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Title: Just had the worst rush of guilt ever Post by: jalbright on May 26, 2013, 09:22:46 PM It's been almost 2 days since my gfwBPD left and I think just had my worse moment yet. I was remembering the sight of her have an absolute emotion meltdown the night before and the morning of moving. She went back and forth between extreme sadness expressing her love for me and anger scolding me and being irrational. But when she very sad, she was in an uncontrollable sob and physical state, almost paralyzing. It was by far the most emotionally painful moment ive ever seen experiened by someone! I remember the 30 minutes that we literally stood facing one another at the front door bc she was so frozen with fear and sadness that she couldnt open the door to leave for likely last time.
It makes me feel for her so bad, it cripples me imaging the amount of pain she must be feeling. Feeling truely at rock bottom I almost want to go run to her and hug her just to take that pain away. I dont know this maybe this is something that is normal to feel possibly. Its just tough to swallow feeling like i was the source of causing someone i love so much hurt. That is a heavy feeling. Title: Re: Just had the worst rush of guilt ever Post by: confetti on May 26, 2013, 09:42:50 PM hello, jalbright~
sorry you are feeling this way. i can relate SO much to the first couple recycles my exBPDbf had put me through, if i left him while he didn't have "back-up" he would leave lots of suicidal threats and cry and beg literally until i would say its fine, sure, stay. countlessly melting down just to stay in the relationship. I never expected it, I thought our love was so real and so twin-souled... . that he was crying because he really loved me... . but that when "back-up" came around, he simply showed no emotion at all and took the last word and chance to leave to regain power. I know you are hurting. It is such a nightmare and shock for the first week or so. She is still your girlfriend? Do you think that the guilt feels better than the pain she causes you? Small steps... . Title: Re: Just had the worst rush of guilt ever Post by: jalbright on May 26, 2013, 09:59:27 PM Thanks confetti. Just curious what exactly you meant by "backup"
Title: Re: Just had the worst rush of guilt ever Post by: jalbright on May 27, 2013, 10:50:23 AM hello, jalbright~ sorry you are feeling this way. i can relate SO much to the first couple recycles my exBPDbf had put me through, if i left him while he didn't have "back-up" he would leave lots of suicidal threats and cry and beg literally until i would say its fine, sure, stay. countlessly melting down just to stay in the relationship. I never expected it, I thought our love was so real and so twin-souled... . that he was crying because he really loved me... . but that when "back-up" came around, he simply showed no emotion at all and took the last word and chance to leave to regain power. I know you are hurting. It is such a nightmare and shock for the first week or so. She is still your girlfriend? Do you think that the guilt feels better than the pain she causes you? Small steps... . The guilt I've felt these last 2 days is probably the worst emotional pain I've had since a close family members death 5 years ago. Maybe even more so bc there is such a strong element of confusion. So id say, yes, the guilt is worse than the pain she was causing. But they are two different beasts |