BPDFamily.com

Hi all,

I've posted my story previously. exBPDbf dumped me in October of last year. Silent Treatment from him ever since except a brief exchange in February over a financial issue. Now he's "following" me on Facebook as of the first of this month.  He doesn't "like" or "comment" on anything of mine. No activity whatsoever.

Why bother?  Especially after a year. He chose to end the relationship (interaction, really) and run away. Went right back to his old life and routine. Ignored my pleas to communicate.

I feel like Mr. Spock now as far as how I react to him these days. "Fascinating" (raises eyebrow).

Why keep tabs on us yet hide in the shadows?  Creepy.

That is stalking behavior. "I hate you, don't leave me" My exUBPDgf did the same after she left me in round 1. She is probably doing this now after round 2, it wouldn't surprise me. She once posted on her fb after she left me in round 1, "Sometimes you need to love people from a distance." Right. How one can only love someone else from a distance is beyond me. A contradiction of the cruelest kind. In her world, normal. Why? Unknown.  

Hi Ironmanfalls,

I read somewhere that folks with BPD yearn for what they can't have. A lot of them engage in LDR's because it keeps the fantasy going and is somehow "safer".  Don't know.

Mine went back to his old life and seems to be happy as can be. Just had a big Thanksgiving family craptacular.  I was never painted black. No raging at me. Just silence. And now, apparently, "stalking".

I was in a relationship with my borderline the first time 25 years ago, and she's contacted me sporadically over the decades.  I was always able to focus on how bad I felt when she left me back then, so never put much weight on the contact attempts, until 2 years ago.  I was feeling very socially isolated and susceptible at the time and she was 'alone', she doesn't do alone well at all, so she came on like gangbusters, and off we went for more trauma.  Silly me.

But since I've learned that people with the disorder harbor reunion fantasies with all there exes, it's never really over, and we all may be potential soothe sources down the road.  Plus it was pretty clear to me that the hot buttons for my ex were shame and fear of abandonment, and when she was ashamed of herself I got a healthy dose of rage, but after a while it became clear it wasn't about me, even before I knew about the disorder.  My take is a borderline might leave a relationship because their emotions are too extreme and the communication has broken down so badly by then that we're the problem, not a potential solution, but after the flurry of the breakup the shame shows up, and they're motivated to check up on us to see what they're missing; I envision mine hiding in the bushes with her tail between her legs, which wouldn't be a stretch.

And yes, my ex liked the distance and buffer that a LDR using technology provides.  I actually ended up loving the cyber version of her very much, the introspective, kind, grounded her, but I couldn't stand the in-person her, not even slightly.  Lots to be said for turning the technology off and going out and having real conversations.

Hi fromheeltoheal,

Thank you for the laugh re: hiding in the bushes. That gave me a visual of my own ex that was hilarious!

I get what you're saying. Mine dumped me because a lot of things came down on his head all at the same time and he "freaked out", so to speak. When later questioned by folks as to why he chose an abusive situation over life with me - everyone got a different answer. Including me. He honestly doesn't know why he ran away.

I just find it really strange that he is obviously interested in what is going on in my life - yet he "hides in the bushes" as you say - and does not interact at all.  My opinion on this is that he is afraid that I hate him (which I don't) and that if he engages with me on FB - I'll block him and he'll have no access to me whatsoever. I could be completely wrong, though.    :)

Mine left me emotionally before I left her physically, but the situation was the same; she didn't know why she left beyond she just felt 'bad'.  I say she left because I made it clear I wasn't going to put up with any more of her sht, which I let her get away with for a while, mostly because I was bewildered that she would be treating me so harshly after "everything I'd done for her", but that crap had an expiration date, and as soon as I started moving towards healthy 50/50 partnership, she tried to go back to Dictatorship, because that's the only way she can feel comfortable in a relationship.

But she's also full of self doubt, and after the 'bad' subsided she dug a little, and wondered if she was the wacky one and screwed up by letting me go.  That wonder causes her to stalk, looking for evidence that either my life sucks and she was justified, or things are great and she really is as worthless as she thinks she is.  Whatever.  All of that could have been sorted out with a few heart to heart conversations, if she'd ever fcking go there, but no, she's stuck whimpering in the bushes.  We can do better.

