BPDFamily.com

I am in therapy and am considered a people pleaser. I understand people like me and rescuers are susceptible to enter relationships with BPD's. I can't imagine if I was more healthy (not a people pleaser) not being drawn to my ex BPD. Can anyone explain to me how healthier, more confident, better self esteem, people can avoid relationships with people who have BPD characteristics?

all i can say is I'm not doing it again with a new one. No way... .


probably.

haha

I think a more healthy person simply won't put up with their crap... .   they see the red flags and run. 

Maybe if we can become the type people you describe, they will avoid us.

I don't think healthy people are drawn to pwBPD. I had known my ex for 5 years casually or not-too-close friends and never saw anything out of the ordinary with her... .   in a bad way. she seemed like the absolute perfect girl. But I would add that we are more likely to stay/make it work/fix them/rescue them once we start seeing their issues. So I think we aren't any more likely to be drawn to them, but we are more likely to stay while others will just walk away from them.

yes i wrote what hithere wrote. lol

Who we are drawn or attracted to is very different than who we end up in a relationship with.

The key is to pay attention as you get to know the person, actually notice the red flags and once you see enough of them (usually about 3 - 6 weeks of dating), be ok saying, "we should just be friends".

It takes a healthy person to end a dating situation without having a back up.

Attraction happens - but being in a relationship is a choice.

I hope this makes sense.

My very personal answer would be: If I would be more healthy in relationships I would be jump in less fast, with more critical distance. And I would be trustful, that I can go out at any moment. Just saying NO, I dont want this any more.

I can define which kind of closure I would like to have with someone. Saying NO to obligation.

My mom was text-book Histrionic PD with a healthy side of NPD.  I grew up around serious mental illness and it's what seems normal and comfortable to me.  It's taken a lot of work for me to feel like I don't crave that sort of insanity in my life, but the fact that I was able to break up with my BPDgf when things got unhealthy is something I consider a good sign that I'm getting much healthier. 

I thinks it's about avoiding to be in that sort of relationship again.

We've been there. Our goal should be to learn from this experience.

Learning means: don't fall for it again. Yes, you can bump into someone that looks the right person, but due to our lessons we'll know what to look for and when to turn our backs.

Our second goal should be: don't turn our back too easy: not all persons are BPD. Find the middleroad!

Anyone can get stuck in a long-term relationship with a BPD. I've seen many, many, nons from all walks of life, who were well-adjusted people, come on this site hurting as well, and found it very hard to  detach. The borderline is a consumate actress, very seductive, and a master manipulator. You can learn everything you need to here, walk away healthier, and still get hurt. I never underestimate the damage they can do to our emotions. But yes, knowing what is wrong with them, and listening to others will help pull you out and away sooner, but, I'm sorry,  you will still get hurt, whether you are mentally healthy or not, because they are such master manipulators.

In my case, my exBPD girlfriend, before we dated, were friends 18 years ago and she confided to me that she got pregnant on purpose with her then boyfriend thinking he would marry her. Her 18 year old daughter to this day does not know her father. Is this enough of a red flag to even a people pleaser to never get involved?

When we started dating in 2009, she gave me the marriage ultimatum after 6 months. Would this have been enough of a red flag to most here to have walked away? The reason why I ask is that had I been in a healthier state of mind, I could have avoided the emitional merry go round that lead to her dating my ex friend and her filing a restraining order against me.

Being a person with a healthy emotional state doesn't mean you won't ever get involved with a person who has "problems", or that it won't hurt or you won't be disappointed.  It means you weigh out things and are willing to accept you need to let go and deal with those feelings.

It's making healthier, more mature choices - I think that is what those healthy folks do.  They might know a person with BPD but they know theory limits.  They know when to be supportive and when to detach.  They accept reality a lot better.

Good to read this right now as my 'ex' is doing a masterful job right now of ignoring the fact I clearly broke up with her, directly and clearly... .   as she always says I am not direct (?) this way... .

She's ignored it apparently... .   it's incredible... .   just complete total abjectly not taking in a word I said and instead is texting me about a new dress she got and  "Well you might have the opportunty to See it soon"

What?

I guess it is alluring to be sought after, again and again and again... .   but there is obviously real danger there as for all i know she will drop the bomb in ice cold fashion by disappearing for a day (universal language of announcing she's been with someone) and the reappearing and texting... . "Sorry, I am back with X" or "I am dating... .   You broke up with me... . there's nothing wrong with me having sex with a friend... . some people have very different views on sex then you do you know" (yes this was said! ugh!)

