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I know that DD is under extreme stress facing strong possiblity of her DWAI probation being revoked. She sees her PO next Monday - she got a final warning last week from him. Court ordered UA's twice weekly - I am paying for these with monthly deposit with counseling center. I have not paid anything since end of December. She has missed most of her drug/alcohol classes and treatment sessions this year as well. My mind is just boggled by her not getting that she is doing this to herself.

She also shifted into hyper-criticism of everything we were doing with gd7. Screaming that we 'stole' her daughter with gd present. When the pressure for bfM to participate as he agreed in family or move on led to their 'breakup' end of Jan., we decided no more overngiht guests for DD. She pushed this rule hard with reconnection to exbfG. Then when she brought exbfM back, being driven to house by exbfG --yikes. M does whatever he wants whenever he wants, "I am an independent man". DD demanded that we let him stay overnight - which would lead to him being here round the clock for days at a time as before. We stuck to repeating "no overnight guest, the last bus leaves in half hour, so he needs to be walking". Dh ended up calling the police when DD starting moving to get physical with me. They escorted M away. They let DD stay with a promise to stay in her part of the house. She did this after one brief confrontation in the upstairs hall. She left the next day with her friends and if memory serves me was home for one night last week. Went to her probation class on Thursday, doctor Friday noon for recurrance of MRSA infection and stayed in town. She is still gone - I have not "been there" for her.

Ok, enough of the back-story.

Yesterday afternoon reps. from private colleges started calling me. Like every few minutes. I think 7 in all. She also used up her 2gb of data time on her phone in past 2 days - I put a block on it as overages are excruciatingly expensive. Assume she was online on her phone applying at colleges. She does not have high school diploma or GED. She stressed out and nixed doing the free GED prep classes I found for her - she asked me to do all the footwork to find and set up her for this orientation. She has used my email for all her job searching -- she needs too much support to get and keep a job yet refuses to work with a job counselor.

When she finally responded to me it was all about me helping her pursue this delusion that she can go to college like lots of her other friends getting grants. I have seen the endless commercials on TV - offering scholarships and no entry requirements. I know this is a long post - please bear with me. I need to share this stream of text messages. I have resigned as her case manager and life coach with her failure to do her probation. How do I let her know that we will not be paying for anything offered her as an alternative sentence to straight jail when her probation is revoked? ie. work release, school release, home detention... .   These all are very costly into the hundreds of dollars monthly. She has a one year sentence hanging over her. My assumption this morning is that the job searching and college apps. might be motivated to stay out of lock up. I have to tell her that she is on her own with her plans once her probation is revoked. Our resources for her have dried up. This feels so very unloving, unvalidating, and extreme boundary. Yet, we have to keep ourselves solvent, my marriage intack, gd in a safe-stable-nuturing environment. Gd's diffculties in school, and responses in her play therapy could lead to her being put in foster care. I have to choose gd and let go of DD no matter how much it hurts. I am only able to do this by putting up an emotional barrier to DD as she does not accept my resignation as case manager/life coach for her.

So here is our text string yesterday afternoon. It started with my call to her to turn her phone off for 5 minutes so I could block her data before it went over 2 gb - at $10 per mb after that! She complied with this when I said the past 2 days would have cost me $1000 if she had gone over.

me: why r all these colleges calling for u on my phone?

D: U can't just sweep me under the rug u raised a disaster n u can't toss me n try again that's not how things work QCR learn to pretend u have a backbone  {she is calling my given name instead of mom which in past has been a hot button for me - disrespectful} {try again is alluding to our custody of gd7 - per D we stole her daughter even though she is not here for gd}

me:Ur next step is a GED an working with a job counselor. College will come later. this is being smart.

me: case mngr {mental health clinic} asked the work counselor to call. u have appt with her on thrusday at 11am. i am happy to drive u. {told her a few days ago I am not driving her for friend activity, only for appts and probation stuff}

D: U wouldn't know

me: have u told all these colleges u have no ged? how r u going to pay for it. private colleges r expenseve. financial is a loan. how will u pay that back? this is ur life and ur obligations.

D: grants u don't haved to and I lied.

me: well what happens when they try to get ur transcripts from high school? what happens when u need help with the work for class? Will grants pay for all of it? r u willing to do the work or expect someone esle to do the hard parts for u?

D: what hard parts it can't be that awful or no one would do it but u r belittling and rather mean about anything I do so u really suck at parenting QCR

me: which goal have u stuck with for more than 2 months? school is work in class and homework. if i support it as easy for u that is not helpful either. for u to have ur own place to live and be out from under our rules u need a job to pay the housing costs. how will that work if u r at school?


