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I had a hard time at first coming up with my own set of boundaries. I read that "bill of assertive rights" thing before but I want to be able to put it into my own words and make it applicable to my own life as everyone's life is different and different things upset different people so everyone will have different boundaries really.

I was reading someone else's post that said how boundaries are a lifestyle, not something to resort to in times of crisis and that struck a chord with me. I was like "aha! I'm finally getting the hang of this"

I'd appreciate feedback from other people on this :) I'd like other people to comment on their own individual boundaries too!   


So my boundaries so far are as follows:

In General

-There are rules there for a reason

-If I have nothing good to say then say nothing at all

-Don't give up when things get too tough

-I want people to listen to me and not talk over me. If they talk over me I will say "excuse me, I'd like to finish my point there". This is a bit of a tough one for me though so I'll have to work on it more


In Work

Keep my eye on the prize at all times. Focus on the work itself not on who I like/dislike... . it's business not personal. co-operate, co-operate co-operate!

Maintain professional boundaries with all work colleagues

Be punctual

Charm is fine but always back it up with a strong work ethic-charm alone will not get you through... . it's helpful but it has to be combined with hard work

No gossiping about people-I'm there to work not gossip.


In an argument:

-Speak to people in a respectful, assertive tone even if I feel upset or if I dislike them. Don't resort to shouting, name calling, blaming, sarcasm.

-Stick to constructive criticism-stick to the issue at hand instead of criticising the person for being "selfish" etc

-If I feel upset about something and feel unable to deal with it at that particular moment, I will say "lets talk about this later". I've actually done this before and it worked!


In friendships & relationships

-Support others as a friend/loved one, not as a therapist. Validate but don't try to solve their problems. Give them 5-10 minutes to discuss their issues but then change the subject-therapists get paid a lot of money for their job so I don't want to do it for free!

-I'm not prepared to listen to people talk about their unhappy childhoods, horrible exes etc... . I think the best solution there is to just validate but if they persist, to tell them that I'm not a therapist.  :light: how is that for a boundary? I think that one could possibly be better but I don't know!

-Don't try to change others-either decide whether I can accept them as they are or not

-Don't bhit about other people. If I have a problem with someone, either talk to them about the issue at hand or else destress by exercising etc.

-Talk about issues at appropriate times-not at the middle of the night. Early evening time is probably the best time-both people are free and not too tired yet

-Let everyone solve their own problems

-Don't let anyone push my boundaries

-Everyone needs to work to support themselves-don't lend people money or give them career advice. They should be able to figure that out themselves

-I don't want to listen to other peoples' relationship problems. I will either validate a bit or else just directly say that I don't want to get involved... . either way, if someone starts talking about their relationship, I will allow them to discuss it for 5-10 minutes before change the subject

-People need to look after their own mental and physical health. I'm not going to tell anyone to improve their physical health anymore by telling them to do things like quit smoking, lose weight. That's their problem. I can spot people with mental health issues however they need to seek help for it themselves and be willing to work on it. If they ask me for help, I will outline some resources open to them and then leave it up to them. I will not nag or pester them to improve either their mental or physical health. Health is wealth and if they don't realise that, then they're the ones missing out not me

-I'm not going to tell anyone that they should drink less. They should be able to control their alcohol consumption themselves. If it's out of control, then I will just cut that person out of my life-it's not something I'm prepared to put up with


Boundaries for my own wellbeing

-No feeling sorry for myself. If I feel bad, either destress or else try to solve the problem myself. If that doesn't work, then seek help off others

-I want to make my own decisions. I will listen to people's opinions and take them into account when making a decision however the final decision has to be my own one. I'm not willing to make decisions to please other people

-If someone tells me that I have some horrible personality flaw, I will ask them for incidents to back up their point. If they tell me that I'm being selfish, I will ask them to tell me a time when I was selfish. I need people to back up their claims with evidence, not make bitter half-baked arguments in the heat of the moment

-Having structure in my life is a good thing

-Keep busy at all times-it's not good to be idle

-Do my best

-If I fail, don't beat myself up... . just try again... . problem solve etc

-Delegate-ask for help if I need it

-My emotional and financial needs come first

-Keep trying to improve myself as a person, not because I'm a bad person but because I want to achieve my full potential

-If men make any kind of sexist comments, confront them on it. Equally, I'm not prepared to listen to women say how "men are all the same".

-Focus on the positive. I can bond with people through happy things like having hobbies, travel, doing fun things. I don't have to bond with people through pain-through talking about the past, their issues, my issues etc.

-I am entitled to disagree with other people. Nobody is right/wrong-everyone has their own opinions on things and everyone is entitled to their opinion

-I don't have to help people if I don't want to... . I don't owe them anything-I'm not obligated to help them. I will only help people if I actually want to.

