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I am curious... .how many nons have heard from their BPD ex to never contact them again or else?  In the devaluing stage, the last thing my ex said to me was never contact her agin by txt, mail or email or else.  Followed that up with dont underestimate me, and that I ruined a really good thing.  How many have heard something similar?

For me... .

I didn't get that response.

In round 1... .

She raged at me... .

Literally.

Yelled... .

Screamed at me.

So it was implied that I never contact her again.

In round 2... .

Her brutal coldness... .

Minus the rage... .

Implied the same as above.

It was never stated outright... .

Other then... .

The relationship ends here... .

Both times.

Yes, I've heard it too.  I heard it within the first month of our relationship (which started 16 months ago).  I heard it three weeks ago.  I heard it one week ago. 

Every time she's said it I thought she REALLY meant it.

This last time she told me I ruined everything.  That things will NEVER be the same again between us.  That I should NEVER dare contact her again... .EVER... .not for the rest of her life!  I should never call her, text her, send her anything in the mail, park on her street, etc., and if I do she will figure out a way to get me arrested.

Then five days later she contacted me.

It's so confusing.

To quote myself, "Snap! Me too! Same here!"

I'm now thinking of it as a scorecard, and I'm winning at the moment... .whoever last sent contact  gives a point to the other one who receives contact.

So far, after last Monday's email from me saying he would never hear from me again, he's sent an email and three texts that night, then on Sunday just gone, another email, all ordering me never to contact him again - which is what I told him I was doing anyway... .

So that makes it 5-0 to me :)

My mother's comment was, "oh dear - if he's still sending you long emails a week later, he can't be all that happy settling down with his new girlfriend, can he?" - she's a clever one, my mum... .

He just craves contact. He wants me to tell him I forgive him, it's ok, he's not the worst person in the world... .and then he would be able to take control again of our combined emotions, and freeze me out by his decision.

What he can't cope with is MY taking control of MY emotional life and ME making MY decision to sever contact for MY sake.

I feel sorry for him.

But not sorry enough to put myself in harm's way.

So... .five-nil to me, and I intend to keep my scorecard clean at nil. 

Honestly, be glad that they told you to not contact them again, its really a blessing in disguise for you.

Mine got me as close as I believe that I will ever be to another person of the opposite sex in my life, then had a new guy moved in with her, as she got engaged to him within weeks she had cut our communication down to emails in the last few days, until I found out from someone else she had gotten engaged and was living with someone.   In the last few pieces of communication it was beyond hurtful, she was asking me to tell her how much I missed her, how much I loved her, etc, etc,    gruesome for one's heart.   It may seem awful to you now, but believe me when I say it could be much worse. 

Well I've said don't contact me again - I was done though. Ive never said you messed up a good thing - it wasn't that good.

It doesn't take BPD to put your foot down or say enough is enough.  Was it that 5 mins before things were fine and the person flipped on a dime?

Oh, I also forgot to mention that when she was permanently banishing me, she said I would never find anyone to love her the way that she loved me!

After all the false accusations, screaming, raging, interrogating, hitting, shoving, lying, stealing, manipulating, insulting, threatening, humiliating, playing the victim, blaming me for everything, throwing me out at 3 A.M., throwing drinks in my face, smear campaigns, overreacting, word twisting, flip flopping, backstabbing, discarding, etc.

Let's hope not.

My ex-gf sent me lots of texts after our final row. She had flared up and raged over trivia. I had left saying if we could not resolve this I didn't see where we were going.

Next I got lots of texts:

She tells me she loves me, I am her missing piece, she has never met anybody like me, she has never opened up to somebody like she has to me, that normally she shuts down at this point, would I like to go for a walk, would I like to talk, she knows she has issues and she will get the dealt with, she realises she has been a complete nightmare over the past couple of weeks. I mean it's just about every scenario covered.

When I didn't respond as she hoped she ended it. When I tried to communicate with her about things she told me it's over and to respect her decision.

When I tried a week later she said she didn't love me, had no hesitation repeating this and requested that I did not contact her in any format.

So much for the previous, 'heartfelt' assertions. What a load of cr*p. If you can go from I love you to never contact me again without pausing I don't see how you can be anything other than disordered and unstable.