No reply to that last one. Have not heard from her today. I really hope she stays away with her homeless friends. She is just too triggered to be safely in our home. I am unable at this point to dredge up much valdation for her. All I have right now are boundaries.

I can understand how painful and sorrowful it has been for her to live here and watch dh and I parenting gd. she tried building a friend r/s with her little girl. This stopped with breakup with bfM at end of Jan. Then exbfG is back in her life - as a friend per DD. I know he diapproves of how 'lenient' we are with gd. He comes from a drill seargent dad and helicopter mom (love and logic language). I even asked DD a couple weeks ago if her increased criticism of how we are parenting gd has been stimulated by bfG being back in her daily life. SHe said no.

So, I do not know what the future holds. God tells me to worry about today and give him all my worries about tomorrow. He will give me what i need when the hard things come. I am praying to trust this. Mindfulness -- taking care of my precious self and being here 100% for gd's needs too. Dh and I are coming around to be on the same page with all this. We hope DD ends up in jail soon. We need courage to let her know alternative sentences are not going to be happening with her in our home or with our money. She needs to ask for GED and work counseling help in jail. The programs are there if you ask.

Thanks for your open minds and hearts and ears today. Don't be too hard on me, but reply in honesty from your own story.

qcr  

Dear qcr:  "We hope she ends up in jail soon"  says it all.  How far you have come!  How strong your boundaries are!  And how powerless we all are over our children's choices!   Sounds to me like some sort of "extinction burst" as she too has decided she will be going to jail.  Your decision to take care of yourself for dh and gd6 as well as for your dd, is the right one (in case you need to hear that).  Of course it is so easy to see what someone else "should" do, and point it out with smug assurance.  I trust you will not see these words in that light---but I think the Lord has led you to this place, at this time, and has blessed you with the clarity to know what has to be done.  Your dd will be fed, clothed, housed and safely off the streets in jail.  She will have opportunities to improve her life, and heaven only knows what or who the Lord will put in her path during this time.  In the meantime you will be able to focus on yourself, your family and restoring some sense of order to what has become such a chaotic life for all of you.  I will pray for serenity for you as you navigate the next many days until a decision is made.  I think limiting your phone/text contact at this point by not responding right away might be helpful.   I've only had a brief experience with jail for our DS, but my heart hurts for you.  Please be strong.  YOu are such an inspiration to me!             SP

I don't think you are being harsh at all.

sometimes, even though it hurts so much, you have to stop giving because I've found that the more that I do that, the more my son expects it and assumes it will happen. I also have to remind myself constantly that this doesn't make me a bad person, that part of loving my son is not enabling him, letting him fail, and sometimes watching him succeed by himself.

For example (my son is 21 and walked out of our house is living with friends family) He texted my DH (no idea where he got the cell from) to say his car needed major repairs and would we pay for them?

We said a flat out No. (5 accident 3 tickets in a year before we signed the wreck of his car over to him and he had to do all of it himself).

Next text, well can we advance him $ from his next monthly check to cover difference and he'll take out a $1000 loan? (this bit is all done via his brother which ticks me off but what can you do?)

We do this.

So we helped him a little but kept within our financial boundaries and he had to figure out a way to do this himself.

It's hard not to jump in and save him, its incredibly hard, especially as he is mildly physically disabled, but we just can't damage ourselves any more.

I think you've done an incredible job to help your daughter and got very little in return. I also think you need to think about what you need and let her sort some of this stuff out herself. You're a saint. :)

Jail is actually a pretty good place for very low-functioning, tx-resistant BPDs, IMO. A week inside was an excellent learning experience for my DD. I wouldn't lift a finger to prevent her return.


Conversation should have ended here.


Some parenting book (might have been john Rosemond I like him) said "don't ever ask a question you already know the answer to". You know all the answers to these questions. You know your DD knows she isn't going about this a reasonable way, pointing it out doesn't give her new information. Let her repeatedly whack her head against a wall instead of trying to slip a pillow in there, or standing next to her telling her her head hurts because she's whacking a wall with it.


Le 2 centimes de moi :)

vivgood

  Sorry qcarolr for the way this all turned out for your dd26.  You were very supportive and she was offered many opportunities to improve herself and her life.  She dismissed them all and now it is time to face the consequences of that.  You would not be doing her, gd7, dh or self any favors by rescuing her from the natural consequences of her choices. 

We cannot orchestrate the outcome.

As Vivgood pointed out, jail could be the best thing for her at this point in her life.  The structure and opportunities combined may be what it takes for her to commit and follow through.  I know it is hard to accept this and let it be what it is!  

lbj

The hard part is I feel the need to tell her that we cannot support any kind of alternative jail options -- and this is what court wants since the jail is crowded, budget is in crisis, and the inmate has to pay out of pocket for all services outside of jail.

