BPDFamily.com

Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup => Topic started by: blackorchid on July 01, 2013, 02:36:42 AM



Title: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 01, 2013, 02:36:42 AM
Hi

since I joined this group last year things my nBPD boyfriend have been great.  I have really taken on board the lessons and advise and he has not had a major episode for 9 months ( before they were almost every 3)

But on saturday he had a massive episode triggered by nothing that I can understand.we have been together for  8 years and have been living together for 1 year.  The contract on our apartment is due to run out at the end of the month and so we have been searching for a new one.

I woke up earlier than him on Saturday and was looking online at apartments.  He woke up and flipped out.  Why am I looking at them? Im so stupid... . I dont know yet if Im staying at my current school or moving (ım a teacher) so why would I be so dumb to look now.  Then he dragged into the  argument that hes not happy that Im going home to my mums house for a week or so.  At which point I know I did the wrong thing: I reacted.  But Im going through an incredibly tough time at the moment.  My uncle passed away on the 19th June. Im going home for the funeral tomorrow.  Thats the 3rd funeral in 2.5 months.  My uncle died in april, my gran died on June 1st.  All on my dads side.  My dad died 2 years ago.  so that was an incredibly raw note and I lost  control of the situation.

I left the room for a few hours. I came back and calmly asked him if we could go out for a coffee or somewhere else to talk.  I find that thats more calming for him to talk outside of our normal environment. He refused shouting again.  His 2 cousins were staying with us for a week and I think that has escalated the situation as I couldnt do the normal techniques.  I left the room.  I then went for a walk and got out of the house for a few hours.  

When I came back he was all dressed for a night out.  I asked where he was going.  he wouldnt answer. All he would tell me is that he has called the landlady and we are moving out on Monday at 12.00  I agaşn got angry (wrong I know) asked where am I supposed to live.  He said thats my problem hes moving back with his mum.  I have moved countries to be with him.

He didnt get back in till the next morning and went straight to bed in the spare room with his cousin.  When he woke up he was still in his episode. Shouting asking me why I havent packed. I told him that I have spoke to the landlady and  I am finishing our contract.  This made him worse.  I left the house.  When I came back an hour and a half later he and his cousins had packed everything up.  He left.  He kissed  our dog told her sorry and that he loves her.  Told me this is all my fault and tomorrow I will understand how wrong I have been and he left.

I have had NC since and Im at my wits end. I fly home in 11hours

any one please give me some advice


Title: Re: he flipped into a range and has taken everything and left
Post by: zaqsert on July 01, 2013, 07:13:16 AM
Hi blackorchid,

I am so sorry you're going through all of that.  I can only imagine it must be tough dealing with your boyfriend's episode on top of the recent and upcoming funerals.  I am sorry to hear about your uncles and gran.

In my opinion, the most important thing right now is for you to take care of yourself.  It seems very unlikely that you will be able to get through to your boyfriend right now.  So, as hard as it may feel, this seems to be a time to let him deal with himself, the result of his actions, and find his own way to self-soothe.  Even if he comes back/calls/texts/threatens, you keep doing what you need to, go see your family, and go to the funeral.

Is there someone you can leave your dog with at the last minute, or is there a kennel or boarding facility where you can drop her off on your way to the airport?

We can chat about why your boyfriend may be doing this, but for the moment it just seems so much more important that you spend your time and energy on you and what you need.  So much of what he did seems so unacceptable.  Yes, he seems quite dysregulated right now.  That certainly does not justify his actions, it may only help to explain them.  Either way, it is nothing that you need to fix.

Please do what you need to do for yourself.  From what you posted, it seems that is to fly home and be with your family.  And remember that your phone is yours to control.  If you get harassing calls or texts, you can turn it off.  Then, when you're ready, let us know whenever you want to chat about the situation with your boyfriend.

Hang in there, and let us know how it goes.



zaqsert


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: casey1099 on July 01, 2013, 12:19:28 PM
Boy do I understand what you are going through! As we speak my phone is buzzing off the table with hate texts. My partner has rage episodes about every six weeks, and right now is a doozy. So far I have not reacted, but even that is not making a difference. So... . I agree you must focus on taking care of yourself. I am trying to do the same here!



Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 01, 2013, 01:27:05 PM
It sounds like he may have felt insecure about things (end of apt contract, your work being up in the air atm, you going away for a week, having guests, etc) and just... . overloaded. Not that having an explanation makes it any easier!

So you've got a week apart now for you to focus your attention elsewhere and him to calm himself down. That's probably good. You definitely made the right decision by speaking with your landlady and making sure you have somewhere to live. Sounds like he felt invalidated by you 'cancelling' his decision for you to move (you had no other option - it was absolutely the right thing to do!)