Despite my words and other's reassurances I still find it hard to reconcile the apparently genuine, heartfelt nature of her comments with her subsequent actions. I re-read the messages yesterday and threw myself into a mess as I began to think I'd screwed up and let it all go.

Meanwhile, she seems able to just get on with life without a pause... .

Oh I've heard it so many times. ... .  I did initially believe it every time but now I can't because when I respect it he still comes back with either hours or days to contact.  Granted its hard as we see each other at work.  But I have also said it and meant it.  It didn't stop the raging.   And he has continued to find new buttons to push... .one would think after 3 years there would be none left untouched but he is seriously resourceful when it comes to new ideas on how to upset me.

I've received so many unprompted final goodbyes it is bizarre.

Not heard a thing now for six months and long may it continue!

Life is so easy by comparison.  :)

Ditto... called me everything in the book, told me where to go, blocked me ... .and then days later was back apologizing and telling me she couldn't live without me. The first really bad breakup (30 yrs ago now)... I took her at her word... she showed up hanging on another guy (neighbor)... and we had been talking wedding plans... and I was crushed, couldn't stand it. Made me suicidal/homicidal, so I packed up and moved, gave up my business, friends, family and moved 1500 miles away... .with no way for her to contact me. Then 27 yrs later she looked me up on FB and when I heard her voice... all the intensity of the feelings came back. Ended up in divorce for me, 6-7 recycles and an amazing amount of pain. Each recycle had her telling me off and then coming back. I found out she had been diagnosed BPD and started reading up on it and eventually realized it was not me at the heart of the problem. Been NC for over a year now, been seeing a T for the PTSD (she once argued/yelled at me for just under 7 hrs straight ... I prodded her a bit to see just how long she would keep doing it... .as that didn't seem loving to me... at the 7 hr mark I got up and left and haven't been back in an r/s with her since.)

The depth of the devaluing is amazing... I was married 22 yrs to my exwife... and we argued at times, but it was always civil and limited... as we cared about each other and planned to live on with each other. My exBPDgf... .once she decided I was bad... .all bets were off, the hater was absolutely scary, no constraint at all. She reminded me of Jodi Arias... .and I have no doubt she would filet and shoot me given a chance... .was like pure evil.

It jacks with your head so much... to be abused by someone you feel strong apparent love for... and for them to blame you for everything. We would make up and the good times were shorter and shorter, the bad times worse and more intense. Its taken therapy and time away to see that I probably never knew the real person she was... .it certainly wasn't the idealizer/seductress... that was phony, the clinging little girl was a bit truthful, but the rabid junk yard dog... .100% authentic... .and probably all I will know of the real her... .and I see that and no longer want any part of it.

I got the 'I don't want to ever see you again' only to be hit with can we meet up and talk a little later.

She changed her number saying she was gone forever only to contact me on that new number a few days later.

What concerns me is that I didn't get any such overt abuse; the really ghastly demeaning stuff that seems so common on here. This was the second major row we had had in 8 months with numerous other small moments and an increasing subtle push-pull dynamic.

This is why I'm confused. The gross elements of her behaviour and her absolute waif-like appearance and demeanour and absolute history of abuse, unstable and violent relationships, abortion, affairs, alcoholic mother, divorce, maternal abandonment etc... .fit the bill but she wasn't overtly, regularly abusive to me. It was all subtle and passive and very victim-like but it was there creating instability.

Then, suddenly after so many texts and conversations declaring so much love and hope etc we began having these rows. The classic excessive responses to minor things.

When I pulled away she came in with her texts and wanting to make amends and get back and talk... .and then THE END. Suddenly, completely, absolutely. No going back.

Having reviewed the texts yesterday I feel awful again.

Exactly the same as I had, not major problems, just lots of smaller stuff.

It put me in a state of denial that maybe she wasn't properly diagnosed.

She had been wrongly diagnosed in the past.

Strikeforce

Are you saying your gf was eventually diagnosed with BPD?

Mine was un-diagnosed. I'm not sure how much it matters as there are multiple traits regardless and I keep telling myself to focus on the facts of her behaviours.