I think I answered all the texts because I needed to express myself to her. As I mentioned, validation was not in my being yesterday. Sometimes I am vague in my responses to her, instead of saying "what are you thinking!" to avoid confrontation. Right now I feel totally about being confrontational. I know this cannot happen if she gets herself home. Then it is about keeping the peace with gd home.

She just texted a nice "what r you doin today" followed by "I am trying to get there". My answers were "waiting for school bus to come soon". and "k".  She had all her monthly money and if she was not smart enough to keep a one way bus fare in a back pocket - well she can be creative to get home. Most likely a ride from exbfG.

SHe has been in jail a couple times. Once for 30 days. Once for 65 days. though she complains about how awful it was, I think she knows what needs to be done to get her needs met there - at least the basic ones.

Is there a suggested way to let her know the limits we are placing on our continued help with her DWAI situation? ie. not paying for anything new? Or just sit quiet until after she sees her PO next week and see what happens. Do you think if she knew we will not help her if she goes to jail would have any impact on her choices now?

I also found out today the summer camp that gd wants is not covered under the scholarship we got approved at the local Y. So have to rethink our budget around this now. Another reason to not pay for DD life.

qcr  

You don't need to say anything to DD. Just "no" if/when the court asks you if you will fund an alternative. If pressed, "No. We do not have the money."



Sitting quietly is excellent.



irrelevant brain blip :). Sit quietly some more!

My DD described jail at the family Thanksgiving table: "It was a lot like Bible Horse camp. Only without the Bible. Or the horses."


vivgood

OMG! That's funny!

qcaroir

I have a dd15 so I am not sure I can give you any advise. I am blown away by your story and struggle. You are very strong. I was thinking that things might be better for my dd when she is older... .   I hope and pray they are because the trouble they can get themselves into is pretty bad.

I can still see some similarities between your dd and mine... .   seems they like to work the system... .   anything to avoid working on their problems. That is the sad part. You have done so much and offered so much help and she has not taken advantage of it. I do think you are doing the right thing. My only suggestion would be to step back and pause at times. Don't engage in texting if it is abusive etc... .   I also would not engage in telling or arguing with her about her choices.

Let her feel the full wait of her choices... .   you should not feel bad about that either. Try to put some distance between you two. That doesn't mean you don't love her but you need to have boundaries. Keep strong and I know you are very religious so I think you need to give it to god. He has a plan for you and your dd. Give up your worry and trust in your faith. Sending a hug your way... .    

I am laughing too.  :) qcr  

OK - will give sitting quietly a try. Resolve to not respond to texts that make my heart pound and breathing quicken - or discover I am actually holding my breathe  

qcr  

qcr:

I wish I had some helpful advice but I don't have anything to add and others have given such wonderful advice.  I just wanted to say that i think you are a remarkable person.  You have done so much for your DD and your gd and I hope you know this.  I am constantly amazed by your strength.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Griz

qcr:

Ditto to what Griz added.  You are strong and I know can get through this.  It is very hard even when we know what probably should be done but don't like it.  Our love for our children and gchildren is very strong.  I wish I could help. 

 

In the Great List of Things We Do To Live With BPD Kids, seems like "doing nothing" should be one of the easy ones! and yet... .   curious how hard it can be to sit quietly


vivgood

qcr,

I am so sorry that you are still struggling with DD, her probation violations, and her disrespect towards you. 

Your dd  made all the choices to not follow the program for probation.  And, you should be done with all of this now.  You have done all that you can.  She did not comply with the rules of her probation.  And, she will have to do the jail time. 

You have been abused long enough.  You should not have to provide an alternative if your dd can't comply with her probation.  The burden should not fall on you.  I know that I was not happy that my dd was given house arrest, even after she lost her job.  While she was in jail, the judge said that she can have work release when she tests clean.  And, then house arrest while on work release.  She tested clean, but while she was in jail, her employer fired her.  Still, the judge gave her house arrest.  At the cost of $20 a day.  She used her income tax on that.  NOw, she is about out of all the money. She does not have a job.  And, she kept going on about how she needs clothes, my gs does, and she does not have money to pay her bills.


They make their choices.  We can only do so much.  Take care of yourself!  

 

peaceplease

Dh aland I r not yet strong.  :) needs to be arrested for domestic violence and child abuse.  Waiting at door 8:45 tells dh bfg coming. He reminds her this will be short visit before at 10:30. Same yelling how she is adult n can do whatever she wants in the house. Why can I not just stay out of it with gd upstairs brushing teeth. D called both dogs down. So gd is telling her she needs a dog. Then d is in my face chest bumping me at bathroom door. I holler for dh to get police. D is now threatening to kill me in my sleep.

