BPDFamily.com

Initially I tried to break up with my BPD twice. Both times, he called me for hours, threatening suicide, telling me he had 'scary thoughts" in his head, etc.

Then toward the end, he tried breaking up with me, out of nowhere? He just all of a sudden "stopped having feelings" for me one day.

After that, he would call me, show up at my job, saying "he didnt know what he wanted." Then over the last several weeks, he became downright MEAN to the point of being sadistic.

I lost a lot of weight years ago. I have some body issues with loose skin. When we first started dating he told me he didn't just me, that he loved me the way I am. On sunday, he texted, called me, throwing every possible insult my way. He took every fear, every self doubt, every body flaw I have and used them against me. He picked out EVERY SINGLE POSSIBLE thing he could to hurt my feelings. He flung them at me with no remorse. He said he couldn't believe he touched somebody as ugly as me, etc, etc. Then he called saying "i have aids! go get tested! hahah"

He has become what I would call Psychotic. It's a, "im gonna throw everything but the kitchen sink."

anyone else experienced this?

Yes, absolutely. Maybe time to consider NC, as you will not be able to exchange legitimate information with him during communication. He will not understand anything you say.

Suicide threats, yes.  Lots of those once I officially ended things and firmly refused to entertain the thought of getting back together.

The meanness has been present, but not anywhere near what you're going through.  When mine is contacting me she bounces back and forth between telling me I'm the best thing that ever happened to her and she'll never forgive herself for messing up what we had and she'll love me forever, to chewing me out and telling me I was a terrible girlfriend and I did all these things wrong and she never felt loved and really it was my fault she lied all the time because she knew I didn't really love her so she thought she had to lie.

Twice she's broken my stuff, but it was small, inexpensive stuff.  She's never gotten physically violent with me.  Mostly when she rages it's through silence, glaring, and threatening to harm herself.  She twice tried to break up with me out of nowhere, both times via text.  I told her we'd been together way too long for that, and if she wanted to break up she was going to come have a face-to-face conversation with me, and by the time she got here she'd be in tears apologizing and telling me how much she loved me.

Good luck getting through this.  Have you attempted the NC thing yet?

Yes, the "extinction burst".

Towards the end of my marriage, when divorce was decided, it on the surface sounded like it was going to be reasonably amicable, but it was a bit naive of me to think it could actually be that way. However, I was not quite ready for what happened. From suicide threats to destruction of items and the house to completely out of her mind behavior, it was really a frightening time.

I just stuck it out no matter what happened, and I survived! (and so did she)

WG

 

Yes, part of the dynamics of mental illness does involve a degree of psychosis.  My expwBPD also told me he didn't know what he wanted and was confused... .   which only made me try harder.  This is a form of manipulation on their part, whether intentional or not, to keep us on our toes and emotionally invested in them. Towards the end, my ex moved from ambivalence, arrogance, dissociation and rage as he struggled to manage his emotions and his abandonment fears. At some point it became clear that whatever he was experiencing had absolutely nothing to do with me. 

Consider how it must have been for them as a small child, receiving mixed messages from a parent they depended upon to keep them safe, and never really experiencing any sort of emotional stability or consistency from their primary caregiver.  They learned at an early age to regulate their emotions to fit the situation and this emotional irregularity resulted in the development of the mental illness you are seeing now.  Their intense fear of abandonment leads them to exhibit psychotic behaviors as they struggle to deal with the monster inside their head.

tailspin

Yes, we recycled about 7 times  and I would say at least 3-4 of the times she did that stuff... . worse part, I went back for more of the abuse and craziness... . till it finally became clear there wasn't anything good in the r/s, reading about BPD... . I found that the good part was mirroring/acting on her part, the clingy part was irritating and all I could count on was time with the hater... . which when I would choose to leave turned very psycho.

Been watching the Jodi Arias trial... . and it reminds me that as bad as I had it, could be worse... . find someone healthy, that giant attraction electricity thing... .   is really a  red-flag.

Yes, it was truly when I saw how really insane she truly was.  At one point she came out of her house crying to me to tell me she just wanted her best friend back, while she had the guy she was seeing in the house.  At the very end she was actually hallucinating it seemed like, accused me of having a female friend we knew coming over to her house to do something to her-actually told me she was going to call the cops on this person if they came by again.  Also just turned nasty mean, one of the last meetings she slapped letters she had written to me out of my hands, before that she threatened to call the cops on me and said she would make up a story about me hitting her if I didn't stay longer, this is right after we had sex and after I laid with her in the bed for three hours rubbing her back.  Yes at the end I saw the real psycho actually come out, and it wasn't an easy thing to see, I'm a decent sized manly guy and it actually scared me at times.  

