BPDFamily.com

"You miss the person you fell in love with, but that is not the person they are today."

My sister just told me that. Made me feel a little bit better, so I thought I would share with everybody.

That is so true!  And I'm not sure they ever WERE those people we thought... .sad really.

I actually feel sorry for myself when I think I had everything I wanted, thought my life had all come together, only for it all to be a lie *cue tiny violin*

It's true. They aren't the person we fell in love with, but they are the person we fell in love with. They are also the vindictive persons they are now, but also they aren't. They aren't who they seem to be, but they are.

[Twilight Zone-music playing]

They are ill. They don't know who they are. We don't know who they are.

The pwBPD is both those people. The person you fell in love with came with the other side attached to them; it was always there. Once triggered, that is when you encounter that other side. Both. In one.

We also miss the person we were when we fell in love, but we're not that same person today.

What I was in love with was an idea. Not a person. I was in love with my own idea of love. This is the only way I can rationalize thinking I was in love with a bag ho.

Myself - YES!  I was this hopeful girl (even though I was like, 32!) who had steered clear of relationships all her life, never thought I'd meet somebody I clicked with, and it was like all my prayers had been answered.  I started believing in love, I finally understood what everyone else had been going on about all these years, and I actually understood what love songs were about!

Aw I miss that feeling of innocence, I do miss who I was!  I feel old and cynical now, ha! x

This is absolutely a fact.

My ex didn't even leave me. She asked me to come with her when she left. Then, a couple of weeks later decided she hates me for no apparent reason. I had to see her last weekend for exchanging our kid and she absolutely despises me. Nothing has even happened between us since she left. She just developed all this hostility. It's so weird. She acts like I'm the worst person on Earth now. I think she's projecting this on me because she feels guilty about ruining our family for no reason.

This is the conclusion I came to in the last few days of thinking since our break started and ended in our breakup last night.

The more I knew her, the closer I got to her true self the more it disgusted her. In her most vulnerable moment, the day she told me about suicidal ideation caused by something relating to her estranged father who abandoned her, that moment when she shared it with me lead her to immediately shut herself down and tell me that she was worthless and that I was stupid to stay with her. The moment I showed support and sympathy for her in that moment of pure naked truth about what was inside of her self, when she said ":)o you ever just loath yourself so much that you can't stand it?", she showed me who she really was.

Those moments of pure intimacy, those genuine real moments that are the basis for true love, they are the thing which pushes them away from you. The more I tried to empathize with her the more she was resentful. It wasn't that she tried to share that part of herself with me that made her say she loved me. It was if anything that vulnerability which made her run away from me.

Even now, when the last conversation we've had involved her calling me a piece of sh1t, I still feel terrible sympathy for her. I have no idea how she must feel inside, but I understand now that whatever she professed to me, whatever genuine moment of intimacy I felt when she let her guard down wasn't going to lead to the love I wanted, not from her. She can't let herself love me like a normal person.

When I see that I can see that what my emotional self wants to hold onto is as fake and erratic as what she does now which I would want to ignore or forgive.

One thing that does haunt me is that I know that in moments like that she did try to reach out. She made a normal person gesture, she showed me the true thing inside her. She tried, maybe without knowing it, to do that thing which a normal person does. She was just too broken for it to lead to what it should have. She did what we're supposed to do and it made her hate herself more. That to me is the saddest reflection I've had so far on my relationship with her.

I tried for days, but I just can't hate her. I feel so so bad for her.

And a pwBPD makes you think for a tiny moment that the unrealistic idea of love that we each had actually exists. They read our thoughts, see what we want and transform into an illusion which gives us what we want but it's all smoke and mirrors and in fact, we likely never really knew who our pwBPD actually was.

Oh I know... .it's funny but I recall sending an email to my xhusband at work, where I said I had had a dream, and in that dream I was so afraid, because our love seemed too good to be true. And that things that were too good to be true generally were.

He reassured me that it was true, and how lucky we were.

I'm sorry to say that it was a lie. Still today I have a hard time accepting that. I can visualize his face, when he was screaming at me... "I can't stand you!" and practically spitting as he was saying it. And that brings me back to reality... .

I was a fool. And I've hurt myself and my children terribly by not being more careful with my heart.

L

Ditto, there was no him, there was only me and my cockamamie idea of love.

And a bag ho :)

Sage advice. I think one step further in pwBPD case is that you fell in love with your own ideal of love, not who they or your r/s really was.

When things really got bad and I was still trying to salvage our marriage I came up with this.

I'm in love with a trinity.  I fell in love with a fantasy.  I search for the love that seems lost. I cry for the ghost of the people we used to be.

Was it a dream? Did the girl I love get lost in the world? Or did the love die because of me?

WOW, ... the above is soo very true. I am a very different person now.

This was exactly how I viewed my relationship!  The loss of innocence sucks!  I walk around now drugged up on a big dose of APATHY, but I know that I am healing and when I am done, I will be able to share myself fully with someone again.  This time, not filtered through rose colored glasses.