It has just started to hurt all over again since reading those texts. Damn it... .!

She obviously couldn't have held it together else she would have been more robust and waited and encouraged me to come round emotionally. I guess she felt abandonment coming and hit eject first and of course then devalued me.

It bloody hurts. I can't stop feeling I blew it and could have had her back. I seem to forget that at the time I didn't want that... .as I was seriously fed up with her strange behaviours and distancing.

I didn't deserve this treatment.

Yep she was wrongly diagnosed first time round then was diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (which is BPD here in the UK)

She never had any major rages at me or anything majorly outstanding, but lots of little bits and pieces, the depression, push/pull stuff etc.

That's interesting, she sounds similar to my ex.

My lady was, as far as I can tell, classic waif.

Initially, extremely demure, vulnerable, victim-like, intense eyes, hanging on my every word.

Over time I noticed she would not be very accommodating of my needs and was even a little selfish. I would give her needs my all but she would basically leave me to fend for myself. As I had such strong feelings for her and desires and hopes for the relationship, I guess I just put this aside.

Alex was great, but as ice said elsewhere, distant and mechanical, and ultimately controlling and used to stabilise her moods I think. I'd often be met with her in a negligé wanting sex when it was more appropriate to sit and have a long talk about things.

Majorly, I noticed she was just emotionally absent. Nothing we did cemented a deeper relationship. I was happy to take on her kids etc and they loved me but again it didn't increase her ability to seem dedication and commitment in me. I was only as good as the last interaction it seems.


She used to dissociate or go into trance stares for no reason. It was quite unnerving. There was something very childlike about many of her behaviours and habits. There was a flat affect about her, a lack of joy.

Boy could she rage when she got going though. I used to joke that I would take her up a hill and make her scream at the top of her voice; it was as if she could not express anger. However, once triggered she would explode with a controlled diatribe of confusing outburst that would divert you from the main point.

It was all rather a 'just can't make sense of it' experience.

Does that concur with your experience of your partner?

Yes, very similar.

And to be honest I would probably still be with her if I hadn't studied BPD.

She wasn't a bad person, just had a very bad life. Found it difficult to express her feelings but would eventually come out and talk about things.

I was her longest partner of just over one year.

Gosh, they sound so similar. I could say the same of mine. She was a genuinely nice woman who meant well and apparently a great mother.

However, I want to tell myself to wake up and smell the roses. She was what she was and that was difficult to be close to, distancing and rageful on occasion. I also think I got out early. I think it would have all got a lot worse and the pattern would have repeated over time.

It was a young relationship and the shine was going. That's the sad truth I believe.

I hate to think of her being with another and it all going swimmingly when I feel

I failed. I know, intellectually, I didn't and I know she is unlikely to change for the better.

I also feel if she was truly able to have a relationship with me she would not have bolted and pulled down the shutters.

It's truly interacting that your ex- was diagnosed. It makes me feel more confident in my suspicions knowing that they sound so similar and 'quiet types'

Thanks.

Yeah getting close to mine was difficult, she would often push me away. Other times she would be close especially when she was taken out of her 'comfort zone'.

Sounds a little as if the attention is ok when it's their need but not so good when it's yours, all wrapped into the illness.

I've lost my way in these last 24 hours and now every thought is of my ex just moving on and unaffected... .I know that it's not that simple. I just hurt.

When did you separate? Has there been any contact?

End of August. I tried twice to get her to meet and talk but she just snapped back with I do not love you, I have no hesitation repeating this and do not contact me in any format.

So much for all the I love you stuff after we had out row... .

There is a good chance she will contact you to say sorry and try to get back with you at some point.

My intuition says she won't. She seems to have poisoned her friends against me, I'm not convinced she hasn't met someone else, although I think it's a little soon with her kids etc. Also, why his she being so horrible now? If she meant what she said about wanting to talk over the row and loving me she wouldn't have shut down so fast.

Why will she come to after that? Will it be healthy for me anyway?

Oh what a mess. I need to get a grip. I was doing so well!

Its really best not to try and work out what they are thinking.