"Whimpering in the bushes". Exactly. 

I gave up my life completely for this man. I followed thru on all of my promises. He did not. I think what pisses me off about the whole thing (and it's fleeting anger at best) is that he just ran back to his violent spouse (yes - he is married - was supposed to get a divorce - another broken promise!) and picked up right where he left off. Like I never existed. And proceeded to ignore me for over a year (until the FB "stalking".

He began partying, going to wine-tastings, street festivals, out to dinner - while I laid on the floor of our home in the fetal position - sobbing - contemplating suicide - and begging him (thru messages) for just an explanation of what I had done to cause him to leave. I was met with Radio Silence.

I shrug my shoulders about it these days. He owns his behavior and has to look at himself in the mirror. And I do believe he knows what he's done. Not my problem. I just wish I knew what he was up to with the FB "following".  Nutter.

My hallucination is that the marriage is getting stale again, so time to look outside it for stimulus, and if you aren't too pissed, maybe it could be you.  We both know you're too healthy for that now, yes?

Allow me to give a brief synopsis of his marriage. I suspect that they are both BPD. Been married over 25 years (neither one is going to leave the other one). Both alcoholics. She is violent and has been arrested for domestic abuse. Has even broken his nose. They are not intimate. According to his few close friends - all of that stopped about 15 years ago. All of their children (two boys - both grown - from their marriage and three grown kids from her first marriage) are dysfunctional and messed up. No surprise there, right?

I have fantasies in my head of meeting up with him and telling him exactly what I think of his actions - but actually rekindling the "relationhit"?  Ick. No. I paid way too heavy a price the first time around. Never again. I just ignore him now.

Yikes!  Match made in heaven.  I've seen that movie and have no interest in reruns, and the cycle will probably be repeated with the kids.  Lovely.

If you can have him follow you on Facebook and it doesn't bother you then so what.  You can also adjust your privacy settings so he can't see much; a follower can only see what you post publicly.  And of course blocking someone sends a message, one you may or may not want to send, but it's kind of in line with your fantasy.  Take care of you!

Nope - having him "following" me doesn't bother me at all. I'm just curious (in a train-wreck sort of way) as to why he's doing it and what he hopes to gain from it. Otherwise... .meh. His issue.

He stopped posting much of anything on FB after he dumped me. He used to be super active on there. When I'm having mean thoughts - I hope this is an indication that his life is kinda miserable.    *)

This says a lot.  He probably doesn't have a good gauge on why he reacts the way he does.  And with BPD there is the element of emotional impulsiveness along with competing and contradictory emotions. 

I'm guessing he would have a difficult time articulating a reason that seemed to make sense and struggles to see the effect if his behavior or an accurate read on it for an outsiders perspective.

Hi GreenMango,

Your response makes sense. When I spoke with him briefly over the phone back in February -  I asked him the direct question of "why did you do it?".   I got a lot of stammering and the response was... ."I... .I... .I... .don't know. I guess I just couldn't keep everything going."

I could hear him moving around and shuffling papers in the background - meaning he was fidgeting and uncomfortable with the conversation. As he should have been.

lipstick, i am wondering, if this person is not your friend (sounds like quite the contrary), why would you allow him to be your friend online? even though the r/s he has with his wife sounds toxic, do you feel comfortable allowing a married man to re-engage you and watch what you're doing online?

i can totally understand that it feels good to at least get some sort of attention after the shock of being discarded as they tend to do. and you deserve to know that you are worthy of much more respect than his behavior during the breakup. but, i'm wondering if maybe a small part of you is holding out, maybe thinking he feels bad about his behavior? or that he misses you? my guess is that he's just playing games, that the fact that you are talking about this right now was just the effect he wanted it to have on you.

i doubt he's sorry in the least, unless of course he was the type to own up to his issues? no? then, no, he's not sorry at all. and miss you? sure, probably some. but miss you enough to say a kind word, mean it and back it up with action? no no no, not that much. i've been 'stalked' in much the same, cowardly, passive aggressive way. and i never knew whether she was taunting me to be mean and prolong my healing, or if she was getting nostalgic and hoping to reconnect peacefully. so, i've simply come to the conclusion that it was probably both, but that she's too nutty and scared to have a real conversation anyway, so just best for me to ignore.

