BPDFamily.com

I have always wondered this... .do BPD's check out this site? I have on many occasions (not anymore, though) suggested to my ex-mate as well as her family members to visit this site by typing out bpdfamily.com in an email (as well as the forums link) in order to make it soo very easy for them to investigate the affliction's signs and symptoms. I even wonder if they actually read my posts. I would like it if they did, ... because communication is so difficult with a BPD.

I would commend a borderline for coming here; most won't acknowledge there's a problem, can't see it, and certainly won't take responsibility for it, so any who made it here would be the cream of the crop.

There's also a payoff for you if a borderline ex comes here: you get to be right, validation, and maybe, just maybe, if the borderline learns a thing or two and grows a little, you might get some appreciation and some closure, yes?

Yes they do. How many do? Unknown. You can see it in the new member board and if you go to the BPD sufferer websites, this site is brought up quite a bit. If your ex or anyone else's ex(including my Medusa) strings together enough words or phrases, they can find this. And if they do, well that is a bridge to be crossed when/if it occurs.

Hey guys,

Yes, they do.

Ive seen BPD sufferer sites call our site a BPD bashing site!

They truly dont understand the damage they cause.

Treat your partners with basic human respect next time then!

Probably to laugh... .That's what mine was when I was in tears, begging for some kind hope... .she laughed

Sad to see this also, much of the other BPD sites bash this site, how nuts is that?    They are scared that all of the people who have seen behind the veil will tell others. 

:) I mentioned to my uBPDxgf once that, in an effort to try and understand her better, I had joined an online support group for people who had loved ones suffering from depression, etc. Didn't mention BPD or name the site, but same result - she just laughed. She doesn't want to be understood, because that might mean facing up to not only her own demons, but the hurt she's caused to everyone who's ever cared about her. Easier to just have another drink. 

wow, ... thanks people for replying so very fast. A 1/2 dozen posts on the topic in so little time. 

What other sites do you guys recommend? (I do go to BPD Central once in a while ... .but the forums kinda suck b/c they are hard to navigate).

I am almost certain that I have BPD.

I am much better now than I was 10,15 etc years ago but ... I still have most of the issue/s ... I am just a bit better at handling them. I have never done the discard thing - well, once with my kids' dad but that was both a long time ago and complicated ... I haven't had a relationship go beyond 12 months since then so, I cannot say I never would do it, but I like to think that it isn't something I would ever do.

I didn't come here for help with me ... I had never heard of BPD until the ex dumped me and I started researching - I knew there was problems with him. In fact, it wasn't until after weeks of being here that I began to wonder (as does everyone I think) about myself.

I have been misdiagnosed and treated my whole life so I tend to avoid treatment and doctors/psychs ... but I am in T now and she is working on getting me a diagnsis but also on not paying too much attention to labels.

I cannot relate at all to having no empathy or compassion for a loved one - however, this extends only to my lovers and my sons. I have little feeling for my siblings and have detached from them many times over and felt nothing ... they trigger me and I cannot bear to be around them ... same goes with friends, I get to a point where I just cannot do it anymore and I let them go without a second thought.

Lovers get the benefit (!) of my abandonment stuff ... different ballgame/pathology ... .

probably too much info - sorry

Thanks for sharing, damage control... . 

ogopogodude, be mindful that this site is for you to process the relationship. Sharing it with others around you no longer makes it an anonymous, safe place for you to heal.

Others around you will need to deal with it in their own time... .this place is for you... no?

Yes, ... this is a place just for me. Thank you for that reminder.

That's why it's not a good idea to share this site with them.  nons  have been fooled and it's caused terrible in the past and more work for staff to clean it up.  as Clearmind said,  this site is for us,  not them. I  shared mindfulness techniques with mine when I  thought we were going towork it out,  but nothing linked from this site. I  think to do so stirs up drama in almost all cases. " keep it in Vegas"  as they say :^)

If a person came here whose partner had armchair diagnosed him with mental illness and spent months here bashing him, to read thread after thread of himself being dissected and labelled, I'm sure he would feel an incredible amount of embarrassment, humiliation and shame.  To read the comments that get piled on concurring, amplifying and validating every horrible thing had been said about him by his former partner would be devastating.  To read personal details of one's life poured out for others to heap scorn upon is vile.  And if that happened to a person, he wouldn't even be allowed a voice here to defend himself.

I get what you are trying to say. Stating the facts of what each of us nons on here have undergone in the aftermath of being with a pwBPD is not bashing. Nor are we armchair diagnosing, keep in mind each one of us here including you, personally experienced the godawful behavior that only the very person closest to the pwBPD would see and feel, in full effect. So sure, if my exUBPDgf or yours or anyone elses for that matter came on here and did not like what they read, well lets keep a little perspective here and realize that what they do not like to read we all here have lived through. With all due respect, feeling bad after reading what they did to us and us having lived through that are 2 entirely different things. It doesnt take a rocket scientist to figure out which one is worse, reading about it or living it. Again, with all due respect.