My second to last ex pwBPD did. In a big way. Me and her use to smoke marijuana, and I had brought home a strong strain one day. I had got the idea something was a little more off about her than usual before I had brought this home. Basically she then after 2 days with it accused me of lacing the marijuana with meth. I myself am entirely against meth, and have not used any drug stronger than marijuana. I at this point in my life I don't even do that anymore, nor do I drink. She was adamant that I had laced it, even though I reminded her that I was against meth, and why would I smoke the weed too if it was laced? She had no answer for that, but instead tried to convince me that I had symptoms of a meth user. To convince me of this she would do things like turn up the heat (in front of me) and say feeling really hot was a symptom. Then 30 mins later she would turn the AC all the way up and say the shivers were a symptom. She would keep the lights on all night, listen to music, loudly talk to herself, and even poke me as I tried to sleep to show me that meth users stay up all night. After I would not read a passage on the effects and symptoms of meth in one of her college textbooks, she would throw it at my stomach. What's insane about this, and I knew this, is that whenever she was guilty of something, she would rage about it in the opposite way. She was doing meth behind my back and projecting on to me that it was my fault. I even figured out who she was doing it with, confronted/threatened him, and sure enough he disappeared as fast as he could. That last night of insanity was heartbreaking, even though I had wanted her gone for a long time. It was sad to see someone who was so intelligent waste away like that. I nearly had to call the police to get her out that night. Instead I convinced her father to come get her. The first time she came she hod from him like a child. Then tried to lock me out of my own apt. But after realizing I was serious about getting the police involved, she went with her dad. Apparently after that she told them how abusive I was to her, and that I had forced her to take meth with the threat I would beat her if she didn't. I learned this a month after when she called me out of the blue like nothing had happened. I had texted her mom after the call because I was worried she still had my apt. key. Her mom filled me in on all the sordid insanity, lies, and pain she had caused. She had threatened to have her sister (a mom with 4 kids) killed on Facebook. This is the how psychotic some Borderlines can get.

Heres what kills me about the whole thing.

NOBODY BUT HIS MOTHER knows how he truly is. I know he acts crazy. His mother knows he acts crazy. But nobody else believes it! In public he puts on a fine, happy, arrogrant face. He actually told his coworkers at the restaurant he works at that I was "harassing him." I actually got a call from his boss telling me I couldn't eat at this restaurant anymore... . pure madness.

It's really, REALLY hard for me to comprehend how BPDs are not clinically insane. How do you not understand simply communication? How do you not understand simple logic. Is that not the definition of insane?

Rock nut. I'm living it. Almost at a divorce settlement. She is moving out of the house. Going from hey this will be best. Glad to have a new start. To demanding more money and if I don't capitulate getting extremely nasty. Insults. Blame. Threats. Intimidating. Claiming she will derail the proceedings. Complaining about everything I do. Tracking my whereabouts. Griping if I spend any of my money on me while she is not working and I am supporting her. She is dangerous. I am scared to death. Just praying for an end.

my exBPDgf would always rage but would calm down or only go so far. The last one was under the influence of alcohol and it was the worst I had ever saw in two years. She was totaly out of control. Could not make hr understand any logic, she was breaking things that had occurred years ago. Like said Just completely out of controll. but I dont know if alcohol brought it on worse or what. But it was pretty bad.

Pure. I definitely know exactly where you've been unfortunately so! There is a point that all the tools cannot help enough with eposodes of psychosis. It really is a disease you dont see coming and cant get a hold of enough when whatever they are thinking turns into that phone call or worse and you're sitting there going, this is my partner? Saints really are saints because this is dreadful and I love him/her but this is ruining my own sanity.

At least we have things in common here. Some days good somedays bad.

I think you have to define that yourself because its more important than what the dictionary says. Do you feel it is? Do you think it is disconnected from reality? Do you feel they are capable of uderstanding there actions? The effects of there actions? Thats for you to decide and no one else. Feel your feelings, hear your thoughts, then you can decide.