Now gd is asleep in my bed with quiet music on. I am here with my wireless kindle. I know that we need to report this tomorrow. Dh has day off. I am swing my new t in morning.  :) has to face rules beyond ours for this terror inflicted on gd. Better to do this while she is in school. Will we be able to do this.

Gd has play for parennts at 10 in morning. I may call the case manager we work with at social svcs first. This is about gd. Fear they will take her away from us. Pray for courage and strength to do best thing for gd. Then care dh n I need will follow.

Qcr

he did not call police,... .   bfg just left

Prayers for all of you, dear qcr.      swampped

Great mantra.


Another one to tattoo inside my eyeballs.

More high drama for you to have to deal with qcarolr.  So sorry for your family.

What will you do today to protect yourself and gd7?

I am thinking if I was in your position I would:

Call her po and let him know what has been happening.

Tell the po that the conditions of her probation regarding residence have now changed because you are not allowing her back in the home.

Ask the po if she shows up on Monday what he will do regarding the status of her probation?

Text d and let her know that she cannot come back to the house.

File for a restraining order.

My hopes would be that she would not come back and would either be placed in jail on Monday or have a warrant issued for her arrest in her absence.  I would do all of these things with sorrow and hope that the outcome will be good for everyone.

Self... .   at peace knowing gd7 will not be witnessing anymore traumatic events, peace knowing d is in a structured environment w/opportunities to better herself, peace knowing I did all I could to present opportunities in the real world.

gd7... .   removing threats from her life to avoid arrested development, have the security that her grammy and poppa will protect her

dh... .   provide a safe haven for him to process all of this and practice radical acceptance.

dd26... .   she chose her path and is in charge of her choices now and in the future.


If there is a failure on anyone's part it is not yours to own beyond your control nor is it permanent.  Correct thinking errors when they arise, avoid the black/white extremes qcarolr.

 

Q-

I'm so sorry you are having more and more issues. lbj is correct, whatever you decide for now, please remember nothing is permanent.

I would think that should you bar your DD from living with you that whomever is looking at the situation will be able to see that you have what it takes to protect your GD and that, even though difficult, you have done so. I can't see why she would be removed if you can be proactive for her benefit.

Please let us know if you need us!

Thursday

Reached out to my support for help today. Saw my T, and she helped me write out what  I need to say to DD. Supported me in how to talk with dh about this. Got home to dh and dd having coffee, dh inviting dd to join us on our errands. she wanted to go to town - said she lost her wallet and needed to track it down. i just wanted to shake him - i needed to talk with him alone.

So we did run to one store alone and pick up burgers to take back. On the way I my phone reminder rang to call the social worker with kinship services. She has been working with us since gd was about 2, she knows our story and checks in if she doesn't see us every couple months. I have trouble finding private time to talk, so she asked me to call her today. So dh said, call her before we get home.

The plan outlined was to tell DD that her actions were abusive to gd and list the impacts observed by us and others outside our home: school, therapy, pyhsical complaints (mostly stomach aches - wanting tums - tasting her "stomach in my mouth". There will be no warnings - if she acts with loud profanity, name calling, etc the police will be called and she will be asked to leave. Social services will be contacted.

So the case worker, E, said do not ask for social services to get involved. That complaint will come across her desk... .   She understands the difficulty in knowing homelessness is only other living option for dd. She says even if she goes to jail, she will not be there for long - she will released on new probation terms. I said we cannot pay for this. We also cannot pay for a place for DD to live. She suggested we wait to contact PO until after DD is out of our home - either in jail or homeless and not permited to return. There could be longterm limits on her access to gd. And gd loves her mommy -- even as she is still processing the fears she has for dh and I. There seems no fear for herself at this point -- though gd is not in a place to know the damage of trauma she is experiencing.

So get home, get in truck with DD, and she makes some comment about me -- I don't even remember what -- and I just spew out what i need to say to her. All the above. Dh is trying to get us both to be quiet -- he cannot tolerate loud or tense voices. We drop DD off and return home instead of doing our other errands in town. Dh claims he was trying to quiet things down because he feared dd would lunge from the back seat to attack me! I did not get this from anything he was saying to dd or to me -- he seemed to be giving in to dd. Oh, and as we were dropping dd off, my phone rang and it was a neighborhood mom needing me to meet her girls at bus-stop because she was having internal bleeding and needed hospital care immediately and her parents were not answering. I said yes, of course and DD spewed - you can take care of this other mom, but not me.

