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Ok so i broke no contact and googled my ex.  I know this was a terrible idea, but ive been struggling lately and gave in in a weak moment. She left me for her ex, and it appears she is back in love with him. I know they have a disorder, but i still dont understand how they bounce back and forth between loving and hating someone.  I wish i could get inside her head just to see things from her perspective.  I consider myself pretty tough, but when it comes to heartbreaks i cant help but feel weak.  Because of my BDD its especially hard on me, when im feeling good i miss her much less, but when my BDD acts up i miss her much more, damn it sucks.  Having BDD i know that the mind works in weird ways so i can relate to my ex's BPD but i still drive myself nuts trying to make sense of the last few months.  Her ex was the last person on her mind when we were together.  She had to see him to exchange their son, but she showed no love towards him.  Then she leaves me for him.  BPD is a crazy disorder, it defys logic.  Her ex is a good dude and didnt deserve what she put him through, but neither did I. I wish she knew the pain she causes people.  Do you think she recycled him because she was in constant contact with him because of their son, or did she plan on recycling him all along and just used me for triangulation (read definition) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=121673.0)?  Do they think that far ahead?  Our relationship seemed pretty genuine, i like to think that her feelings were genuine at the time.

You're right: It is a bad idea.

That said, I've done it before, too, unfortunately. It's amazing what you can find, if you know how to dig pretty deep. I really should become a private investigator or detective. :)


At one point, though, after finding all this stuff for a while, I suddenly stopped & asked myself, "What purpose am I serving by doing this?"

I was only harming myself.


Detach, my friend.

Detach. :)

Hi Matt81 --

I really feel for you! It is so tough when you are trying to detach and you discover things about your ex that take you back into the chaos. But you did this to yourself, right? By googling her? You don't have to torture yourself with watching her every move. How is this helping you to heal?

As to what is going on in her head and why she did what she did, as you yourself say -- it defies logic. You won't ever really know why. There are many helpful things you can read here on this site that do shed some light on this kind of behavior, and that can help. But to some extent I think it will always be a mystery, because you can't get inside her head, as you acknowledge.

Having said all that, I do truly sympathize; I have been where you are. My ex uBPDbf got engaged 2.5 weeks after we broke up, to someone he met a few days after we split. They married a few weeks later. I spent a ton of emotional energy trying to figure out if I ever meant anything to him at all.  In hindsight, I think he did care about me, at least in certain moments. But ultimately he was capable of moving on very quickly, and that is all I really know for sure.

It helped me to maintain strict NC. Especially in the short term. It was difficult, but I tried hard not to focus on him and our past, but rather on me and my future. And part of that was thinking hard about why I could allow myself to become entangled with someone who did not treat me well. Would that help you?

She now feels relaxed with the ex in their routine, but soon, she will once again pick a fight, or coax him too. It isn't too complicated to understand their patterns of idealization, devalue, discard. This pattern is repeated in every relationship they have. The rebound/recycled who picks them out of the dumpster will once again experience the extremes that you are going through... . Idealization, pleasure, and security in the make-up, then, the extreme pain of low or no contact in the break-up, with alot of drama, activity, sex, arguing, crying, longing, and talking in between the cycles. Your ego takes a beating. Your adrenlin in your body and mind becomes addicted to all this junk of extreme highs and lows, and goes into withdrawal, and needs another hit.  Research how adrenlin can influence our thinking and behaviors. The relationship with a borderline is toxic. This is why NC is so very important. You must understand that they cannot love you in the truest sense of the word. They can only provide you with a temporary mimicry of real love, empathy, and stability.

Thank you for the replies.  At the moment i am trying to detach, but i have my moments.  Trying to place focus on myself as well, and remember the bad times of the relationship.  However the relationship was a short two months so i didnt see alot of her bad side but i do remember experiencing extreme stress towards the end.  Thats no way to live.  I guess a part of me wants her to reach out to me.  Its been two months since we split, i know she is no good for me and her contacting me would have nothing to do with her being sorry, but i still miss her.  Ive known her for years and we have always had a connection.  Its just sad to see that gone.  Oh well ill keep doing my best and coming here for support.  Thanks again to everyone here.

Glenn, I  too believe she is relaxed right now.  She is back with the father of her child, and part of me is happy for them, but part of me still hurts and misses her.  I know its only a matter of time before the cycle repeats itself.  Its a bad situation for everyone involved.  She told me right after her sons first birthday something changed in her mind.  Thats when she left her sons father and went on a dating spree that lasted 7 months. I was the last guy she was with before she went back to her sons father.  I had no idea what i was getting involved in when we hooked up.  Since i knew her for many years and she always liked me i thought what could go wrong.  So i went forward with the relationship and invested alot of myself in two months, only to be dropped on my head.  Still have a headache lol.

The constant is change.  Do you see that?  Whatever is currently the arrangement is uncomfortable in some way, and someone wBPD hopes (irrationally given history in most cases) that change will bring relief.  Really, it is only the hope of change that does bring relief.  Once the change occurs, it fails to solve the bad feelings and so more change is the only prospect for things getting better, so ... .  

You were a change, and now the ex is a change, and eventually she will need to change that, too.