It's kind of funny how we try to analyze a person's reaction to an event such as the ending of a relationship.  Some people freak out, some go on their merry way, some display bizarre behavior that nobody could ever understand.

Don't get me wrong, I know we are talking about personality disorders and disordered people can turn psycho at the end.  So can the average joe.  It's tough to lose a loved one, no matter what the situation is.

As far as their reaction, maybe they are just a downright mean person who has been hurt themselves in the past, and they don't care who they hurt going forward.  Payback perhaps?  Is that a BPD criterion?  Possibly.  I think WE tend to go psycho trying to analyze the ending of these relationships, just as much as they might appear psycho while it is falling apart.

My ex seemed to not even care when she ended it.  The only emotion she showed was anger.  She had absolutely no idea how devastated I really was because I never had a chance to show her or tell her.  When I tried to speak, she shut the door to her house and walked away while I was standing on the doorstep trying to talk to her.  That was it, an engagement over.  Just like that.  They may appear psycho, but we are the ones who become psycho trying to figure out how someone could be so mean, cruel, and disregard any type of emotion from someone they claimed they loved and cared about deeply.

Excellent point. A disregard for all facts and logic.

As far as their reaction, maybe they are just a downright mean person who has been hurt themselves in the past, and they don't care who they hurt going forward.  Payback perhaps?  Is that a BPD criterion?  Possibly.  I think WE tend to go psycho trying to analyze the ending of these relationships, just as much as they might appear psycho while it is falling apart.

My ex seemed to not even care when she ended it.  The only emotion she showed was anger.  She had absolutely no idea how devastated I really was because I never had a chance to show her or tell her.

I can relate to this. It is like my ex took her lifetime of hurt, her brother, her first husband, her second husband, all the things those people did to her, out on me.

I did relatively little wrong, and what I did do wrong I apologized for many times and corrected my behavior. I was the one, probably the only one ever, who understood her.

Yes, they don't listen, or they don't comprehend. I'm not sure which it is, but the end result is the same. It's like talking to a wall.

I found a FB message from the ex a few months ago. I think I found it several months after it was written, since it was not from a contact it did not go to my inbox on FB, but went to the "other" box.

Anyway, she made a fake profile after a misunderstanding we had. She was hurt. But this message was so nasty and vile that it turned my stomach and made me wonder what I was doing with her. It included references to every bit of my sexual history that I had ever shared with her. And if your exes were anything like mine, you know how they shared with you and you felt safe and shared back. No boundaries.

It included threats to tell my family these things, some of which happened 40 years ago when I was a child, and even to tell my brother that I "raped" him. How bizarre!

Other strange things, she went from being very supportive of me not working since I have a good pension and want to do some volunteer work, to degrading me for not working even though she knew I had recently been looking for a job.

One of her last requests was that I "stroke out". How nice.

Extinction burst indeed. It's like they need to paint you black and push you so far away you'll never come back. Then they find some way to tell people you broke their heart and that your behavior was responsible for the break up. Then they move on very, very quickly once they have devalued you.

It's a really serious illness.

Oh, BTW, I was talking to my ex about three months after our break up, and I mentioned this FB message to her. She denied ever having written anything like that and asked to see the message. Her denial was not unusual, since most of her raging was done at night when she was drinking, and this FB message was sent at like 2:30 AM.

So, the next day I copied the message and pasted it in an email. I said "here is what you asked for", and I told her that this might shed some light on why I had not moved to live with her or closer to her sooner.

She denied writing the message, even though the information it, whatever parts were true, are known to no one else. She said I probably wrote the message myself to show to my friends. As if I would want to show anyone a vile, nasty message that is degrading to me and mentions various aspects of my sexual history. The idea that I would make a fake account in June, and send myself a nasty message, in order to show people in December and January after we broke up, is preposterous. Besides which fact, I had no idea we were ever going to break up, it was her choice.

The writing is all her style, especially when she had been drinking-no punctuation, rambling. Yet still, she denied sending it. Finally she said something like "If I did send that... .   blah blah blah". Denial of their misdeeds is such a big part of the illness too.

oh wow Jaird.

You know what I often wondered.

My xBPDbf wrote in his private journal "Rocknut is the best boyfriend ever. i want to spend my life with him."

Yes I snooped through his stuff when he went nuts. Would a BPD write that in their own private journal they keep in a safe? If so, does that mean they are lieing to themselves?