I'm in agreement with the others here: focus on yourself and just get through this week. This is one tiny piece of time in an 8-year r/s, it's not the be-all-end-all or anything (I know it doesn't feel that way though). There is really nothing you need to do except make sure you stay strong and calm, in so much as you can. He knows how to get hold of you if he needs you. It will be much easier to deal with once you're back in town and he's had some time to re-regulate his mood. Hang in there!


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 03, 2013, 05:31:31 AM
Thank you all for your messages.  I'm back home now. Arabella I think you're right about calling the landlady as when he found out he got angrier and that's what caused his packing.zagsert I've put my dog into the kennels so at least that's one thing sorted.  I'm glad you reminded me about its my phone as I have a choice as whilst I was reading this I got a message off him asking if I'm staying in the house as he will cancel the Internet. So far I haven't replied.  Do you think sometimes they like knowing that they hurt us?

Casey1099 I hope your partner is calmer now


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 03, 2013, 11:49:18 AM
Do you think sometimes they like knowing that they hurt us?

I think sometimes they say inflammatory things just to get a response. You might not answer a 'normal' text, but this one pretty much requires some sort of reply. I also think they do things to see if we still care. It's a piss pour way of going about it but, then again, subtlety isn't really their thing.


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 04, 2013, 11:52:11 AM
i replied and he just said thanks bye.

arabella i think youre right about getting a response or to see if we care.  Feeling pretty crappy today though about it all. :'(


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 04, 2013, 12:51:21 PM
 

Of course you feel crappy! It's a totally crappy situation and he's acting like a jerk right now. It's so hard to try to sit through the cycles of dysregulation.

What's your plan going forward? Are you waiting for him to contact you again? Are there any things that need to be settled (e.g. rent, bills, property, plans, etc)?

Has anything like this happened in the context of your r/s with him before?


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 04, 2013, 02:38:59 PM
he threatened to do this about 18 months ago but he never went through with moving out.  coincedently around the same date last year he had a massive episode where he changed his mind about moving in together to a different location and didnt calm down for about 3 weeks. that was when i found this group and apart from a minor dip in september things have been good.  i read the lessons and really took them on board. I guess I wasnt really following them at the weekend due to the emotional state that I was in with everything that has gone on.

Apart from that message we have been N/C all week and i guess im still waiting for him to get in touch.  Everyone back home is telling me to get rid and never to go back.  When I talk about BPD they dont understand it and say Im making excuses. And that even if he does have it why should I stay with him and get hurt in the future again.  That just makes me worse.  Im missing him and worried about him too.

I have sorted the bills before I went. But as I said we were searching for a new apartment.  My school has contacted me today with a new salary offer and I have no idea what to say to them moving forward. I am happy living and working in that country but at the end of the day I moved there for him... .  


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 04, 2013, 09:51:35 PM
coincedently around the same date last year he had a massive episode where he changed his mind about moving in together to a different location and didnt calm down for about 3 weeks.

Probably not a coincidence, but either way, there is a precedent. So you may be looking at a 3 week wait if that's his 'usual' cycle. Ugh!

Everyone back home is telling me to get rid and never to go back.  When I talk about BPD they dont understand it and say Im making excuses. And that even if he does have it why should I stay with him and get hurt in the future again.  That just makes me worse.  Im missing him and worried about him too.

I was having this very conversation with someone else from these boards the other day! We were saying how isolating it is to be with a pwBPD because you get no support from family/friends. I guess that's why many of us are online here so often. It's really hard. Just when you need support and a shoulder to cry on, you get 'tough love' type advice and constant invalidation of your feelings. It's really awful - like adding insult to injury. :'(

My school has contacted me today with a new salary offer and I have no idea what to say to them moving forward. I am happy living and working in that country but at the end of the day I moved there for him... .

Being in limbo is horrid. I'm there right now myself. Okay, so... . What would you do if he decided he was never coming back? Would you take the job? You need to do what is best for you right now. I mean, consider the variables, but ultimately do your own thing. e.g. If you end up single, would you still be okay with having this job for awhile? Is there any reason not to take it? What factors are you considering?


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: Chosen on July 04, 2013, 10:44:45 PM
Everyone back home is telling me to get rid and never to go back.  When I talk about BPD they dont understand it and say Im making excuses. And that even if he does have it why should I stay with him and get hurt in the future again.  That just makes me worse.  Im missing him and worried about him too.

I was having this very conversation with someone else from these boards the other day! We were saying how isolating it is to be with a pwBPD because you get no support from family/friends. I guess that's why many of us are online here so often. It's really hard. Just when you need support and a shoulder to cry on, you get 'tough love' type advice and constant invalidation of your feelings. It's really awful - like adding insult to injury. :'(

Yes I feel that way too.  Other people just don't understand, while members here... . a lot of us have gone through the exact same things, it's so similar it's scary.  Other people will usually tell us to run and never look back (as if it's that simple), or if you choose to stay, then shut up about it because that's the life you choose.  I think a lot of us stay because we truly care about our pwBPDs, that’s why even when they do things to hurt us we still care about them, consider their feelings etc.  And perhaps we’re all just dysfunctional.  I don’t know…



Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 05, 2013, 03:12:29 AM
Arabella I hope your situation is ok at the moment and is getting better. 

