasn't a social activity- this is stuffing your face eating all alone! Not something we ever do together  :)

That's interesting maria1... .   A lot of my girl friends and I do the social eating (let's do lunch, grab dessert, go for dinner, etc) but it carries over into our daily lives too, I think. I equate eating with being happy and/or social. Food = comfort and contentment. Food is the 'drug' of choice! It's a bit of a cycle. I've been trying really hard in recent years to move toward a new dynamic but it isn't easy. I mean I can't just 'quit' food altogether! And peach cobbler is so nice... .   and I'm so stressed... .   You see where this is going. And now I'm off to a baby shower to eat cake.

I think I made some progress today.  Either that or I should be commited.    I was thinking how much I missed him, and I said to "him" (who was not really there)

I miss you more than anything in the world, but dont you dare ever contact me.  You could bring me nothing but pain.

Its very strange to say you long for someone but want them to stay away at the same time.  (and maybe even talking to him when he isnt there.  )

He cant change, and he cant consider my needs, so unless a miracle happens, any contact he made would just be hurting us both.  Im not much into fantasy and miracles these days.

Just food for thought.

I really wanted to thank this website again.  You know, I didnt even know what a boundary was until I came here. I didnt know I needed any.

I didnt understand why I shouldnt be in a relationship.  I didnt understand why I had relationship troubles.  I now understand why, and that its perfectly ok to go it alone for a while.

A relationship that cant go anywhere is a waste of time and heart.  I can empathize better with others.  There are just so many things that I felt, but couldnt give a name to. Learning to know my own feelings is like walking out of the darkness and into the light.  Validating myself, soothing myself, loving myself, refusing to accept toxic shame, and allowing myself to fulfill my own needs is life changing.  I dont need anybody else.  I want people in my life but not because they fill a need, but because I want and enjoy them there.

Seeing him and how he was, makes me understand myself better.

I believe I am done posting here.  I'm going to be ok. 

You are definitely going to be okay, laelle! Thank you for sharing your journey, it has been so enlightening!


Does this mean you're leaving us?