Well I call BS on her statement unless of course she meant this as how great her love was:


You know any person who really knows how to love someone doesn't make grandiose proclamations of how great they are like that when behaving like a jerk?  It's called overcompensating.  Don't buy it.

That's just it, she feels 100% justified doing all those abusive things to me because in her mind everything is my fault and I caused her to do them to me.  She takes no responsibility for her actions.  She's the victim.  I got what I deserved and she's not sorry for anything.  In fact, I only got 1/10 of the pain that I've caused her, so there's plenty of room for more revenge against me.

She only focuses on the good things she's done for me, and conveniently ignores the bad.  Come to think of it, that's exactly what I do too. 

She's delusional if she thinks that is alright or justified - but try reasoning with unreasonable... .it ain't happening.  So she's delusional and immature.  Great mix of quality character traits huh?

You know she isn't gracing you with her presence - just jeep raising the bar.  There will be a point where you know she isn't worth your tume, energy, or care.  It'll come and I'm guessing your reply will be a simple "no thanks"   

Yes, I have heard this too... not the "or else" part but the "never contact me again"... .7 hours later we were eating dinner together. Its beyond confusing.

I heard it all, good and bad. There isn't any middle ground, it's all extremes. It gets to the point where ALL of it is true, and NONE of it is true. In effect, it just cancels itself out. The relationship ceases to exist. You've been abandoned by someone who feared their own abandonment. With enough focus, you find You in the process of healing.

Their attempts to over-control the situation help us free ourselves.

The person they really want no further contact with is themselves, but finding that too hard to admit or change they turn it against others and keep the patterns going.

That's a very powerful statement right there!

Countless times.

I was told that I was a slut, selfish, self centered, worst girlfriend ever and on and on and on.

I can't write the really bad stuff "(

He would rip me apart and didn't care who was around.

Then the remorse would set in and "I didn't mean any of it, I was just mad."

Sadly, he wouldn't remember most of what he said and did during his "rage"

I let him go, and the relief is amazing because I know I'm none of what he said and he'll never devalue or take my self worth again.

I didn't have the same experiences as you but other hurtful experiences.  I also heard a similar comment about how he was so good to me and I wouldn't find anyone who would be as good to me as him. 

I'll admit the good times were wonderful.  But the bad were the some of the most cruel I've ever experienced.  And I always tried to remember the good and forget the bad.

When he was drinking, he did so publicly. But otherwise, it was all behind closed doors so that he could maintain his mask of the perfect husband.

Badly,

She could feel all kinds of ways.  Part of the disorder if its BPD is emotional reactivity to real and perceived slights.  Toss in an emotional overload that diminishes empathy - in this situation empathy is more than just understanding another persons feelings it is connecting the dots between actions and effect on others.  And you get some really bizarre outcomes and rationalizations.  Personal responsibility goes out the window.  When people talk about it like dealing with a child or teenager this is a lot of what is going down.

It's real easy to get caught up in their accusations or let that twisted thinking influence your reality.  It's very important in situations like this to look at the facts and not get swept up in the other persons version of events.  Remind yourself when you find these are chopping away at you - her reality isn't yours. It isn't to say we all handled it impeccably but it is to say that when someone hands you a big helping of ridiculous and a side of complete crap you don't bite into it.

I know its hard - especially when the hurt is fresh.  It also takes some time to see things for what they are/were without it being clouded by grief, loss or denial. 

Be kind to yourself. 

Are you doing any better?

As I re-read the comment I made in bold, I realized it didn't make sense because what I meant to say was:  She said, "I would never find anyone to love ME the way that she loved me."

There that's better.  I don't know how to edit these posts.

I would also say that the good times were GREAT and the bad times were the MOST CRUEL times I've ever experienced with another human being... .especially from someone who claimed to love me.

I always tried to overlook the bad and focus on the good, but that's what got me into so much trouble!

Brainwashing... .now you need to brainwash yourself.  YOU are loveable.  YOU are worthy.  YOU are _____.  Keep telling that to yourself. 

Green Mango:

Thank you for asking me how I'm doing.  That's very kind of you.