There is so much neediness in dd, and I cannot fill it up for her. She went to her probation class -- claiming I needed to come and add money to her UA account because she has been doing them.  Well, the receptionist said - "she has lots of money here". what is it about BPD that limits DD's ability to realize that the truth will come out and her justifications will fall away? Does she believe her tall tales to me? Does she really think I am as stupid as she tells me I am?

So it is a waiting game again. Dh and I have to contact police without any delay -- have to have zero tolerance for anything. Hope DD gets how serious this is, and how convicted I am in following through on this plan. I have to accept her never finding forgiveness and being seperated in hate from me forever. Now is that a thinking error? Catastropic thinking? nothing is forever. I can always hope she will want a r/s with her little girl and become willing to do the work to make that an option. There are so many in her homeless group that have lost their parental rights to so many children. It is so very very sad for everyone.

The other piece that comes up with me is the grief. My T said I can stay in my anger to get things done with DD that need to be done. Then I need to let down and we can work together on the emotional flood that is waiting. I cannot feel my pain and make the choices that i need to make for gd and dh and I right now. I need my anger to keep from becoming a crying heap in the corner.

bfG saw his PO today - being put on home detention -- 5th final warning. No wonder the system doesn't work - the consequences are never put into place. They need a little love and logic in the courts -- well and more money to fund the jail programs. So maybe he won't be coming around anymore once this is set up.

I feel like I am rambling now. I do know that gd has the ability to talk to dh and I about what is troubling her -- putting her feelings and worries into words and asking us for help understanding them, and what we are doing to protect her. And found out today she qualifies for free summer school for 5 weeks, tranportation and breakfast included! Prayers answered. And she can still do 2 weeks of horse camp and one robot building camp. And I can fit my work into this.

qcr  

Yikes, qcr, just got through reading the thread.         

I am with ya. It must feel so crazy at this point, and trying to keep it all together until the jail option comes into play... . that's gotta be hard.   

You asked us not to be too hard on you but to be honest:

Actually, qcr, don't be hard on YOURSELF, be gentle with yourself and take good care of yourself. What you write is a sign that you are trying SO, SO HARD and that you are also at, or close to your breaking point. No wonder you are not in a place to be validating. At this point, you need some validation yourself. And some rest as well. Can dh help you with this?

I was going to say: "sit tight", Just like some others have said. No need for another confrontation. Look at it as taking care of yourself.

Then I was going to say: when there is a specific threat (dd threatening to kill you in your sleep) - Was that a God-sent opportunity to let the consequences find your dd, and give you some peace of mind? (But hind-sight is 20-20)

you say:

"... . So it is a waiting game again. Dh and I have to contact police without any delay -- have to have zero tolerance for anything. Hope DD gets how serious this is, and how convicted I am in following through on this plan. I have to accept her never finding forgiveness and being seperated in hate from me forever. Now is that a thinking error? Catastropic thinking? nothing is forever... .  

... .   The other piece that comes up with me is the grief. My T said I can stay in my anger to get things done with DD that need to be done... .   "

I think that sometimes in our minds when we are deciding to do something drastic, the fear of losing an r/s forever keeps us from doing what we know the wise thing is. And so, your mind is trying to say: even if it is forever (which it probably isn't, but even if), this is what is wise to do.

And your comment about anger - right on! Anger can keep our energy up when we are in danger and at the end of ourselves. Then, we collapse. You will be able to do that later.

Hang in there, qcr. Is it possible in your situation to let your dh take over the interactions with dd and focus on yourself and gd, while waiting before your dd goes to jail?

pessio - thanks for the encouragement. Yes, I do need validation. I am learning that I cannot do this alone, and that dh is a vital part of this process. I have been very direct with him that we have to do this together and very direct in asking him to do specific things for everyone in our house. He has taken on a lot with dd - he sees the need to buffer me from her anger. And by a miracle he was off work today - his boss asked him to swap thurs for fri. I am definitely the black knight with lance pointed in her direction. I feel this, and hope she can feel this. I am not very friendly with her right. and very direct with her also.

Example is the 15 calls I got from colleges she contacted for information. She gave my cell number without asking me. I gave them dd's cell # and asked them to take my number off their record (on their no call list). So dd got slammed with all these calls. I had texted she needs to focus on GED, job, apt.  College would be a good goal later. I think bfg was encouraging the college - this is the path he is on. I think she is getting this from having to talk to them.

She blew off the work coordinator appt at mental health today. Never answered me when I reminded her earlier yesterday. The counselor called on dh phone today (used to be our home #) and she talked directly to dd who rescheduled next week. Then my T appt that was in conflict got rescheduled to Tues so I can take her on Thurs if she still chooses to go.

