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I'm trying to change the way I'm thinking! Like saying,  why I was in such an abusive relationship at first place rather than putting it on ex and say why he was abusive, nasty, disordered, cheating, lying and so on!

Things come to my mind like  whether I was looking for someone who was emotionally unavailable? I  Have codependency issues? Low self esteem? Hiding my myself and issues  under the name of love?  then been told by ex that I was obsessive, stressed, paranoid, and submissive rather than caring loving considerate and decent?

What do you think guys?

Hi Cocoa!

All over the boards, we encourage each other to take a look at ourselves, and focus on what our part in the dysfunctional dance we played. The simple fact is that we have no control over what our pwBPD does/did, however, we have all of the control over what we do. It takes courage to look at ourselves with a critical eye, and acknowledge what may be shortcomings and problems we've never dealt with before. The payoff is though, when we do it, it is truly the path to healing and a healthy life!

One thing to keep in mind though. We were involved with a pwBPD, and their perceptions of us are not necessarily accurate. There may be some truth to what they tell us about ourselves, however, I wouldn't too much weight on it. I'll leave that to a healthy, unbiased observer as well as my own assessment in order to grow and heal!

Best Wishes,

Val78

Just consider whatever they tell you that you are, its really what they are.  I wont let some mentally ill dude define me.

A psych major I know told me that if they "feel" that you think a certain way about them, or you say they are something, they act like a child and automatically throw

it back on you.

Like when you scold your young child.  "Your misbehaving, you wrote on the wall!"  The child responds "No, its YOU who wrote on the wall."

You really didnt write on the wall, the child just projected the shame of doing his dirty deed onto you. 

Yeah you do need to be very careful when you take on board what they have said to you.

If they have painted you black or raged at you you will have been called lots of terrible things and everything you have done including things you meant for the best, or which yourself and other people consider to be good things, will have been picked out as evidence of your insanity/sadism/uncaringness/general inadequacy as a human being.

I know from experience that you must NOT take what is said in BPD rage and splitting at all as a reflection of yourself. It is often what they would like to say to their original abuser, and/or a projection of the way they feel about themselves.

I was mystified when my ex once spat at me that I 'was nothing special... . you think you are so special'. In fact I'm very low in self esteem and often depressed. I realised at that point that he was talking about  his own insecure narcissism. Other criticisms were harder to deflect and it is easy to feel like the piece of ___ they tell you you are, which would really be a mistake.

hi cocoalover

I think for me it has been easier to look at ex's issues than my own - it was easier to ask "why did he say that?" "why did he do that?" than "why did I stay?" "why did I reconcile repeatedly?".

Hard to get the messages we absorb about ourselves from them out of our heads.

But I think it will make life easier in the long run for me if I can look at myself more than trying to understand ex's behaviours/motivations.

Hello clairedair,

We all have anger to some extent! Been out for 3 years , 2 years complete NC, met him 4 weeks ago now I'm on square one! That's not to frighten anyone or to say I could not make it or no one can, But the emotional scars this broken r/s left on me is immense, feeling better today than yesterday though. I asked myself whether I want him back, the answer is NO WAY. I feel sad that the one I loved most has gone, don't envy the one he's with now though. It's just so heartbreaking to see someone suffers, that's one is me , him and the one he's with now! It's puzzling me why we both emotionally at the two extreme opposite end yet pulling each other to the point the rope broke! What was the connection! Think their philosophy is ( if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best) typical BPD. They know they are defected but they can't face it. At least I have courage to ask myself what's wrong with me! Wish they had for once had... .