I feel sad.  I feel panicked.  I feel like I'm being held in solitary confinement until I break down and confess to something... .or in this case, until I break down and make contact with her.  I know I shouldn't contact her and I'm trying hard not too.  She was the center of my world and I feel so lost without her.  I keep hoping she'll call me again.  I want to see her and talk to her so badly!  I even watched the movie "Carrie" tonight (the original one with Sissy Spacek) because we had planned to go see the remake together and watching the old one was my way of "connecting" with her.

I understand that they move on quickly because they are intolerant of their own company and being alone without a positive mirror in the form of a lover, a dedicated group of co-dependent friends, the birth mother for reassurance etc... .

I don't understand why my ex- stayed for 10 years with a NPD husband who emotionally and physically abused her.

He wasn't a positive mirror (was he?). She is a waif type and the sex was good (controlling and automatic) but 'good'. She said they rarely had sex and she rarely went out as she had 3 kids all the time.

How does this fit in with leaving when the 'all good' mirror is gone? They say BPD/NPD is a likely lasting, if highly dysfunctional, mix.

I know exactly how you feel and everything that you have described throughout this thread fits to a T. I know exactly what you are going through. My best advice is to be kind to yourself. Know that right now you are in pain, but also know that this pain is NOT going to last forever. You can't shake those good memories because they are why you are in pain. If there weren't any good times, then you wouldn't even care about this person. However, no matter what you think, this has affected her. The problem is that she is living in her own personal hell. She can't deal with how she is like normal people, she is going to just be even more miserable so she uses the mask of hatred so that she never has to look in the mirror and realize just how much SHE F-ed up. You want to talk to her, but man, you're not gonna believe me, but she is doing you a favor. If it went on any longer you would just be even more further from being okay. Look at it like this-- you are now healing. It's gonna take time, probably not today, not tomorrow, next week, maybe not next month. But hold onto that 'maybe' because it is a definitely a possibility, In fact, it's more than a possibility... .I can definitely tell you that one day you are going to be over this. I hate cliche lines, but in time you will see that what doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

Uhhh... .I know it sounds a bit extreme, but with the help of friends and agreement of my therapist I have been doing a brainwashing process on myself for nearly two weeks and it's helped enormously.

I had no idea it was possible to do this to yourself, re-programme your brain. But it is.

Alethia, those words could have been written by me.

I too, was seriously fed up with her strange behaviour. In fact, 4 months ago I wrote a long email telling her basically that I'd had enough and wanted out. I was in a better frame of mind then, but unfortunately I didn't send the email, just saved it as a draft. I really wish I'd have sent it now, because it would have come from me. What's gnawing at me is the fact, I think, that I feel rejected because of her new man.

So very odd these feelings within... .

How very true, strikeforce 

I had difficulty enough trying to work out what my ex was thinking whilst I was with her. Now every possible scenario is played out in my head about what she's thinking, not only about me, but her new man. Also what they may or may not be doing at any given time, if they've had their first row, if she's still in the Idealization phase with him, if he's emotionally stable and has started to see the cracks appearing, if they are loved-up, etc, ad nauseum.

The important thing for me is to keep saying my mantra that whatever they are doing has nothing to do with me. She chose to be with someone else, for whatever reason (what she was thinking), despite seeing him when we were still 'officially' together.

Being intimate with someone else is a big thing with me. And it shouldn't be because they are only doing things that she did with me and the countless men before.

This is sent with my positive-head on. Tomorrow may be different and I'll be back at square one... .

Houseofswans

Thanks for responding.

I'm being supported well but I'm in a terribly low place. I've stopped low and feel worse. I've done the Facebook thing, watched her patterns online on Viber and WhatsApp and driven by. All this, all if a sudden. I've gained nothing but strong suspicion there's a new man and hurt that I see plans for Christmas meals out etc with a group of friends.

I feel I want to be part of it all. IT'S CRAZY! I wasn't happy, she had weird behaviours and raged at me when we rowed, went all weird for reasons I don't know. Tried to entice me back with nice talk and then ended it. I didn't even particularly like her friends. They were all rather chips off similar blocks.


So why do I feel so bad for Christ sake?

