BPDFamily.com

I think I'm going insane.

My expwBPD is undiagnosed, but to make a long story short I have more than enough reason to believe she is. Anyway,

I can't stop blaming myself. I can't stop fighting to get her back, even though I know it wasn't a healthy relationship and I can't win her back. I'm hopelessly in love with her. I'm suffering cyclical stages of grief, and not in the right order.

Now I think I could be the one with BPD, since I was always afraid/paranoid that she would leave me, my self-esteem is completely destroyed, and I'm searching for validation in the same ways she does. Everything I'm doing is either motivated by getting back into this toxic relationship, or "beating her at her own game", by racking up more validation and appreciation than she does. She's very popular and has many guys going after her... .and I don't have that same status. In order to feel good about myself, I feel that I've somehow subscribed by self-worth to the same methods she did. And all I can think about otherwise is the desire to get into another shotgun relationship that feels the same way. It's very self-destructive of me, but it's emotional honesty on my part.

I think we've all had similar thoughts and feelings. That's just how it goes. I badly want to get back with my ex, but I know if I did it would take about 10 minutes for me to realize it was a bad idea and want out of the relationship. At least you're safe where you are.

You're life is going to be Hell on Earth if you get back with this girl. I'm talking to both of us.

Sorry you are feeling like this, first off BPD have many distinctive behavior . You will find many insight and most likely to your questioning here on the board. Your description seem to vague, do you see distinc patterns? Introspection is also not a common scheme in pwBPD so don't beat yourself up we will do our best, from our experience to answer your questions.

 *welcome*

Well, I could have written most of your post 4 years ago... .I routinely asked if I was the one with BPD, honestly there is a point where everything we know to be true completely goes against all of our emotions and somehow we have read just enough to truly realize we are acting very unhealthy.

What I can tell you is this... .the ptsd fallout from these relationships can be very real.

So, right now - how you feel - you cannot necessarily help that, but you can control your actions... .this is really big! 

So, you know not to go down the unhealthy path of a new relationship - that is like handing an anchor to a drowning person... .not super helpful.

What can you do?

- post here (good job!)

- do you have a therapist?

- are you exercising?

- are you eating healthy?

- are you avoiding alcohol/drugs right now?

I know it hurts and I remember that crazy feeling, but trust me - it will get better, you have a choice to do the work.  Let's pretend you do have BPD... .ok, not the end of the world.  The exact same DBT skills I read about for my BPD ex worked fantastic for me when I was in your shoes.

Hang in there,

SB

WWGFD,

It's tough trying to figure out what the heck is going on in your own head when you first are getting separated.  It's emotional and yes, you would feel the way you do about her.

I certainly still am attached to the ex after now only 4 weeks.  There are times when I'm completely out of my head too, the pain of the loss cuts that deep.

You are probably feeling the pull of recycling.   I know I'd like to get out there and date as I share your need to "beating her at her own game."  But here's the deal.  It's unhealthy to jump into another relationship so quickly after a breakup.  You have to heal.  You have to go through the pain and loss.   And come to the acceptance that you have indeed been in a toxic relationship that played on your vulnerabilities.  

It's seems that most of the pwBPDs do this thing about jumping prematurely into other relationships.  They seem to have a need to NOT be alone at all.  It's because their perception of what has happened isn't the same as yours or mine.   They aren't hurting in the same way.  My exgf, for example, starting dating one day after we broke an 8 year relationship.   I'm suffering and she's dating?  Really?

So, I get your confusion.  I have felt it myself.  But I would ask you, would a pwBPD even ask the kinds of questions you are asking?  Probably not...  They are busy blaming you for what ails them.  I didn't hear that in your questions or responses.  

Keep reading the blogs and information on here.  I'm posting one that you might take a look at to maybe get some clarity about whether or not you actually have BPD!

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a102.htm

Be well.  The folks here are amazing and supportive.  You'll be in good company as you journey through all of this and end up healthier than ever.  

D

Everything seeking balance said could apply to me as well.

Something a wise old friend told me... .When you want something really bad, don't be surprised if you get it... .Really bad! I actually thought that was funny until recently.

Seeking One,

So very well said.  Exactly right!  WWGFD, be sure to pay attention to SBs wisdom!

D

Perfidy,

You stole my compliment to Seeking Balance!    lol

D