BPDFamily.com

 

So, after I finally walk away from exBPDbf, I guess he just finds a new "victim" who he will seduce, use and discard?

And then on and on.  Recycle some perhaps... .

I just hope I can recognize them if I ever come in contact again with one.  Im on a paid dating site and am very nervous I will pick up with another... . but I can now recognize the bedazzling eyes and idealization and the intensity... . ive become friends with a few I met at a sports club and I trusted my initial gut reaction and as I got to know them better as friends and they shared their dating lives... . BINGO... . to the point they say they couldn't have a romantic relationship with me as then the clock would start ticking... .

I was reading this the other day on another site, sounds like good advice... .

"I am an attorney and for years, handled many divorces both male and female…all of them involved other women or men…but I could see it was always a symptom, not the cause of the end of the marital cycle.

I had several clients who remarried each other and re-divorced. I had several who worked through their issues and to my knowledge have stronger happier marriages than ever.

However, during the ‘pain cycle’ – nothing is right, nothing feels right, and things can seem hopeless.

The biggest reason I found happiness is that I never gave up hope for finding love – and I gave up my ‘personal choice’ of a certain man. I reexamined what I needed in a relationship (sounds selfish but necessary) and then I carefully engaged in companionship based upon finding men I felt met those needs – naturally so.

Many people pretend – put on their best manners, sides, while courting, then as the courting time wears off – who they are and what they need become much more obvious. It that does not suit you- you can’t find happiness.

No one likes to be hurt, but you can overcome this hurt. I encourage anyone to find ‘themselves’ look deep inside into what your needs are in a relationship and stick with those. Finding the right person to fill those needs is a journey to happiness. Then, of course that person must also find their needs met in you. Someone I respect told me once, “Love is the recognition of your values in another’ – and I believe that is a very real important component.

everyone has different understanding and beliefs about what a loving marriage is…they vary widely. Finding someone who shares that with you -goes along way to deepening relationship, wonderful sex, and long term happiness.

Having an affair with another – does not always mean the end nor does it mean loss of love. It can and usually means a poor choice, irresistable desire for ‘excitement’ acted on in a moment of weakness, a mistaken belief that the strong sexual urge means you love them or that you don’t love another, a make up for some type of emptiness inside of you or them, and almost always, the ‘new person’ somehow made you or them feel like a million bucks….of course, because they are not dealing with all of the challenges you face as a couple – the kids, finances, etc.

It is always an escape. I have not had one client who ever left a spouse and ended up marrying the ‘person who they had an affair’ with and being happy. In fact most do not marry- it is much more the ‘idea’ that one can have a fantasy. But, that is all it ever is – a fantasy. It is not reality based one can not and should not act upon a fantasy. it is like building a house on stilts over a sand trap.

The affair is a symptom, not the cure. The only way to future happiness is to fix the underlying cause. If you are not the one who had the affair, you can only fix yourself – if you can try to see the cause or your part in it – (very hard to do) you will have much greater chance of happiness if this marriage stays together of if you find a new love.

You will find a new love, because everyone needs another person- we are built that way and we will seek it out one way or another. The pain…can be helpful…if you can remove the root of it.

My very best to you all and much happiness and personal growth in your journey."

Nice statement! I agree wholeheartedly!

Aurora.dragon,

I was lamenting having to start dating all over again on a recent post, too.

But the key isn't really who is out there that may have this issue or that issue.

The key is knowing ourselves and OUR issues and knowing what our needs and values are, and dating with that information in mind at all times. Really love and protect yourself and your own values, sure there are no guarantees, but people show you who they are pretty readily. When we are committed to taking care of our own values, we keep ourselves safe and we can have a much better chance of manifesting what we really want and value.

My new favorite saying is that it isn't about finding the right person, it's about becoming the right person.

The hard part, though, is knowing when you've become the right person.  lol  I think that's why some of us heal a bunch, but still come here for support. Am I really ok? Am I making better choices? What does it mean to be normal? How does it feel to be whole?

About a year after my divorce, I went out with someone I met through mutual friends. Really nice guy, super attractive, had done a lot of deep healing. But he told me everything on our first date, about his awful relationship with his dad, his father molesting his sister. And he told me he had a temper, but had been in therapy for it, and had to quit drinking so he could keep it under control.

I look back now and realize that I was just learning how to believe in my own good sense. I just left a marriage with a guy who had a temper and drank a lot, and should have walked away from this guy after one date. But it took me 3 dates before I realized that I was done with this kind of fixer upper. Maybe he could be a friend, but definitely not a lover. And that was ok.

I like what Maybeso says about really loving and protecting yourself and your own values. You know what feels good. You really do -- if it doesn't feel good, trust that. Trust that you deserve to feel good and be treated well. Having high standards for yourself doesn't mean that you're going to be alone, it means that you're going to attract someone who treats you well.