I am finally able to step out of the middle of dd's appt life - if she lets me know and I am able i will drive her to probation or medical/mental health appts. if dh is not available. I have made it clear i am not available for stuff with friends. I dh wants to be her driver for this, I cannot stop him and will not judge him.

I am praying for mercy for dd. only a power beyond human can reach her.

So meduim chill. I don't like this. it is the right (wise) thing to do for now. And lots and lots of warm fuzzies for gd. She even seems to be getting some excitment about the summer. Routine is her best friend - and a quiet gentle voices.

qcr  

DD left her worksheet from her drug/alcohol class on the kitchen counter last night. It was about support for your needs - who, what, how. One point was that being more supportive of others will help build the skills you need to manage your life. Wonder what she got out of this. Her responses show her belief that she is doing the best she can and that her parents 'shot her down'.

My take - if we do not allow her to do whatever she wants, with whomever she wants, when and where ever she wants (including in our home) that we are not being supportive of her needs. Like the rules do not apply to her if she does not agree with them.

Makes the constant push against what we, and most others in our support team, assert are reasonable boudnaries. And that as the home owners in the 'roommate' situation have the right to set. It is not a landlord/tenant situation which does have different legal implications than a roommate situation. I have researched this back in 2009 when we last were confronted with need to evict DD - had the legal documents but could not bring myself to go to court with them. Waited out the desintegration of her bf r/s for a few months then she could not come home after getting out of jail for that last big fight.

Other things coming to my acute awareness is that if DD feels her treatment, or the rules, are unfair then there should be no consequences. Those rare times when she accepts her responsibility in a situation, she is also more accepting of the resulting consequences. Like DUI in Feb 2009 - she knew she was way too drunk to drive but felt compelled to leave a party and no one would answer at 2 am to come get her. She tolerated it until 5 am when she trashed her car driving 6 miles with a flat tire and bent rim - jumped a curb trying to run down her husband as far as I can figure. She acepted that she needed to do this probation - though assumed I had an obligation to pay for it. Then she was unable to comply -- cocaine use in that year, then malt liqour, then narcotics. All depended on the what the freinds she was with shared with her.

The 65 days in jail, without any support from parents as I was burned out, for assault of the narc bf she felt was totally unfair. Her story was he was trying to kill her and she was protecting herself. I believe her story is real to her - no way to know the facts. The DA believed they had good reason to charge both of them with assault - they both contributed to it all. DD wanted to go to trial (which she likely would lose with her word against his and the others in household against DD) but pleaded guilty to get out of jail. No probation just time served. And then she was homeless with a restraning order and the DUI probation still hanging over her. She still carries great blame against me for all of this period - it was unfair therefore it was some else's fault. She brings this into it anytime she is angry with us about anything. How I "did this to" her.

Ahhhhhhh. to let this go. how many times do i need to tell the story before i can let it go. the blame. the compulsion to get the story straight inside DD's head. the pointlessness of this. the powerlessness of this.

Breathe breathe. pray for healing. focus on cargiving for gd and dh. gratitude for flexible job with caring co-workers. gratitude for caring T's willing to stop my story telling and shift my focus to what I am feeling, not what I am thinking. Lots of work to do with all this buried feeling. I bury it with all the story telling sometimes. Or need to begin telling other stories about other aspects of my life.

Time to go take gd to spend allowance. Be back later. Breathing kindness for myself today.

qcr  

qcarolr... .   I've been reading your posts since I joined on April 11th, and I've been so impressed with your stamina and resilience dealing with your daughter. I can SO identify with your frustrations, sadness, anger and stress! In dealing with my own BPD grown (36) son all these years, I know where you are coming from (though his behaviors are not at the levels of your daughter's, I do still feel the things you do in my dealings with him). Please know that I've learned so much from your stories and insights, and I would not be breathing as easily as I am, and dealing as carefully and deliberately (as opposed to reacting emotionally as I used to) as I am these days, without you. Hang in there; seems like the crest will be reached soon for your daughter and maybe life will be better soon for the remainder of your family. Kudos to you for being the wonderful and supportive Grandmother you are to the little one... .   :)

Welcome to this board Rapt Reader!

qcr,

Good to hear that you are getting some support from dh and are taking care of yourself! Yay for supportive husbands.  |iiii

Ah, the constant need to re-live and re-think, wishing we could set the record straight in our kid's minds... .   I also often fall into that trap. Not healthy, not productive, very addictive and hard to shake, though. I wonder why that is. Does anybody here on the board know the answer to that?

I know this might sound harsh, but I think that sometimes we did our kids a disservice trying to protect them and ease their way through life by doing too much for them and assuming too much responsibility for their lives... .  

