Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: Bananas on July 23, 2013, 10:12:50 PM

Title: Found out that he was married
Post by: Bananas on July 23, 2013, 10:12:50 PM
I thought I was doing well, moving along in my healing.  Today I found out from a friend that he was married.  The "breakup" (there really wasn't a conversation, just some emails and texts after I found out from a mutual friend that he was moving in with another woman) was in March and he was married in May.  I spent most of the day hiding in my office and crying.  Have not cried for awhile!  I didn't think it would bother me this much.   :'(

The only thing that is good I suppose is that I have absolutely no desire to have any contact with him.  But I will run into him sooner or later as we work together.  Ugh!  

Title: Re: Awful Day : (
Post by: Clearmind on July 23, 2013, 10:19:44 PM
Hugs Bananas - crying is a healthy way to self soothe - let it go. Its hard news to come to grips with.

The same cycle will repeat itself and while it doesn't feel great now - this girl has some learning in her future. Marriage does not fix things - it exacerbates them - her issues and his.

If you see him at work - don't make eye contact - this depersonalizes contact and you may feel more protected.

Title: Re: Awful Day : (
Post by: Bananas on July 23, 2013, 11:24:46 PM
Thank you Clearmind, I always value your advice.  You have helped me more than you will ever know.  I actually feel a lot better already. 

Title: Re: Awful Day : (
Post by: cska on July 23, 2013, 11:54:07 PM
Hey bananas I'm so sorry  

Finding out things like that is excruciatingly painful, I know... . Please hang in there, I'm sending you strength and hugs! Its good that you have no desire to contact him, that means you're giving yourself a chance to eventually heal.

In my experience, when I would find out that my ex is getting with other people, I always try to be around people to whom I can pour my heart out: friends or family. It always helps me to talk to understanding people about my pain. I wouldn't have made it otherwise. Are there people that you spend time with and talk about your pain?

Hang in there bananas!

Title: Re: Awful Day : (
Post by: Bananas on July 24, 2013, 12:20:44 AM
Thank you cska! 

Well I have this Board, which is the most understanding group of "strangers" that I love dearly! And I have my T.  But I do have one great friend that seems to understand.  The others don't get it.  I made plans to go out with her on Friday.  She is amazing, I can cry with her but she is also really funny so I am sure to laugh too.

The support means a lot!  just knowing others have made it through reminds me there is light at the end of the tunnel.  So Bananas will stay strong!

Title: Re: Awful Day : (
Post by: Theo41 on July 24, 2013, 01:46:19 AM
Bananas, if I aM correct in assuming he exhibited symptoms of BPD, you may have dogged a disaster. Garth Brooks, Rodriguez and others have even written songs about this. ("Thank God for Unanswered Prayers" by GB. ) I feel your pain. Breaking up is hard ... . and even harder when you are in love and they leave you. But if the person has BPD it may be a gift in disguise. Move on as soon as you are able and hopefully find a healthy person to have a truly loving and satisfying relationship with. Theo

Title: Re: Awful Day : (
Post by: patientandclear on July 24, 2013, 08:31:51 AM
Bananas, he is obviously desperate for something to save him from bad feelings, and this time he jumped all the way in before the fires of his honeymoon high could subside.  You can see that, right?  He could have married you too after the first two months, but he still would have had a dramatic turnabout and betrayed you.

This means nothing except confirmation that he is completely out of control and making impulsive decisions and lying to himself.

I do know how horrible it feels, though my ex did not marry the next woman -- but he was talking about it, according to mutual friends, as well as talking about having kids with her, when the reason he ostensibly left me, after talking about marriage, was that he didn't want to do the childrearing thing again (he has adult kids, I have a younger child).  Same horrible feeling of being utterly erased by someone I had sincerely given my heart to.  I'm so sorry.

P.S. My ex did not stay with the new woman despite his momentary certainty that she actually was the woman for him.  He treated her the same way he treated me -- recklessly promising something he could not deliver -- and then quit.  The woman your ex married is in for quite a devastating next chapter, I'm sure.

Title: Re: Awful Day : (
Post by: Bananas on July 24, 2013, 09:33:26 AM
Theo I know you are right.  Although my ex was only diagnosed (from what he told me) with anxiety and depression, he does have several cluster B traits.  The more intimate we got the more he pushed me away.  And he has a family history of mental illness, as his mother took her own life.  And he had a history of burning through people like the fuse on a firecracker, in the end just cutting them out, leaving behind him a trail of tears.  I remember thinking that I was "special" and certainly he would not treat me that way.  I was wrong!  So even though I do not see it completely yet he did me a favor.

