BPDFamily.com

I find this an interesting question. Many of us can be single for quite a few years after this BPD debacle... .

But, what if, what if your ex BPD partner, will go in therapy for all those years. And come back, and wants to try to make a fresh start.

Would you, after everything that has happened, give it another try? How much do you value to your own past (where you have been hurt?)?

I'd take a bet on bouncing through a mine field on a pogo stick. Just don't see that happening, so it's nothing to really think about. 

BPD is not something you are born with, meaning it could(!) be cured. It's not entirely hopeless.

But then again, if you think about it. 1 on 50 roughly could have diagnosable BPD (first research i checked on google). 2% of everyone, BPD. Life was cool before I got introduced to BPD.

Because, it Can be cured or the frequency and the intensity of the outbursts controlled, I was willing to go the distance, But, they must do that work for themselves. My partner is in complete denial, I am the problem, I am the cause of it all. And in a manner of speaking he is correct. However this crap makes my life a miserable hell when he is around and since he will not own his side of the problem, if I remove myself from the equation there is no problem. Told him that years ago as well. Since I am Satan's twin sister, it is best that I not be around to make him so angry. He will be happy that I am gone.  folie

There's no research suggesting that BPD treatment (even DBT) improves the ability of pwBPD to deal with intimacy issues. The demonstrated improvements are in lower-functioning issues such as self-harming behaviors.

The hope for BPD relationships lies less in the prospect of pwBPD changing, & more in the ways a partner can change his/her behavior to manage the nearly inevitable BPD dysfunctions, after radically accepting that those dynamics likely will continue.

and this is exactly my fear. i'm not young. i loved being married, even if i wasn't always happy in it. (I'm fully aware of my intense identification with my marriage and my own attachment issues.)


yes i would because 1: there really are great things about her, and 2: i'm a forgiving guy and if she really had come to self-awareness i'd listen. if.

I'd say no, even though there are some great things about her. She does have these moments of self-awareness, at least two during our fast/slow break-up. But like a dog returning to its vomit, she goes back. And how long would I be here while she is out there being used and used... .sex with no protection, in a area of the country known for deadly STDs?

And last night our son was acting up at the mall, so she brought the kids home early. She dropped another f-bomb at him as they came home and he was still crying. Then apologized later to him for blasting the music in the car so she wouldn't have to listen to his cries.

He's freaking 3 years old.

No. I need to stay separate to deal with my children's inevitable issues and the anger she will subject them to, especially our son, since he's a "man," and I know how she feels about men more than ever now. I need to be emotionally regulated so I can help them.

She won't change. To hell with her.

Same, I would go for it. Both feet. I've met a lot of woman in my life. Many, some prettier than her. But with no one, i ever had the connection as with her. I had longer relationships than I had with my ex, but with none, I had the feeling as with my ex.

That is so screwed up. Poor little guy. 

Take good care Turkish.

My relationship with my BPDex lasted 9 months (with lots of short breakups in there) total.  She was the first person I have ever dated, and I have not dated since. I know that I will eventually find something much healthier.  Even given that, tt is entirely possible that as I begin to date again and experience more relationships that I will not find as intense of a relationship as I had with my BPDex.  Even given that, I wouldn't ever go back.  She crossed too many lines and put me through too much mental anguish to ever go back.  I need to have more respect for myself.

Would you take her/him back after he/she would take years of BPD therapy... .?

Therapy does not cure the pwBPD of their behavior.

After having undergone... .

2 rounds of devaluation... .

With... .

2 discards... .

The answer is no.

Even with therapy... .

My exUBPDgf... .

Would only hurt me... .

Again.

And again.

Is that worth returning to... .

For a shorter devaluation period... .

That the therapy... .

At most... .

Will accomplish... .?

The answer is no.

No.

I told my ex if she ever went through the tough journey of getting help I would stand by and support her and I still mean it but I know that is never going to happen. I think she actually might get help one day but her new man or love interest will be there for her by then I wont even be an indent in her memory.

I don't think you can cure lack of empathy, aloofness, them truly giving a damn about anyone but themselves (Narcisism).  NO THANKS.  I have done my time getting this woman through 3 years of her life.

Agreed I think i've almost hit some genuine acceptance. People just don't change... .

One of the first things my T told me is that although we can [through therapy, I assume] change certain behaviors and actions, people's personalities, at their core, don't change.