I don't know about the journal. I don't think mine ever kept one. I do know that she has, or had, about 100+, maybe 150 pictures of me.

She had downloaded every picture of me I ever put on FB. And then for several months would ask me for a picture every day, either from the gym, or when I was out driving. And then there were pictures of us.

I don't think they are lying. As I've said, I believe they feel things very intensely. It's just that they:

1. realize we are human too, and not this great super being

2. get bored or feel slighted by things

3. want something new

They feel it while they are living it. It is just not a "real" love in that they do not work through issues or compromise. They paint you black, push you away, and run from you.

Excellent post tailspin!

I agree. Great post.

Hello Rocknut,

People who suffer with BPD attempt to justify in their own minds their emotionally driven actions that result in the Extinction Bursts (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0) that you are describing as "psycho" behavior. Walrus Gumboot referred to this earlier as well.

It would benefit you greatly to check this out:  How a BPD Love Relationship Evolves (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves)

As you learn about all the aspects of this very confusing disorder it is important not to overgeneralize because each person with BPD is a unique individual just like yourself, myself and all the members here.

The causes of the disorder have both a genetic and environmental component as stated in  this study (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=40148.msg832578#msg832578):

The research team found that 42 percent of variation in BPD features was attributable to genetic influences and 58 percent was attributable to environmental influences,  and this was consistent across the three countries. In addition, Trull and colleagues found that there was no significant difference in heritability rates between men and women, and that young adults displayed more BPD features than older adults.

I hope this information helps you on the path of understanding.

lbjnltx

The third time we broke up (initiated by me) was because I found out she was having an online affair. So I go over to her place, start collecting my things, and tell her we're finished. She starts physically attacking me, throwing punches, telling me she hates me (the hell did I ever do to you? lol) so I pin her down on the bed with my arms on her wrists to restrain her.

After I had gathered up all my things, she started to undo her Christmas tree by throwing ornaments everywhere. On my way out the door she said, "I am going to commit suicide." So I called 911. Was a gong show of a night.

And her gong show will continue.

As I told you paperlung, I am pretty sure my ex chose her new BF because he is older, owns his own house, still works, and has no next of kin.

Given her history of using men for whatever her needs are at the time, her feelings that the men in her life have never provided for her retirement/old age, her own failure to save for her retirement until very recently, and her access to drugs from her workplace, this has all the making of a Lifetime channel movie.

All I can say is the end is really, really scary.  And the part that freaked me out the most was I wasn't sure if she knew she was lying to be manipulative for secondary gain or whether she had constructed these lies with the firm belief they were the truth.  I'm not sure to be honest which is worse.  Mine basically told me she was calling me when she wasn't, deleting me from Facebook but claiming that it was because the hospital facebook access had porn on it or something and that the account was just deactivated, calling me from blocked numbers when ever I would try to terminate contact and the coup de gras when she started screaming don't touch me in my car when I put my hand on her hand gently to calm her down.  I fully thought the cops were going to come at that moment and that I would be in jail and my medical license was going to be gone.  The only thing I am grateful for is that she never threw anything or threatened to kill herself.  But those steps were rapidly approaching.  You just have to hope and pray they attach to someone else and QUICKLY which is happened in my case.  Saved my life... .  

Sleep doc described about how my own relationship with the expwBPD ended.  And yes she attached to someone else quickly, it hurt me severely, but maybe was really a blessing.  She stalked me constantly during the relationship, when we were together she would wait until I was asleep then go threw my phone and wallet looking for anything to pick a fight over.  When I see the bits and pieces of the Jodi Arias deal I believe it very much could have ended soo much worse for me, I'm thankful to be above ground and not in jail or with a criminal record at this point. 

ScotisGone74

  You are dead right - you dodged a major cosmic bullet.  One thing I haven't seen spoken about is sexual jealousy, a technique that BPD's use to keep you in this state of fixated control.   You, I'm suspecting like me, isn't just going to sleep with anybody.  I've slept with two women in my life, my wife and my BPD ex.  For you, like most people, sex is associated with intimacy.  Because BPD's have such an insanely hard time with emotional intimacy, they look at physical intimacy as "close enough".  They will have a very long sexual track record and will do everything from letting you know who they are sleeping with to calling you after sex to act like everything is the same or to guilt you into committing less someone sleeps with "your girl".  I remember my BPD in the beginning of the relationship was actually sleeping with my colleague and letting me know in both over and covert ways that she was doing so.  At the same time, she was making out with me, holding my hand, and even performing sexual acts in my car.  So she was showing me the potential, claiming the reality with my colleague was subpar, and was holding me hostage until I would commit to the relationship.   And this was the BEGINNING of the relationship.  Compared to me, all of you are emotional rocket scientists. 