3 weeks seems like an awful long time at the moment. I guess Ill just take the job and focus on me for a while but I find that hard to do at times. Maybe you're right Chosen maybe we are all a bit dysfunctional

It is a really isolating thing caring about them at times like this isn't it... .   This support group is definitely a God send so thank you for answering me  |iiii


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: united for now on July 05, 2013, 11:56:44 AM
Feeling lost and unsure of yourself is normal when they take off like that. It leaves so many questions that your mind chases around trying to answer... .

The simple answer is "he's mentally ill"

That doesn't answer the specifics, I know. It is the explanation. Yeah, you could have done things differently. Responded better. You were dealing with your own issues though and under stress. So forgive yourself even if he can't or won't.

I found that creating a plan was helpful in keeping me focused. That includes adding in activities that brought me comfort and joy.


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 05, 2013, 02:10:04 PM
Thank you united for now. I guess it makes sense for me to plan time with my friends and family whilst I'm here even if I don't feel 100% like doing it.  Hate being N/C ditch him ATM but I know it's the best I can do. Doesn't stop me hurting or worrying though 


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 05, 2013, 03:30:38 PM
Arabella I hope your situation is ok at the moment and is getting better. 

3 weeks seems like an awful long time at the moment. I guess Ill just take the job and focus on me for a while but I find that hard to do at times.

Thanks, blackorchid! My situation is one of those things that I know I'm in for a long haul. My particular 'crisis' is on-going and started in January, so I know what you mean about it being really hard to focus while you're in limbo.

3 weeks IS an awfully long time! I mean, sure, in the grand scheme of things, it's a drop in the bucket. But when you're actually living it? It's forever. You're doing the right things by focusing on yourself and keeping your own 'stuff' in order. Unfortunately there's just not much else to do. At least if you're sorted you'll have less to worry about down the road. Not much comfort right now, I know, but at least it's something.


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 05, 2013, 04:35:43 PM
If I think 3 weeks is a long time that's nothing to what you're dealing with Arabella. I hope you're feeling a lot better than what I am


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 05, 2013, 07:09:25 PM
Well, to be fair, I'm not NC - that makes a HUGE difference! And the first few weeks are always the worst, so I don't envy you the spot you're in right now. I hope he comes around soon and you can get back to your life on a more even keel. I'll tell you what I keep telling myself - just keep hanging on!


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 06, 2013, 03:49:57 AM
yeah it definitely does! thank you ill keep telling myself that


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 06, 2013, 04:15:43 AM
see but Im still holding onto the belief that he is going to come round and come back to me... .


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 06, 2013, 06:53:07 AM
having a bit of a bad day today and any advise would be welcome.  feeling really upset by the N/C today my friend suggested a send a short message to him... . do you think that would help the situation or just make things worse.  I know the answer is probably on here somewhere but havent got the energy today to sift all through it.  Think knowing that Ill be flying back soon is making it worse as Ill be entering our empty apartment.  I feel sick with worrying about him and just want this to be over already   :'( :'( :'(


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: Rusalka on July 06, 2013, 10:05:36 AM
having a bit of a bad day today and any advise would be welcome.  feeling really upset by the N/C today my friend suggested a send a short message to him... . do you think that would help the situation or just make things worse.  I know the answer is probably on here somewhere but havent got the energy today to sift all through it.  Think knowing that Ill be flying back soon is making it worse as Ill be entering our empty apartment.  I feel sick with worrying about him and just want this to be over already   :'( :'( :'(

I can only speak from my experience (with trying to go LC/NC with my BPDmom) and from readings lots and lots of messages on here. If you send him a message, prepare to have your feelings stomped on as he will most likely use it as a chance to completely blame you and shame you into your actions and tell you his leaving was all your fault. I have seen it again, and again, and AGAIN on this board and everytime people say they feel like they are back at square one with their emotions.

Do what is best for you. It really does not seem as though people get closure at all from their exBPDs until they find peace within themselves.

edit: just as an addon, your friend's advice would make sense if you were dealing with a normal, rational person, which you are not and you said it yourself that your friends don't understand BPD. So your friend's advice is not bad, just understand that the person you would send it to will not react in a way you would expect from even a normal ex.


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 06, 2013, 11:39:56 PM
The advice for that sort of thing really depends on where your mind is at. If you send a message you have to be prepared, and be okay with, receiving a nasty answer (or no answer at all). If it makes YOU feel better to send it - then do it. This stuff is HARD and you should do what you need in order to maintain your own health. The important thing to remember is that you need to let go of the outcome - he's obviously dysregulated so, if a bad response is going to make things worse for YOU then just don't send a message at all.

