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It's been four months since I terminated my relationship with my BPD boyfriend.  Things went from bad to worse and I couldn't take the lies/deceit and verbal abuse anymore.  I feel it was the right thing to do and I do feel my self getting stronger everyday.  I'm focusing on myself and it does feel good.  

The problem is that I still miss him.  I miss the good side of him... .  the funny, spontaneous guy that I feel in love with.  I know I can't go back because I have to take the bad with the good but I still miss the goodness in him.  I just pray that someday I will be able to fully wash him from my brain because right now he still is very vivid in my mind.  

I toyed with the idea of being "friends" when he asked me and we tried temporarily.  It became obvious very quickly that he was just trying to recycle me so I immediately pulled out.  

Sometimes I wish I'd never meet him.  It's so hard to move forward when you still feel an attachment... .  

I know exactly how you feel.  I miss my ex as well, the good side that is.  It sucks that they have this illness because without it they are beautiful people.  I too would like to fully detach my feelings from her.  I have recently been thinking about her more, and it sucks.  I wish you well on your recovery. Walking away was the right choice.

Awww, healingmyheart, 

Its ok to miss him.  Its completely normal and healthy to miss people who are dear to our hearts.  I will always miss my ex.

Even tho we know our relationships were destructive for us and that our needs would never be met in them, there were happy times as well as the bad.

It is a wonderful reflection of what a loving heart that you have.  They may have BPD, and they may have seen things differently than we did, but they still had

an emotional attachment to you.  Love (BPD style), need, etc etc... .   It was still there even if distorted.

I think its just a part of grief.  I remember my ex with love and compassion, while keeping my boundary firm that I will not be in a relationship where my needs have no real value.  It would leave me a bitter and unhappy person to stay in a relationship where I had no value.  

Letting go of the fantasy and holding on tightly to your own self worth will help you greatly in detaching with love.  Its freaking hard, I know.  Im going through a situation very much like you, but I wont go through it again EVER.  This is the last time I mourn the loss of myself.

You are so important, and you deserve to live a life of love not servitude.  Your ex is hurting and in terrible pain, but you can not fix him.

You can not control him, only yourself.

What do you feel that you deserve in life?  Can you have that having a relationship with your ex?

Dear Healing Heart!

My heart goes out to you as well. These breakups are not typical since the relationships with a mentally ill person are not typical. As my T reminds me, we were essentially brainwashed, and putting that all behind us is a process, a difficult healing process that will not come overnight. It takes discipline and hard work. In the meantime, what may help is something my T suggested. When I had a pleasant thought about my stbxh, I was to replace it with an unpleasant one. This was a short term solution for me, as I do not want to be consumed with the unpleasantness of the relationship. However, during the detachment process, I found it very helpful to do so, and it sure got me past the point where I missed him. It's been 4 months of separation now for me. I don't miss him. I focus on the peace in my world, and what I can do without him to make myself happy. He did not make me happy. I can look on the nice things he did with some fondness, but I am able to put it all into proper perspective. He's not a bad man, the illness is bad. He has goodness in him, and I feel compassion for him. I do not miss him and the madness. I feel good about my decision to let go, and in time, so will you!

Best Wishes,

Val78

Validation,

I love your advice on replacing good thoughts with bad ones.  I think I will give that a try.  :)

Hi healingmyheart,

I really relate to what you are saying! I think that at four months out  I was sometimes more "in love" with my ex than I was when I was in the r/s! All I could remember and feel was the good part of him. I read somewhere that this is a normal part of grieving. And, that sometimes we mistake pain for love, that is, we think the intense pain we feel must be because of our great love for them. But pain is pain and love is not pain. Tricky, sometimes.

I agree with Validation78. It really helped me to focus on the bad things about him and about our relationship for awhile, not to be mean-spirited and spiteful, but just to be truthful! In the spirit of honesty and fairness, review the really unkind, unfair things your ex did, said, the pain he caused you. Do this often. It helped me. I also had to remind myself that I was trying to put a bonfire OUT, not feed it. Thinking of the good times was just putting gasoline on the bonfire.

I am now a year out and things are much better. I can see the good and the bad much more clearly. I am neither "in love", nor "in hate". I miss the good times, but not so much that I want to invite the bad times back in my life.