ScotisGone - what I am attempting to say is when she called me from a blocked number I ran through every scenario of fear that you could imagine. But the truth of the matter is that BPDs are just scared little kids afraid of the dark.  Sex with the next guy is a night light.  You are the sun, he is the night light.  Let him manage her fear while you provide sunshine to someone who wants to grow with you.  If you've had sex with her, and you have limited desire to ever again in the future , you have nothing to be jealous of. You weren't going to have more sex because then she will continue to abuse you.   They will use sex to get what they need because ultimately sex means very little to them.   It just fills the emptiness and if the sex is from someone who is physically available but emotionally aloof (a psychopathic narcissist) then it is someone they will either go to consistently to feel better about themselves (my ex BPD was so aware of that she actually converted his last name to a fight a 1-800 number as a transitional guy that she can use purely for sex and some conversation to give her what she needs until she can emotionally move in), go to while you are together (because of some fort of punishment), or marry because they don't have to expose their emotions.   It is your PRIDE AND EGO that is hurting from this nothing more nothing less.   Just remember that and you should be set... .  

They are a contradiction in so many ways, and that goes back to fleeting feelings and few core values.

My ex and I both agreed it was our best sex ever, and she was all about being together long term in a committed relationship, and she was insanely, really insanely, jealous.

Two weeks after we broke up she met another guy. Two weeks after that she started a friends with benefits type relationship with him. She says there is no love there, but there is an understanding and respect and she uses him for sex. She also says that sex with him is nothing like it was with us, and it is just a small part of their r/s.

If I thought about her contradictions any more, my head would spin.

No, it means that is how your ex felt in the moment it was written.

The hallmark of BPD is intense emotional thinking and reactions.  Emotions are ever changing.  A healthy person will recognize their emotions and balance them with rational/reasoning thoughts.  A person who suffers from BPD doesn't know how to do this.

lbjnltx

You sound like a very educated/intelligent guy. I have a theory about doctors... . my dad is one and at one time I was president over 3 medical centers... . worked with a lot of doctors. Actually it isn't limited to doctors, but it seems more prevalent with them.

When people are maturing, they sometimes hit bumps in the road that stop them from going on. The BPD folks... . seem to be stuck early at 2-3 yrs old. I think I was stuck at about 17, same as most doctors. Why would I say most doctors... . to be a doctor you have to bust your butt studying from 17-25 or so... . putting in long hours. You do things that are emotionally very trying (like dissecting cadavers)... . typically repressing a lot of needs in the process. Then when you finally get out and are doing an internship, you are called a doctor... . you want a partner... . and get one that is all wrong, but drawn to being "Mrs. Doctor X"... . and head out to start repaying all that med school debt.

So, I would disagree that compared to you, all of us are emotional rocket scientists. We were not as buried in pre-med/med school to the exclusion of being late teen/early twenties daters. The good thing is you probably make up for it in brain power.

If you are single now, do yourself a favor... . stay single a few years, date... . you will have lots of interest... . you can get the dating experience we were having when you were busy... . nicer even, girls will go out with you that wouldn't with us... . and find out what your issues are that led you to a pwBPD... . (I like Reinventing Your life by Jeff Young... .   and the schema therapy tests online... . set you back maybe $20... . give a lot of direction)

There have been a few doctors I met that didn't seem emotionally stunted around 17... . but I would say 9 out of 10 were. To sell them on an idea you had to make it sound like it was their idea and slightly irresponsible fun... .   which is part of what led me to my theory.

Anyway, you are being hard on yourself, lot of shame/dis-approval for having fallen for a pwBPD. It isn't a fluke, and it isn't something to beat yourself up about... .   both people in a r/s usually have about the same level of dysfunction... . you see the BPD issues, and from your comments I suspect you are very hard on yourself, maybe don't feel much joy even though you are driven and accomplish a lot, are socially awkward, etc... . those are things you can change to make your life much better.