Aside from the above warning... . Quite a few people here have found it helpful to send little 'pings' to their LC pwBPD. It just lets them know we're still around, still care, etc. Again, no expectation as to response, but leaving that communication door open for the pwBPD can be good.


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 07, 2013, 04:33:13 AM
thanks guys sent a message but have heard nothing back... .


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 07, 2013, 10:43:32 AM
keep us posted! Hoping you hear back (with a positive message) soon! :)


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 07, 2013, 04:58:50 PM
thank you.  it real;y does help doesnt it knowing that people on here care.  Still havent heard anything from him.  heard through a friend though that his talks with his old boss went well on tuesday and that he has resigned to the old team.  Dont know how i feel about that though... . guess it means when i fly back he has no reason to come to the city. He will be about 35 min drive away in the other town.

hope things are going much better with you


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 07, 2013, 10:10:21 PM
That's what we're here for - to support each other!  And thank goodness for that, I think I'd have lost every last marble by now if it wasn't for the lovely people I found here.

Job changes you say? Hmm... . Was this something he was worrying about before he flipped into a rage? Just curious because I know that my H is very triggered by any sort of job instability. I'm wondering if having things settled at work might help him to recalibrate and calm down - what do you think?

How do you feel about his new job situation? You said it was in another town, but also that he was there before - was this how things were for you two previously?

Things over here are, I hesitate to say, possibly a little more positive (I'm always looking for that second shoe that is perpetually hovering over my head). It was a pretty good weekend though, so I'm grateful for that. The stuff I've learned on these boards helped immensely!


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 08, 2013, 04:41:15 AM
  Glad to hear that you had a nice weekend.

I think that all the uncertainty of everything definitely contributed towards it but not sure what to do moving forward.  He left his team in January which was in a completely different city (4 hours away)and we have lived together permanently  since then.  Previous to that from August we were seeing each other at the weekends. Which wasn't ideal.  This is his team from the previous year which is a lot closer.  I think that I realised last year that he cannot cope with the pressure of this type of things.  I kept saying that I'm pretty sure I'll be staying at my school but they took 2 months to tell me what pay rise I would receive.  He said that was unacceptable and he couldn't wait any longer which led him to saying his leaving. He wouldn't listen when I said I will know 2 days later when I have the meeting with the schools owners.  When I think about it I can see all the little signs building up.  But as I said I have had an awful 3 months and just couldn't think about the things I should be following. 

I think going through personal things its really hard being with someone like this.  I want him to be supporting me and not be being careful not to step on his toes.

I feel a bit rubbish finding out about it as this is what we have wanted for months.  If he plays there he is close to me. He can come home on his days offs. I can go to the matches on my days off and he can pop home in the week as its driveable.  Plus now Ive had the pay rise I wanted we can get the apartments we've been thinking off for months. But now I dont even know if that will happen. Technically we should be really happy now but instead we're not even communicating   


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 08, 2013, 04:54:40 PM
Is it crazy that your post all makes sense to me? I think I may have spent too much time around pwBPD! lol

My H is exactly like this. He can not handle uncertainty. And if the uncertainty has been ongoing and a decision is now imminent? Panic. He dysregulates. I think it causes emotional overload. Then it takes a few weeks for him to come back down off the ledge he's built himself. In the meantime, I'm miserable and trying to figure out what I could have done differently. Answer? Nothing. It's not me, it's him.

For example, I've been unemployed for quite awhile now. Not my fault, and it was okay at first, but it put a strain on things. H, at the height of his dysregulation this spring, could speak of nothing else but how I needed a job and how I had put him in an awful position by not working. So I busted my tail and chased a particular job for months (kept applying to others as well). Finally, just a few weeks ago, it paid off and I got a job offer! Woohoo, right? No. He dysregulated. Now he's improved to just not caring about it. I start next week. We should be celebrating. We should be happy. But no. I reminded him this week that I needed the car for work next week. He forgot I was starting work.

So, I hear ya. You can't win for trying. Good news is that it sounds like his dysregulation had a distinct cause and that is now resolved. It'll take time, but I am betting that once it sinks in and he realizes things are okay, he'll just slowly revert back to 'normal' and you'll be left wondering what the heck just happened. In the meantime... . it totally sucks.

Keep hanging on!  


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 08, 2013, 05:33:35 PM
At least between the 2 of us we understand each others situation.  Hate that we should both be celebrating but instead we are stressing and worrying and upset

not sure if this was him tonight but hes brother messaged me on facebook asking if i was in england and if im just not coming back.  thing is ive spoke to him on the phone and he knows where i am so can help but wonder if it was my boyf and why hes doing that for 

i hope that your H comes round and that you sort things out.  Youre amazing for waiting for him for so long


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 08, 2013, 08:41:43 PM
The facebook thing is indeed odd. It could very well be your bf. As much as we tell them we are coming back, the nature of the disorder is that they feel abandoned - and for them, feelings = facts. So you are gone right now and he is likely panicking that, because he fought with you, you're never coming back. You've left him. (All subconscious, of course.) That's my theory. Not that it matters, because no matter what's going on the reality is that you are going back and you have a job lined up there. Guessing that he's just seeking reassurance.