the two likeliest possibilities i see happening is, either you block him now, which will hurt a little but at least you leave the situation with some control. or, he blocks you (after reeling you in or pushing you away... .choose your adventure  :)) and then your left asking yourself "why didn't i just block him when i had the chance?"

i think it would be good to give yourself a controlled scare--doing this would help me a lot. go to your facebook and pull up the page that allows you to block him as a user. then type in or select his name, but you don't have to push the "block" button if you don't want to. and then, without having to worry about if you actually do it or not, just ask yourself "why would i want this person to be my 'friend'? why am i afraid to block him? what is it that is missing for me that makes this so hard?". asking myself these questions really helped pinpoint aspects of myself that i need to continue working on. good luck! (and block him first!)

@goldylamont -Someone can follow you on facebook without being on your friends list.

If you say he is a weirdo for checking his "ex's" facebook, then ALOT of us here are secret stalkers.  

People who suffer from BPD do have feelings, they just cant sustain them.

i see, laelle, thanks for the distinction. however, same thing. it's still a passive aggressive move to let someone know that you are watching what they are up to.

and ya, i'm guilty of fb stalking also. nobody is saying this guy is a weirdo just b/c he looks at his ex's fb. everybody does this, me included  :) he's a weirdo b/c he devalued/detached like a sociopath and then all the sudden purposefully lets her know that somehow he's interested in her life but doesn't have the decency (or courage?) to approach her like a man. that's the weird part.

I looked at my ex's Facebook page the first week after I left her, and it was seriously vomit inducing, so I haven't been back since and I haven't blocked her, because fck her I do what I want.  So there.  But I am going to pat myself on the back, even though it hasn't been hard to do.

What I did see that first week was she changed her relationship status to 'single', of course, and then posted a whole bunch of posts that claimed to be things she told her 'clients', that were actually things I had told her and she was parroting, and served double duty as veiled messages to me.  Transparent.  Her profile pic was 10 years old and all of her posts were cutesy, well-crafted and sugary, and the comments were from pretty much all men, panting and fogging up their monitors over this hot, quirky, flirtatious cyberchick.  Little do they know she doesn't exist, and this is the week after a dose of dysfunction and vitriol with me that almost put me in a rubber room.

I hadn't yet learned that BPD existed, never mind what it was, but the whole thing was so blatantly disgusting that it made me recoil, and I haven't been back since.  Amazing what the pathology looks like in action, just don't get any on ya.

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. Much appreciated! And he is a weirdo !   :)

I did not mention that he's been trying to get my attention on FB since July. I don't go to his FB page - friends relay this info to me as I think they enjoy "spying" on him for some reason.

He really ramped it up in October (my birthday month and the month he did the D&:) on me). I'm guessing that perhaps he was hoping for some sort of contact from me. When that didn't happen - he opted to "follow" me on FB. I think he does have moments where he feels badly about his actions - but he owns the behavior. I have no intentions of reaching out to him in any way. He completely gutted me and left me without a second thought. I also believe he is too much of a coward to try and reach out. Don't know and am not going to lose any sleep over it.

Oh, and to GoldyLamont - I hear you about the blocking. To be honest - he's not the savviest FB user on the planet. He doesn't handle technology very well. Kind of a doofus in that area. I think he believes he's pulled a stealth move on me and I'm not even aware that he's "following" me. I have a lot of followers and I really don't pay the list of them any mind. So perhaps to him - he's managed to pull off a covert move where he can watch me and I'm blissfully unaware. Maybe so he can plan his next move! Oh, whatever !   

@fromheeltoheal

I think it is great that you are able to stay clear of her.  After the first few days, I did not check my ex's FB for a long time.  The times I did check his social media, he was talking on twitter about sexual positions with another woman, or talking about how sensual he is.    I spent a month in the USA with family, and when I got back I was feeling much better.  It has only been this past month that I have been snooping a bit.  I need to work on that.

Posted on: Today at 08:49:50 AM Posted by: fromheeltoheal

Insert Quote

I looked at my ex's Facebook page the first week after I left her, and it was seriously vomit inducing, so I haven't been back since and I haven't blocked her, because fck her I do what I want.  So there.  But I am going to pat myself on the back, even though it hasn't been hard to do.