Since I have read the book "Boundaries", I have realized that when I was able to leave the responsibility where it belonged (with my step-daughter) and only offered: 'Is there something you would like me to help with?' She was usually much more grateful, and respectful of my time/resources. When I was assuming responsibility for her issues, she usually took me for granted much more, and was also more resentful if I did not intuit and/or fulfill all of her wishes.

I also realized that when we were less enmeshed and more distant, she was more grateful and respectful.

So, in the future, I plan to keep a safe distance that will allow for clearer boundaries and therefore for more respect in our relationship. (Best laid out plans are the ones in theory, right? - We'll see if it actually works. It is much easier said than done)

How much longer does your dd have before her probation is revoked? (Is it a sure thing or she still has a chance?)

pessio   

Dh says that I am obssessive in my thinking and talking with him about DD. I think it has some to do with replacing so many years of guilt about being a faulty parent with reminders that I am a good parent and did the best possible with the tools available at the time. My new T is going to work with me on the feeling side of things - main focus of this therapy. The 'bad parent syndrome' is triggered when DD is in my face, on her texts, about what a bad parent I am for her and for gd7. Even though I know in my head she is protecting herself - projecting on me - in my heart there is this doubt that doesn't let go easily. And I am so exhausted -- keep trying to 'seal it off' instead of dealing with it so I can let it go. This has also come up in my therapy - and only 2 sessions. How I appreciate being heard and cared for.

I vacilate between being a 'helicopter parent' and a 'disconnected parent'. Kind of an all or nothing stance. Have blamed on my bipolar II a lot in the past. Think it is somewhat a PTSD response to the intensity of DD abusive behaviors since she was very very young. I knew she had complex troubles - ADHD, age 4; bipolar age 6; NLD age 6 (learning disablity) --- plus sensory and vision issues. DD refused to cooperate with any therapy from age 3. I can look back now and accept the suggestion at age 6 that there were/are significant attachement issues for DD. I could not even take this is until very recently. She was in psych hosp at age 6, social worker there suggested we relinquish her to social svcs -- that sure triggered the mama bear in me and the parental guilt and the resolve to "make it work".

When I try to step back and let DD solve her problems, she attacks me. When she was 6 her T said the boundaries between us were blurry and her acting out was trying to get her needs met (pull me closer) and seperate from me at the same time. This is how it still feels. The more she lashes out, the more I perceive that she needs my help, the more unsafe I feel and the more I withdraw to protect my self. Neither of can meet our own needs in this scenario, much less be there to validate and support each other.

And then whatever is pushing her over the edge subsides, she settles into a more calm state, and it feels more normal in our house again -- like yesterday and today. She lets me know what she needs, I can say yes or no. I can say what I need from her, she can say yes or no... .  

I am realizing from conversations with social worker for gd, observing PO for bfG not putting him in jail for violation (he is on probation too) --- unlikely they will put DD in jail. And if so, not for long. If her revokes she will most likely get a court hearing set in 3-4 weeks, then see what happens. Problem is we cannot pay for the alternatives to jail if it is more than what her current probation requires - ie. we pay for UA's $80 per month; her medicaid is paying for all the required classe and treatments (including CBT eventually).  Maybe DD realizes this too, so is not so worried.

And maybe she is accepting our house rule for not overnight guests. I was very very direct with her Thursday about the house rules and her behaviors impact on GD and that there will be no further warnings -- we will call police to escort her off the property.

Only time will tell. So enjoying the peace of today.

qcr

Peace always sounds good 

Keeping my fingers crossed for your T to have the right mix of compassion and tools to effectively help you deal with some of the past that might be creating fog for you in the present.

With such a complicated situation (past and present), and so much going on, I wonder if it would help to try to look at it from a fresh angle (if it's even possible)... .   Have you had a chance to check out the "Boundaries" book? I think it is a perfect bookend to the Lundbergs' "I don't have to make everything all better". It talks about how what and when is supposed to happen with a child developing healthy boundaries. Would that help you to trace back what and when went askew regarding your dd's ability to accept and respect boundaries? And possibly give you a clearer picture what and in what order might need to happen for her to get better? (Of course with all the  my-issues it might be more complicated, but could that be a rough road-map?)

Pessio -

I have the Boundaries book and have been back in it recently reading. Off the top of my head, at this moment, I would have to go back and review the table of contents to remind myself of what it said to me. What I do know is that their ideas work for gd, but not so much for DD. The more I learn about attachment issues - and this reading comes from wanting to do my best for gd, I think I get a better perspective on what I faced with DD. And how hard it is to 'fit' her into anyone's model. She just has so many things going on in her brain that cross-wire with everything else. This has always been my perception, and the current neuroscience seems to support this.