If you read any of the newbie posts made by people who suffer from BPD you will find a common thread in the responses posted by staff members: "content on this site may be triggering for those who suffer from BPD and as such there are better resources for you here: <insert BPD forum>".

The purpose of this forum and website is to help those who come here: to provide them with the resources they need to heal, to learn, to grow, to be happier.  Given the resources here, it isn't a conducive environment for those things for pwBPD.  Ironman, from the bolded portion I kind of get the idea that you would like to see pwBPD come here and acknowledge the pain they have caused and feel genuine remorse... .That simply is not feasible.  

Also consider, the pain that we experience from BPD is finite; it lasts only as long as we have the pwBPD in our life and thoughts.  Their pain is eternal, for they are the ones who have the disorder. And make no mistake, they are in pain.

Bottom line, this forum is not built for pwBPD. It is built for Non's.  I am not surprised to hear that some pwBPD dislike this forum and see it as insulting- remember, it is all a matter of perspective.  From their perspective, IT IS all of our fault.  It has to be.  I don't think that most pwBPD will appreciate the resources here in the way that non's do- it would entail admitting they have problems, and given the narrative that many of them follow that is nit an option for them.

I think the larger issue here is that those who maintain some kind of fantasy of pwBPD coming here to admit their wrongs, or that pwBPD should feel a tremendous amount of guilt for what they have done have yet to fully accept that pwBPD cannot give us the answers, the closure, the healing that we need.  Only WE can give ourselves that.

I am not downplaying the pain that we have all experienced from our time with our BPDex's. Keep in mind, I too have felt the pain here. I am not speaking from ignorance when I say these things.  However, I also know that there was a time when I reacted much the same way as you to comments that read very similar to those I just posted.  It can seem to cheapen the pain and grief that we feel to acknowledge that our BPDex's might be in pain as well. This is not my intent. If anything, the comment that upset you should be the most encouraging comment of everything that I posted.  It means that we can come to a place where we do not hurt anymore; where we have grown, and healed, and can continue on with our lives on a fresh path, a happier path.  Sadly, most pwBPD are destined to walk the painful path through life they always have.  My comment was meant to bring light to the fact that we have the opportunity for something bette.

Our ex partners are not "a mental illness", they have "a mental illness"

It is a horrible idea to encourage a family member with BPD to this website.  I made the mistake of linking a "loving" post here I wrote about my ex, to my ex.

He freaked out.  No one likes to be talked about and thrown under the microscope.  He had every right to be angry... .I was naive in thinking someone with BPD, who has trouble seeing the good, would see good in my post.  The last thing a person who is in need of help needs is to be torn down and told he is bad.  We are all accountable for damage we do to another person.  Simply because they are BPD does not excuse us of being accountable for that.  I wanted to make him see the light of day, but he taught me a bit about respect for another human being.  

It really sucked when I realized that in my effort to be "right", I was very "wrong".

Agreed. I do not remember specifics, but I know that I tried to share with my dBPDex some things I read concerning BPD ... .I was excited, because I thought armed with this new information, together, we could beat "it"... .I really took the attitude that it was me and my girlfriend against BPD. As though she saw and understood the information I was sharing in the same light that I did... .She didn't. She wasn't capable of doing so.

It is one of the cruel realities of BPD, one of the things that makes it so hard to treat. It isn't something like, say, appendicitis, where the person who has it can say "yup, I have appendicitis, let's get it better".  Someone who has BPD will oftentimes not be able to see, or not be willing to see, that they are the one with the problem. I believe I saw it posted in another thread, "the disorder exists to deny the existence of the disorder".

This conversation gave me a funny visual.  I can just imagine what would happen if my borderline ex was here and read what I had said, about her, about myself, about anything.  I was never really heard or got the last word in the relationship, so there's no reason to expect I would get it here; you guys would need bigger servers to hold all the gaslighting, and guaranteed she'd wear out a keyboard or two 'exposing' in response.  Blech.  I just realized that one of the benefits of this site is I get to finally speak and be heard.  Hallelujah!

I once sent mine some info on codependency, listing the ways I thought I was, and she was to her family (hopelessly enmeshed in it with them... .partly a cultural issue, FOG). Instead of opening up a dialog, she simply replied, "I'm not codependent, I just know how to take care of.people; I alays have."

End of conversation.

   To all that have posted their thoughts on this topic: Thank you. I learn from each and every one of you.

   Over a year ago I thought that I could beat down this affliction (like a cancer) if everyone was on the same page (specifically my spouse, who is majorly afflicted ... and also my mildly afflicted in-laws--> which took me awhile to realize that they had it, too). Education & communication is the key to success in anything. Or so I thought. I figured that I could "get thru" to her and her family members. That was my mistake.

   My problem is that I have to continuously remind myself that BPD is not a tangible problem. There is no x-ray, there is no medical test (really of any value), there is no MRI or brain scan, or antigen-antibody test, etc that confirms a diagnosis that is acceptable to all.

   Thus, I just have to say to myself: move on and put this behind you as much as you can.

 

:) It's the only thing we can do, mate. Put it down to experience and take what learning you can out of it, so you'll see any red-flag  red-flag in the future, and won't make the same mistake again.