I still wished she'd taken her T's advice two years ago to try medication to regulate her moods... .but this is a woman who won't even take Tylenol (or whatever) for a headache. I could theorize... .maybe it's to feel REAL pain to drown out that inside that is always there?

Yeah, seriously, What the heck? And Thanks :^) Sure, I get frustrated with his tantrums sometimes. May go ":)amit, son!" (trying to get better... .I've taught him so that he admonishes my colorful language in the car I use to comment on other drivers sometimes, good kid) but throwing F-bombs that way is crossing the line, just like blasting music. With his 1 year old sister in the car, too.

I've already observed her devaluing him because he's a boy, and putting his little sister on a pedestal. They are both great kids. Very smart, kind, beautiful. Want to keep it that way. But he seems overly emotional sometimes about things; whereas his sister is more even tempered like me. Might be a genetic component to it. Or he might just be 3! And now she has caused this soon to be trauma when she moves out. And they will see her later with another man. Not to mention severely wounding  their father. Leave, sure, I guess, but cheat on the way out, and three months later you're still in the house?

Congratulations, mom of the year!

I would like to think it was possible because we have a 3 year old who is just starting to recognize that something is wrong, that she misses us (or me at least) when I am not around and that she wishes we lived together. That is really hard and makes me think things through differently. That being said, my ex is in such deep deep denial with brief periods of self awareness that I know it will take a lot to get her to get help, if anything it will be her parents dying because they are such a key piece of it and that could be easily 10-20 years from now. So I really can not say for sure. It isn't a bridge I have gotten to.

My heart says yes I would take him back after all this if I thought he had changed. Which is hwy I know the answer has to be no. If I'm willing to subject myself to that anguish again, clearly he is still hurting me almost a year later. It would take so much strength, but I know I would need to say no.

If he accepted and acknowledged what the trouble is... .if he stuck with the therapy for a full FIVE YEARS... .if the therapist involved his family maybe or even me... .if it was specialised therapy for BPD from someone specialising in DBT for BPD... .

YES. Like a shot.

But actually, as my T pointed out, by the time I've gone through more therapy and were my ex to have proper therapy, we probably wouldn't be attracted to each other any more... .

Y'all, seriously, if anyone is daydreaming about this, please do be aware that there is not therapy that seems to have any impact on relationship dynamics with pwBPD.  On self-harming behaviors with so-called lower functioning pwBPD, yes.  But there is no evidence that the relationship dynamics change.

We can change.  See the Staying Board.  Having hope for the r/s based on the idea that they will change how they interact in relationship seems to be a false hope.

In my case, that means this: my ex leaves.  He leaves.  He always has left.  He even left me, multiple times, and I am amazing. He can't quite explain why, but, he knew it was the right thing to do.  He left the woman before me and after me (same woman) inflicting great injury to her too.  He leaves.  He's now told me that as clearly as a person can tell another person: this is who I am.

He has inklings that there are deep dysfunctions, like a lot of your pwBPD do, too.  Like a lot of your pwBPD, he is really committed to not changing himself.  Instead he tries to change the inputs, because he is convinced there's nothing to fix in himself (a recent quote), nothing wrong with him.  He must need new work, a new place, new people.

You know what?  That philosophy can work for him if he excises all guilt about it.  It would be easier to do that than to change himself so fundamentally and see how he destroys things that are good through his fear and panic and resentment.

Please be clear on just how deep the defensive mechanisms are rooted.  There are many exes & current partners wBPD discussed on here who have been in therapy for a long time.  They still don't trust love or relationships.

You can improve the r/s if you change your own hopes & expectations, take responsibility for yourself, and stop expecting them to be anyone different from the person they've already showed you they are.  Again, see the Staying board.  But you can't expect them to change.

No but then I never get back with exes...

i feel the same way.  i've met/known/connected with/loved many people in my life but never had a connection as with her.  sure there was something painful and twisted abt it yes **but** there was also something deeply special and mystical, perhaps spiritual, as well. 

so, yeah, i'd give it another shot but there'd be caveats and frankly i don't know if i could protect myself (boundaries) well enough during the time period it would take for me to ascertain whether or not she had healed enough to be in a r/s w/me!  so, can you say "slippery slope"?  nod nod

i'm coming to terms that i just have to - really must - become 'OK' with me, with myself, with who i am, with not needing her or anyone to be with me or complete me.  then, THEN, that is where the real magic can happen... .  i think,  lol ,... .could be all wrong abt that... .   |iiii

Although I recognize all of us are different and especially those with BPD, I experienced what therapy can do myself. In some ways, this has been a curse because my hope never dies. Therefore, I told my exBPDh to give me a call after about 1 year of therapy (and approves me talking to his therapists) if interested in slowly dating again to see if a rebuild is possible. So, yes.