The pdoc that started with her at age 6 when she was inpatient for 3 weeks and in day treatment for 2 weeks, then tranisitoin to public school with IEP said "She will have a hard life. The compensating areas for each issue are compromised. This cannot be medicated away." We tried various therapies - individual, OT, family, PT,... .   our insurance would not pay for vision or sensory integration so we did not try these even though suggested. DD was not able to fully participate in any of these starting at age 3.

I can taste my frustration it is so intense. There is some reason DD is part of my life, one that goes beyond being her mom. It is not very clear to me what this purpose is. To be here for gd. To be here at bpdfamily.com to share my story and hear you stories. It has given dh and I great perseverance and compassion for all r/s in our lives. And it is drawing us closer to each other, well on most days.

Dh and I talked again this evening about how we can find a way to get her a place to live. We so need our home to ourselves and gd. We know the current peace will not last - she has untreated BPD, this cycling is a given. I will keep praying for guidance toward a longer term solution for this situation... . one that will not break us financially. Dang it all -- I love her... . she is my daughter... . she deserves more than homelessnes... . she is doing the best she can even when her distress dissolves her into abusiveness... .  

No easy answers. I so appreciate everyone here that cares about me and my family. I so need your validation and love on a daily basis. You are a big part of my survial.  

qcr  

Oh, qcr,    

That is the problem-solver in me always trying to find some fast and easy answers... .  

So, I was going to say: how about the boundaries with an extra big dose of validation?

But I can see from your response that you have already tried that too, haven't you?

Soo... .   how about I wave a magic wand and "make it all better"?  :) ... .   I sure would love to... .  

I can feel your frustration... .      

You know, you are right, there IS a purpose to everything. It is just our not knowing that makes it uncomfortable for us at times... .        

I keep forgetting: how does it work with disability? Could your dd get her housing paid by that?

Anyway, I just want to encourage you: you are so dedicated, so caring and loving. Who besides you and your dh has spent so much time, energy and resources trying to help your dd?

My DD struggles so to get qualified for federal benefits, SSI. She has applied 3 times starting at age 19 when she no longer got benefits under my disability benefits. She is appealing and is last stage - the 4th level - in federal district court. Now we just wait for the judge to give his answer. This takes from 9 months to 2 years, it was put in his hands last September. So puzzled by these denials. I believe some of it comes from her refusals to do therapy, to build the documentation with professionals. And of course, this very refusal is a part of the disability   So there is very limited funds to her from the county while she waits for the SSI answer.

Housing - very long wait lists for adults without children. Then there is DD's legal history filled with domestic violence incidents - even without arrests. Then there are the actual misdemeanor convictions. So they would no place her in housing, thoug she has many friends in such low income housing who have gotten their SSI. SHe is not able to play by the rules. I can see that many in her homeless group are in this same place - unable to play by the rules to get their needs met. If she can keep from getting any new charges (they base this on arrests, not convictions) for 5 years she can try again. Or if she is truly working on her issues with a professional therapist, they can help her appeal the housing denials - she has to choose to get treatemnt and be honest in treatment.

Choosing treatment may never happen, or be  a very long tortuous process for her -- and for her family.


Thank you for the encouragement. There are so many here in my same position -- with as much love, care, and frustration willing to give all they can to try and help their troubled kids. So hard to discern what is supportive and what is enabling. What they each can do for themselves and what they need help with. If we did not care so very much, we would not be here to support and care for each other.

And besides that, I just love to talk talk talk -- tell my story. I hope it gives others encouragement too.

qcr  

Update: DD has shifted up to stable mood. Brought up exbfM last night - he went to concert with old gf's yet told her he still loved her. I reminded her that he says this when it fits his needs. When she has needs, he is not there to encourage her, unless it fits what he needs. She nodded. I suggested he has a PD - narcessitic PD. She said, yeah totally self-centered. And mom, I have a pd too. from me: yeah, but your's is borderline. I have a book you can read. she said: I know what it is.

Wonder if she ever reads in the DBT workbook I gave her 2 years ago?

this is a first, for her to admit out loud that she has PD. My assumption: she is working in her counseling classes at drug/alcohol center. She started the second level class 2 weeks ago.

Today: went to PO meeting. he reminded her to keep up UA's and good job going to classes. Next appt. in 3 weeks instead of 10 days. She chose to stay home instead of hanging out with friends. She is still planning to go to meet with work counselor thursday at mental health center.

So for today, all is good.

qcr  

good report qcr!

Today, it all sounds encouraging! Savor it, enjoy the present peace.  |iiii