I think most of us feel or have felt the same way. It's brutal and doesn't seem easier if we were the one's who ended it. I ended it with my ex and have tried to be friends and it worked in many ways, text friends, phone, etc... . but what I didn't realize was happening was how much it was holding me back... . I did it for years... .  and in the last 1 1/2 years I went to see her and she finally came to see me recently two times... . I finally realized this is insanely (literally) bad for me as it's all one sided except I must have been getting my co dependent and seemingly masochistic needs 'met'. But it was like also a form of Stockholme Syndrome... .  Sympathy for your abductor/abuser after being held captive.

I think that many BPD people operate in some sort of 'dual' mode that allows them to be almost two personas at the same time... . Saying one thing, doing another.

Short story is they are crazy making machines for those who might be vulnerable at the time or in general... . Mine struck at the perfect time. She never would have had a chance at other times in my life and no more of 'them' will ever get a chance again. Go ahead, make my day! lol

Stay Strong!

   

When I first got here, I took about 2 hours and wrote down my account of my relationship. Start to finish.

Why I left, why I was unhappy, the things that made the relationship unsustainable, in pretty exhaustive detail.

I'm sure it was an entertaining read, maybe, but it was more for me than for anyone else.

Whenever I get to feeling sentimental, I just sit down at the computer and take a quick read of what I wrote when I was most unhappy, and most committed to leaving and never going back.

It's easy to gloss over the bad and focus on what was good. I think we're probably hardwired for it biologically,  but more-so after our relationships trained us to do it.

Just make sure you have a reference point, somewhere, for exactly why you left in the first place.

Thank you every one for your replies.  It means a lot that you replied because I know you all truly get it.  It makes sense that I should redirect my energies and focus on the bad right now as opposed to the good.  Believe me, I am trying to remember the ugliness too.  How can I want something that is so bad for me?  Today I stumbled into a art museum which happened to have some Salvatore Dali artwork.  I just sat down and cried right there in the museum.  My ex and I had recently visited his impressive museum in St. Petersburg and all those memories came to the forefront and I couldn't contain myself.  The lady working there finally came over and asked if I was ok and needed anything.  I just smiled with tears running down my face and said "I'm fine."  I'm NOT fine!  I want this pain to go away.  I want to stop wanting him! I want my life back!  I was so in love and I'm still in shock that everything we had was stripped away.  It just seemed so perfect in the beginning that I never thought things would get so complicated and painful.  He was the one who had the emotional affairs and lied and deceived me and was verbally abusive towards both my daughter and I yet he is going around twisting the truth making me out to be the bad guy.  So I get abused and cheated on and ultimately blamed for everything.  It's just messed up.  What is wrong with me?  I'm trying so hard to move forward.  I'm going to counseling, divorce and recovery and I'm even trying a codependency workshop to cover all bases but I still feel stuck.  I'm also redecorating my house but if I keep that up much longer I'm going to go broke in the process  :).  I should hate this guy but yet I seem to be addicted to him.  I'm trying to be patient but I'm getting weary at this point.  It's been 4 months and he is still on my mind almost all the time.  Today I was so weak I almost reached out and texted him.  I know I shouldn't but yet I want to.  I want to feel good again and i know he is my drug of choice.  Why can't I snap out of this?  

Maybe it's time for me to start dating?  What do you think?  Maybe it would help me to get my mind off him and start moving forward?  Obviously I'm not ready for a relationship per say but just companionship.  I'm feeling really lonely.  None of my friends seem to understand.  I just don't feel like I should still be hurting this much still.  If I'm going to continue hurting this much forever, I'd just assume go back to him... .  

Ha. We're on the same page there. If I do any more redecorating, or moving my furniture around, I'm betting the neighbors will call the cops. Also have a minor issue with plants, gardening and botany now too.

I guess there are worse outlets. I could be smoking meth or robbing old ladies. A few (dozen) sunflowers isn't going to hurt much.

I'm pretty sure the official position here is to avoid dating, for myriad reasons.

Personally, I've been doing some casual dating. It's barely been a month and a half since I moved out, but I've honestly found it kind of helpful.

My confidence was pretty well shot, and there was the creeping suspicion that I was damaged goods in some way. Getting out and meeting people, going on some low key, un-serious dates was helpful in getting some of that confidence back. It felt good to be seen as desirable, to feel some interest, to be able to present my good qualities and admire someone else's good qualities in a normal context... .  

I'm mostly just in favor of anything that helps emphasize the light at the end of the tunnel. Even if I'm not ready for a relationship yet, it's useful to have some real sense that it's possible when I am.