BPDFamily.com

With a normal breakup it is no problem exhanging items.  This BPD experience is just an exercise in 'what the heck just happened?' 

She left stuff behind on purpose.  Harassed me for months insisting that this was mising or that etc etc.  When it became clear i was not going to engage in any drama she initiated NC.  That was fine by me until i needed some family photos for a gift.  Called the ex to ask if she had them.  She said yes and said that they would be mailed.  But a year of NC and nothing returned.

Swallowed my pride and emailed the exBPD to ask again for her to return my portable hard drive and flash drives with all of my pictures (originals gone with hard drive crash).  Did not know that she took them until after she was gone.  Not one peep of a response and nothing in the mail.  Refuse to ask again as it probably feeds some BPD process i do not want to be part of.

Do they always keep your stuff?  It is like they are holding items you value hostage.  Hopefully she didn't just toss them or overwrite them, she is a vinidictive little creature after all.

Just frustrated and wanting to know if anyone can offer a solution?

Anyone have success in getting their items returne?  And how?

stuff is another way to stay connected - and have a false sense of control.

I don't know anyone who has truly moved on that didn't have some version of this game.

Buy new stuff - it is way easier and cheaper than talking about material stuff in therapy - lol

In all seriousness, it is irritating, but you can just let go.

maraki Im in the same shape. She original contact about us reutrung each others property at first i told her I didnt wnat what she had of mine. When I returned her stuff she told me she would be getting my stuff back to me anyway. That was the last I heard about my stuff. oh she still text me everyday asking how im doing. I some otherthing but nothing about my property ever comes up.

Mine said when do you want to pick up your stuff 

Mine kept several things, material stuff that is inconsequential to me, but stuff that I would not keep if it belonged to someone else.  I believe they do it so they can still feel connected to us on some level or to remember the good times we had while doing things or think back to how much we loved them at one point, or to just remember that we existed and were real-since they move on to the next one at lightning speed, anyway just my two cents. 

Control.

I left my phone in the house after I moved myself and the kids out. She still has it and is paying the bill to keep it on. I asked her a few times for it back, told her I would go to the store and split the bill off into my name so she wouldn't have to pay the $70 a month for my phone. She refused. A couple weekends ago she got drunk and started calling people who had called my phone, telling them off that it wasn't my phone any more and they need to stop calling it.

I have been perplexed why she wants to keep it. The only thing I can come up with is it gives some feeling of control over me.

It seems like they keep things as a pick me up. I don't know if It's sentimental reasoning. I know my ex still has all the cards and notes I have ever given him. Then again maybe he's just too lazy to throw them out.

On a side note, he does have recollection of the things he has left at my place and has mentioned them... . ie, his toiletries which he suggested I use when I had said I was running low on shampoo. I had completely forgotten about his toiletries and personal items we used to share. After the breakup I put his stuff and things we shared away from my sight.

"Stuff" seems to be a recurring issue in these r/s... . and it isn't always the same. But whatever the "stuff" issues are, it ALWAYS seems to be more difficult than regular r/s.

• Some of our exes keep our stuff and hold it hostage.



• Some of our exes destroy our stuff right away or dispose of it.



• Some of our exes keep things to remember us by.



• Some of our exes don't want a single memory of us.



• Some of our exes nag us incessantly to get their stuff back, rather than walking.



• Some of our exes refuse to meet us to pick up their stuff.

We often fault them no matter what their actions are.

I was not one to walk away from my belongings because I am just that stubborn. I had to take him to court to get my stuff back during the divorce- and mind you, we are talking less than $200 worth of items. A few T-shirts, some books, my lingerie, some knick knacks... . but dang it, they were mine, and I certainly didn't think I was going to get kicked to the curb overnight. Was I childish? Was I clingy? Is this behavior looked down upon on these boards? Probably.

Him? Same thing. I was storing a few boxes of his items at my house (his request) and also months worth of mail. He refused. He's like "No, just throw it away... . " I'm like, "but Dude, it's your MAIL that you won't come and get... . "  We live less than a mile from each other. We could have even just dropped our stuff on each other's porches.  It drove me nuts, because I was trying to do the "right" thing.

My ex ripped up all of the cards,notes and letters I had sent him  as he was "in a strop" as he put it following a minor disagreement we had .In respect of the books that I had given him ,he tore out the pages where I had written something on " happy birthday" etc as he said I had hurt him so much by disagreeing with him (?) but kept the books.he also  kept the things that i had given him that were of practical use to him. He told me that he had thrown out the other things.When he moved out he took some furniture that was mine (expensive items  that my parents had bought for me before we moved in together).He had no need for it and when I asked if he could return them he accused me of "using the furniture against him"  and now simply refuses to respond to my requests.

Well thanks all for the insight.  Seems they do keep our items hostage for various reasons.

You know the valuables she took like an ipod, jewelry, laptop, etc. are material and can be replaced.  Could probably get those actual items back if i knew which pawn shops she goes to (her favorite source of income is to pawn items).

But it is the sentimental value of the photos and videos that are the issue.  Should have kept better track of the backup drives that is for sure.  As much as those files are needed and missed i cannot see her face to face or contact her again.  All that she really wants imho is to parade her new soul-mate (ha! she changes them like changing socks) around in front of me using the photos and videos as bait. 

Between a rock a hard place.  Guess the only real option is to just move on.  Hopefully at some point she will call with the usual 'woe is me i am alone again' bs and ask for the drives back as a show of good faith then go NC. 

