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I was driving home yesterday, after spending the day with my 2 year old niece, when the song "love the way you lie" came on.  The lyrics "just gonna stand there and watch me burn", "Just gonna stand there and hear me cry"... .triggered a memory from my childhood, of moments of crisis, fights, meltdowns, when I would cry, sob and totally break down, and in all of those memories I couldn't recollect a single time that I was comforted by my parents.  I only remember being completely alone, and cannot even remember a single moment when my parents did come to comfort me.  They just stood there and let me cry, alone.  Well after that realization, I broke down and cried... .Having spent the day with a two year old, I realized my own childhood vulnerability in those moments of crisis.  No one EVER gave me a hug. And that's all I really wanted.  That's what my BPDex gave me the day he met me... .a hug.  I fell for it, hook, line and sinker. 

My parents never told me they loved me, definitely no hugs, 'affection' was in the form of being taken care of well, going through the motions; I grew up wondering if I was loved or not.  DECADES later I realized that both of my parents loved me very much, but didn't have the skills or the awareness to communicate it.

Did you parents love you?

yes, I definitely know they love me.  I don't think I always knew it growing up, as my childhood was very turbulent, but perhaps as a teenager and adult I became more aware of the fact that they love me, as they have expressed it in different ways.  But I think like your parents, they didn't have the ability to communicate it.

 

Thank you for sharing your insights, unhooking and fromheeltoheal. I struggle with never having felt loved by my father. He only ever criticized me, never any words of love or care. He did provide for the family, so maybe it was a case that he was unable to relate to family in any other way? Thanks for illuminating that for me through your experiences!

Yes, my father couldn't relate on an emotional level, or wouldn't, partly because his father couldn't and he didn't want to or couldn't break the cycle.  I consider myself more evolved than that, and I do have emotionally hones conversations with people, but I don't have kids, maybe there's an intensity there that I won't want to breach, we'll see, but breaking bad cycles is a good thing.

My father also couldn't relate on an emotional level, or spiritual, or anything that was not mathematical. It was probably a way of protecting himself though, because my mother is uBPD.  I know both my parents love me, and my father showed his love by being the solid rock, who spent quality time with us, and always encouraged us in everything we did.  My mother... .well, she loves us, but in the way that a someone with BPD traits would.  It is only about her.

Grieving these childhood memories is a healthy step in recovery, I'm sorry this was painful. Can you be there for and comfort this child within you today?