I hope my H comes round too! And thanks for thinking of me in the midst of your own crisis!  Now if only he'd realize how awesome I am... . lol


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 09, 2013, 01:36:37 AM
i hope he realizes sooner than later... .

last night he actually did come on facebook... . asked if ive signed the contract  said have agreed will sign when im back.  he said if im coming back just for him dont come were over etc then told me to delete any photos of us together from my page.  just brilliant when im flying back today


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 10, 2013, 05:36:45 AM
ok so im back now... . not sure what the best thing to do now is... . do i tell him İm back or not? if he finds out through other people will that make the situation worse?  feels pretty misreable being back in the appartment alone.


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 10, 2013, 01:01:16 PM
Good grief. What a giant doorknob he's being! Let me put it to you this way - if he was really over you and moved on, he wouldn't give a crap about contacting you to tell you to delete pictures. Ridiculous.

I'd send the briefest of messages (text or FB or whatever is usual between the two of you) to let him know you're back. Stick to the facts. All of that other stuff? Don't take the bait. Just the fact that you actually came back will be reassuring (if that's what he's looking for). Then sit back and see what you get (it might take awhile). Remember, you said yourself that it's taken him 3 weeks in the past - and it hasn't been nearly that long yet. Sorry that you're stuck playing the waiting game - it really bites.


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 10, 2013, 01:19:16 PM
yep it really does.  I think its going to be a long couple of weeks made harder by being home and now being here... .

That makes sense about the pictures.  I think he is always looking for a reaction of one kind or another.  And I shouldnt take the bait as that will probably just escalate him further... .

I facebooked him as that was where he last contacted me and just stated that Im back.  I just hope that was the right thing to do.   I guess Ive just got to find things to do to occupy me now which Im starting to think will be harder as this isnt my country and so have less people to count on to meet up and stuff... .


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 10, 2013, 01:26:20 PM
I think you've pretty much nailed it, blackorchid. Don't start second-guessing yourself, you'll drive yourself mad (I would know) and, fact is, nothing is the 'right thing' when it comes to dealing with a major episode of dysregulation!  You took the most reasonable course of action, so that's what counts.

So now to take care of you. Any new hobbies you always wanted to try? Seriously, I'd love a list of ideas because I'm running out of ways to distract myself here too. Everyone's away for summer holidays and I'm trying to pretend I'm having a good time... .


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 10, 2013, 01:43:31 PM
Its the same here with summer holidays... .  

Hes replied almost straight away saying 'what am I supposed to do?' referring to me being back.  I said I just thought I should let you know.  He has replied that he doesnt care.  I havent responded... .  

Hobbies hmmm I need to start running again or pilates havent done it for a few months... . used to enjoy painting could maybe try that... . seriously need to think along the hobbies line İm at a blank... .


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: allibaba on July 10, 2013, 02:35:00 PM
So glad to be reading this stuff (sorry guys)... . makes me feel at home. 

lol Been over in the undecided forum and the legal forum looking for some answers since my husband blew an emotional gasket a few weeks ago... .   just didn't fit.

but unconditional acceptance and patience feel right whereas me preparing for the battle of my life (what the few friends and family that know want me to do) feels wrong.

I think that I am going to go back to being peaceful and taking care of myself and my dogs and son for a few days... . and going to stop worrying about the future :)  Thanks for putting me back in a peaceful place.


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 10, 2013, 03:00:01 PM
its always hard talking to friends and family .  mine always feel that Im making excuses and that BPD just doesnt exist. I hope things get better for you


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: allibaba on July 10, 2013, 03:50:23 PM
They don't get it.  They just believe that it is a standard stereotypical domestic abuse situation.  I can clearly see the mental illness in the behavior.


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 10, 2013, 03:53:40 PM
me too but unless you live with them its hard to see it


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 11, 2013, 01:06:52 PM
but unconditional acceptance and patience feel right whereas me preparing for the battle of my life (what the few friends and family that know want me to do) feels wrong.

Nice to see you here again allibaba!  I was talking to a lovely woman last night who gave me some advice, I think it's solid, so I'm passing it along here: don't fight yourself. Don't push and pull and struggle to be in a place that you aren't ready for. When the time is right, you will know and, if the time isn't right, all of the struggle in the world will only bring you more hurt. This is the theory I am going with (and what worked for me last time too) - just letting go and waiting to get to the place I need to be, one way or the other.

its always hard talking to friends and family. mine always feel that Im making excuses ... .