A lot of new "faces" on here so I'm not sure if anyone knows my story -- I haven't posted on here in ages but felt compelled to chime in on this thread. It's been 8 months since my ex dumped me out of no where leaving me literally homeless and in a hotel. She immediately cut me out of her life in absolutely every way shape and form and I never heard a single word from her again... . ever.

When she kicked me out of her place I did leave a few items behind that I forgot to grab in the sheer confusion and haste to get out of there. Most of the things I left I don't care about and she can have them for all I care. However, I did make a huge mistake of leaving a artificial Christmas tree stored away in her crawlspace. The Christmas tree was my mothers who I lost to cancer 9 years ago. It's one of the very few items of hers I have left. I tried several times via text to get it back, gave her every option in the world... . put it out on your porch, drop it off on mine, heck... . I even told her she could put it out on the road. She kept saying she would return it on the weekend. That went on for a couple of weeks until I never heard from her again. That Christmas tree obviously meant a great deal to me. The sentimental value is hard for me to put in words. The fact that she didn't return it knowing damn well the story behind it has to be by far the lowest and down right cruelest thing anyone has ever done to me. It's disgusting, appalling and just pure evil. I can not for the life of me understand why on earth she would be keeping it.

Anyways, that's my story on this topic. It hurts man... . It hurts.

Hi Maraki!

I think Seeking Balance hits the nail on the head here! Connection and control is the motivation, and there's not a darn thing you can do about it. If you bite, and pursue your stuff, right as you may be, you cannot detach and move on, and the pwBPD knows it.

Make peace with the loss of your stuff. Yep, it's hard, it sucks, it's unfair. Been there, done that. Making peace with all of the above will result in power for you, I guarantee it! You will feel a sense of control that you didn't have in the relationship, and it's yet another step in your recovery!

I smile when I think of the stuff I lost. exH thinks he got one over on me. Really?

Best Wishes,

Val78

Yes, unfortunately I think we have to add some "stuff" to our list of losses from these relationships. I know pictures would be hard to give up, but sometimes it's just not worth our energy in the long run.

Agreed.  Cut the losses.  The stress and drama involved with reclaiming the items isn't worth their cost. Giving up on regathering personal effects and also forgiving $1000 in personal loans was a big step that seemed to make things easier for me.

As wronged about those things as I felt, there was peace to be found in the fact that I could let it go. And she could no longer hold that stuff "hostage".   Funny thing is that after a year of trying to get thing back; I just gave up.  And when I notified her about forgiving her of the loans and no longer requiring my stuff to be returned, she left a box at my front door with the majority of my things in it.  Then a few weeks later she was reaching out to reconnect.

In a way, I think that can be attributed to her losing control over that situation.

I refer to my ex as Golum because he won't even send any of our children's stuff. It's just a control thing, they don't care in any sense that normal people do... . it's like a button to keep smacking for attention. Forget your stuff and start over, even family heirlooms, you just gotta walk away and say 'eff it' - better that then giving your BPD a meathook to tug.

Why?  So that they can contact us and tell us they found it.  After a week of NC (from me, she's been texing and emailing all sorts of angry crap) I just replied to mine not five minutes ago because she messaged me asking if I had a couple of her things that she may have left at the house.  I told her I would check.  She asked if she still had anything of mine, and I told her yes, but I wasn't worried about any of it and to keep or discard whatever she found.  So now I have to message her again when I get home letting her know if I have the stuff she thinks she left here.  If I do it's going in a box that I'll leave on the porch.  And then hopefully I can go back to ignoring her attempts to recycle/re-engage me. 

I know I could have ignored this message as well, but I know my ex well enough to know that if she has what she thinks is a valid excuse (like desperately needing something I have of hers) then she will continue to escalate until the situation is resolved.  I'd much rather reply with short answers and maybe leave a box out for her than deal with her possibly showing up at my work or harassing my roommate because she's feels justified. 

Good lord, the boundary pushing!  After I posted (a few minutes ago) I got another message from her asking if I still had the sex swing I'd bought her for her birthday when we were still together.  I almost responded with, "Seriously?" but then decided to just not respond at all, because ignoring her when she busts boundaries seems to be the most effective way of dealing.  After a minute she messaged me again saying to forget she'd asked because it would probably be kinda inappropriate to use it with someone else... .   You think?  Like I'm keeping any of that stuff around?  Jesus!   You respond to one message about a crock pot and they think they can ask you to deliver old sex toys.  That's just... . Weird.

Oh well, back to ignoring until I send a one sentence message letting her know if I found the non-inappropriate things she asked about. 

You should reply and tell her, "yeah I have it, I have been using it every night with my new girl. So no, you can't have it back."

Papa I literally giggled at that and couldnt agree more with you at the moment.

as for our stuff, it is about connection and control like sb said. I am experiencing that even as I type. After initiating NC, I have been bombarded with messages but will not reply. Well, I got the inevitable, " I have some things of yours and i am going to bring them to you" I still didnt reply. Well,  they were returned alright. Destroyed and with threats abounding in the box, but i got it all back and then some.

It was his way of attempting to manipulate me intimidate me get revenge and regain control. I still havent responded and wont. 

The "cut your losses" advice is best. Either way, getting your things or not will only create a drama for them to play into. They feed off of it and us. Its just stuff. We are worth more!