-I'm allowed to dislike people even if I don't have a logical reason for this... . if I just get a bad vibe from the person, then that's enough. I don't need to justify my dislike of someone to someone else but neither do I need to bhit about them-other people will find out what they're like by themselves in good time anyways

-I don't want to talk about religion, politics or money ever

-I don't have to do what other people are doing. If someone is talking about some weird thing they're doing, I can remain polite but decline to take part. I don't need to feel pressurised to take part. I'm an individual and I have my own preferences. I'm not "weird" or "strange" for having different values to other people

-I'm unsure about my boundaries around smokers. I don't like smoking but it's something I'm prepared to tolerate at the moment. This may change going forward.

-I don't want to be around heavy drinkers/binge drinkers/alcoholics and drug addicts

-I don't want to debate issues with people. I don't want to enter into any heavy discussions with people. I would prefer to keep the tone of conversations fairly light because I find heavy discussions depressing.

-I don't want to discuss my opinions with other people.

-I would prefer to keep the vast majority of my thoughts and feelings to myself and work them out myself as I so choose.

-I value my privacy and I don't want to be around anyone that violates it/tries to violate it by disclosing private information about me to others

-I don't want to be around angry people/negative people/complainers. I will go LC/NC with them... . spend as little time as possible with them anyways

-I am entitled to stand up for myself when someone gives me destructive criticism

-If someone gives me constructive criticism, I am entitled to inquire further-to ask why they're annoyed, what the issue is, how it can be resolved

-I'm allowed to ask questions if I don't understand something

-I don't like people asking me too many questions about myself-I have no idea how to have a boundary in this situation so I could do with help there. There are some really nosy people about that love to ask questions-what are you doing, who are you dating, how are your family etc and they just want news! I usually make up an excuse-i.e. say that it's nice running into them but that I have to head off... . do some errands or something like that... . :light: is that ok?


Sexual relationships

-people should treat me in a respectful manner. If a guy wants to date me, then he needs to contact me regularly, be attentive, listen to me but also talk about himself too.

-If someone is trying to domineer me and insisting that they're right and I'm wrong, then I'm just going to stick to my guns... . I do this already but it's worth adding as it's an important boundary.

-I don't have to change my mind or change my opinion to please someone else

-I don't have to change my personality/sense of self to please friends/men

-I am entitled to wear whatever clothes I like and not dress to please men

-I have a voice and I am allowed to use that voice in sexual matters-to say what sexual acts I like/dislike. I don't have to participate in any sexual acts that I find uncomfortable

-I dislike loaded questions in relationships such as "how many people have you slept with? what were your exes like?" etc so going forward, I'm going to refuse to answer them. If they push for answers, I'm just going to say "no"-I don't need to give an explanation.

-I don't want to talk about my family to boyfriends. If they ask me questions on them, I will talk about them vague terms before changing the subject and talking about something else. They'e dating me, not my family so my family is really none of their business.


Appearance, Healthy and Fitness

-I am allowed to groom myself in whatever way I see fit-wear feminine clothes, groom myself well etc. I'm not vain/self-indulgent for doing so... . it's just good self-care. I can be pretty and smart... . both

-I am allowed to talk to whoever I want... . men and women.

-I don't want to participate in conversations where people are criticising other peoples' appearances... . :light: can anyone give me tips on how to navigate this one?

-I am not vain/self-indulgent for wanting to be a certain size/shape. I'm not too small at a certain weight. I am entitled to weigh whatever I like as long as it's within a healthy BMI range. If people comment on my weight, I will tell them that either a) I'm happy with my weight, b) I'm in a healthy weight category, c) I'd rather not discuss my weight with other people. I have actually used option c) before-the "I'd rather not discuss my weight with other people"

-If I've gain weight and someone tells me that, I will tell them that I know but again, I'd rather not discuss my weight with other people. If they persist, then I will say that it's really my business, not theirs. I don't want anyone to bully me over my weight-it's completely unacceptable.  :light: does anyone have any experience/tips/advice on this?

-I don't want to talk about dieting, exercise programmes, losing weight etc. I do this one already. I stick to talking about healthy eating and exercise if someone is completely obsessed with dieting etc-that they should eat in moderation etc.

-I don't like people pushing food onto me. I need to speak up more when this happens... . :light: does anyone have any suggestions with this?

I'm aware that there are a lot on that list-way more than I first thought possible. I've divided into different categories to simplify it. I'm going to print this out and keep it with me because there's no way I'd remember all of these boundaries off-hand. If I feel like my boundaries have been crossed, I'll consult the list. And also, add/take away things as required.