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Title: Wouldn't have made a difference Post by: mtmc01 on April 11, 2013, 04:39:36 PM I know that I did not do everything I could have in the R/S. I became very codependent, controlling, stubborn, and distant the last several weeks after her final drunken episode. However, what I am now realizing is that even if I'd done everything "right", it only would have been prolonging the inevitable. Her issues weren't going to magically go away. She would have struggled massively if we'd gotten married in May and she followed through in moving across the country with me away from her codependent mother. This was always going to happen, and I suppose I should be thankful in a sense that she painted me black and cut off contact and jumped immediately to a new guy before we got married or had kids.
Title: Re: Wouldn't have made a difference Post by: mango_flower on April 11, 2013, 07:52:04 PM Thank you for this - I needed to hear it. We had a similar relationship ending to you - I know I distanced myself after she started "acting out". It is nice to hear it reiterated that I could never have made this work, it was only delaying the inevitable. :)
Title: Re: Wouldn't have made a difference Post by: somethingtolose on April 11, 2013, 08:08:18 PM She would have struggled massively if we'd gotten married in May and she followed through in moving across the country with me away from her codependent mother. This was always going to happen, and I suppose I should be thankful in a sense that she painted me black and cut off contact and jumped immediately to a new guy before we got married or had kids. Yep. I didn't know she had BPD, so I was playing the "what if" game for years. At the time, I thought she treated me in the most brutal way possible. But then you read the stories of the protracted struggles and it's staggering what some people have been through. But the truth is, treating me so poorly might have been the most humane thing that she could have done. She hurt me so badly (and violated my inherent sense of morality so completely) that when she tried to contact me again a year later, there was no chance of starting it all over again. Had she not waited so long, I probably would have done anything to be with her. Title: Re: Wouldn't have made a difference Post by: jaird on April 11, 2013, 08:18:20 PM She would have struggled massively if we'd gotten married in May and she followed through in moving across the country with me away from her codependent mother. This was always going to happen, and I suppose I should be thankful in a sense that she painted me black and cut off contact and jumped immediately to a new guy before we got married or had kids. Yep. I didn't know she had BPD, so I was playing the "what if" game for years. At the time, I thought she treated me in the most brutal way possible. But then you read the stories of the protracted struggles and it's staggering what some people have been through. But the truth is, treating me so poorly might have been the most humane thing that she could have done. She hurt me so badly (and violated my inherent sense of morality so completely) that when she tried to contact me again a year later, there was no chance of starting it all over again. Had she not waited so long, I probably would have done anything to be with her. Great point. And my ex made me realize how good a partner another healthy person is. It's like you have to see the bottom to appreciate the good in others. |