Soon God soon... .   give me the strength.

red-flag

That used to be me! lol

Hurt llama,

I can relate to the BPD which won't go away.  I kicked my ex out 3 months ago.  Have tried to block communications, etc.  He keeps getting me sucked in but I think I finally have the strength to not go there.  Yesterday he said "the end".  I'm like "yes, finally" and then last night he texts me about this wonderful dinner he had with his dad.  Hmm, I thought we were over?  When will it be over? I need it to be over!  Hard to move forward when they keep creeping back into your lives.

I think my codependency traits have allowed me to be an easy target for my BPD.  He knew I was vulnerable and easily manipulated.  Now that I'm out of the relationship, I can see in hindsight how he was playing me.  I allowed him to over step boundaries in so many ways... .   he didn't contribute financially and I ignored the red flags because well "I loved him" and I'm a very tolerant person.  Not any more.  

I am trying so hard to heal myself because I cannot and will not go through another dysfunctional relationship like this again.  I'd rather be alone the rest of my life.  

I wish I could lay the mantle of blame on my ex... . it's not completely the case... .   As clear as I was when she came to visit me and I ended it once again, I am not yet completely ready to let go... . getting there I feel but if I were I could shut it down... .   but I am wrapped up in her life her problems and am now an almost 'bank' to help her out till she gets on her feet... . I know she hates borrowing as much as I do lending... .   I think we're over... . but as many have experienced it seems to take several times for the obvious reality to sink in... .

You sound like you are well along the healing path.Good for you and I know how hard it is.

Hurt llama,

Well, lets just say that I'm strong today but not everyday.  Last weekend I agreed to meet up with my ex and even entertained the idea of being friends "with benefits".  What was I thinking?

I think that's why NC is critical because when I see him in person I just want to believe he is the normal looking person he appears to be and he can be so seductive and nice.  I miss him and still want him.  Yes, a man who abused me verbally, manipulated and controlled me and took away my self-esteem. I am still addicted to him but everyday I feel a little bit stronger.  :)iversionary tactics seem to work for awhile.  It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do.  I know I can't go back but somehow ousting him totally from my life has been painstakingly difficult.  

There's a difference between wanting to please people and being a People Pleaser; wanting to please people we care about is healthy, and we can do it without sacrificing ourselves, where as People Pleasers put other people's needs ahead of their own in an unhealthy way.  When a People Pleaser gets involved with someone with BPD traits, in other words someone who's needs are so extreme it has to be all about them, all the time, it creates a perfect storm of one half always taking, the other half always giving, an unbalanced relationship.

I'm a People Pleaser too, and my ex stomped all over my boundaries, took me for granted and abused me, which is actually the good news, delivered with a lot of pain, which is what it took to get through to me, apparently.  Moving forward, I'm now learning to make my needs as important as other's, and not deny myself parts of my personality, like anger, to become a full person, autonomous, with clear boundaries.

It's a little embarrassing to acknowledge all of the red flags I ignored and the denial I was in, and I could hate the ex and label her bad for it, although I now know she's not a bad person she's a sick one, and those were lessons I needed learn on my way to that legendary, healthy relationship that is in my bright future.

I do think healthy people sometimes get involved with unhealthy PD people due to a lack of knowledge, experience, understanding. I know for myself that when I met my uBPDexw I saw red-flag  's but I gave the benefit of the doubt as everyone in life has their share of problems and she was charming. lol  What I didn't recognize and this is the IMPORTANT PART was her complete lack of accountability for the decisions and things that took place in her life. ie: first two marriages.

When accountability isn't present, that is the time to end any courtship. They have a PD period!   Had I been wise and knowledgable many years ago the relationship would have ended abruptly.

I think there should be some kind of requirement class to educate the young before they ever start dating. A class to arm them with the knowledge needed so their lives do not get entangled or derailed.

well, here's an article about healthy relationships... .  

The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships  (https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles15.htm)

This was pretty useful to me. Years ago, getting out of a r/s with an ASPD, I thought "well! I'll never do THAT again!" and lo and behold, each r/s has gotten worse than the last one. So obviously I have some problems. Working on those now with a T, as I divorce my bipolar/psychotic features/ASPD/NPD husband of 18 years.

I know "never getting into another relationship again" doesn't solve my own issues; nonetheless, I don't see myself having another r/s for a LONG time. I'm not to be trusted--I know that. I need to sort out the absolutely creepy childhood I had that has led to this belief that "that's the best I can do" and that I have to fix someone utterly broken in order to prove I am lovable. I've come a long way, but have a long way to go.

Me, too.  I was only partially aware of the dysfunction of my FOO before my recent r/s with uBPDxbf.  Now, I see my past more clearly, and I realize that even with all the work I've done on myself, I have a long way to go.

Good luck moving forward, dA!

I overlooked a lot of red flags that more healthy people would consider dealbreakers. My T says denial and intellectualization have been strong in me. Working on FOO issues here.