What I did see that first week was she changed her relationship status to 'single', of course, and then posted a whole bunch of posts that claimed to be things she told her 'clients', that were actually things I had told her and she was parroting, and served double duty as veiled messages to me.  Transparent.  Her profile pic was 10 years old and all of her posts were cutesy, well-crafted and sugary, and the comments were from pretty much all men, panting and fogging up their monitors over this hot, quirky, flirtatious cyberchick.  Little do they know she doesn't exist, and this is the week after a dose of dysfunction and vitriol with me that almost put me in a rubber room.

I hadn't yet learned that BPD existed, never mind what it was, but the whole thing was so blatantly disgusting that it made me recoil, and I haven't been back since.  Amazing what the pathology looks like in action, just don't get any on ya.




I feel the same way.  I have blocked email and phone.   For a while during the end of the relationship I was soo confused about what the hell was going on,  during this time she got upset that I was on FB and didn't 'friend' her.    This was while she was posting pictures of her and the new man as in an "intimate relationship" , but I couldn't see that part because she had Him block me ... .How F*(&ing sick is that?   Who Does that?    A BPD of course!

I don't have anyone blocked on FB because you know what- I'm not running or hiding from Anyone.   Although I do watch what I put on there and rarely post anything.    F*&$ them, forget them, they are not stopping me from doing what I want to, catching up with old friends, doing things I want to do.   They are the ones that can run around hiding, carrying around all the the shame and guilt, and worry about making up never ending stories to cover their tracks. 

ScotisGone,

I couldn't agree with you more!  I'm sick and tired of trying to figure out their motives for doing what they do. And in the end - we can't - because they are ill and there is no "logic" behind their actions.

Just an update to my own exBPDbf - I get up this morning to find a damn "Friend Request" from him now. I guess "Following" me is no longer good enough.  I won't be confirming that request. I have zero interest in seeing what's going on in his life. I have a feeling it would only hurt me and I definitely don't need any more pain from him! 

A freaking "Friend Request" after telling me back in February how he "can't openly communicate with me", "has an obligation to his family to make his marriage work", "can only imagine how much he's hurt me", "messaging me on FB wouldn't be fair" and "I'm sorry but this has to be the end". 

Weirdo.

You crack me up.  Mine did the same thing and I thought it was hilarious.  She was abusive, condescending, disrespectful, rude, mean, unfaithful for most of the relationship, and now she wants to be friends?  What the heck? You got a bent definition of 'friend' girlfriend.

But with time it became clear that she really did like what we had and she got a lot of help from me in life, she just couldn't avoid getting triggered when we were together, regardless of how hard I tried to show up as who she needed me to be.  Of course just being myself would have been easier.  Social media, email and text allowed her to connect with a buffer, a way for her to get the good without the bad. Sorry sweetheart, you treated me like sht too many times, it must be really hard for you, but I gotta go.

I'm at the stage now where I end up laughing my ass off when I look back or when she tries to contact me.

Fromheeltoheal,

You are spot-on about the friend thing. I don't know what mind ___ my ex is attempting, but I don't want to play and / or pay.  I'm sure he "misses" me in his own way - but he chose to discard our relationship and completely devalue me in the process with the ongoing Silent Treatment.

So now he can have a dose of his own medicine and experience being on the receiving end of the S.T...  

Besides - he may just be planning on rubbing my nose in how "wonderful" his life and marriage are now. And that dumping me was the best thing he ever did.  Yeah... .I ain't got time for that !   :)

Thats the kicker-why do they need to contact us to tell us how great everything is?  Because the truth is if it was all that great then they wouldn't Need to tell anyone about it.  Someone who was emotionally and physically abusive, a liar, a cheater, a manipulator-umm no thanks on being my 'friend' lol.   

What really cracks me up is the stuff they post on FB-how could you post stuff as in an 'intimate relationship' with one person while still seeing someone else whom you continue to say "I Love You" to everyday?   Mind boggling is their thought process and level of integrity. 

Truly I do actually feel sorry for her husband at this point, she got pregnant with him less than 3 months after leaving me in a cloud of bewilderment and confusion.  I would pull up a good seat with a drink and popcorn to watch  them go down like a building being demolished, but I've got other things to do now.     

Peace

Hi all!