This ^. I've seen the same thing mentioned over and over again on the threads here. People don't understand. It's so isolating and it just makes everything harder for us. So I spend a lot of time on here, reassuring myself that I'm not the only one, and looking for support from people who 'get it.' So thanks for being here guys!

As for hobbies, well... . Part of my problem is that I used to do a lot of them with my H. So that's kind of depressing. Ugh. Trying to reclaim my space though. Anyway, here's what I've been doing (maybe something will inspire you - and please add to the list if you can!):

- running

- yoga

- standup paddleboard yoga (SO fun!)

- reading

- pulled out my old paints but I need to buy supplies, some of my tubes got air in them (grr)

- fanatical cleaning of apartment

- self-beautification (if I feel terrible, I might as well at least look good, right? bought fancy shampoo, lotion, nail polish, found a great coupon for laser hair removal, bought cute new underwear, etc)

- baking

- picked up a new part-time job

- started going to CoDA meetings

- found discounted rate plans for calling long distance friends (they aren't here to see the mess, so they are actually more sympathetic and patient)

These next few weeks are going to be a real trial for me though. I'm hoping to find more stuff to do! I desperately need to keep myself calm in order not to make things worse - H is dysregulating at the drop of a hat and it's only going to get worse before it gets better.

Still holding on... .


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: allibaba on July 11, 2013, 02:05:58 PM
I love your list arabella.

I just got back from the shrink who told me that he actually believes that I have an excellent plan to deal with my situation and that if I had followed the uneducated advise of those around me that I would actually be in far worse a situation and that there would be little hope of getting to where I want to get to.

How about that for self-assurance!  This guy is considered an expert on BPD/NPD/PTSD... .  

Moral of the story is that sometimes you do have to follow your heart and not your head!


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 11, 2013, 04:02:35 PM
Alibaba what is your plan? maybe it can help me... . strange you said your last sentance as  the last piece of advice I got today from a friend was to follow my head and not my heart... .

arabella I love your list of hobbies and thank you.  your messsages always make sense to me |iiii



Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 11, 2013, 08:37:13 PM
I'd like to hear your plan too, allibaba, if you're willing to share! Actually, I haven't been able to find a BPD specialist in my area (that I can afford) so I'd love to know if you got any insight or tips or, well, anything that maybe the rest of us could sponge off... . :)

blackorchid - well, at least I make sense to somebody! lol Frankly, I don't know whether I'm coming or going half the time anymore. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I'm even stringing my sentences together properly (you may notice a lot of 'edit' notes on my posts - haha).

It makes sense to me to mostly follow one's heart. Your heart can convince your head, but it's very rare that your head can convince your heart. Just go with whichever one wins the current debate. If your head ever wins, you'll know it's time to let go.


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: allibaba on July 12, 2013, 04:46:14 AM
Oh sheesh, the plan... . that would mean that I am probably hijacking your post... . but here's part of my recent story:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0)

In a nutshell, I started enforcing boundaries, separating my stuff from his stuff and essentially finding a healthier life for myself and my son.  Started out great... . limited a lot of our issues... . got closer than ever... . then external stress hit (he's intelligent and well educated and when we relocated to canada started selecting seasonal jobs that were well below his talents... . now he's once again realized that his job cutting grass at a golf course isn't going to fulfill his needs = DUH) and all hell broke lose.  

So as I was enforcing boundaries he became very nasty (felt like I wasn't listening to him).  I believe that things escalated because I had inadvertently taken a very black and white stance on boundary enforcement.  

Those around me in the real world said ENOUGH!  If he doesn't get help then be done and move on!  Problem is that that isn't where my heart is.  Maybe that is the right answer for some but not me and not today.

I shared with the therapist that I believe for him to get help, he needs to be at least at a baseline (medicated for extreme anxiety and working a job that is consistent with his abilities).  Based on his personality and the BPD/NPD/OCD/PTSD mix if I left him today -- he'd just find someone else to suck onto and start the cycle all over -- never getting the help that he needs.  His brother and I know him best and we came to this conclusion together.

1.  I spoke to him about the fact that I hear him that this job isn't going to work for him.  Now what are we going to do about it?  Agreed to apply for jobs and I agreed to help him look, help him submit resumes/ cover letters.

2.  He absolutely needs to be medicated for the anxiety/ aggression.  There is a clear physical issue that is handicapping him.  I got the name of a psychiatrist, have spoken with our family doctor, and have a referral ready.  He is a good friend of the therapist (a psychologist).  I also have the names of three proposed medications on hand... . one has none of the sexual dysfunction sides effects that would make my husband insane (or at least more insane than he already is lol).  My husband will shortly have an appt with our family doctor and I am going to have her bring up the anxiety with him (already having been briefed by me).  I suspect that the floodgates will open - he's very emotional and really struggling and I bet she can convince him that there is a better way to live.  Manipulative I know, but I have tried and failed at all direct routes.