I agree with others who help me greatly that I need to let it go. Knowing it hurts me is PROGRESS. I need to stay away from all things her.

Yes.

My ex in our 4 year relationship never got ill apart from one time when she emailed me (why not phone?) to say that she was in bed with a bad cold.

I sent a reply in good humour, making light by suggesting 'alternate' ways of relieving the symptoms, thinking that my words would cheer her up.

Well, her response was such that you'd think she was on her deathbed and I'd refused to say goodbye before she expired.

I was a bad person, couldn't care less, no manners, etc... .

And yet, when she could see that I was in physical discomfort with my back (ongoing, before and after her cold), she never even asked if I was OK.

So, in summary. Yes, attention when they need it is paramount. Drop everything and come running... .

Alethiea,

Keeping tabs on what your ex is doing will drive you crazy!

I've mentioned on another post that my own self-censoring was to download a free website/keyword blocker, and then put every website I knew she was active on, as well as her own website, facebook, youtube videos, her name, in fact every possible scenario in case in a moment of weakness wanted to check up what she was doing.

And it works - because I can't even access the blocker in admin mode because you need a password - and that password was so complex that I had to write it down and when everything was set up to my satisfaction I burned the piece of paper the password was written on.

And the blocker is robust. I tried various ways of deleting it from my system (not in a moment of weakness, but as a trial in case of a moment of weakness). And it is impossible because it works at system level. You just can't do anything because it is impossible without a password.

Maybe something for you to try to try and help heal?

Blimey! You were determined! I think I can do it by willpower but I know it will hurt. It's only been recently I've done this.

I go through ups and downs. If I cut out all thought and access to that part in me I feel deeply sad and want to cry. That's the healing I guess. I need to keep in touch with that. Trouble is, as soon as I have a thought of her I feel terrible that she has just moved on and I'm in this hell hole.

That's right. I think that their ability to just move on is because whatever emotional attachment we thought we had with them means nothing.

Mine knows how much I cared for her (because I told her in words and letters) and must realise how much I'm hurting. But no contact from her for 6 weeks must mean that she's either not bothered or interested in me, or she's unable or unwilling to ask about my welfare.

I don't know, just a theory... .

I was a source of plenty in material terms, and so is her new man. My hope is that she will just drain him emotionally (as she did with me) as well as monetarily. And that will make me feel better

The story she most likely spins is that she doesn't contact you because it's better for you. Your too clingy and desperate.  And since she's not interested in you she's letting you down easy.

I'll call my ex BF A.  His ex X.  X introduced one of her bf's to us.  He was a nice guy but shy.  A is very extroverted.  X dated nice guy for about 9 months and the whole time would say he wasn't the right guy for her.  How insecure he was and how he was too clingy.  Nice guy wasn't her type but she kept him hanging.  She'd call nice guy telling him she loved him and missed him, etc.  X then meets current bf and lets nice guy know but at the same time calls him pet names.  And he says hey if you met someone quit calling me and quit telling me you miss me and calling me pet name.  Years later nice guy heard about her being sick and chatted with someone she knows and he said he hopes she's ok. X tells A how it took her months to shake nice guy off.   

That's the story she has to spin because she is a all about her type.  Arrogant and manipulative.

I like your cheeky post.  I reviewed your list. I think I missed out on the drink being thrown in my face.  The rest of them were spot on.  Thanks for helping me remember all of the, errr, "good times".

ABB

Mine has always said "do not contact me again, I do not want a relationship with you".

Last time it was, "I will never be intimate with you again. I do not want a relationship or a friendship ever. You are not a person I chose to spend my time with".

I couldn't even respond to that. When I did I got the whole restraining order threat.

Then she left me for an ex. Still came back a month later.

This time it is much worse. She HAS my replacement here in state. Told me never to contact her again and blocked FB, email and phone.

I sort of find it funny because all contact is pretty much moot. What does she think I will do? Send carrier pigeon?

You should probably listen to her and not send her anything.

I sent my ex an email after we broke up with some provocative language in it and she forwarded it to my mother. It was pretty embarrassing.

Santa, I work with her sister.  I think that's the only reason I haven't seen a restraining order... .thank God!