Just an update  -  I guess I hurt someone's wittle feelings and he threw a cyber-tantrum. I'm now blocked by the exBPDbf on FB because I did not accept his Friend Request!  It made me start laughing! Is that a good thing? Hope so! 

Of course, he didn't block his "alter-ego" FB profile. I guess that's so he can continue "keeping tabs" on my life while thinking that he "taught me a lesson" for ignoring him!  LOL !

The Nutter. 

Fb is my uBPDexgf life. She lives on it. Uses it to entice all her guy friends. Each time we broke up, I defriended her. She couldn't stand that, not in the least. Either because that was some form of abandonment, or she wanted me to see what she is posting. I have friended her back, but do not subscribe to her on my news feed. Therefore, I can't see anything she posts, unless I go to her page, which I don't. She has made mention recently "you see my status" " or you see that picture" I just say ya. Little does she know I haven't. In the past I was guilty of checking her posts, and she knew it, hence posts directed to hurt me. Now I come off as not caring cause I don't see them... .

I am so greatful my ex never went on Facebook didn't even have a page( that I know of anyway come to think of it).

That would just be so excruciating and ripping the scab off everyday. It is not considered no contact if you are still looking at FB. Remember no contact is meant for you to heal and is the most important even though it is the most hard to do. Believe me I get it and have other ways I am tempted.

PLEASE EVERYONE! DEFRIEND! For your own sake.

Just trying to be a supportive cheerleader! Go team!

Ah the Facebook games we can play. 

Lipstick this guy is married right (not judging just getting a bead on situation) and has an alter ego account.  You guys had an affair and it ended in a strange way.

Now he's dipping his toe in the water again.  Is he still married?  It sounds like he obviously has some issues going on personally that make him unavailable and this may be his pattern.

Getting involved in the game - hurt for a hurt etc - are ways to alleviate crappy feelings.  It gives a playing field to continue the dysfuctional dance.

Have you thought about just blocking this completely - not in a mean way just as giving yourself an opportunity to pull out of this and maybe find someone healthie?

Hi GreenMango,

Yes, he's married. He was supposed to get a divorce. I divorced my husband of 17 years for this man. Moved 2 hours away from my family. The exBPDbf and I moved in together. Then 2 days before my birthday - he moved out while I was at work and ran back "home".

I guess it is games - but I don't bait, block, smear, etc... I just shook my head and began laughing when I discovered I was now blocked. I mean, seriously?  He dumped me in a brutal way - gave me the Silent Treatment for over a year - then because I won't accept his FB "Friend Request" - he decides I'm a big meanie and blocks me. Really?

I'm still hurt by what he did - but now I can put the hurt on a shelf and see it as a life lesson. One I don't care to repeat !

It's sounds like you really committed to the relationship.  You made huge moves and hes not.  That hurts.  I'm really sorry. I would be hurt too.

The weird back and forth with him at this point his alter ego account really show what his level of integrity is.   Him sending friend requests none of it is appropriate.  Not to you or to his family.    If he has BPD this pattern, the fantasy relationship, the mixed emotions and dragging others thru his crap with him are really hard on those people - as you seen too. 

It says a lot when we see how a person reacts - how they handle things.  You aren't baiting him or blocking he's fishing that's the part that's effecting you.  Blocking these fishing attempts isn't about hurting him it sounds like it might help to not see the them though. 

"thanksgiving family craptacular"?

if you want to stop the "stalking" on facebook, you can.  block him.  then he can't interact with you, can't see you or anything you say or do.

if that doesn't sound appealing to you... .do you know why?

well, yes, really. lipstick this is what i was trying to tell you before. you had the option of taking matters into your own hands and blocking him. or you can wait a while and he is going to block you. so that's what happened--he blocked you b/c you weren't responding how he wanted.

really i just wanted to point this out to others -- you have the option to de-friend and to block on your own. and in general it feels better to just do this yourself. you may get a little high from knowing your ex is keeping tabs on you, but when you least expect it--they'll block you like you're the stalker. if you're ok with this treatment then by all means continue, just know you have the option to act first.

Hi GoldyLamont,

I hear you. I do. Truly, though - it doesn't bother me that I'm now blocked. I'm sure sooner or later he'll unblock as curiosity will get the better of him. That's his issue.