3.  Once he is back on stable ground (yes I realize that this is probably a long shot but gotta try), get him into DBT therapy with the therapist under the guise of PTSD/ or relationship counselling.  The guy is absolutely considered a specialist and he assures me that he has had significant success.

4.  Work on my communication skills with my husband.  He still feels like I don't hear him/ care about him.  Next time things escalate - don't take such a hard stance.  It didn't do any good and he kept upping the ante on me.  I managed to stop the cycle on this last round by simply saying "stop treating me like this.  I don't deserve it."  It acknowledged that I was in pain from the things that he was going and didn't threaten him.

5.  I have already met with a lawyer/ got a separate bank account/ removed overdraft from our joint account so that if he completely flips a NUT I am prepared.  I now understand the local laws and my rights.  I also spoke to the police and have a contact who is prepared to come out here if hubby gets out of control with the sole intended purpose of calming him down.

And that ladies is "the plan."


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: allibaba on July 12, 2013, 05:01:12 AM
I was going to put step 6 as VODKA... . LOTS OF VODKA  lol

but then I realized that someone might think I was serious.  For the record, I don't actually have any vodka! 

But step 6 is TAKE CARE OF SELF.  Regardless of whether my relationship makes it through this horrible, rocky period... . I need to be there for myself... . have lots of plans with friends and family... . keep the house clean and tidy... . cook lots of good meals... . do lots of fun stuff with my little boy.


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 12, 2013, 08:42:49 AM
read  your post alibaba... . so strange thats what he threatened too: to throw our dog out on the street or to me is find a new owner for her.  She to me is also like family and with all the bereavements ive had in the past few years I lost my cool and here I am on my own with her and he walked out.

I would love to be able to speak to a therapist but they dont speak English so thats out. Guess everyone on here is doing that for me atm    Your plan is well thought out and I will definetely use the ideas in it thank you so much |iiii 

I just keep having this sinking feeling that hes not coming back and its eating me up.  So pathetic now that everytime my phone or doorbell goes Im hoping its him  :'(


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: allibaba on July 12, 2013, 09:00:14 AM
Blackorchid,

Its my understanding that BPDs only run permanently if they feel like the relationship is over OR if you totally smother then with codependent attention.  Somewhere in between and they will usually come back.  Have you considered getting a therapist willing to do telephone counselling/ skype counselling?  Its my understanding that that is becoming more popular!  We're good sounding boards but there is nothing like a good therapy session to hash things out.  :)


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 12, 2013, 11:24:19 AM
I was going to put step 6 as VODKA... . LOTS OF VODKA  lol

Omg - SO many times I've wanted to just say, "have a drink"! lol But then I thought, no, that's probably not appropriate, someone might not think it was funny (especially if they are coping with alcohol abuse issues). But, dude, sometimes I'm just like, "eff it. I can't win. I'm self-soothing with beer." lol

I like your plan, allibaba! Really well thought out, very organized, very constructive. |iiii Now I just need to get my H into a space where he wants things to work out with me.

blackorchid - oh, sweetie, I KNOW!   I have been there. It's so so awful! And even if logically you know that you'll hear from him again, even if everyone tells you he'll be back, there's still that horrible gut-twisting raw feeling that he might be gone forever. And, of course, that's all you can focus on.  I'm going through my own version of that kind of obsessing (don't worry, I won't hijack your thread! lol ) Just keep reminding yourself that he's come back before, that he wouldn't keep talking to you if it were really over, etc. It sounds as though he's running out of steam from what you've said thus far... . Keep posting and we'll keep supporting each other!

p.s. My H left me with our furry adoptee too. So weird - I know he loves her, they were really bonded... . I actually take their leaving the pets as a good sign - it means it's not all about us. Obviously there's a bigger problem, with them, if they are willing to abandon the pets, right?


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 12, 2013, 11:37:40 AM
thats a good point about the pets especially as she listens to him more than me... . at least we've got our pets to keep us occupied I find a long walk helps clear my head.  I really hope your situation with your H works out.  He is lucky to have you.


Alibaba thats a good idea about the telephone/skype therapy I'll look into it thank you


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: allibaba on July 12, 2013, 11:42:20 AM
I know a counselor who was actually getting a degree in telephone/ skype therapy.  Private message me if you me want me to look into what resources she can find!  Her experience with BPD isn't really that strong but she may know someone.


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: allibaba on July 12, 2013, 11:53:16 AM
Thanks for the laugh humor Arabella... . no, we don't have any alcohol abuse issues in this house (thank God)... . so yes I can joke about that when others might now appreciate it :)


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: casey1099 on July 12, 2013, 02:45:22 PM
This cycle is so hard! At least one comfort is people on this board understanding what you are going through. There are days I find myself doing so well in handling a mentally ill partner - I say and do everything they say in dbt etc etc... . and the rages lessen, the escalation doesnt happen.