That said, he has no interest in therapy and says like patientandclear's ex, this is who I am. He also thinks I don't really love him since I don't accept him for the way he is. Therefore, I doubt this scenario would ever happen.

Even with that, I am hearing those on this post mention therapy not helping relationship dynamics. Clearly, I need to read more about BPD, therapy modes, and results of therapy for a serious reality check.

Plus, I am not in a place to have a healthy relationship with ANYONE right now. So, it is irrelevant for me to think about 'what if'.

That is a whole heck of a lot of variables... .NOT GOOD MATH.

Then I hear Escaped's... ."But actually, as my T pointed out, by the time I've gone through more therapy and were my ex to have proper therapy, we probably wouldn't be attracted to each other any more... .". Yet, I am aim to think a 20 year relationship as this, 2 kids, and both of us climbing our mountains (so to speak) would afford a higher level relationship. Here is the idealist in me feeling/thinking; definitely not the mathematician  :)

The answer for me is unequivocally yes, I would give her another chance.

The reasoning for me is simple and personal.

At that point, she would have become another person, and I would too.  The hurts that I feel now wouldn't matter because I'll have more hurts in the future, and they'll all blend together.

Quite simply, we would be giving it a fresh start because we would both have to be completely different people.

At one point in my life, I was dating one of my now closest friends.  With all my push/pull, alcohol abuse, unstable emotions, love/hate, she actually accused me of borderline personality disorder.

What she didn't know at the time, that I had yet to even talk to a therapist about yet, was the fact that I was repeatedly raped at the age of 5.  Intimacy issues?  I think so... .

Given what my ex told me about her past, I can only imagine the things she didn't tell me about her past.

She has to make the choice to dig in there, confront those demons, and come out the other side.  I tried to help, but she just wasn't ready.  It will happen in her own time, if that exists on this planet and during her lifetime.

If not, she will continue living out her patterns. 

I see the humanity in her, and I'd be hard pressed not to give her the chance if she really worked on herself.

The hangup though is that I'd never know if it was true at first.  It would have to be a long string of actions, which would necessarily require a bit of vulnerability on my part.  I'm currently in a phase of my healing where I'm terrified she would take advantage of those because she has before.

So I need to shore up those vulnerabilities, and be completely detached before I could ever give her even the time of day to tell me about her therapeutic endeavors.

My ex lied and changed her mind so often that it would be hard to believe her.  Many times in our 25 year relationship she vowed to try to get better.  Four rounds of treatment, endless psychologists and psychiatrists, twelve-step groups, couples therapy... .  She never totally committed herself to the surrendering work of recovery.  She would improve in one area of illness/addiction, but get worse in other areas.  She always held on to some form of dysfunctional coping behavior.  She once told me that she has never been happy.  She always needed some way to escape from her inner misery.

So if she promised to go for therapy I would be very skeptical.  She very well may mean it when she says it.  But by that evening, for whatever reason, she might be off running after some other, shinier toy. 

If she asked me for another chance I would not shoot her down.  Rather, I would tell her to call me in two or three months, just to see how consistent she is.  My hunch is that in that time she would have moved on to another distraction. 

Fiddle

5 years, yep that's the same time frame i've heard/read.  it bothers me when i see/hear someone say/expect rapid success from 1 round/6-12 months of DBT.  that's not only an unrealistic expectation, it's extremely unfair to the pwBPD.


i would love to hear more about this!  from you or anybody "in the know"... . 

:light:  sounds about right that if the pwBPD no longer needs to be saved, what role would us Nons play for them?  and conversely, if we Nons got healed from our own baggage which seems to be pretty heavy suitcases of stuff like co-dependency, control, needing to be needed, needing to save/savior/white knight, etc what role would they play for us?

seems like if we both get 5 years of therapy and are able to be "normal, healthy" then we'd be like 2 complete strangers maybe!  or maybe we'd smell like last week's fish to each other,  lol... .  interesting to think about.