My former husband died.  It was awful, yet death I could make sense of.  This I could not.  But I now accept that I do not have to make sense of it.  Disordered or not, bad treatment is just bad treatment.

P&C the same.  We had several conversations about marriage and both agreed that it was something we would approach slowly as he was just divorced when I met him.  And we were friends for a year before we got intimate.  So yes it is very painful to see him jump into something so quickly, and for me to be erased practically overnight, after 3 years... . like I was just a one night stand. 

It is funny that none of his close "friends" even know he is married.  The person that told me has a mutual friend that is friends with his wife.  And no one at work knows and we work together.  It's all very odd, but it reminds me that I do not really even know this person that I thought I was so connected to. 

Thank you all for the support.  It really does help tremendously and gives me an incredible amount of strength during my times of weakness.   

Title: Re: Found out that he was married
Post by: danley on July 25, 2013, 04:02:00 AM
Hang in there Bananas.

You were doing so well in the healing process. You are one of the few that I am inspired by. You seem like you have a strong fighting spirit and I know this too shall pass for you. I know it is more difficult because you work together. It cannot be easy to hear the news of your ex marrying from someone other than him, let alone the fact that he married off so quickly.  I think I would feel the same way as you. When my ex was getting a divorce he never told anyone... . not his best friend or family. He only told his best friend because I told him it was not right keeping it a secret from him especially when he'd ask questions about his marriage. Unfortunately I found out later that my ex told his best friend ON THE DAY he called him for help to move out of the house him and the wife shared. That's how the best friend found out. The family found out because my ex needed a place to stay. Nobody at work knows he's divorced but then again I don't share my personal life with people at work either.

All I can say is that I've read your older posts and I just KNOW you will pick yourself back up and get back to where you left off in your healing process. Inevitably the healing process has It's occasional steps backwards but It's normal. And considering the news you found out I'd say that It's pretty tough to NOT feel the way you do.

Stay strong and take care.

Title: Re: Found out that he was married
Post by: crystalclear on July 25, 2013, 04:51:34 AM

I know the EXACT feeling that you are experiencing. In my case my exbf got engaged within 2 months after he left me. Just last month he got married, and we were co workers (same team) too. It literally killed me - i almost lost my job due to depression and anxiety. I did loose my good reputation and trust from my manager though :'(

I have learnt that hard way that noone understand what i went through, including my family and friends. Which was the most traumatising thing for me. I am very comfortable with myself. I enjoy my own company the most. But yea i have been avoiding meeting anyone - because everyone seems selfish to me now.I always will have this in my heart - that there was noone with me when i needed support and help, even when i was going through hell. I don't blame them entirely but i guess that's how the world works.

His friends have completely cut me out of their lives. They were the ones who said that they wanted to be friends with me no matter what. They obviously attended his engagement invitation and wedding - i thought for once at least one them would check on me. Noone did, and why would they.

Stay strong for yourself. You deserve better and to be happy. 

Title: Re: Found out that he was married
Post by: Bananas on July 25, 2013, 10:05:44 PM
Thanks danley.  That is cool that I can be an inspiration at a time when i feel desperate.  I am good sometimes at giving advice but I can't always follow it.  For myself too, I can look at my personal situation and tell myself what to do but then i can't always follow through.  A lot of people say I am strong but I actually feel weak right now because I think if I really were tough, I would have walked away a long time ago. 

I can understand hiding a divorce, because people can be embarrassed by it.  But a marriage, you are supposed to be happy about that, so I think you would want to share it with your close friends.  But maybe that is just me.

crystalclear, i feel the same.  i really only have one friend that understands, and well i have you all, my virtual friends on this board.  So we just have to be strong for one another ok?  i think it helps seeing the people that have been on here awhile, they made it so we can too, right?

Anyway thank you all for the support.  It does help.  i did run into him today.  damn universe!  it was so weird how i ended up in that hallway at the particular time, a series of odd events.  And it was just the two of us coming right at one another.  But i remembered what clearmind wrote and i made absolutely no eye contact so i did good!   |iiii