Then, after days and days of her pushing me, testing me... . I blow. Today I blew, reacted, didn't follow the script... . and a full scale episode has ensued. I am am sure there will be a break up, a moving out... . we are out of town, so she will call a taxi to the airport. And again... . I am left wondering; is this worth it? All the incredible good stuff when they are lucid and loving... . but the devastation and chaos when disregulated. Even though I KNOW what to do and can try and be better at it... . is it worth it?

Again, what I certainly have learned is to take of yourself... . and this board is a godsend.


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 12, 2013, 03:35:19 PM
Hi casey1099 this board is definetely a godsend.   I hope youre not too far out of town as being away is making it really hard the past few days since I returned.  I hope that your situation goes better than mine N/C is killing me atm


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 13, 2013, 04:05:29 PM
hmm first contact from him for a few days saying he thought I understood him 


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 13, 2013, 11:11:20 PM
hmm first contact from him for a few days saying he thought I understood him 

Yup. That would be the beginning of the turnaround. Sort of testing the waters... . checking to see if you'll reject him, or if you're angry, or if you'll still answer. It's really weird and seems to make no sense - random messages out of the blue. Just take it slow but be sure to let him know you're still around. It's a balance between letting them know you still want them without triggering the enmeshment fears or overwhelming them and sending them scurrying back to their hiding spot. (It's totally ridiculous that I have this plotted out, isn't it?)


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 14, 2013, 12:34:28 AM
no its not ridiculous it just shows that you've unfortunetely been there before. I messaged him back.  No response yet.


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: allibaba on July 14, 2013, 07:10:05 AM
I recognize the behavior too.  That is exactly what my husband does!  Unfortunately I believe that my husband and I are at the end of our road... . and I believe that its time for me to step away   I'll post separately.  The good news is that I have a plan and it doesn't depend on him.  :)


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 15, 2013, 03:04:25 PM
ok hes been in touch again.  He said he was about to get ready to drive back to our house when he got a phonecall from his new team and he is now in pre-season camp for a month.  If he gets a few days off he will come see me. 

Today he has been messaging me all day as though things were normal and nothing happened.  He does seem to have a slight warped version of events that were the cause of his moving out... . me not agreeing to moving to his parents house and putting our dog ahead of him, plus me waiting till the last day (?) to look for an apartment.  He has no recolation (or so he claims) of eg showing me a photo of a girl he claimed to have met the night before he packed and left.  He said she was his new girf.

what is the best thing ı can do now... . answer normally and have a serious talk when ı see him or talk about bounderies etc over the phone.

Alibaba I hope that you are doing ok. Sending lots of   and 


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: arabella on July 15, 2013, 08:17:11 PM
 

Okay, had to get that out of my system. Sorry. lol

I wouldn't attempt that sort of conversation over the phone. Too easy to mishear, misread tone, misunderstand, etc. At least in person you'll be able to read him and adjust on the fly.

From what you described before, it sounds like he dissociated. So it's entirely possible that he really doesn't remember things (either they're twisted and/or he's forgotten some of it altogether). Tricky. Because you won't be able to convince him that your version is correct. He fully believes his reality. You will have to deal with that. For example, if he believes you did something to upset him - you can still set a boundary using those 'facts'. i.e. Let him know that it is not okay to just leave you high and dry just because he's upset or there has been a 'misunderstanding'. You might want to sift through some options on here (maybe a new thread?) before you try to tackle things with him.


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 16, 2013, 02:05:54 AM
good idea about the boundary arabella thank you 


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: allibaba on July 16, 2013, 09:16:28 AM
Hi blackorchid,

From my experience the only way to stay sane in these relationships is to take care of yourself and find a way to be less enmeshed.  What are activities that you love?  :)o you have friends around?  I know that you relocated to be with your BPD.  What are the little things in life that can keep you calm and happy when he's not there.

Obviously I am a little too good at this because I have stayed with a husband who treats me badly at times and I can still find sanity so maybe I am not the best person to ask lol... .

Sending you all the hugs in the world and will ask around about the skype/ phone therapist today (as promised).

            

I never cut off contact from my husband completely so I find that a loving message (whether well received or not) is worth its weight in gold... . again I may not be the best person to ask because my relationship perpetuates despite the fact that my uBPDh needs treatment.  Then again, I also do not accept the abuse anymore... . so that's something at least :)


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: blackorchid on July 16, 2013, 03:00:52 PM
Thank you Alibaba.  Ive actually realised today that I have more friends here than I realised which has made me feel a lot more confident going forward.  Thank you for your message and for all your help you have been a Godsend  


Title: Re: he flipped into a rage and has taken everything and left
Post by: briefcase on July 18, 2013, 01:51:57 PM
*mod*

We've reached our four page limit on this topic.  Feel free to start a new topic to continue the discussion.