What saddens me is that I see him exhibiting more and more of the behaviors that I read about on this forum.  This is a guy I've know since I was fifteen years old. My first love.

My life is on the upswing over the past year. It was tough at first due to the circumstances the BPDex left me in. But my ex husband and I are working on our issues and it's been very rewarding so far. Nice to have my best friend back!  For my BPDex - his life is spinning downward fairly rapidly.  Most of his extended family - aunts, uncles, grandparents - have now passed on. His mom is not in good health. She is all he has left on his side. His spouse is 12 years older than him. In her sixties. Alcoholic. Osteoporosis. His biological children are grown and have lives of their own. He only has two friends. One of them lives here in my hometown. We all went to high school together. The other one is a guy in his late sixties who is also in ill health. The BPDex has a lot of his own health issues coupled with a drinking problem. So I don't imagine there's much joy in his world these days.

I suppose that's why I'm "appealing" to him again. Or I was until I made him mad! :-)  My friends and co-workers are very active with me on FB. Lots of back and forth - fun stuff. I would imagine that's attractive to someone who doesn't have much to look forward to when they come home at night. I could be wrong, though. Just my opinions.   

Lipstick I went through similar stalking behavior.  After I was discarded for my replacement I was stalked through various online social media for months.  It stopped for awhile but now and then he creepily stalks me for a day or so... .while he is living with my replacement. 

Don't be surprised if yor BPDex follows a similar pattern of blocking unblocking stalking reaching out.  Remember that pwBPD have the emotional maturity level of a three year old so they are prone to throw mini tantrums when you don't respond. 

When I dumped mine the sixth time he retaliated by signing me up for a dating website describing me as average and bisexual. (This was a grown man in his mid thirties!)  I'm neither. And he admitted to this later. 

Regardless don't be shocked by any behavior, it's all so bizarre to us because we have not been programmed that way and will never understand this behavior response. but it's normal to them In their f***** up brains.  I stopped trying to figure it out a long time ago. 

It's impossible to make sense of what they do.  Nothing they do is "normal". 

The discards hurt like heck but they are fine, happy.  My ex dumped me and headed right out for dinner and drinks with my friends. Cool, calm.  Like our relationship meant nothing.

It's weird. I'm not even mad at my ex anymore. I could have gotten out of this earlier and I didn't.  Her life will always be like this.  Mine won't. 

Outwardly "fine and happy." Mine displayed the same at the end of round 2. Same calmness. I remember the exact opposite outwardly appearance on the day she reengaged me to start round 2. She begged and cried for me to let her back in. She DESPERATELY needed for me to give her another chance. Clearly there is something really f¥cking wrong here. She isn't happy on the inside.

It's all a game.  All of it.

I figured out a lot from this "relationship".  I figured out that everything was just a repeating pattern. Everything she does is actually more predictable than unpredictable. 

When she is mad or angry at me her Facebook picture is a roaring animal of some sort, namely a tiger or lion. 

When she is in " love" it's a sunset with a rainbow or a bunny staring at the moon. 

The day after I caught my friend spending the night with her, days after she dumped me, her picture was a hot tub with mountains in the background. 

She truly is predictable... .most of the time. 

Mine displayed that same horrific predictability. Especially on her social media. I watched how she would interact with everyone else while in idealization compared to devaluation. It was a spiral up and a steady spiral down starting with the day of trigger. And it was only me who saw that. None of her supposed close friends/family. No on else to say, "[Morena], what are you doing? Why are you acting that way to him?" She basically gets away with behaving like that, without any accountability that is owed. My friends would have pulled me to the side had I exhibited such behavior to her if it were reversed.

I actually wish it were a game. See in a game, there are winners and losers. And rules. Something tangible that you can accept. Here, with this disorder, what exactly can you accept? I have to accept that she is mentally ill. And in the same token, her very illness means, she doesn't have to accept that. And that isn't fair. See, I have a mental illness too, called Major Depression. I am accountable for what it led me to do: 2 suicide attempts. I remember having to look my father in the eyes as I explained to him that I wanted to die. And I had to see the look of hurt in his eyes as those words registered across them. I never want to see that I caused such a look in his eyes. I am held accountable for that. My ex, with her illness gets a free pass, literally. It isn't right. That is how I feel.