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   It's been a while since I posted,so much has happened. SIL did get custody of his son and should be home in a week. In addition to the custody battle, he also had a probation violation to deal with. It's been really difficult for my daughter. She has to try to accept his son when she wants her own baby. She is also experiencing infertility problems,which I think are partially due to the all stress in he life.My daughter was adopted after infertility so I know how she is feeling. Now, as we see the light at the end if the tunnel,here comes the train! A friend of theirs (age 20) is pregnant with her second illegitimate baby and wants to give it to them.(The pregnant girl is not my favorite person,to say the least.)SIL thinks this will resolve the baby issue. If the girl doesn't change her mind and by some miracle they can pass the home study,It wont make up for my daughter's loss. My daughter is Guatemalan,and has lost her family. SIL thinks it may be their  only chance to have a baby, and he could be right.

   About a week ago,my daughter moved the pregnant girl into the trailer which I provide for them to live in and usually have to pay utilities on. They plan on letting her stay there until the baby is born. She will have to sleep on the sofa because the trailer only has two bedrooms. I don't think this is a healthy environment for SIL's 11 year old son. It's pretty much out of my control, other than putting them all out on the  street. Thanks for letting me vent.

That all sounds really messy Senata, how complex our pw BPD make things.


Tell me is it your trailer they are all living in? If so, don't you have control over who stays there?

It seems you are working on acceptance here. Is that helpful?

Vivek    

That is a lot of stuff going on, Senata 48,   

No wonder you are worried and need to vent.

It is good to hear from you again, though... .


As you describe the situation, it is rather complicated, and in light of the fact that you are providing the living quarters, and the pregnant girl sleeps on their couch, and there are only two bedrooms, etc. etc. My guess would be that passing the home study would be a major obstacle for them. Do you know what the laws and the criteria are in your area?

 

  I tried to post a reply last night,guess it got lost. As of the last two days, my daughter has become increasingly disgusted with the situation at the trailer. Pregnant girl and current boyfriend sleeping till noon,playing video games and watching movies once they get up,not helping with household chores or the horses. My daughter was so mad she slept at a co-workers house to get away from them.She told SIL he had to do something about the situation.(which she created-poor man!)

  SIL and his son got home about four hours ago.It is truly a miracle which It took a year and a half to complete In addition to fighting with to BIO mother,SIL also had to deal with a probation violation.(had to serve 2 months mostly on weekends)I am so proud of him for sticking it out and doing what people said was impossible.

   As for the adoption laws in our state, a home study is usually required.I talked to a family therapist recommended that we consult an attorney,but thought there might be some circumstances where a study might not be required.I know an agency wouldn't even let them in the door. This would be  designated adoption so they might not be as strict. SIL does have a felony conviction(not one that would necessarily prohibit him from adopting) and they can barely support themselves. On the plus side, my daughter has been a child care worker for over eight years and SIL has worked with handicapped children and troubled youth. It doesn't look good,but I have learned not to underestimate my SIL. It is going to be interesting. Thanks for listening.

                          Senata48

Hi Senata,

It looks like the situation might solve itself after all with this adoption attempt, things falling apart at the trailer etc... .

(Or perhaps, if the pregnant girl reached out to the authorities, she might get help and THEN, proceed with adopting her baby out?)

Maybe further down the road, when things calm down, there will be a better opportunity... .

  SIL talked an adoption attorney. A home study will be required unless they go for temporary guardianship.(Which leaves the bio mother in control) The attorney doesn't think the felony conviction will be a problem,but their financial situation may.This is a private designated adoption and so the main concern is that child will be safe and loved. I wish they would just drop the whole thing and try to have a baby of their own.Since we don't know if my daughter can have a baby, I have reluctantly agreed to help with home study and adoption fees. I want them to do this the right way and not end up being essentially blackmailed by the biomother from now on. So for now, it's a waiting game.(At least,so far my son is sane)

                                                    Senata48

So far so good; it could become sticky though... .

If I were in your situation, I would carefully weigh at each step, if I was comfortable with it, or not and stick to my limits.

That is always a good prevention for us getting pulled into something little by little without noticing what is going on.

pessio's words are wise Senata. Things become incrementally complex before we realise it. It's a good time to revisit your values and your boundaries, to help you stay on track. Just in case, I have sent you the link to the workshop here on boundaries:

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence (https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries)

keep us in the loop, ok?

Vivek